please help

DEAREST SUE..

AS I SAID BE4 I WAS READING ALL THE POSTS BUT COULDNT FIND MYSELF ABLE TO WRITE A SINGLE WORD TILL I READ UR LAST POST,,

I CAN SAY THAT I KNOW HOW U FEEL..I WAS THERE ..MAY BE STILL I AM,,BUT IT NEVER MEANS THAT WE WILL LOSE THE WAR AGAINST THAT BOOTFACE...WE ALL HAD AND MAY BE STILL HAVE OUR DARK MOMENTS,,AND WE ALL CAN FEEL UR PAINS,FEARS ,,AND U HAVE THE WHOLE RIGHT TO SAY HOW U FEEL ..LOOK AT WAT U JUST DID TO ME,,,U GAVE ME THE MOTIVE TO WRITE AGAIN WHILE I WAS FEELING NOT ABLE ANYMORE TO PARTICIPATE IN HERE WITH ALL THOSE WONDERFULL LADIES AS I WAS FEELING LIKE GIVING UP EXACTLY AS U DESCRIBED,,I JUST DIDNT WANT TO UPSET ANYONE WITH ME ANYMORE,,BUT WEN I SAW UR POST ,,I FELT LIKE THAT I NEEDED TO TELL U THAT U R NOT ALONE AT ALL ,,EVEN IN THE DARK CORNER THAT U FOUND URSELF IN IT ALONE FACING THAT BOOT FACE,,,

I LOVE U SUE,,MAY BE THEY LOOK LIKE SO SILLY WORDS ,,BUT I REALLY CANT FIND ANYTHING SIMPLER AND MORE HONEST THAN THESE 3 WORDS WHICH I FEEL IN MY HEART,,,

I LOVE U

COM BAK TO TALK OUT ALL THESE DARK FEELINGS WITH US....

NEVER LET US DOWN WHILE WE WAIT U ALL THE TIME...

HUGGS DEAR SISTER

LISA

I COULDNT GO TO BED BE4 I TELL U THAT THE PIX ARE SO SO BEAUTIFULL...GOOD U LOOK SO CHARMING....

I LOVED THEM REALLY

SUE I NEED TO SLEEP REALLY

REMEMBER THAT ME MYSELF IS IN THE SAME DARK PLACE WHERE U R NOW...WE WILL BE OUT TOGEATHER HONEY..I TRUST OUR SISTERS HERE AND BELIVE IN THIER WORDS...

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE

Good night Ulla.xxx We love u. Please take care and know , there will be sunshine and smiles again. God is holding you and Sue tightly , and he won't let you fall.xxx

Sue , I love you. xxx Please , take care. You are feeling sick physically and emotionally right now. It is a part of chemo , colds , post surgery aches , its alot to go through all at once and still having the demands of daily life.xxx None of us know the future. I don't know if I have one more day or thousands , but I won't and you shouldn't either , live in fear and sorrow for the rest of our lives. We are all here to help you through this time in your journey Sue. And when you are done with chemo , you won't believe how much better you will feel again. You will be sooo happy. Then you'll know what I'm saying is true. Please hold on Sue.xxx Good night sweet sister.xxxx

I raced home from picking up my daughter from school and picking a few things up at the store, and guess what?  I was in such a rush to get out of the parking lot at the store, that I "nudged" a guy.  Yep, didn't even see him.  Saw it was clear to go and just went.  His bumper had a couple of scratches and a small dent.  My car has NOTHING, not even a scratch.  Sigh......

Sue, Ulla, you are two of the strongest, bravest people I know.  Look how far you've already come.  Don't ever feel like you don't deserve to post here because we're all handling things better than you are.  The truth is--we're NOT.  We all have our bad days.  Sometimes I feel like this damn bootface is making me lose my mind.  How can I drive around with expired tabs for a full year and not even realize?  How can I rear end a guy in a parking lot?  I've always been a good driver.  Aware of everything around me.  I swear, I didn't even SEE this guy.  He was right in front of me and I didn't even SEE him!  I feel like an absolute moron.  Can't wait to see how the DH reacts when I tell him.  He's not exactly understanding of my "chemo brain" issues.

