What do I tell my potential, new boyfriend?

Traci-----TripNeg

What do I tell my potential, new boyfriend?

Traci-----TripNeg

Hey ladies,

I looked for a thread for girls who weren't in a relationship currently and who after treatment, were starting to think about it and.......

I mean, what do you say to a guy you meet? "Hi, I've had breast cancer and my body is completely scared?"

I am pretrified to have a "stranger" see my nude body. I had a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy.

Maybe I will feel better about it later but now, it seems like a joke. My hair is an inch long. I've got scars on my chest and my stomach and, I'm fat from all of it. And......(I know...bad attitude........nevermind)

My roommate keeps bugging me to "go out" and I'm like....."no thanks".

Any words of wisdom?

Sorry if this topic is a downer.

Hugs everybody,

Traci

Jellydonut

Traci,

I'm so sorry this rotten disease seems to have robbed you of a life...but...there are options (and lots of hope): 

Internet dating sites where you do have a choice to be upfront about your condition, perhaps not revealing ALL the details, but the fact that you're now overcoming cancer.

Find a hobby that is conducive to meeting men; outdoors activities; book club, or whatever you may like.

Networking.  Somebody, somewhere, has a friend, relative, business associate that is looking to meet the perfect woman.

Not too long ago, MAMM Magazine had an article that profiled nine women that all met their husbands AFTER being diagnosed with breast cancer (a few had mastectomies).  It can and DOES happen and it will happen for you.

You deserve to have a good life and there is a man out there for you, so please, don't hold yourself back.

We often pray on this site for everyone who is going through a bad time with this disease. I am praying for you and that new man who is coming into your life.

Blessings to you. 

Traci-----TripNeg

Hey JellyDonut, (what a cool name!)

That's a good idea about the internet thing...then, at least I won't have to confront the rejection face to face! Maybe I'll try eHarmony!

Thanks girl.

Traci

Anonymous

I hope BethNY comes along and answers you.  I think she faced something similar.  She always has good advice.

twink

Traci,

Hugs babe...thinking about you lately.

I think the Internet is a good place to start..'safe' so long as you use common sense.  Just remember...your scars are evidence of character and substance.  You've been through alot and it will be a challenge to find new friends who are your equal.  It will happen though.

Anonymous

Hey Traci....We've had a few threads on here dealing with precisely te same issue and we have also discussed it, off & on, over on the MOJO thread. Each of us single survivors have faced these questions to one degree or another and we've arrived at a variety of solutions, ranging from just being totally upfront and talking about the bc at the outset to not mentioning it until "necessary" (i.e., when about to become intimate). My own solution has been to wait until it becomes pertinent to the process of getting to know a guy. Sine I do the online dating thing, I meet alot of guys and some of them I wouldn't give the time of day, never mind my medical history. BC is an essential part of my very self and if I choose to share myself with someone, I'll want tham to know about it. But just dating someone doesn't necessarily mean they have the right and privilege to know me intimately.

As for feeling "damaged" and "ugly" and not attractive (therefore unloveable? NO!), it's completely normal to need to learn how to navigate the dating waters with our new selves and become comfortable doing so. My solution has been to just jump right in and walk right through the fear. The online dating really makes it easier because there are so many opportunities and it becomes quite easy, after only a short period of time, to just brush a "rejection" off and call for "next"! (that's what they call it in OLD when you pass on a potential guy and move onto the next one ).

Give it a try, Traci! I think that eHarmony is offering a free trial this weekend. I have used several sites, but am actually having great luck on the only free one I use....www.plentyoffish.com

I'm going to try and find the latest thread on "Survivor Dating" and bump it up for you.

~Marin

Traci-----TripNeg

(((((((((Marin))))))))))

Thank you for your encouraging words! And....the website! I had never heard of that.

I can't imagine not bringing it up right away though. I don't mean to be offensive in saying that because you do not. It just seems....I don't know, I'd rather....I think, just get it out in the open up front so as not to waste time. I'm no spring chicken.

Although, I do see the other side of the coin....let them get to know the person you are inside before you advise of the outside.

Thanks again for your insight.

Hugs girl.

Traci

Traci-----TripNeg

ps Twink...did you change your pic???

twink

Yep....I'm incognito...(hehe)

Traci-----TripNeg

LOL! How you doin' girl????

nosurrender

Hi Traci,

I hear ya!

When I was first diagnosed six years ago I had a lumpectomy so there was less of a body image issue, except for the fact that I was really lopsided.

