What do I tell my potential, new boyfriend?

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited February 2008

    Hi Traci

    Actually, I snagged it - it's not really me (I look like a zombie these days). You're not the first person to tell me to drop "Bud."

    He's definitly on the curb right now.

    He tried to pick a fight with me again last night. Sheesh. 

    WR 

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Oh WR, who needs fights?  Damn.  "Sort of" a pain in the ass!  Sorry if the language offends anyone, but gee willikers!  To be a "sort of" boyfriend, a guy's gotta string a gal along better than that!!!  Tongue out(speaking as one who's willing to be "strung" if the good outweighs the bad!)

    Love your sig, BTW: "Living is Sexy"

    It certainly is -- and so are you!  And I mean that based on your previous avatar, and your attitude!

    Keep your spirits up!  And let us know the minute they flag!

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited February 2008

    Thanks, Ann!

    Oy, perimenopause sucks. The stress of all of this has me having my period every two weeks, complete with PMS. I feel today like I have the flu.

    I'll put up another avatar, a real photo of me. :-)

    He's back to being nice again today, but we'll see. I have surgery Wednesday. I'm waiting to see if he picks the Big Fight before then.

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Oh WildRose, I feel for you -- my periods were just awful in the 5 years before they stopped!  That every other week thing was the pits.

    Hope "Bud" continues to behave nicely!

    I'm sending you my hopes/best wishes (i.e., agnostic-variety prayers) for your surgery on Wednesday,

    Best,

    Ann

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    WildRose....Do you think that Bud picks these fights before your important events because he's scared? I know that we feel our partners should be the strong ones and not wuss out during our rough times, but it seems to me that if they feel involved and affected at all, it can very likely cause stress and evoke fear in them too. And, as we all knw, men aren't too good at identifying their feelings, never mind expressing them. So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe if you give him the opprtunity to talk about how he feels or maybe encurage him to participate in some stress-relieving activities of his own, he'll not pick a fight and may even try to come through for you..? It's worth a shot, isn't it?

    ~Marin

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited February 2008

    Hi Marin,

    That's certainly part of the problem with him. The other problems are deeper; he has some mother and abandonment issues. When he broke up with me before my mastectomy, I figured he was abandoning me before I had a chance to "abandon" him--if I didn't survive the operation. Then there is the symbolic "mommy" stuff of having a breast removed...

    He can't visit or help me (other than through emotional support) because it's an LDR: he's 1800 miles away. Which brings up another thing... he cries "broke" all the time but he seems to have money for toys, beer, and so on. But doesn't have the money for a flight out here, or even for a valentine's day card. 

    Maybe he's just not that into me.

    WR 

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  • WildRose
    WildRose Member Posts: 244
    edited February 2008

    Hi Marin,

    That's certainly part of the problem with him. The other problems are deeper; he has some mother and abandonment issues. When he broke up with me before my mastectomy, I figured he was abandoning me before I had a chance to "abandon" him--if I didn't survive the operation. Then there is the symbolic "mommy" stuff of having a breast removed...

    He can't visit or help me (other than through emotional support) because it's an LDR: he's 1800 miles away. Which brings up another thing... he cries "broke" all the time but he seems to have money for toys, beer, and so on. But doesn't have the money for a flight out here, or even for a valentine's day card. 

    Maybe he's just not that into me.

    WR 

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  • LondaLou
    LondaLou Member Posts: 4
    edited February 2008

    I am glad to have found this conversation.  I didn't entirely read through the whole thread, as I first must learn if I have any business being here.  I looked for an Ovarian Cancer support group, and I'm not having the luck I've found with this site.  Yes, I have Ovarian Cancer and diagnosed about a month ago.  I'm stage 4, with movement also in my stomach, liver and lungs.  I'm scared, but not beaten, and receiving chemo before surgery.  I'm optimistic.  Anyway, prior to learning this, I was actively dating and I've since completely stopped.  I don't know what to tell someone should I find myself *interested* in getting active again.  Are there sites where coed cancer patients can hook-up.  It seems to be a good option but not entirely healthy.  Yes, I'm confused and lonely.