So you see, we all have our down days.  There's a light at the end of the tunnel though.  I promise.  We are all going to survive this damn stupid disease and our lives will return to normal.  A new and better normal because we'll value life and all of our blessings so much more. 

Please come back to us Sue.  We're here for you during the bad times.  You too Ulla.  Don't ever think you're being too much of a downer or a whiner to come here.  When you're feeling badly, that's exactly when you SHOULD come here to vent.  We understand what you're going through.  We've been there.  Our circumstances may differ, but believe me when I tell you that there isn't a feeling that you're experiencing that each and every one of us hasn't felt at some point. 

I love you all.  Every single one of you.  And Sue, you're at the center of this circle of friends.  You can't desert us. 

I'm off to have a glass of wine.  I don't drink anymore, but I really need one tonight.

I'll check back in before I leave for Leavenworth tomorrow.  Sweet dreams everyone.

Love and hugs,

Karen

god..i never thought that u will be able to be away from us-me all that long time..

dear sue..i hope u r resting today to be able to deal with ur next Rx u must do it as i am telling myself everytime i feel like that ..i just tell myself that I MUST DO IT,,,if i am in a very dark,down mood i wont think that i am beating that stupid bootface for myself ,,i am doing that for the ones who love and do care about me,,and once i start to count them i start to feel better and c the light again

try to count the reasons and the preciouse persons who u want to beat the illness just tobe with them for more time...

think about these harsh treatments as ur way to stay with them longer,,,me myself think in this wy ,,specially wen nothing else work...

i think about having more time with my hubby,,with all of u,,,with my family after i finish that all...

i think about enjoying the moments that i am living in now...

not to waste any moment from now on feeling bad or sad or down or allow the darkness to invade my spirit..

i know that wat i am writing here or saying will still be nothing more than words..i know that sometimes words cant be enough to get us out of all the darkness that surrounds us...

but i know also that the words of all our sisters here helped me so much so so many times ,,they helped me all the time to  the other side of the coin...they reminded me always about wat i have ..persons who love me and take care of me,,they show me the meanning of being a part of a group of ladies who r beyond any describtion..

u r an essential part of all wat i was passing through since i start posting here,,

do u remember ur first time talking with me???

i was feeling so so down that day...and i felt like that god sent me an angel to share my pains,,fears,,wories with...it was u honey,,

u r my angel who made me stronger day by day to walk all this long journey..so it is not fear that u want to leave me alone now...

u r tearing my heart aparts wen say that u will not post here again...

plz com bak now and lets have a big chit chat with our lovely sisters here ,,,i know everytime i come here i will feel better and stronger,,,,

this is wat happens with me everytime i read ur all posts...

plz listen to us and com here young lady ,,OR U WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE WITH  ME IF U DIDNT COM...I KAN COM TO U,,U R NOT SO FAR FROM ME....JUST REMEMBER THAT,,,U DONT WANT A CRAZY SISTER WHO IS JUMPING AROUND U WITH HER BALD HEAD AND FATTY FACE,,,IT WILL BE SO SCARYYYYY...lol

Ulla...your post was very touching!!

I love you!

Lisa

very  good Sue....I like that!! There you go...does writing that down help any?

 Smiles for you!

Yoooo-Hoooo , Sue , where are you? I think its 6:30pm your time. Are you home yet? I had to work today. I don't know why. What I do , wasn't needed. But hey , if they want to pay me overtime to push a pen , so be it!

I've thought about you all day. I feel like one of my close friends called and said , hey Mel , I won't be calling anymore. "Yeah , I don't feel well and just can't be around you anymore". Well , you see none of my friends would do that , cause they know I would be on their door stoop , and giving them an ear full! But in a heart to heart friend way. Thats how we are Sue. Friends are there in the good times. Gosh , is there any better feeling than having something great happen and all your loving friends are with you to share it!?!

