"Fortunately, Unfortunately"

Fortunately, the female Baywatch team has been sent by producer David Hasselhoff to rescue us damsels in distress and whisk us away to star in their latest reality TV show, "Cat-Fighting Women Lost at Sea Who Are Rescued." We bid a tearful farewell to the steamy, drunken card-playing pirates, fisherman, and shootout guys and climb on board the luxury NBC helicopter. Our previous fortunes at strip poker ensure that the viewing audience gets an eye-popping spectacle as one-by-one one we ascend the swaying chain ladder, our hair (and minimal remaining clothing) blown wildly by the wind and the surf churned up by the chopper blades. As the cameras roll, we enter the shag-carpeted, chandeliered cabin where we are greeted with histrionic squeals and air kisses by overly excited, aging Baywatch starlets. We can't help noticing that we are wearing more (and more tasteful) clothing than they are.

Fortunately, our kidnapper appears to be an eccentric billionaire heiress, whose plan is to whisk us off to a glorious life of hedonistic pleasure in an exotic locale. She is a healthy, vibrant 20-year breast cancer survivor and an obsessed Baywatch fan who plans to treat us, along with Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, and the NBC film crew, to a life of sun-drenched luxury. What good fortune!

Unfortunately, those actresses still look the same as they did when they were on television.

(Are we telling this story in the present or past tense?)

I'm still passing, I got tired of being the "unfortunately".

oh oh oh!

Fortunately, some big Oil magnate who had just happened to be invited by the director to hang around when the test shots were done, realizes that our REAL faces are the best thing for the  reality show he had always dreamed of sponsoring. We are offered multi-million dollars contracts each, a villa in the Bahamas, a cute cabana boy at our service at all times and free air miles for life.

fortunately none of those strange clauses were concerning kissing ugly deformed dwarfs, or having to make the tour of the world jumping on one foot. So after carefully perusing the contract and the fine print, we decide that "during each Full Moon falling on a Monday after a cyclone hits the Micronesia islands, you are not allowed to wear pink striped flip-flops" is not that bad. So we start the shooting sessions for the first episode of the reality show. It's called "So many women, so little time".

Lol Dawne, I beat you! Now you need to do the "unfortunately" thing.

Fortunately, the contract didn't say anything about our villas, cabana boys and free airmiles for life being lost if we get fired, so we all jump on an airplane and head to the Bahamas!

Unfortunately the pilot got lost and landed the plane in New Mexico.