Starting Chemo May 2008

Hey there...

A whole week of catching up...wow.

Jean - LOVED that video of the couple playing the piano!!

Julie - Oh my...fifth grade.  I know it well - although I am beginning to believe that I would not make it on the show.  We haven't had book report issues (that was soooo fourth grade) but part of Katie's weekly homework is writing daily reading logs.  They only have to be 3-4 sentences on a 20 minute reading assignment.  So, I have been reading "Farmer Boy" (remember Laura Ingalls Wilder?) to her and her sister.  Besides her acting like she must shove toothpicks under her nails as opposed to writing 3 sentences, it often sounds like this:  "They planted stuff and then later they picked it.  You know, potatoes, carrots, turnips, that stuff.  It was getting cold."  Riiiigghhtt.  Somehow, she is still doing well. 

Rock - On the topic of (graduate) students and writing, I actually had someone submit a cover letter this year using the word "sight" inappropriately - more than once.  As in, "I would like to apply to your internship sight."  No.  I think not.

Otter - You are coping, my friend.  How else could you write such side-splitting posts as "10 things I've learned" and, by the way, could you send me some of the virtual valium?  Thanks.

And on the general topic of "getting it together" - there's a thread somewhere with that title.  When I first joined bco, that was one of the first threads I found and it was mainly women in our position, one to two years out from dx and treatment.  I stopped reading it because it was frustrating to me - I didn't get their issue of not being able to just "organize a glass of water" (thanks Rock, loved that one!).  But I get it now...oh, I so get it now.  As I'm still catching up from being away all last weekend - down to LA to see my sister and BIL, then to UCLA to watch their women's gymnastics team compete against Stanford (hugely fun!! Wish we lived closer for season tickets...) and the girls and I stayed at the Beverly Hilton Valentine's night.  Next morning when we came down to check out, we walked - literally - into a red carpet event.  Apparently, the Hilton annually hosts the Oscar-nominee luncheon.  And since it was 11:30 when we were checking out, everyone was starting to arrive.  While we did see a couple of people (namely Lee Daniels and Vera Farmiga), we had to leave before the big names showed up.  Still...very exciting.

Besides all that, there is just STUFF going on.  No, not with the neighbors - just other STUFF.  Until I am reasonably sure of the direction I'm going take, I don't want to put it out here just yet - and no, it's not my health.  At least not my physical health.  Sorry to be cryptic, but little eyes tend to come in unexpectedly, so until they know, I can't say.  But just send some hugs here, okay?

Holey Moley, Kristy!!! I WANT THAT CAKE!!!!!!

Cristine, I am sending you special Lamby-Love, all the way from (almost) the bottom of the earth. I'm thinking there are 2 possibilities and I'm hating both of them. So..love, love, love.Your fortnight..? Man, what an adventure. I don't remember life EVER being this exciting or random! I hope you were wearing something really cool so that for a minute they thought you were just arriving. 

And I'll tell you something else that is awesomely unheard-of: it is autumn here soon, and in the past..all my life in fact, this has sent me into a downward, resentful, crabby spiral. But last year and this year I am joyous about it and cannot wait to walk the dog in the pitch dark and cold. Whaaaaat??? Am I glad to be alive, or something?? Rock, and all of you, I am hearing you loud and clear about Getting Act Together Failure. I swear I put-off-till-tomorrow every task except changing my undies and feeding the animals. What IS this??? Maybe we have a seriously reordered priorities list or something. Maybe half the tasks of any ordinary life have simply fallen off the bottom of the list. I used to read that thread and laugh, thinking it was one of the comedy threads...but then it took me two years to sew a button on a skirt which I wear at least once per week. That's not really funny.....I've been back on the femara for 4 days and BANG. The feet/leg biz has started up again. I think I'll take a leaf out of Eddie's book (or tablet out of her box) and give aromasin a try.  Anyone else on it? Love, love, hugs, hugs Cristine.