OK , I can think of one thing better. When I found out I had breast cancer , and my whole world stopped turning and the devestation took me all the way to the bottom of the black hole. And I knew life for me was over. And no one could feel my pain or help me. I mean , none of my friends had ever had breast cancer. How could they be there for me? Well , so much for thinking in the darkness. It didn't matter what I was going through , if they experienced it or not. My true friends were right there for me. Every inch of the way. Didn't matter that I cried , screamed or yelled. It didn't matter if none of them had an answer to the questions I asked. They were there with me. And then , God saw and must have thought , "she has some great friends to hold her hand and be there with her , but she needs someone to understand all of it". And then God showed me the way here. And all my friends here , believe me , this was definitely a Godsend , helped me more than you all will ever know. Especially the sweet angels that were here when I first arrived. Shirlann , Kaloni , Marin , many that had been where I was , suffered the way I would , and made it through and was walking and talking , and LIVING!! God is so good. And to let you all know , Shirlann was the one to make me laugh first at the situation I was in. I never thought that would happen. It was then I knew , there could be light above this black hole I suddenly fell into. And I drew my strentgh from knowing , this is gonna be bad , but I can do it. They did. And they are made of everything I am. And in the beginning of tx , I thought , I can't do this. And I would come here and they would help me. Everything I felt , either someone felt the same way , or went through something similar , or they just were here for me , talking with me , praying with me , and yes , laughing and crying. Just like all my friends who are physically in my life. God is good.

And remember ," a friend in need is a friend indeed". Its like the e-mail that we all had probably gotten , about "a friend is someone who will bail you out of jail in the morning , but a true friend will be sitting next to you laughing and saying , I don't believe we did that!" We are all your true friends Sue. There is nothing you can say that we won't be here for you. And we try to be positive when your not , because we have been where you are already and know you will get through this. It doesn't mean we are ten feet tall and bullet proof. Believe me , we are all still going through this together yet. Just some parts , some of us have already experienced , thank God , so we can help each other through. Remember the Pointer Sisters? Well , your a young babe , you may not rememberlol , but they had a hit song called "We are family , I got all my Sisters with me" Thats how I feel about all of you! Great , now that song is in my head for the rest of the day!

I love you Sue. Do you hear me young lady? xxxx Melody

Gosh , it takes me so long to type , you are already here! Yeah! Remember , I have Lilly to type around!

We have to pay for any and all doctors visits as well as perscriptions and treatments.  I am a lucky one...I found out that I have very good insurance.  I pay for it of course, but it really has covered almost everything.  The neulasta shots...they are $2950.00!!! I didn't pay a penny! Thank God!  My doctor visits are a $10.00 co-pay.

Sue...that letter is probably just a follow up visit.  I have to have follow up visits with my surgeon as well as my oc.  That is normal...don't freak!! Ok!?

I think it's crazy asking for a note from doctor for a 16yr old.  She has never called off before..and she is a minor! Please!

Yes Lisa , thats what my chemo mind couldn't think of , routine follow up visits. Hey are you getting much snow there? We keep getting bands of lake effect snow. It is a blizzard , then it stops until the next band arrives. Its a blizzard right now! The roads are covered. We probably have 4 inches right now.xx

Yeah , this must be lake effect then. Wow , I can barely see across the road now. Since I'm inside and don't have to go anywhere , its beautiful!lol Yes , it is suppose to start dropping to around 17degrees and then single digits tonight.Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

dearest sue ..

i feel beter to c u here again sister,,,

dont be so worried about the surgeon appt,

it probably about the whole operation area ..tell me did u had ur mastectomy in 9th of october ??so u passed 3 months now...may be they ned to check it again..rotien no more...

i dont know wat to say more,,

dear sisters ,,my mood is so cloudy that i find myself unable to write any more ,,,

i cant say anything more than i do love u allll