What does your husband/loved one think about your flatness?

owlwatcher

barbe1958 I love your pictures. I do have silicone in both but I have to say I went thru a year of hell during the process. I admire your honesty.

Galsal

I've not read through all of this.  But here's a question.  Any one single and decided not to reconstruct?

Starak

Galsal:  I am one of many single women who decided not to reconstruct. 

Barbara

NJvictoria

I have 3D nipple tattoos on my flat little chest and no matter how hard my husband tries to get the nipples to rise, it's just not happening! LOL! He actually has fun with my chest.....doesn't bother him at all. He really is a special guy

Vikki

Galsal

Thanks Barbara.

Bellz

I had recon. I had 11 surgeries in 9 months due to poor margins, infection and other setbacks. I have MANY scars. My plastic surgeon was wonderful but I chose to stop having surgeries. Those scars bother me but not my hubby. I could have chosen to have the scars "cleaned up" and had nipples done but didn't. It is so hurtful to me when people say things about me getting a new set, perkier, ect. I cannot understand how insensative people can be. My breasts, boobs, t*t's are gone, and no I don't want a new "set", I don't care if they are free, perky or bigger! What I have under my clothes are not breasts, they don't even come close to looking like breasts, and they certainly don't feel like breasts. No my scarred, flattened buns, hard to look at in the mirror chest doesn't matter to my husband. They took my breast tissue not me. He loves me

Ariom

This is a very interesting thread. I have had my own thoughts on the subject already.

I am nearly three weeks out from my right side Mx. I had no problem with seeing it myself, but I was worried about my husband seeing it for the first time. I have to say I don't really know why because he has been a rock for me and has supported  me totally in the decision making process. I opted for the Mx because I would never trust that the sneaky little devil wouldn't come back, and Rads just weren't on my agenda.

Reconstruction was never an issue either, he really didn't want me to go through more surgery than I had to, and I didn't want it either . My Mother had a radical Mx without recon too and as Blessings said so beautifully I was used to that scar too. I have never seen the scar as a disfigurement. Not hers or mine.

Our situation is a little different too because my husband is a C5/6 Quadraplegic and I am his primary carer. We have attendant care help which has increased since my op. It has been wonderful for me to have the extra help. Although wheelchair bound my husband has always worked, had a business, driven a car and is a champion solo sailor. So a functioning quad who will never be told that he can't do something. Just thought I'd fill you in on that stuff before continuing.

As I said, I was a little worried about his reaction to the scar, but he said "Wow, the will heal really well, and you don't need two boobs to be gorgeous!" from that moment all was well. I don't even wear a top to bed now because he has made me feel so normal. As you can imagine his disability can make some things a challenge, LOL But since the op he makes sure that he gives my back a rub every night and is always trying to make me comfortable. I think this has actually brought us back to a place we were years ago before things became a tad complacent, as things do, when you've been together a long time. I broached the subject of  the possibility of having the other side go the way of the first. He says that he loved them when I had them, but they never defined me as a woman.

Cinnamon_

What a river of emotions - reading these posts!  So many courageous and inspirational women.

I was diagnosed at 39

My husband & I have not been intimate since my 4th chemo treatment in 2008.

Post mastectomy he's avoided looking at me when i remove my clothing - & i now do so in private.

Married now for 22 years & up until the C, we had enjoyed an incredibly passionate love life. 

He says he loves me more than ever - but no longer feels any sexual desire for me nor any other woman.  I get a hug & kiss every morning & evening, but he resolutely avoids any other form of intimacy with me.  He has refused to seek help & insists that this is a problem he wants to sort out on his own.

He has always enjoyed my slim athletic figure - so my 35kg weight gain has (I believe) made matters worse.  I had initially decided against reconstruction, but in an attempt to address his 'discomfort' I suggested we re-think this decision.  He agreed.

Attempted reconstruction in 2011 failed - and ultimately left me with a 45cm tummy scar & even worse - the op destabilised my tummy muscles.  So on top of being 35kg overweight, I now have an awful abdominal hernia which bulges out & can only be rectified by further extremely invasive surgery.