Hi women of the world,

It has been a long while since I checked in. It is good to see that we are all alive and KICKING except for RanD who is no longer alive but am sure she is kicking really hard in another space. I am worried about Dana. Anyone in touch? I will check Facebook later. It is a pleasure and a joy and sometimes heartbreaking to read about our trials and tribulations. I am trying to find a new balance in the BC world. I want to think about it less and less each day and am pushing myself to go that direction, but something or someone or missing you all brings me back to it. I understand that it is important to "live with" bc rather than pretend I never had it. Plus, my aching AI joints remind me every day I am on a journey of trying to keep it away or keep it at bay or whatever you want to say, but I just love living and I want to make bc a smaller percentage of each day. Finding a balance. Finding a balance. Finding a balance. Hmmmm. I love reading about what we are all up to. I send Cris thoughts and hugs as she deals with "stuff" and I send Otter hugs hoping things are better health wise as well as "crisis in the family"-wise.

Just got back from a week in LA looking at colleges with our older son, Max. It was a joy to travel with him. He is a lovely, delightful and easygoing guy and we travel well. We looked at four schools in the LA area and it helped him get going down that path. Our other son is in a show in Seattle called "The River Why." It is playing at this theatre called Book-It which delivers theater in a "novel" way. They stick with the book. He's doing five to six shows a week for several weeks and he's basiclally hardly at school but managing really well. People are starting to say he's gay. It's very interesting to hear people hint that your son is gay. I look forward to watching him grow and watching whether or not people's predictions come true. He loves what he is doing and it's fascinating watching him navigate this journey in professional theater at such a young age. They are asking him to try out for the lead in a show next fall. If he takes that part, we will have to get him out of school for a while. It's all a lot of driving and dashing about and it's fun. I have been loving our spring-like weather and am getting out to exercise each day as it is the best way to get vitamin D. Everything seems to be going along swimingly which, kind of, scares me which saddens me as I realize we lived in crisis for such a while that I question what's up when we are not in crisis. I want to get past that. I have an oncology appointment tomorrow morning and last time I went in, I had a big liver scare which only lasted 24 hours but it was scary and I am hoping liver comes back happier this time. I am on this thyroid medication so maybe that will make a difference. These days, I pop my cancer pill, my new take for the rest of your life thyroid pill, a bunch of vitamins and a piece of chocolate every day perscription (I perscribed that to myself) hoping that everything will stabilize. I am starting to think about removing my other breast and think the answer will make itself apparent so not really pushing myself on that one. I would like to lose some weight. I did lose a bunch (12 pounds) but think I've gained back about five...ho hum I like to call it the 30-year diet as I've been on it since college. I think of you often and do read and I do like to check in with you. Trying to find the balance. Olympics have been great. Inspiring. You are inspiring as well. Love to each of you.

I've been away from this sight (it's a joke! a joke!) far too long . . . first it was a week of craziness at work, a combination of deadline pressure and (more happily) the need to tie up loose ends before a week-long college tour road trip.  And then the road trip itself - which, yes, did include a wonderful, far-too-short visit with Rock in her charming! and not really all that messy at all! apartment. Rock, it was wonderful to see you in your home - more personal, and also somehow more REAL, than Fairway, a coffee place, or a bar (to list previous venues).  And you brew a mean capuccino. 

(Check out FB for some photos from your neighborhood, including that wonderful Yarntopia store.)

Hugs to Cris, Julie and Otter because of all the stuff you have going on.  And hugs to everyone else, too.  (Otter, does virtual valium require a prescription?  And will my health insurance cover it?)

Linda

Me thinks the robins in my neighborhood are confused. STILL several inches of melting snow and here they sit wondering where the heck spring is.... like the rest of us.

Noelle~ Put a store here in dayton, I'd be more than happy to work for ya :O). I've thought more than once about asking about having a booth for local festivals. But it is to dream of good smelling things.