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  • Traci-----TripNeg
    Traci-----TripNeg Member Posts: 2,298
    edited February 2008

    Hi LondaLou,

    I am so sorry to hear about your cancer. It really sucks. So sorry.

    You are more than welcome to stick around our singles thread!!

    I've never heard of a site for coed cancer...that's a neat idea though! Maybe we should start one!

    A friend of mine has ovarian cancer and she get's support here: http://www.ovca.net/index.cfm

    It is a site much like this one but is geared towards ovarian cancer.

    Please stay in touch with us.

    Hugs girl,

    Traci

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    There is a dating site called Prescription4Love that lets you list your own condition(s), and condition(s) of a potential partner.  Cancer is one of the conditions:

    http://prescription4love.com/index.cfm

    I think it has more action in some parts of the country than others.

    I myself have been looking for a site that deals with specific impairment -- like matching up vaginal prolapse (me) with post-prostate cancer (he) -- haven't found quite that level of specificity!

    Just googling online dating cancer, I found:

    http://www.cisforcupid.com/

    Haven't tried a search yet.  Their welcome statement says:

    "C is for Cupid is a new online dating service for people whose lives have been affected by cancer. Founded by survivors, our goal is to provide a comfortable and fun environment for our members to connect with compatible singles and friends. So if you're ready for romance, a special relationship, or just want to meet new friends who can 'relate,' register with us and have a look around."

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    Ann...You are an amazing resource! I'm sure that there are alot of survivors who would prefer to find an understanding partner. I recall seeing a site like this awhile ago, but it wasn't as developed. Now they (the sites) should make an effort to advertise and promote themselves so that the numbers of members will grow. Not that I'm wishing for more cancer victims....Undecided.

    And LondaLou, as Traci said, you are very welcome to hang here with us. I think that we're awesome and are able to share on just about anything. If you ever want a discussion on any issue we singles deal with, just post and I'll bet you'll get alot of discussion around it!

    ~Marin 

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Hey Marin!

    I'm just a Google-maniac!  (Fortunately, I'm somewhat appreciated for this at my job!  Too bad they expect me to do so much other paperwork!)

    It's interesting -- I also found lots of disabled/dating sites, deaf/romance sites, ostomy dating sites -- those seem to be thriving.  Of course, those are chronic and often lifelong conditions that involve special insider knowledge of how to go about your daily activities -- makes sense that those groups would have already mobilized a community dating scene!  It is empowering to view them -- helps me to think of my relationship needs as idiosyncratic requirements or preferences, rather than deformity or deficit.

    (for me, my "deficit" isn't BC so much as pre-existing vaginal "insufficiency" that began with a bad birth tear, leading to prolapse -- now compounded by Aromasin -- BC has actually BOOSTED my self-esteem because I was much more isolated with the vaginal problem)

    So, LondaLou -- we all can relate in various ways!

    Ann

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    I think that's terrific and I understand what you mean about re-imaging your own relationship needs based on seeing how others seek out matching, complimenting partners. The only site I actually know about is one dedicated to people with genital herpes (and maybe other STDs as well?). I have a friend with herpes and she always worried about dating and "when to tell" (just as we survivors do!), so I referred her to the site. Then she met someone IRL, but at least she had options and could fel more comfortable. And yeah, I'd guess having an ostomy or anything that might affect intimacy (like your issue too, Ann) would cause one to want a matching mate.

    I always remember a post from someone (maybe Shirlann?) who had a friend who wanted to try online dating, but she couldn't have intercourse for some physical reason, so she put that in her post (in a semi-discreet way) and got tons of men who were interested because, presumably, it eased the pressure on them to get it up and stay there.