I did not have the best of luck with the online thing- but that is also because I am so incredibly cautious- TOO cautious I think.

I did have a relationship with a man who had been my friend before cancer and who saw me when I was at my worst during chemo. I didn't think he was the least bit interested in me. First, because he was drop dead gorgeous and second because I didn't see myself in an attractive way...But he saw me as the woman he knew before and he made me feel totally feminine and not a cancer patient at all. We have since parted ways, but I will always be grateful to him because without him I think I would not have found the new me that was inside after all the cancer treatment I had been through. Because of him I had a real reawakening and I will always love him for that.

NOW- THIS TIME- I had a bilateral, my hair is about as long as yours too- I started chemo a bit before you-I don't have anything done yet. I have expanders, but they have been deflated for rads so you can only imagine how attractive that looks.

One man I have known for a while but knows nothing about my cancer, is suddenly showing an interest in me but I am ignoring him because I feel I am an unfinished project and need to get more stuff done before I can think of that kind of thing. On the other hand a pen pal I have had for a while who also didn't know about my cancer was ALSO starting to show a romantic interest in me and we were talking about meeting...well, he found my website by accident and read all about what I have been through this past year on my blog, etc.,  and is no longer writing to me. That kind of hurt.

One thing I learned is, you are under no obligation to tell a potential BF about all you went through until you get to know him a bit... and let him get to know you. If he bails when he hears then he wasn't man enough for you... if he feels that the real you that he got to know is more important than a medical condition, then you may have yourself a keeper.

Cancer helps us  to weed out the men from the boys... and that can be a good thing!

Remember- there are real men out there who think that a woman who has been through as much as we have and are strong, happy, looking forward to the future are real prizes... and you know what? we are!

Remember that YOU are the most important person in this and be true to yourself and don't settle- and you will find your prince.

I am a hopeful romantic... I do believe there are princes out there... they are just hard to find!

Hugs,

g 

NoH8

I'm another bilateral mastectomy, hysterectomy person. I see my scars so differently than you do, as signs of survival and strength. Anyone who wouldn't want to date me because of the scars is someone I wouldn't want to date anyway. The hardest thing for me was the year my hair was growing back-- I looked smashing as a bald thanks to a great scalp and loved my long hair. The inbetween stage was awkward.

I've never had a date/girlfriend think anything less of me because I don't have breasts (I chose not to get reconstruction). I think I'd be incensed at her shallowness if she did. I wouldn't expect anything less of a guy if I was heterosexual.

It sounds to me like maybe you're not ready to put yourself out there, that you still are having trouble accepting yourself. I have this theory that we only attract those who are the same level of (mental) healthiness than we are and the best chances for an emotionally healthy relationship is when both people are healthy.

Have you had any therapy to help you resolve all you've been through? I'd love to see you with an attitude that you're going to weed out who you want to date rather than wondering who's going to want to date you.

Back to your question, I usually just wait until we're talking about ourselves and then just say that I'm a breast cancer survivor. Usually she'll ask more and I'll tell her about it.

Traci-----TripNeg

Thanks a lot for taking the time to respond ladies. I knew I would feel better after reading positive attitudes!

I'll let y'all know how it goes!

Hope everybody has a happy new year. I know I am so glad '07 is over. It has been one "hell" of year.

Hugs,

Traci

Anonymous

Traci...let me clarify. I believe that any one of us is within her right to withold info about her medical history until she feels comfortable sharing it. That said, I'll tell you that I always tell a date at the outset....not when we're doing the email flirtation thing on the dating site or in personal emails and not even on the phone but, rather, at some time during the first date. I want to be sure that i care enough to meet the guy and then, when I do, if he's a creep, it will be completely obvious in a number of ways, but especially in how he reacts to my revelation. As nosurrender says, cancer helps us to weed out the men from the boys!

~Marin

LuAnnH

Traci,

I am right there with you.  I dated alot after my initial breast cancer.  One boob and prior cancer couldn't stop me!  Now with mets I am in a different ballgame.  I suppose I would find a guy if I really put my mind to it.  I joined eharmony since my mets dx and was writing with quite a few different men.  Some I would tell of my cancer and others weren't worth it.  I really had no negative responses to the fact I had breast cancer.  I think the older we get the more accepting we become of our partners and their flaws.  We all have them.  When we were in our late teens and early 20's everyone wanted perfection, but we are way past that now.  If you are serious about persuing a relationship, I would try the online stuff.  You can get a chance to know someone and them you before you ever have to mention the "C" word.  Good Luck!

