What does your husband/loved one think about your flatness?

crystalphm

Southern Soprano, you and I were having our mastectomy the same time. For me though, it was my second mastectomy and it truly takes *time* to wrap our heads around not having breasts anymore. There sure is a time to mourn lost breasts, and probably this time even extends to our partners.

 Beacon, You have been helping me through the tough days since all of this began. And you are on target again. The more i see this as a"hobby" to improve my self esteem, the better I am and cope. Now when I find a new product, instead of being negative and sure it will hurt me, I check out the return policy and then try it. I will add there is a subject All things Bra and prosthesis where experimenting is discussed.

Cinnimon, alot is on the plate here, so let's keep talking. I do understand, I am not in the mood either because of the ovary removal, but it is also ok to fake it when you care about someone. (Hey, anyone can tell me if they think I am wrong, I don't know all the answers). I too can get very upset when the men I am with are all looking at some busty women, or porn, that flips me out...but yet I respect I am different, not bad or good, just different. As time passes, I get better with this.

Well, it is very difficult that as a result of cancer, we have to question our female-ness.

Chantal10

Baywatcher, I feel just like you do. I was much happier not knowing and going through all this trauma. I def have some form of post traumatic stress disorder over it all. You are not alone.

barbe1958

Crystal, you are bang on!! If faking it is done with compassion, not pity or hate, then it is done for the right reason. Fake it till you make it. For women, I've heard that 98% of our orgasm is in our heads!!

beacon800

It's the "fake" stuff that gave me permission to experiement with all the lingerie/foobs and so on.

We know men stare at all kinds of stuff that the media and life presents.  This can be unsettling for any woman, and especially those of us with surgery.  However, what I finally realized is that all those photos and most of those ladies are "fake" in one way or another.  So, why not get on that side of the equation?  I asked myself.

I figure I'll do what I like, to please ME, even if it's kinda "fake" by some definition, because what the heck is real anyway?  So much of what is brought to us as the "ideal" is acheived via photoshop or scalpel, so why am I gonna worry about that?

Momine

Beacon, I think you are taking a great perspective on this, and you are right, silicone is silicone whether you stick it on the inside or the outside. It is just a lot less painful to stick it on the outside  

MT1

I like reading through all of this. I had bmx, and am flat. I really like being flat. I didn't like my breasts before, they were fine, they weren't pretty, they were too big, they were what they were. My husband supported me throughout my decision not to reconstruct and he has said that he doesn't feel he would feel attracted to fake breasts, and I believe him. 

This week, I started to think it would be nice, it would calm me, to have 3d nipple tattoos done on my chest. When I brought it up with my husband it was almost as if, the air was let out of the room. We both felt really comfortable with the idea. I would have never thought this to be an option for me, I am low impact, under the radar, not too concerned with beauty of societal expectation sort of person. But I do think, that I expect to see myself with nipples, and that it would make me feel more comfortable to see them and to know they were there. If I were to wear a lower neckline and I leaned forward, it would please me to be seen as 'normal', and to have eyes skate past.

This feels like an indulgence in some respects and an act of beauty in another. I know it is just tattoo, not real nipples, but I can use art to help heal my mind and calm my relationship too. 

I keep feeling like I need to justify this decision, but I also feel like, if this works and I have found a tattoo artist that I want to work with, why not?

I am also suprised that my husband is open to the idea without much reservation, if any at all. We both want to see nipples, like it is more humanizing, less medical. Tomorrow I am going to call the tattoo shop and set up an appointment. 

beacon800

I was just thinking of this subject yesterday!  (prosthetic nipples, that is)

I have some skin conditions that would not favor tattoo, but I am playing with the idea of getting some prosthetic nipples to see if I like them.  They can be used two ways:  on the chest wall or on the foob itself.

Maybe you can try a  pair and see how you like them before you get tattooed?  They have many, many styles and a lot of custom made ones too.  I googled it up and the options are many.

KSkier

Yes Beacon, I love your attitude.  Inside or outside, what IS the difference?

But, in response Otter's question, why is it that not once, never ever did anyone mention that taking both boobs meant complete loss of sensitivity from nipple stimulation?  Why was I so wrapped up in symmetry and convenience and prevention to have even had that thought occur to me? I admit - it NEVER OCCURED TO ME! And NO ONE TOLD ME! I feel really foolish about this, because it's just so obvious, I can't believe I missed it.  This is my one regret about having taken both. 

Momine

KSkier, I did think about it, but you are right that not one single, solitary doctor ever breathed a word about sexual function. I found it rather funny actually. I had thought it through and I was waiting to see if any doc would bring it up. Nope.

Likewise, when I discussed my upcoming hysterectomy with the surgeon, we agreed to leave in my cervix and the neck of the uterus. He explained that they had various advantages, which he listed. Sexual function was not on the list. I mentioned it, he went on as if I hadn't said anything.