It is a very lonely place to be - and whilst i am grateful to have survived this journey, I do find myself questioning 'why?'  My spirit is very weary and i struggle to find any joy in the thought of another three years like this.  The 'rejection' is soul destroying.  I go through the motions - smile, contribute - and feel so guilty for not being able to 'get on with it'.  My (small) breasts never defined me - and yet (ironically) the lack of them has impacted on my relationship more than i ever believed possible!

Rowan47

Oh Cinnamon, I am so very very sorry that you are living in this situation. Not sure what to suggest.....sounds like he really could use a good counsellor though. You sound like an extremely strong, kind and caring young woman.

{{{{hugs}}}

Momine

Cinnamon, I am so sorry. This stupid disease really does a number on us and our loved ones in so many ways.

I would strongly suggest that you go talk to a counselor of some kind. If your DH doesn't want to go, that is his choice. It does not mean you can't go.

Ariom

Oh Cinnamon,

I am just so sorry to hear your story. It just breaks my heart to hear such despair, you have ben through so much. I can only imagine how devastated you feel.

Your husband has obviously been deeply affected by all that has gone on with you. He says he wants to deal with it in his own time which may have been ok in the beginning, but as so much time has passed with no resolution you're both stuck in this awful place.

Is there no way you can gently suggest some help might be beneficial for both of you, or has he firmly shut the door on that possibility?

Please don't think I am being a busybody. I just feel so bad for you being in this lonely place after all you've endured, and as you say you've survived this journey this should be a postive time for you both. I am so sorrry he can't get passed this.

I can understand you not wanting to subject yourself to more surgery, I doubt I'd want to go down that road either.

I know I will probably get in trouble for this, so I'll apologise first, I know this is not my business but here goes. One side of me wants to say he needs a slap on the back of the head and told to "get with it!" I am so sorry if this upsets you. Just tell me to back off, I'll understand.

I would really like to say to him. "Look what this wonderful woman has suffered and here she is, on the other side, as strong and as passionate as before, still so in love with you, and ready to resume where she left off before her life was interrupted by this dark passenger hitching a ride!" "It can be as it was, it really can!" "It can actually be better!"

Again, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, hope i haven't offfended you.

I hope there is something you can do to resolve this because it sounds like you have had a wonderful relationship in the past, and we all know how rare that is these days.

I wish you all the very best of everything and admire how candid you have been to tell your story here. Good Luck!

Cinnamon_

@Ariom

I certainly am not offended thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts ..

I have spent most of my working life in a Learning & Development role - facilitating / counseling and improving performance.  My family hasn't escaped my approach:) and herein lies some of the problem.

For the first 18 months I played the role of spouse & counselor, action plans & more action plans.

Year 2 brought with it a creeping depression - I think I had drained the emotional batteries, and every rebuff started to hit home.  I found a psychologist who was horrified that I had not allowed myself the luxury of sadness & grief for all that had happened.

I insisted and DH attended only 2 sessions with me - after which he decided to 'sort it out' on is own.  8 months passed with no action whatsoever - & one evening I just let it go & sobbed my heart out.  I told him that I needed him to heal - so I could feel whole again.  He promised to try - i told him that without action, his words were hollow.... and so I waited.  Slowly the anger built - after another few months & without discussion I moved my belongings into the guest room.  No comment from DH & life went on!!!  In December I exploded - absolutely done.  I am a consultant so do not have a set income, but informed him I would seek permanent employment with a view to leaving him & finding a way to fix 'my broken' on my own.  I raged (redhead) & DH was heartbroken - he loves me & doesn't want to live without me.

and here we are... 'groundhog day'

My daughter had said to me during the worst days when it was so hard - with all their eyes watching me - Mom, you are the glue that holds us all together, that is why we are so afraid.  Nobody emerges unscathed - our family's scars are just not as visible us ours.  The kids are all off @ University and the planned 'our time' has become 'sad time'.

If DH was in a wheel chair - I wouldn't leave .. isn't this the same?

I've stopped taking the tamoxifen and am 6 months past my check-up date - struggling to find a reason to go.

Well meaning people say -it doesn't matter - you are alive!

It does matter!! I want my life back & find no joy in being fat lumpy bulgy scarred lopsided & a'companion' to DH!

I'm sorry .. I sound so selfish:( 

mary625

Cinnamon--you are not alone.  So much of what you've written, I could have written too. 