Not a whole lot happening here. Saw my ps last week for the last time for 2 months. Any little break is a happy one. When I go back to see him it will be to set up my nipple tweeking. My trammy side is larger than the real side but it turned out to be a good thing. When I had all those problems and had to get things resewn, I had dead areas that had to be cut out. Things happen for a reason, whether we see them or not. I'm still trying to find comfy ways to sleep. I'm normally a tummy sleeper and without a boob there it was perfect.... now there is one in the way LOL. One thing I am having issues with.. like robin regular pants are not fitting right and if I wear jeans more than a day or two, my scar is raw. Plus I am CONSTANTLY pulling my pants back up. Not having a waist at the moment to keep them at the right spot sucks. I'm going to try and find low riding jeans and see if that helps...... or a pair of rainbow suspenders. One "fun" thing I am also dealing with... my family is notorious for not dissolving internal stitches. Right now they are working out and all sorts of spots. I had what looked like a huge pimple come up right on my scar line on my trammy boob. Of course I had to keep poking at it. Got a closer look and saw it was a stitch working its way out. So I dug out a pair of tweezers and helped it a tad. By the time it got to a point where it was tugging internally, it was about 3 inches long. Fun fun

Had my very first haircut last week as well. Told the guy I was trying to grow it back out long again so he just shaped it up and evened me out. He started to comment on my "last haircut" being all wonky and uneven. Had to explain it was a hairgrow not a haircut. It was funny, got a good laugh out of it. It looks better now evened out. Hated to cut it, but I was started to look like a wild woman no matter how much I tried to tame it.

Otter~ I also started to get that plate for my car. It was out of my budget. Maybe next time around.

Is there any memory vitamins that we can take?? Non-estrogen related ones? I really need help in the brain fry area.

All my love and good wishes for a fabulous week. :O)

Cris, I am so, so sorry.  I'm not going to say a lot, because I know that sometimes we post stuff here and then delete it.  But I'm really sorry for what you're going through.  It's just devastating.

Oh, and he's an ASSHOLE.

Linda

Well.  Cris, that's a shovel-ready project if I've ever seen one.  Just give the word.  We're all there with you, in various stages of indignation.  'scuse me while I wander off to throw up behind some bushes...

Jen, I vote for the suspenders.  Can you get some in patriotic colors -- maybe with a red maple leaf?  (Just for fun.)  Yuck on the tummy stuff.  I just tried on some dress-up clothes yesterday.  The fitted suit-jackets were perfect; but the skirt ... well, let's just say my hubby's suggestion that maybe it could be "altered" was a sweet thought, but they would have to add a substantial strip of fabric to fix the problem.  So, I ate an extra Krispy-Creme donut this morning, just because.

Noelle, I say go for it!  I've heard the economy is recovering, so it's time to climb onboard for an exciting ride. Seriously, this is the best time to expand a business, right? (I am so dumb about economics and financial stuff.  Don't listen to me.  I just want you to be happy and successful.)

Julie, I never had a recorder and never raised a child at home... but I do still have the flutophone we had to have in 4th or 5th grade:

I love hearing what everyone is doing with their children -- the school visits, the concerts, the plays, ... everyone's right.  It feels so "normal".

Eddie, as usual you are on-target with your thoughts about BC:  "I just love living and I want to make bc a smaller percentage of each day. Finding a balance. Finding a balance. Finding a balance."  I think I've found the balance for the BC thing, but only because it has been crowded out by the family stuff.  

Kristy, two words:  send cake.  Seriously, woman ... you really do have fun with it, don't you?  I must have been warped as a child -- I learned how to cook but never learned how to enjoy cooking.  To me it's a chore.  I don't know why I feel that way, 'cause I like most things I do cook and I make certain things from scratch that turn out pretty good.

kerry, tell us what your winters are like (again).  Snow?  Cold?  Really cold?  Ice storms?  (I could google weather x Tasmania, but I like hearing your stories so much more.)  Yes, you are right about my mom.  My head knows what's going on but my emotions and the baggage I'm lugging around grab ahold and won't let me process things properly.  Gotta work on that.

