What do I tell my potential, new boyfriend?

Anonymous

On a different note, I thought that the lyrics to Carly Simon's song, Scar, might have some meaning to some of us here:

 Scar

A grey day in February
Some flecks of white, but mostly brown
Purple surprises riding in on a nerve
Begins to excite you before it settles down

It's after the knives and the sutures and needles
I'm left with an arrow that points at my heart

I call it the seat of my sentimental sorrow
Gone seems to be one of the sum of my parts

And the night is cold
As the coldest nights are
There's a wise woman
She comes from an evening star
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow your scar

A man I knew once said he wanted to see me
I said I'd been sick but was on the mend
I told him a few of the overall details
He said: That's too bad
And he's never called me again

What a gift in disguise that poor little puppy
So scared of misfortune and always on guard
A big man will love you
Even more when you're hurtin'
And a really big man
Loves a really good scar

Cause the dawn breaks
And it's breaking your heart
There's a wise woman
She sits at the end of the bar
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow your scar

A grey day in February
Some flecks of white, but mostly brown
The world has tilted but
The world has expanded
And the world has turned
My world upside down

Cause the night is warm and all full of stars
There's a wise woman
She's moved right into my heart
She says: Look for the signs
You won't have to look far
Lead with your spirit and follow
Follow
Follow your scar

[English translation of Gaelic:]

Run with the red deer
And sing with the wind
The magic lasts
And meaning will follow
The scar is God given
As a sign for your life
Strength from your ancestors
And through your own mouth
Strength from memory
Like a tree on the wind
Show me your scar
And I will make it better

~Marin

kerry_lamb

Hi Traci! (and all you other gals) I just hooked in here for a read. Different from my situation where everything was 'perfect' (2nd marriages, soul mates, my man is a boob man, I've got/had big boob/s, he loves/ed my energy...etc..etc.) I tell you THE thing that men can't deal with: women who are on downers. True!! They can EASILY cope with a sexy, happy one-breasted girl, or a sexy, happy no-breasted girl so long as that girl makes him feel like a real man. And 'real man' is not only about sex (although that is a big thing!) It's about protection, providing for the gal, etc, etc. If your new man thinks he may be useful and 'manly' for you, then trust me! there will not be a problem. My big, lovely manly boob-man (who thought he was in sexual heaven before my diagnosis) still feels manly, useful, protective etc because I am positive, loving and grateful. (This is REAL, not contrived!)  I am Woman. He is Man. I lost my confidence when I lost my right boob. But I've learned a few life-lessons since then! ! Should you tell him about surgery? ONLY if you have one boob. Otherwise just play shy..and discuss it..... eventually. The reality is that 'attraction' is a very complex mix of factors, and thankfully for us, it's NOT about perfection, no matter WHAT the advertising agencies would have us believeXXX

Calif-Sherry

Thanks for your note Kerry.  But, I'm still trying to figure out what the message is.....  I don't think us gals are downers.  We're expressing what we're dealing with and going through.  We, absolutely love men, love being around them,  and have no problem expressing that.  It's very different being in a relationship with someone who has seen you go from boobs to boobless then to fake boobs and someone you're just getting to know. 

Now, we all know that if we are interested in a relationship (boobs/no boobs) you have to be willing to be open.  And that means a positive attitude and hopes for a good outcome.  We know what men like, don't we girls????

barbe1958

Traci, my torso is ripped apart from so many surgeries and stretch marks it stuns doctors when they see it. But, what everyone is saying is true. Men HATE a self-conscious woman. They just want you naked and rompy.

I make sure lights are out the first time, or I'm scantily clad. Once comfortable in the relationship I'll bare all. By that time, they don't even notice.

My husband for the past 13 years (2nd marriage) has been wonderful. He, too, is a breast man. I have him rub the cream into my wounds every night so he is touching, feeling and making it "all better". He knows he is helping me, so he doesn't feel so helpless.

kerry_lamb

Hey Sherry! No no no! I didn't mean we are all 'downers' and gosh! Wouldn't we have a right to be every now and then?? I think we are all strong, beautiful queens who deserve MUCH better than bc!!!  And you're right, it is easier if the man has travelled the road with you, although I have read about some a$$holes who have 'turned'. Much love to y'all!

desdemona222b

Just wanted to say that I've had a couple of intimate relationships since I finished my BC treatment six years ago. I had a lumpectomy that looks REALLY bad because I ended up with two incisions, one near the nipple.  If I had known better, I would have had a double mx with reconstruction because I think it looks much better, even without nipples.  Anyway, I didn't say anything until it was looking like the relationship was going to get intimate, and then I just said, "I had a bout with breast cancer a few years ago, so one of my breasts is badly scarred."  I also have an abdomenal scar from a hysterectomy that looks REALLY bad.

Bottom line is, the appearance of my breast surely didn't seem to have any effect - I'm not even sure they noticed.  Seriously.  I did request semi-darkness, though, since I'm self-conscious about being seen nude in full daylight. 

mzmiller99

des - Good to know that there is hope...mangled boob and all!

Susan

desdemona222b

Oh yes indeed, sweetie, there certainly is hope!  Just remember - guys are animals! 

joy1061

Hi Ladies,

I was just looking over bc.org. for advice on dating post recon and really enjoyed the strength and advice I saw.  I met someone 3 months before I was dx, he stayed through mast & recon only to tell me this 11/30 he would be moving out 12/1.  I was initially devastated, now realize he was becoming a negative part of my life and maybe did me a favor by leaving.

Anyway, was feeling scared about trying to date again. Your posts have made me feel more positive and less nervous about this step.  

Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences and sage advice.

Hugs and health to you all,

Brenda

Calif-Sherry

Hello BC Women..... Dropping in to say hello.  Brenda, I'm glad that you can benefit from reading our experiences (journey).  I'm continuing to enjoy my "transition" man.  I'm soooo glad that he lives two hours away.  I wouldn't want to see him all the time. hehehe.  I have put my wishes out into the universe and will not settle for less than what I want.  But it's fun getting there..  Hey, live on, live strong!!!

joy1061

Sherry,

Thanks for sharing.  Put a profile on match.com and was overwhelmed; not sure I'm ready to give someone that much attention just yet so your comment about distance and limited time together rang home.

Hold out for those wishes and may you find them in your hands!  (Have you read The Divine Matrix?)

Best of luck and health to all,

Brenda