I am guessing that the doctors find it embarrassing? 

Starak

KSkier:  I can't say that sexual function was ever specifically mentioned to me either.  However, having looked at all angles of the possibility of massive breast reduction for decades which also almost undoubtedly would have ended the same way and then with the BMX, without a shadow of a doubt I knew.  For me that reality was presumed and built into my expectations.  I am sorry that came as a surprise to you and that you were not given the opportunity to make it one of your considerations when making your final decision.  I know I deal with things much better when I know what to expect and have mentally prepared for it.

Momine, I think you are right, the doctors likely find it embarrassing.   Truth be told, I may likely have been embarrassed as well.

[Deleted as off-topic]

Barbara

crystalphm

"using art to help heal"....what a fantastic concept. I need to think about this more, but I related so well to your thinking. I feel ok about myself going flat these days. I will wear the memoryfoam foobs to play "dress-up" but they still hurt the rims of each site if i wear them every day.

So my only time to feel badly about myself is to see myself with no clothing on, and I think a huge part of it is missing nipples. Oh, being concave is rough too. But I think seeing nipples could be very healing.

MT1 are you concerned about the tattoo and LE happening? I am so ultra sensitive in that area, it feels like I have a paper thin piece of skin and then bone, does anyone else feel this way?

Hmmm...I may be off topic, but it all seems to play into how we feel about ourselves and in our relationships. I would love to hear more.

Momine

Crystal and MT I also thought about getting nipple tattoos without recon. Only problem is my needle phobia, LOL. But in theory anyway I think I would feel more whole seeing nipples on my chest.

As far as feeling bad about my naked self, this is less now than when I had the boobs. Maybe that is why it doesn't bother me that much. I had VERY perky boobs pre-child, but after the pregnancy they got bigger and they drooped to the point that the breast touched my ribcage. I hated it and couldn't stand to look at myself in a mirror. 

Starak

Taken to PM

MT1

I thought about prosthetic nipples for a minute or two, but I don't see myself using them. I don't think I will regret getting nipple tattos, either. I feel as though it will complete the circle of treatment and help me form a complete perspective on my appearance.

Crystalpm, I am not worried about LE, many women have this proceedure done. I spoke with my Oncologist about it, he was fine with the idea. My PT and my LE OT both suggest raising my arm over my head and giving 'light fingers' in a elbow to waist direction to help the lymph fluid to move to the waist area. I have a sleeve as well, and can wear it, will wear it.

My husband and I both want to see my body with nipples and that seems a fair trade after all we have been through this year. My husband is very shy to give comment to this sort of thing, so I am certain that he would like it as much as me. 

ETA: I don't want no nipple tattoos. This was a reaction to people looking at me. I like myself the way I am and don't want permanent reactionary actions. 

crystalphm

MT, you should go for it. You have all the bases covered and answered and I love your courage and taking steps to come "full circle".

I did mention this to my husband and he simply didn't answer. Hmmm....

but I also think we all need to come full circle in our own way...and I have not found my way yet. But I am truly happy for you and wanting to be a part of your journey by reading your thoughts.

It is absolutely a fair trade considering all you have been through! I already know you are a very attractive woman but You deserve to feel  attractive! I can't imagine your regretting the tats, it is a positive strong step forward!

basketnut3

My husband supported me through chemo, bmx, and radiation.  He even told me he was glad I had chosen mx over lumpectomy because many of those we knew that had chosen lumpetomies had their cancer return.

My husband could not look at me without a shirt on at any time after surgery.  He couldn't even help me with my drains. He is now with someone 16 years my junior with breasts and I am facing bilateral DIEP on my own before I lose his health insurance.

Everyone deals with these issues in different ways, I just had to get one who couldn't deal with any of it and wouldn't get any help.  Sorry I'm so negative, but after 25 years of marriage and 30 years together I find this a little pathetic.  My positive side is I know God has a plan for me and there is someone out there who will love me for who I am.

Rowan47

basketnut3, your husband is a dumbass. Hugs to you

basketnut3

Rowan47, thank you.  Hugs back

crystalphm

basketnut, your husband is an idiot...whatever was he thinking think? I am so sorry.....I don't think i would want to be the woman he is with now, sorta scary to think about how he reacts to  real "life".

dressager

oh basket, your husband really failed on so many levels. you can't help that, i guess, but it still hurts. get your DIEP, and take the time you need to heal. your positive outlook will carry you through to the next, better, part of your life. GIANT HUGS to you! i wish we were in the same town so i could be part of your support team...