Speaking of stuff....  We're with my MIL again.  I don't even want to say this, because it just adds another chapter to the drama.  My MIL had a stroke this past weekend.  Three of them, actually.  They seem to have been small ones, and she's doing okay.  Already she is regaining use of her hand and can move and place her foot.  Her speech is not impaired noticeably.  We had been home just 3 days and had just set out for a little weekend vacation when we got the phone call. So we went home, re-packed, and headed out here again.  Don't know how long we'll be here -- she'll need a couple weeks of inpatient rehab when she gets out of the hospital, and no one knows what will happen after that.  We were thinking we might turn northward in a week or so; but now with the inpatient rehab, maybe not...  <sigh>  

You know how scary it was on that first day you showed up at the chemo center and didn't know if you would be able to handle it?  But, after the first (or second) time, you realized it was horrid and you felt miserable, but you were going to be okay and you would get through it?  Well, that's kind of what's happening.  No magical powers are involved ... just do what has to be done, and get through it.

I have to go check on the laundry.  Hugs to each and every one of you...

otter 

Thanks, everyone.  I knew I could count on the shovel-brigade!! 

I may delete it (I had actually forgotten about that option, Linda) but not for a few days.  I'm really not sure I feel the need since I am not the one who made this bed, so to speak...

My sister is coming tomorrow - she will be a great comfort to all of us.

I stopped reading.

SHOVEL SHOVEL SHOVEL SHOVEL SHOVEL.

Oh Cris.  Cris, Cris, Cris, Cris.

Whatever you want us to do, be, say... just tell us.

Kristy, everybody:  Okay, it's official.  We are a group that can find the humour in ANYTHING.  (And sometimes the humour is stashed behind a big pile of shovels. I'm just sayin'.)

Julie - Katie's school did the same things with recorders - only in third grade. 

Rock - One of the things I decided I would absolutely do is go to New York.  Depending on what we decide to do with Orlando, New York could be just the thing.  Maybe it will be my birthday present to myself...hmmmmm...

So, tomorrow's the day.  I told a few people at work and took the rest of the week off.  I will take the girls to school, then go to my mom's and tell her with my sister.  Then my sister and I will come here.  She's going to wait on the porch while I confront him - not sure how that will go.  I actually don't think he has a clue that I know - he called me today at work to tell me he wanted to go to Las Vegas for his birthday...wait for it...by himself.  Really???  Okaaaayyy.  He offered no explanation why and I didn't ask.  I made an appointment for a consult with an attorney for Thursday.  Oh, and I ordered a new digital camera using the points from our credit card 'cause he can have the other one.  I'm not gonna touch it...eeewwww.

I have fantasized about other ways to let him know I know - printing out a full size picture of my choice and leaving it somewhere in the house; placing a packed bag just on the inside of the door.  Today I had others, like "So, did you just buy a ticket to Vegas for you or did you buy one for BTCH, too?"  Sorry - I have to stay in angry mode to have the energy to get through this.  Still dreading telling the girls...

I will post tomorrow night if I can - I feel the love, girls, I feel the love.  Did I say I have amazing friends who are supporting me? 

I am a fan of killing these guys with calm.  Trust me, it freaks them out more than hitting them with a skillet.   "You want to go to Las Vegas by yourself?  Go, darling. Go with God.  May the wind be at your back."

Cris, did I ever tell you about Pierre and the castle in Italy?   Excuse me if I am repeating myself.  And yes, I am aware that my stories do not portray me in the best light.  But I don't care.  I can really relate to feelings of hurt, betrayal, and homicidal rage.  That's what I'm saying.  (And when you need a story about crying yourself into a dehydrated state, I will be there for you too.  You must come to New York City. And when you do, I promise to have perfected my ability to get you a glass of water.)

 I am cutting and pasting from an email to a friend.

September 10, 2007.
  Pierre called and said, "I wanted to call you before I got on the plane."
"Why? Where are you going?"  (Kind of vaguely remembering him talking about a drug treatment place in Pennsylvania he was trying to get into.)
"Italy."
"Wha--?"
"Come on, I told you about this."***

Now, here's the good part.

Pierre is going to Italy (leaving in a few hours) with a group of seven guys (or maybe some of them are women, I'm not sure) who I've never even heard him mention to stay in a castle owned by a guy who owns (wait for it) a gay porn business of some sort.  He swears it is okay and he is going to check out the castle and won't be doing porn or anything.  Whatever. I refused to even comment, much less ask questions.