BethNY

I didn't read everyone's responses- sorry girls- I was just ready to type. Here's my story, and I think some of you may be a bit surgprised at my journey of how I got to where I am now, being okay with my breasts and body and dating.

The short version (okay thats a lie, there is no short version) of my story, is that I was madly in love with the guy I was with when I got cancer.  We were together 6 months pre cancer, and he was my best friend.  I wanted to spend my life with him.  Halfway duing chemo, we had a fight, and split up.  I was devastated, and my family was insane. They couldn't believe it.  2 months later, my second to last chemo, I got really sick.  Was in the hospital for 9 days with 104 fever, and who walks in the door?  Yup, the douche bag. With one wink I was back in his arms, and thought G-d had helped him to see the light.  So we're back together, and I'm about to have bilateral mastectomies, with reconstruction.  I have surgery. He does not see me during the healing process.  I was happy for this, b/c I didn't want him thinking of me as sick or weak (YES, I WAS HAVING A MOMENT OF STUPIDITY, THIS I NOW KNOW).  I totally heal, but have no nipples.  I am terrified of anyone seeing me without nipples.  My breasts were fabulous, but I was afraid that if a man saw me without nipples that he wouldn't be able to get the image out of his head.  And it's not like implants where you have a beautiful round breast that looks like barbie (depending on your scars) with DIEP reconstruction, you have circles in the middle of skin that is from your abdomen, which in my case was darker than the skin of my breast).

I was once again mortified, that if anyone saw me without my nipples completed, they wouldn't forget that image. 

I wore a shelf bra tank top when we had sex, and it was mechanical and hard for me to relax.

After stage two and a long healing from nipple surgery, my self esteem was up again.  I felt great.  You couldn't get me to keep a shirt on practically.

AND THEN HE DUMPED ME.

After 3 years of weathering the world together, the man I called my best friend, dumped me.  And before the sheets were even changed he was sleeping with a young girl (with big implants to boot).

did I mention I was devastated?

Now what? Here is an excerpt from a speech I gave a few months ago:

...What will I say to a prospective boyfriend? Hi, Nice to meet you.  I had breast cancer, and when I take my shirt off you'll see scars, and they don't work like the originals, and if we get married and have kids (which is a whole different story in and of itself) I won't be able to breast feed.  What guy would hear all that, and want to stick around?  I was damaged goods.  My so-called incredible life and all that I had accomplished, and suddenly I might not be good enough."

(you can read the whole speech on gina (no surrenders) web site.

All of these thoughts plagued my mind...so here's what I did about it.

I'll continue in the next post, cause this is geting long

BethNY

I was single, and totally ready to mingle, short hair and all, but didn't know where to start.

First, I went the semi lie/omit the full truth route.  BIG MISTAKE.

That didn't work, and not telling the whole story was stupid, and I was dishonoring myself, and my body, and the fact that I had just beat the shit out of cancer.  I made the choice to trade my breasts, to be cancer free.  And, I got more than a fair trade.  So I needed to honor that.

I went to my visit friends back in Baltimore, where I had lived for 8 yrs, and had a great rotation of guys that I dated, and many of them were still my friends, and were always there when I needed them during cancer.  I saw one guy in particular, and I told him straight forward, I needed him to look at my breasts, and my body with my 21 inch sbdominal scar, and I needed him to be truthful with me.

I credit him with bringing me back to life.  Not b/c we had mindblowing sex (that was just a bonus) but b/c he touched me like I was normal, like I had never been sick, like I had no scars.  He touched my breasts like he would have if they were the real ones.

He told me I was beautiful, and I believed him.

I came back renewed, and confident.

Suddenly, I realized that it was me that was the problem.  Not some candidate to be my boyfriend.  I was the one who had to be confident.  I was the one who had to call the shots, and make the guy okay with me, and my body.  It was all about me.

I proved my theory with another test drive.  A friend of 15 years who was my first love-- we had dated 4 years when we were younger.  We went away together, and started to fool around, and he avoided my breasts like the plague.  I stopped everything, and said, what the hell?  If I was a regular girl, you'd be all over me.

You know what he said?  He said he was afraid he would hurt me if he touched me wrong.

Oh my G-d-- we corrected that problem right away.

