What does your husband/loved one think about your flatness?

Hi Otter,

I think this is a great question. When I was facing a bilateral mastectomy and trying to decide whether or not to have reconstruction, I wanted my husband to be part of my decision. We had been married for a long time and even though I knew the choice was ultimately my own, I wanted to know his honest feeling. Right from the get-go, he was opposed to reconstruction. He didn't want me to undergo any extra surgery and he actually didn't like the idea of implants or moving tissue from other parts of my body. He came with me to a plastic surgery consult and literally turned green when the doctor started describing the DIEP and Lat Flap procedures. 

I myself started having anxiety attacks when thinking about reconstruction, so concluded I didn't want it. My husband, who had promised to support whatever I chose, was clearly relieved. Still, that didn't answer the question about how he would react afterward and how it would affect our intimate life.

The answer to that has been that he still finds me attractive, sees me naked all the time, and our love life hasn't been affected (really!). He does like it when I wear breast forms sometimes to bed. His theory is that men are hardwired to respond to the shape of breasts and that it doesn't really matter whether they're real breasts or lifelike silicone ones LOL. But honestly, I'm the one who gets more out of wearing breast forms to bed. I sometimes feel a little self-conscious if he touches my flat chest (he thinks it's fine), so wearing the breast forms lets me feel more sexy. 

It has truly surprised me that my DH has reacted so positively, especially given the fact that his own mother had both breasts removed (fifteen years apart, the first at age 31) and his father had a really tough time dealing with it (my DH didn't know this at the time, of course, but learned it much later). 

Each couple is so different. It probably helped that after my surgery, I thought I looked fine and didn't feel shy about having my DH see me (women on the reconstruction board sometimes say that even after recon, they don't want their husbands to see their chests). It sounds as if you and your husband have a very open, sharing relationship. The fact that he hasn't been put off by your flat side suggests that he'd be fine if you had a mastectomy on the other side.

I hope this helps!

Barbara

My DH took on the job of massaging a special cream into my incision line a week after my double mast. He actually got used to my look before I did. He is very supportive of my decision and I'll often read him posts from women who still have problems with recon two YEARS later!! We are both glad I didn't go that route.

Unfortunately, his libido was cooling off as I was facing breast cancer. The last time we made love, to both our horrors, my left breast (cancer side) started to bleed red blood from the nipple. It was quite disturbing. He hadn't seen it yet (I had) and it really put him off. We haven't had sex in 3 years!! He says he just doesn't feel like it (he's 62), and tests show a low testosterone, but he doesn't want to take anything. I have to give my head a shake every once in a while, just to remember that I have a loving, caring DH...we just don't have sex any more!!

He supports me buying clothes to compliment my flat body and knows that it is the "feel" of the cloth that is more important than the look. I feel very sexy when I feel the clothes against my bare chest. I am very happy being flat. Much less stress on my arthritic neck too!

hi otter, YES you can have an active and fulfilling married life without breasts or foobs.

My DH saw my mastectomy scars right from the start so that's a non-issue for him.  He said my breasts were beautiful and he enjoyed them while I had them, but it's OK that they're gone and I'm flat because what he wants is me.

Truth be told, I enjoy our sex life better now.  Before BMX, he couldn't keep his hands off my breasts.  Frankly, it got to be annoying at times.  Now the only 'cleavage' I have is my fanny, which I walk to keep firm.  He likes it, as evidenced by the number of times he grabbs my *ss.  But I find that less intrusive and more pleasurable, because it's getting firmer as I get fitter.

It's been over two years since BMX and I'm all healed up and scars are fading.  I go flat all the time so I'm adjusted to my now body and no longer self-conscious.  Sometimes DH forgets himself in bed and reaches for my breasts and comes up empty-handed.  Then he remembers and his hands wander elsewhere.  

River Rat, just a quick note to say to try a tankini for a swim suit. Cut out the pre-formed elasic bound area inside and you'll have a GREAT top!! And bottom that you are comfortable with would work.

cinnamon, are you getting recon? Is that why they left flaps?

When I was dx'd, I asked my DH how he felt about my boobs. He said "I like them, but I LOVE you, and I'd rather have you healthy." He went on to say that no matter what happened, we'd do it together, because we are a team.

While I was still in the decision-making process, I made him go online with me and look at pics of women who'd had reconstruction, and those who had not. He was fully prepared by the time we met with the plastic surgeon.

My mom had BC when she was my age. She had a radical mastectomy with no treatment, and no recon. I was as used to her huge scar as I was the curve of her smile.