Pierre:  "I knew you'd be pissed."
Me:  Pissed? Why would I be pissed. I'm sure you would be okay with this if the situation was reversed.  Bon voyage.
Pierre:  See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you.
Me:  That's okay, Pierre. It's not like we didn't just have a short phone conversation on Sunday night where it could have come up.  I understand.
Pierre:  And then you were working so hard on your book that I didn't want to distract you.
Me:  Why thank you. That was considerate.
** Silence.**
Pierre:  So, are you still working on the book? How's it going?
Me:  Yep.  Fine. Same.
** Silence.**
Pierre:  When do classes start?
Me:  Tomorrow.
**Silence.**
Pierre:  I'm sorry.  How do you feel about all this?
Me:  Don't be (sorry). Honestly, I feel nothing because my strong feelings of rage are matched by equally strong feelings of hurt and they are canceling each out right now.
**Silence.**
Pierre:  Do you want me to cancel the trip? I don't have to go.
Me:  No, by all means, go. Go with God.

**Silence.**
Me:  Okay, I gotta go. Good-bye.


***Yes, as it turns out he did say something a few months ago when he was angry at me for even thinking of going to South Africa. He mentioned something like "Well, then I'm going to Italy!". I didn't take it seriously. How could I?  He just said he was going to Italy, nothing else. And he hasn't mentioned anything since.  Which I pointed out to him. I also mentioned that don't you think that if he HAD mentioned it in any kind of serious way then I would have asked him about it?  Even once?  in the intervening weeks?  Jaysus.

He did this to get back at me for going to South Africa.  What a head trip.

[NOTE:  Did this keep me from writing my book? Or going to South Africa?  Nope and nope.  And I still love Pierre even though we are no longer together and he definitely has not been able to climb back into my "tree of trust." He called me yesterday to see if I wanted company for today's onco visit.  Which was good of him.  As I am fond of saying, he loves me to the best of his ability. It is just a (too) limited ability.]

Love you, Cris. (I'm at MSKCC and can't access Facebook from the library computers but I sent you a message last night.)

I'm okay. 

It was long, but okay.  Well, first I had to prove to him that I knew exactly what was going on by bringing up the picture folder and then he pretty much folded.  We sounded like we were both five: 

Me:  "So, when were you going to tell me?"
Him:  "Tell you what?"

Me:  "I know, J, I know what's going on."

J:  "What's going on?"

Me:  "You're having an affair!"

J:  "How do you know that?"

And then we went to the pictures.  He was appropriately embarrassed I had found them (as he should be!) and apologized throughout our conversation for how I found out.  Apparently, he was intending to tell me.

Ironically, it was probably one of the best, most mature conversations about our relationship we've had in 10 years.  Unfortunately, a bit late in the game.  Somehow, it was gratifying to know that I was right on so many levels - about the earlier nature of their relationship as teenagers, about his feelings towards me and the girls and that he really just wants to move on.  There was no nastiness (after the first 10 minutes) on either of our parts and I am grateful for that.

I've lost a lot of the anger (I don't think it's entirely gone, just packed away until I don't need it anymore) which is better for me all around.  We're going together to meet with the attorney tomorrow to see how we should work things out.  We're telling the girls together on Saturday - and he's taking responsibility for being in love with someone else.  Then we're putting the house on the market, which is actually something we've talked about on and off over the past year, so that shouldn't be too much of a shock for them.  However, when I think about the idea of moving (even though I could never continue to live here), I do get overwhelmed as I look around.  So...one step at a time and try to keep remembering to breathe. 

I don't think I've said this part yet here - it would be much harder if I were still "in love" with him.  But I'm not.  Other events and a shifting of priorites for me has changed that over the years.  I care for him (and he still cares for me) but we shouldn't be married anymore.  This is just the external event that pushed us in the direction we were already slowly going.  So while I am upset, I am not devastated.  As always, my main concern is for the girls and helping them to adjust.

My friends - you all can't know how much I have mentally "leaned" on you this past week!  I am ever so grateful for you and our friendship...

Hugs to you all!!