Cancer Survivor , is it tempting fate?

Good, good, good!!

prayers answered, Bren!

I don't know if I want to be referred to as a breast cancer survivor....it seems to identify me as a victim. But my journey is just beginning. I am 57, I have 4 children I gave birth to a 38 year old daughter, 34 year old son, 30 year old daughter and 13 year old daughter, also 3 step-children 38, 37,37 and 8 grandchildren 12-2 and a wonderful husband. On March 3 I went in for my mammogram, 2 days later they called and need more pictures and an ultrasound. This wasn't a shock as I have been told for for years (first mammogram at 35) that I have dense breasts. Everything was read by the radiologist before I left and she said I needed a biopsy for a very suspicious area...now the panic set in. That was Friday, the Monday I had the ultrasound needle biopsy and told it would be 3-5 days for the results. I went back to work-I teach 6th grade Spec. Education-students with learning and behavioral/emotional disabilities-at a large middle school. Thursday after 1 of my math classes I had a message to call, I called and the radiologist said it was cancer...and I fell apart. I have great co-workers and they covered my classes so that I could leave. I went home and sobbed in my husband's arms, terrified that I won't get to see my 13 year old grow up or see my grandchildren grow up. We saw the surgeon that afternoon, the plastic surgeon the next day, and then spent the weekend researching. The surgery was the next Thursday, a mastectomy on the left and reconstruction of both so the match. My mom and brother both had melanoma and I have 100's of moles so lumpectomy and radiation weren't an option after talking to my Dermatologist and Internist. I went back to school on Tuesday to orient my long-term sub to what she needed to do and who "my kids" are. She has been in may room many times before over the past 3 years so knows my routines...it helped me leave that I trusted her and knows that she likes them as much as Many teachers would prefer "my kids" are NOT in their classes. I am lucky in that i am usually healthy, although a "chunky monkey" so I have 65 sick days built up. Wednesday my hubby and I spent the day walking in the park and enjoying the day together. Thursday, the 6 hour surgery. After they wheeled me to the OR...I remember nothing until I woke up in my room around 7PM. In pain. 2 days in the hospital and then home with 2-3 Dr. appt each week, with expander fills, surgeon checks, PT and the oncologist. The results of the Onco DX are due this Friday...I am hoping for no chemo, but terrified that it will be in the mid range and I have to make a choice. I am blessed to have co-workers who have supplied meals and gift cards for my break and I have 3 weeks left before I return. If I need chemo I will be out for the year...I can't have a compromised immune system and work in a large school. Previous to this I thought my worst pain was sending my son to Iraq, I thought my heart would break as I watched him walk across the tarmac knowing that the next time I saw him it could be in a body bag...that may still be my worst day. I am not sure how to deal with my fears, but I seem to be surviving 1 day at a time.

Personally, as long as I don't recur, you can label it anything you like. A cancer-free "rose by any other name" is going to smell just as sweet.

I love this thread. I don't call myself anything. I am me. I did what I had to do to hopefully be rid of cancer. I don't like being called a survivor because that reminds me I had cancer. I don't want to be reminded thank you very much. In fact if someone calls me a survivor I might just speak up lol.

Great thread ladies

Nancy

Florida, I'm glad your mom's doing so well and hope you will, too.

I don't like the survivor reference. I am glad to be alive but I want to forget I ever had cancer.

HI All!

I love this thread too! I guess I prefer to say "recovering from cancer" because it just seems that there are always symptoms following treatment whether psychological or physical or both. After 5 years, I have some of both. I'm still "recovering" as I try to deal with these issues, a new normal, and follow up appointments and testing. I think some people who have never had cancer are under the misconception that once you are finished with treatment and are pronounced cancer free that you are DONE, it's over, you should feel great!!! Right? It's just not true for all!! While I am thankful,grateful, and lucky, for me, it will never be over!

There is a thread out here that talks about PTSD and how experts believe people who are experiencing or have gone through a serious illness are sometimes diagnosed with it. A couple of years ago I had a friend ask me why I am not as outgoing as I used to be. After thinking about it I realized that I was was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I did fine while I was going through chemo, radiation as many of you say here on this thread. I too, was happy to walk into the room for receiving chemo. It was that excitement that I was going into combat against the disease along with my comrades there doing the same.

Hugs!

Big thumbs up for your husband!

On the subject of husbands - In the midst of a VERY bad week, early on, I realized that it had never, ever crossed my mind that my husband would feel differently about me as a result of my dx., much less that he would leave me as has happened to so many women, including Elizabeth Edwards. There certainly are times when both of us are clueless towards each other but I KNOW with every fibre of my being that he will stand with me through all of this. That's certainly a huge gift and one I treasure.

Hey, we all kid about our husbands from time to time. The trick is not to ever do it to them in public... As to the white handkerchiefs, more power to him! It's better than kleenex.

"Survivor" is such a stupid term. Cancer is a process not a one-off event like a car crash. None of us survive life - we all come to an end but bc changes the goal posts. Come what may I cannot bellieve that there is a woman who does not feel sad about the changes bc has forced on her. It is not just the physical changes - it changes the way one thinks and even the fact of not being able to get rid of unwanted thoughts makes life a bit darker. Fortunately I told no one so there is nothing to discuss but I know and see the changes and that is bad enough.

Gemma, you are wise! Yes, for me, it colors all my decisions about the future and has made things seem less bright. I don't have a sense of well being and there is no mystery about what is likely to end my life. (I liked not knowing!) I was planning to let my term life insurance lapse when I retire. Now, I'm not so sure that my husband won't need that money and it is a bargain.

MsP