    Ahhhhh, everybody's gotta have a gimmick, huh? Wink

    ~Marin

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  • joykeeperorg
    joykeeperorg Member Posts: 154
    edited February 2008
    Hello everyone Im having one of those I hate men days. My ex is such a butt hole! I just need to vent a little ladies! So i broke up with him an now I truly regret it but at the time he was acting so weird like being double standard, it would be okay for him to do stuff but when I wanted to it was a "problem" after so many months of that I just couldnt take it anymore and we were both deploying to the desert and I didnt want to go there with all that baggage anywho we talk every now an again but he treats me like crap sometimes like im just some chick from around the way an it hurts my feelings so bad. We was going to get married an everything. Its like he is being  vindictive. I know he is mad an probably still hurting but this happend so long ago almost a  year! I care for him so much still but when I tell him that it does hurt he just says something smart like now you know how I feel. Im not looking for simpathy just cause I have cancer now but if I knew that someone I care about is sick im not going to treat them bad cause I would have that fear that I would loose them and feel horrible. I dont understand why he is being like this its like he has 2 personality. Sorry I just needed to vent..........Cry
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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    CRC....I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with men crap at a time like this. It could be that he's scared and just doesn't know how to handle his feelings. But the bottom line is that this is really all about you and you need to pull in and focus on yourself and your healing. If he chooses to join you, that would be great, but if not, you might want to try and find some distraction (hmmmm.....what could that be? Wink) and just leave him at the curb.

    Always feel free to come here and vent. That's what we do and that's one of the reasons we all are here!

    ~Marin

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  • Traci-----TripNeg
    Traci-----TripNeg Member Posts: 2,298
    edited February 2008

    What the hell happened with BethNY?? Holy Crap! We need that girl on this thread.

    I am so glad I missed all of it but WTH??

    Beth, forget all that garbage. You and Marin are the "makers" of our single thread. Y'all keep it interesting! (To say the least!!!!!)

    Come back girl.

    Hugs, Traci

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  • Traci-----TripNeg
    Traci-----TripNeg Member Posts: 2,298
    edited February 2008

    Hey San Antonio! (My place of birth......did I already say that?)

    When you say deployed...are y'all (hehehe, Texan talk!) in the military? Just curious. Thank you if you are.

    I was having a conversation with my on-again, off-again boyfriend tonight. I asked him "Eric, you broke up with me 4 times before I had cancer. Now, you suddenly have to have me???"

    The opposite of what you think you are experiencing is just as confusing girl.

    Hang in there. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom. I wish I was a "kick 'em to the curb" kinda girl like Marin!!!

    Hugs, Traci

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    OMG, Traci, ME???? A "kick 'em to the curb" girl? I wish!!! I stayed with that last jerk for 2 years because I kept thinking that if I just did the right thing or could look or act "better," I'd finally capture his heart. And, boy, did I try everything! To no avail....I realized that his heart was completely un-capturable! Yeah, and it only took me 2 years.....No, I'm more of the kick-him-to-the-curb---go-back-out-and-fetch-him-again---kick-him-to-the-curb---go-back-out-and-fetch-him-again---kick-him-to-the-curb---go-back-out-and-fetch-him-again sort of gal!!!

    Yeah, Beth got some sort of crazy, raw deal from some posters over on "recon" as best I can tell, and she's taking a break. I don't blame her, though I wish she'd just hang around on here and over on "Make-up" and "Fashion." Beth was here when I got here and has helped me tremendously throughout the years. If anyone should stay, it should be her. But she shouldn't if she gets abused...what's the point then? Oh well, maybe it will blow over......

    ~Marin

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited February 2008

    Yep, it's tragic how some people act/react on this site. That's why I stay away (mostly) from some posters because they are trouble with a capital "T"! (or should I state a different letter???)

    I'm moving beyond the last 'man' (???), who I haven't heard from in over a week now. I have a date next Sunday with another guy, one who I met over a year ago, and I must say that we're definitely going to get busy, if you know what I mean! ;) (he's definitely good!)

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    Oh Jaybird.....niiiiice. Even if he's not life partner material, he'll be most useful, huh? It's always made sense to me when I hear the old adage about how one person can't be everything to you, ya know? I guess finding one who seems to fulfill it all could be a good goal, but in the meantime......Wink Enjoy, giiiirl!