Cinnamon_

({})

MT1

Cinnamon, I am going through something similar. The difference being that we are in therapy and do talk. Right now, we are not having sex, though we are sensually intimate and we strive to create a heart connection. It is tough when our body is so changed, the drugs change the make up of our being, we are 'asked' to leave the old self behind and start anew. You are not alone.

crystalphm

Cinnamon, I was very moved by your words. You are right, we often are the glue that holds family together, and when we hurt, others hurt too.

I can't get this sorted out either. I am flat, my scars hurt somedays. My husband is very accepting, but then suddenly he proposed that we sleep in different bedrooms. Before this, we had a great intimate life. I am beginning to feel ok with who I am, just as he seems to be questioning who I have become.

it all is a bit Groundhog Day feeling...

But I do urge you to see your doctor if you missed an appointment, at least keep the cancer away and keep yourself safe, we will deal with the complicated emotions here, together.

barbe1958

I think we have to grieve the loss of our wonderful sex lives as well as all the other stuff we lost! My DH has been diagnosed with low testosteone, but I'm afraid if we "load him up" he might become an angry man! Apparently it's more common than not, that men lose testosterone as they age; makes sense, we lose estrogen. So some of your DH's may just be suffering like mine is. I have come to accept my sex life is over. I just figure I "use him up"....sigh.

Malacodasgirl

My dh Hates how I look!

liv-

feel for both- can understand that a male might not have the same desire as before, same for us.

barbe1958

Malacodasgirl, my DH hates the way I look. I hate the way I look. I don't think any of us love or even like the way we LOOK. It's just the level of acceptance or not, that we are disussing. I'd be surprised if anyone's DH LIKED the way a nipple-less flat chest looked!! Thank you for stating that so clearly. You've said what some people are afraid to type!

Ariom

I don't hate the way I look, neither does my Husband.

This thing came like a bolt out of the blue, as it does for everyone.

What it did for us, was wake us up from a complacency that had taken over, slowly but surely in the past few years. We are both in our late 50's, so older than a lot  of you here, which can obviously make a difference too.

Suddenly, we had to act as a team, make the big decisions and wait for the final outcome. He was a rock for me. He came to every appointment, and researched everything. 

By the time the surgery was over and there weren't any nasty surprises from the Pathology, we felt closer than we'd been in ages. Don't get me wrong, we weren't having problems before, just as I said, a bit complacent. The overwhelming relief was like a tonic for us both.

I had bought lots of pyjamas, something I'd never worn before, because I assumed that would be how life would be now. I haven't had them on since the drain was removed on day 6. It has been 8 weeks and there are no reservations about being naked, with the light on, in front of him. We have even reached the stage of being able to joke about it.

As  mentioned in an earlier post, I was a bit nervous about him seeing me for the first time, I really don't know why, he looked at the scar and said "Wow, that will heal beautifully, and You don't need two boobs to be gorgeous!" That was a defining moment for me, just as I had had another defining moment the night before my surgery, just a couple of nights before. I had disconnected from my breast by actually saying to it "You've let me down, you have to go!" As silly as it sounds, it worked for me.

We seem to have a new lease on life, it is hard to explain, but for us this new "normal" is good.

I guess I should also say that our situation is a little different. I don't really know if this the reason that I don't have those feelings of loss that so many others feel, or if in fact it is the reason he is so accepting and unaffected by the change in my body.

My husband broke his neck in a hang gliding accident 35 years ago. He is a quadraplegic who uses a manual wheelchair. His new kind of "Normal" came when he was 4 months short of his 21st Birthday. He is an inspiration.

I met him much later, after he'd been married and divorced. That was 15 years ago. His disability was never an issue for me.

There was no insurance, so he has had to battle for everything. He managed to teach himself how to drive again, he had to look for a new career because his lack of manual dexterity precluded him from continuing in Micro Biology Physiology. He got another degree, has worked constantly since his accident. Took up snow skiing, water skiing and came second in the World championships for disabled sailing 2005. Has designed our last home from the ground up, and designed the renovations for the new house we are in now.  I have always said, if he were on two legs, I'd never keep up with him. I could go on and on with his achievements.