So part three of the saga... I am now confident, and ready to put my body and heart to the test.  I wasn't looking for love, when Matthew came into my life.  But I knew from mistakes that I didn't have time to pussy foot around.  I came right out and told him I had breast cancer, and I was finishing herceptin at the time-- I told him right away that I had bilateral masts, and reconstruction-- without going into crazy detail.

Cancer was not the main focus of our first date, but it was definitely a huge topic on the table.  Our third date was the relay for life.

I presented myself in a way, that said-- Hey, it's not my job to make YOU comfortable with MY cancer.  It happened to ME.  And this is who I am, take it or leave it.

And he took it.  Boy did he take it... he'll tell you himself.  He loves my breasts, and he knows we'd take a risk if we got pregnant, and we talk openly about it.  He comes to all of my cancer events, and is my biggest fan.

He loves my breasts, and shook my surgeons hand and said thank you!

If I got cancer again tomorrow, he wouldn't flinch.  I have had a year and a half of being loved by a man fully for who I am, and what I look like.

I recently was quoted in an article in USA today about the do's and dont's of dating during reconstruction.

And the number one rule, is DON'T LIE.

Don't be ashamed.  Don't divulge every gruesome detail on a first date.

Don't wait until you're about to get naked to talk about a mastectomy, or a prosthesis.

Do be confident.  Do wear clothes that are comfy if you have a prosthesis- so you don't fidget nervously.

Don't settle for some guy that doesn't look at you as whole, even if you've traded in some body parts to live a longer life.

Do remember, that you didn't go through all of this shit, to not find a partner that you deserve.  Someone who will love you, for all your scars, and works in progress, or missing parts.

It's possible-- I'm living proof.  Maybe you'll have some trials and errors, but it's possible.

Oh, and by the way... I look at myself, and I know there's no damaged goods looking back.

nosurrender

I have met Matthew and he is like a dream man.

Beth you and he are made for each other- perfect couple! 

Anonymous

Beth...I knew bits & pieces of your story, but never heard it told, by you, in its entirety. It made me cry. It also made me so very proud of you and of all of the women here who have sustained battle scars and are better for them. Now WE just need to believe it! Then love can find us.

Thank you, Beth. You deserve to have the love of a lifetime. We all do.

~Marin

Jaybird627

To parrot Marin, Beth, you are really something else! I am ashamed of myself for not being half has respectful of myself as you are of yourself.  I hope I have the honor of meeting you someday. Keep up the good work! 

Jaybird

JoyRebecca

Beth, you are an amazing lady....and Traci, so are you!!!

XX  Joy

Traci-----TripNeg

Beth,

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with me. It is sincerely appreciated. I am happy that things worked out for you and I am motivated by your reply.

However, I do not have the self confidence that you display in your words. I never have. And, to boot....my reconstructive surgery has left me with hamburger buns for boobs. I hate them. At this point, I feel like I will just forgo the nipples. Why bother? (me, not you)

But..........again, I am motivated by your reply and everybody else's. I think that once I get enough hair......I will gain some self confidence and be able to deal with it.

I'm real happy that I started this thread and that so many of you were willing to give me insight to your experiences that I can build on.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Hugs, Traci

BethNY

Traci, I tell everyone I talk to regarding reconstruction, that you should not stop until you acheive the aesthetic result you desire.  And that statement is very tough.  Because the thought of more time, more surgery, more frustration, time off from work, or any future disappointment just makes it easier to settle for what you have now.

But, my friend, I will tell you that in many cases the end result in a long reconstruction journey is a better result than stopping mid way.

And, I call it the hotness factor.  After chemo is over, the hotness factor goes up automatically.  Your hair gets longer, your skin gets better, you're not bloated from steroids, and you have a little more pep in your step.  All things that add to being hot without actually doing anything.

Here's the other moral of my story.  If you aren't as confident as me, so what?? As long as you honor yourself, then that's all that matters.

TIME, is the bigger picture of my story.  This was no overnight thing.

There were days I cried.  I looked at myself in the mirror with my stupid short hair that didn't look good (and if one more person told me I had the face for short hair I would've slapped them), and this big red line across my belly,and I was mad at myself for letting myself feel bad, b/c everyone said I should be grateful to be alive.

Then I was mad that I was upset over meeting a new man, when my sisters here with young babies were dying.

There was no overnight success.  Time. Patience.  My pure faith in knowing that SOMETHING better HAD to be out there for me.

I'm not a fan of Dr. Phil, except I like some of his sayings-- one is fake it till you make it.  You need to get out there and date guys just to practice.