    ~Marin

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited February 2008

    Marin, since having BC (well, after I recovered from dx & tx anyway) I've made MY wants a priority. Before I was always chasing men, not getting what I wanted and now if a guy loses interest in me then I really don't care at all and I move on. Really, I have no time to waste on men who waste my time! Sure, I'd like a relationship but it has to fit my life/lifestyle and if it doesn't then I'll just flitter flutter from (young) man to (younger) man!  ;)

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  • Sashiko
    Sashiko Member Posts: 49
    edited February 2008

    Hi,

    I am a 16 month survivor and although I have not yet had a relationship, or a physical relationship, I have had 3 "online" friendships with chaps who were not the slightest bit put off about the bc. Two had had wives with bc. one dead, one alive and one chap said he actually found it "quite a turn on".  Well I don't know about that.

    I live in an isolated beautiful beach area, so the chance of a new mate at 66 is rare, but I do have my profile online in a passive way, just in case.  hey I might live for another 20 years!!!

    I guess I would tell any potential lover fairly early on, just in case they did ditch me.  But having a very glamorous mother and sister, I have always claimed that my beauty is on the INSIDE!!!!! And I am sticking to it.

    So go for it.  You might get hurt, but you might not and wouldn't that be something??

    Good luck to you. 

    work on your inside!

    Sashiko

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  • Jaybird627
    Jaybird627 Member Posts: 2,144
    edited February 2008

    Shashiko, you have a great attitude! "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" is my motto!

    I actually don't tell new 'dates' right away that I've had BC because I still have both breasts and they wouldn't know without close (lights on) inspection but I'd venture to guess that most men would be understanding if I didn't and if they weren't then why would I want to spend time with them anyway? JMO.....

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  • joykeeperorg
    joykeeperorg Member Posts: 154
    edited February 2008

    Yes we are in the Military and no need to thank me Im not in the Army or a Marine im in the Air Force. I feel like those guys/gals do more! So im so nervous on Tuesday there are doing a news story on having cancer at a young age and being in the military so wish me luck! Maybe some cute guy will see it an ill have a date Wink and than it wont be weird conversation he will already know about cancer!

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  • jdash
    jdash Member Posts: 754
    edited February 2008

    what happened with beth ? i am very concerned Frown

    we need her back on here   her advice is invaluable!!!!!!!!

    WOW DID SHE INSPIRE ME WHEN I FIRST CAME ON!!!!!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2008

    So Beth was over on the reconstruction board and providing her wonderful contributions over there, as always (since she has such vast and reliable experience and knowledge of recon) and, apparently, a few relatively new posters had some harsh criticisms about either her or her advice. It sounds like they made it quite personal and offensive. Naturally Beth felt attacked. She's decided, therefore, to take a little break, a brief step back, to replenish her soul and spirit, I should think.

    If she's not back in a few weeks, I'm calling her and harassing her Just kidding, but I will call and tell her how much we're missing her. She has been a HUGE source of support and encouragement for me from my very first day here. Plus she's funny as hell!

    ~Marin

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Chantal/CRC, is the news story today?  Where?  If there's anything online, I'd love to see it!

    How've you been feeling?  You sound good!

    Best,

    Ann

    P.S. Julia/Jdash -- Beth and I were PM'ing about the NYC brunch, and she was going to call you -- literally RIGHT before some ugly post hit the fan on recon thread.  But she has said she'll be at the brunch.

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  • joykeeperorg
    joykeeperorg Member Posts: 154
    edited February 2008
    Its a news station here in San Antonio its called KENS 5 I hope they will have the story up soon! www.mysa.com should bring you to the site for KENS 5! Yes its today! It aired at 5 pm central! Im doing WONDERFUL! How are you doing????
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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Hey Chantal, I just saw you on TV (well, on my laptop)!  Great job!  Good for you!

    I'm doing fine -- glad you're doing well with rads.

    Hugs,

    Ann

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  • AnnNYC
    AnnNYC Member Posts: 4,484
    edited February 2008

    Hey Chantal, I just saw you on TV (well, on my laptop)!  Great job!  Good for you!

    I'm doing fine -- glad you're doing well with rads.

    Hugs,

    Ann

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