We had just moved here when I was diagnosed, after a year of selling, buying renovating and commuting 3 1/2 hours each way every fortnight to oversee the work.  We had retired early from full time employment, but have a small business that we run from home.

This was to be our dream home on the lake, our escape from the big city to a quieter space, and a slower pace.

That's exactly what it is.

Rowan47

What a lovely post, Ariom. I totally agree with you that many of our DH's still love the way we look.

Momine

Ariom, that is an interesting perspective. I have often thought that if I had to lose a leg or an arm, it would be so much more difficult, just purely practically. In that sense, boobs are really just Christmas decorations.

Ariom

Thank you Rowan, so much appreciated!

Momine! You make me laugh , I love your turn of phrase, and perspective! Christmas Decorations LOL

It is,  all a matter of perspective. I can't believe when we are out, how often people will address me, not Colin. I have to say, gosh, don't askl me about that, he is the designer.

When I look at all he lost from that accident, his legs, feeling to the majority of his body, most hand and arm function and strength, along with his independance.  This just doesn't figure too highly.

He has never complained. He says that there was no one to blame, it was just an accident that happened.

I am not trying to belittle anyone else's experience here. I know this is a highly emotive issue for many people and I feel for those who are doing it tough. This is simply my experience.

This forum is a great way to hear other opinions and perspectives on a shared condition.

MMSS

Cinnamon, I am truely sorry for your situation but I would remind you that particularily with strong women we tend to hold every one together during the crisis and then fall apart later. I would strongly urge you to remain in counseling even if your husband will not go. You need it to deal with your depression because if you are off your hormone therapy and not going for your regular check ups that qualifies as a serious threat to your health. Remember the old adage "never screw your self to get back at someone else." Forget about your husband for the time being. Do you really want to do this to your kids? You don't sound like a quitter to me and now is not the time to give up. Men are far more fragile sexually than women are (my personal theory is that is because women can fake it and they can't) so they suffer from permanent performance anxiety. Just worrying about how they might react to body image changes is enough to send some into withdrawal and there are few things more terrifying to a man than the idea of therapy. They just can't accept the idea that they might be wrong or might need to change. You can't change another person, the only person that you can change is you. Of course the fact that you change and don't respond in the old ways will eventually force the other person to find new ways to relate but that is secondary to the changes that a good therapist can help you to make to regain your own health. Anger is a very common reaction to dealing with cancer and it can be very delayed and turned inward it can cause serious depression. Once you have sorted yourself out then you will be in a better position to decide what to do about your marriage whether the plusses outweigh the minuses. We all would like to have our old life back but it isn't going to happen. However what can happen is to work our way through the tough issues to a new normal and that new normal can be good. God bless you honey and please don't give up. You can do this!

Momine

MMSS, I will just ditto your advice.

barbe1958

Ariom, great post, thanks! Cancer hasn't been the worst thing that's happened to me in my life, so it hasn't been as much of a stressor as i is to so many. Also, I had my DH rub in non-scented cream every night to keep my scar supple. He got used to my look before I did. I, too, walk around naked as before and still feel as sexy. My Christmas ornaments are gone so I have to use my creativity!!

Ariom

Hi barbe! I love that, if we can't see any humour in adversity we're in a bad way.

I have been massaging my scar daily too and it's not looking to bad.

Would you believe, I seem to be walking around naked even more than I used to. Don't know why,  I have to be careful because we live in a predominately glass house where people stroll past walking their dogs along the lake. I just know there will be a time where I am going to scare the daylights out of someone. Picture this, almost 60, one boob, naked, not a good look! LOL

I just love the "Christmas Decorations" analogy.

Shellshine

I'm having a rough time reading about men who don't still see their wives as  beautiful. It's not because of breast cancer......... it's because they are !@#$%^&*  

I have a loving husband who still thinks I am beautiful, because I am, regrdless of how much I weigh, how many scars I have, whether my breasts are still as cute as the day we married.  If he didn't  - I would dump him.  

This post makes me want to create a "Breast Retreat" where we can go for holidays, hang out in cabins  in nature, walk around naked in the sunshine, swim, read, write, laugh and apply lots of naturopathic bug spray!

Ariom

Ha Ha Shellshine, when you get that retreat going, I'm in!