The online thing is a great idea, just watch out for the pervs.  If you do an online profile, you have the chance to say you beat cancer, then it's already known by the guys that contact you.

All I ask is that you get in the game.  Some guys won't call.  Others will waste your time.  Still, there will be some that are SOOOOO not your type.  And then, when you least expect it, he will arrive.

And my thinking is that if you find an in between guy in the interim, at least you can get some good lovin, and feel like you're getting back in the saddle, so your ready and confident when Mr right knocks on your door.

xoxoxo

4Annette

Beth - you are an inspiration for us single girls!  Thanks!  Annette

Bimmer

You already know the answer to this Traci.

Don't tell anyone too much at first. But when the time comes, be honest. It will work out fine.

I'd go out with you..

Traci-----TripNeg

((((((((((((((Bimmer)))))))))))))))

You are just too sweet. Too bad you live where it's so cold!!!!

: )

I saw my ps today and he said he could do more but...I'd have to have my implants out, expanders back in.

Nope.....not up for that right now. For the first time in like 10 months, I feel no pain.

He told me to come see him again in 90 days.

Thanks again everybody.

Hugs, Traci

iodine

Traci, I understand how you feel about a redo.  I talked with 3 more ps before I had mine redone.   I finally found one who listened to MY conderns and addressed each and every one of them.

It's made a world of difference---even in my posture!

So, take some time off from all this and then set up some consults and see what they have to offer.  You can return to your original ps if you want, but do get some other opinions in the meantime.

jdash

traci

i had struggled with the dating and bc issue and posted about it since i had found no information on it at all- i am sorry you are going thru this but it is a topic that really should have its own spot on the board

going thru bc is difficult enough but the complications it brings to ones self esteem as being seen as a sexy attractive woman again needs to be addressed! i have been unfortunately in both roles

i was married at 27 to the man of my dreams ! the most handsome sexy man i have ever meet and  6 months later he was dxd with a rare cancer ewing sarcoma- he had me by his side thru it all and he fought very bravely but sadly passed away 5 years later

i remarried, lasted 12 years  but the wrong guy and here i was at 49

divorced single mom of 2 girls and dxd for 2nd time with bc (first time stage 1 when still married just lumpectomy that time) going thru all the chemo and surgery dbl mast reconstruction and alone thinking how unfair it was for me to have to go thru this all on my own  (i had had a wonderful relationship with a great guy for a year but we split up right before my dx and my heart was broken for a while  but soon realized it was a blessing we split up before my dx for i would have always blamed it on my bc

and dating again ?  couldnt even imagine - bald and scared - who would want me when they could have a woman who was perfect and whole?? how would i even get back into the dating scene and would i even desire to? well i could go on forever but i asked all the questions you have  when do i tell a man about my bc?(that was my biggest concern) would i feel comfortable with my body? could l love myself enough to let someone else love me back ? would i ever enjoy intimacy with a man again and guess what .....  when i least expected it i met a incredible man who loves me for me and the bc is not an issue for him- i started to feel alive again and many of those aches and pains miraciously disappeared- i could not have imagined life could be that good again after bc but it can be and it will be for you too 

its hard to make that decision to put yourself out there and sometimes it is discouraging since it may take time to meet a quality man that is deserving of you  i can go on and on and will post again on how i decided to handle all the issues of dating and bc but i think we should find a section to post and discuss all this since  there must be many women out there in our situation who need to talk and share experiences

not only is nick my bf a wonderful man but he is handsome and sexy and crazy about me !  beth and gina can attest  to that~~~

oh beth and gina  i finally got nick to shave his moustache off and he looks soooo hot !  hahaha

Anonymous

I like the idea of having a separate section devoted to issues faced by single bc survivors. Does anyone know how to go about requesting this?

~Marin

BethNY

I am soooo attesting to how incredible Nick is.  And, I was here for it all to unfold!  I remember talking about meeting a man, and I remember when you guys first met, just as other women were here for me during my fallout, and the fall back into the world of romance and love.

Further proof, that real men are out there, and you will find one.

Jules, I loved Nicks mustache, it gave him character.  But I can't wait to see what he looks like without it.

Marin you'd have to PM melissa and tami, and ask if they will add to the already insane list of 49 forums, a forum for singles.  It should cover single people, people who lose relationships during cancer, divorce, widow, I think it would be a great place for the mojo thread, etc to be.