msphil

I too know your feelings, I was planning my wedding when diagnosed and didn,t want my then fiancee to see me flat, we had a good sex life and I wondered what he would say, but to my surprise he looked at the site (flat)before I did and never had a problem with it, I did, so I sleep with a soft prothesis and a sexy camisole, still he loves me no matter what, God Bless.  msphil(idc, stage 2, 0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and5 yrs on Tamoxifen)

gina33

i had breast cancer in august of 2008.  i had a double mastectomy. i decided not to have reconstruction either.  i heard how painful it was.  the other reason is i was afraid it would come back. the doctor said it would be easier to detect without reconstruction.  that made my decision easy.  i wish i had my breasts, but i definitely don't want cancer again.  i use the bra with the prosthesis pads.  i hate them, but they do look real when you dress.  i feel bad when i see my husband see other women showing their chest off.  it does make me feel less of a woman. but my husband has been extremely supportive and never has made me feel bad.  i just feel that i would rather not have reconstruction because i want to be able to detect it early again if it ever returns.  good luck

Joanne58

Ditto what gina33 said--my story, too. 

Best wishes to you, otter, in any upcoming decisions.  It sure is crummy, dealing with body image stuff post BC surgery, but after spending time with a friend of mine who's had FAR more physical and emotional trials in her own life along with many of her family, it puts things like this in perspective.  Enjoy your marriage and your dear husband!  

sgreenarch

Hi, All. Such an interesting topic. I nominate you all as my official online support group as if I were to ever join one I doubt I could find one as specific as this one. This is the difficulty that lingers for me.


The problem is not my husband. It is me and my discomfort with myself, lacking a breast. He had a good line during one of our million reassuring talks, 'would you love me any less if I had burn scars on my chest.' well it's different of course, but it did make me think. Ironically my husband is a plastic surgeon who does lots of reconstructions but he recognizes that it's not for everyone. In my case I didn't want implants or huge surgery (I've overheard lots of stories of complications.) I think we both know how limited this surgery really is. It has it's place for some, just not for me.

That being said, I mourn the loss of this breast and wish for self acceptance. Our sex life is fine but I have yet to have sex once without thinking of cancer. I just miss him kissing both breasts. Though I'm grateful that we still have one to play with I'm not at peace with her either as its still hard not to see a breast as a time bomb. I'm trying. Recently met some long time unimx survivors. Otto, I know my DH would love me if I had to lose the other side. I think any husband who wouldn't isn't worth keeping anyway.

Thanks for listening!

Shari

TKSit

Very thought provoking thread. I had bmx Jan 2011. I look in the mirror & with all my surgeries (mast, hyster, c-sec & more) I have about 3 feet of scars on my trunk. But scars are better than cancer & my c-sec resulted in a beautiful daughter. My hubby is very supportive, but my hands still go up to cover my scars if he catches me naked. I know he loves me deeply and still wants to show me in a physical manner. I still feel like I look attractive, just not sexy. A quote I remember often is, "God does not look us over for medals, degrees or awards, but for scars."

sgreenarch

Beautiful quote. Thanks.

alexandria58

I was so self-conscious the first summer after my BMX.  I wore camisoles for sex with my DH.  Now, after a year and some months, I 've lost the camisoles, my husband is just as sexually attentive as ever, and we've discovered all the all parts of the body that are sensual.  

And, as they say, the most important sex organ is the brain.  

crystalphm

I love that you don't feel the need to wear the cami's anymore, I can't seem to get past that point. It has been 8 months now, so perhaps in time.

I don't know what to do? Just casually not wear a cami??

MT1

The last night I wrote on this thread I was going through a difficult period, the roller coaster that is reco.vering from breast cancer treatment. My man and I had just come back from a yoga retreat center where We have found solace for years. Prior to this, I had always enjoyed the whirlpool at that facility without a swim suit (women only), so I went buck naked again. I was not prepared for the reception I would get. I guess I had thought that I would receive more evidence of compassion, instead, you could have heard a pin drop when I lowered my towel.

My husband, beautiful man that he is, just wants me to be happy. So when in a fit of panic, I came home to announce I was interested in getting 3d nipple tattoos, he was all for it. Whatever it takes for me to embrace my flatness.

I have since calmed down. Thankfully.

Back to my husband and how he responds to my flatness. I am a little more than a year out from BMX, he would not have my body any other way. He is hesitant to touch my chest, he does, he will, but it is still tender, tentative and light. We have been embracing sexuality again and I have to say, sex is better than ever for me! I don't know if it is because he is more focused on the downtown area, or that my body is more receptive to touch, but my goodness.

barbe1958

Thanks for the update MT!! Sounds like it's all rocking in your world again!!

A husband that can't handle this issue in our lives isn't worth keeping around. Doing his laundry, cleaning and cooking as well as chores is just not a fair trade for someone who runs at the first sign of "trouble". I don't know if there is a difference for one who runs from the illnes itself, or the loss of a breast. Either way, it's a sickness that HE has to deal with. Thank God some find out in time before they lose a limb or mobility or something.