In my heart, I knew I wanted to give recon (implants) a try, but if that failed, I would have them removed and go flat immediately. DH understood and agreed, and the hardest thing for him was my coming home from the hospital in horrible pain - not from the BMX, but from the expanders. We both questioned the wisdom of having them put in. He was my Pain Man (gave me all my meds) and my Drain Man (took charge of emptying and measuring all the drains.) He was right - we were a team.

I'm fully filled now (620ccs) and they feel like boulders. DH seems happy with them (he always was a rockhound) and I have no shame at all walking around topless - something I never did when I was a 38DD/DDD. 

He knows the reality of a breast cancer diagnosis. Things can change in a heartbeat. But right now, I think the sexiest thing for him is the idea that I have a new reason to take good care of my body.

I think this whole experience has strengthened our marriage.

Barbe, I was quite clear that I wasn't getting reconstruction and never did ask my surgeon why. The flaps have gotten bigger as I have gained 35 lbs since my bmx. We never discussed whether or not to leave extra skin. At that time, I never knew to ask. I was very disappointed at first to see that I was not completely flat after the bmx.

Wow, I am very glad to see this subject! My husband is totally supportive of the double mastectomy as well as the choice to not reconstruct. He knows I am very fearful of medical issues, and did not want me to have more, and he was not attracted to the reconstructed look. (please, no offense, we are all different)

But *I* have trouble. Sex is good, but I can't let him see me nude....and I keep pressuring myself to wear foobs so I don't look so awkward. So it is very much on my mind.

 he does reach out to touch me and we both sort of laugh, then he moves to other places, which is fine, but he always seems surprised to get a hug from me...

I often find myself concerned about hugs, I notice people hug me with their butt out, so there is no chest touching...and it makes me wonder how it all feels to another person...any thoughts?

Nice to see this thread.  My husband is totally supportive of my double masectomy.  I have chosen not to reconstruct and can't wait for the "expanders" to leave after chemo.  I do love hugs.

Hugs back.

I have not let my partner see me naked since my surgery two years ago yesterday. Well, after the drains came out, anyway. She says she doesn't care, and I know she doesn't, but I do. I hate the way I look and avoid looking at my chest whenever possible. The Arimidex took care of my sex drive, too, so I feel like I'm nothing any more.I never imagined that my sex life would be over at 54, but it sure was. And is. And I see no way that that's going to change.

I've offered to break up with her and let her find someone who is whole but she loves me and isn't going anywhere. That also makes me feel bad - she deserves someone better than me.

I originally had expanders put in but had them taken out three weeks later.

Sorry Otter and baywatcher- did not mean to conjure up any bad feelings. {{hugs}}  To be completely honest, I do not understand why anyone would not opt for a new set especially since it is paid for by insurance.  But IT IS NOT FOR ME to understand - it is what YOU are comfortable with.   I never wanted to look sick so I had 5 wigs when I was going thru chemo - never showed my naked head and had fun with the wigs. Tried to make the best out of everything.  Then there are women who proudly show off their bald head and that is great for them.   I never get to wear wigs so I took the opportunity to have 5 new hairstyles. Got a red wig a few blond wigs and a two tone wig.

I had recon with tissue expanders - I thouroughly enjoyed the entire process - the fills - deciding how big I got to be - when have you ever had a chance to pick how big of boobs you get?   The discussions with the plastic surgeon - the exchange surgery was outpatient and I was down for like 3 days - no big deal at all.  So if worry about the implant process is at the forefront of you decision - please know it ain't nothing compared to the BMX.  I'm 47 years old and have the best chest I have ever since I was like 21! haha

If anyone one wants a play by play of how the recon with TE's goes and silicon implants, message me and I am happy to share.  Don't cut yourself short - you deserve a new set IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT.  If you are happy being au natural then go for it!  It is up to you. 

I just had a hysterectomy and now I need to lose like 30 lbs and then I will be rockin my new bod - gotta get to the gym - eegads! 

This post may be "off topic" too though maybe not so much.

I don't have a partner/DH.  Hugging mentioned above really caught my eye.  Others, men and women, did the butt out hugs which I took as trying to protect my chest.  On the hand, I did the same thing before I had the dog ears removed, because I was so totally over the top paranoid about people feeling The Mutants on my chest.  I have no idea how a man would have viewed them but I suspect it would not have been near as harshly or repulsively as I did.  It would have been impossible to even fathom the possibility of my chest being seen or touched.  Now that they are gone, I can at least hug in peace, whether flat or with foobs.

Barbara