Cancer Survivor , is it tempting fate?

Bren-2007

(((( Raidergirl ))))

Sending big hugs your way.  Sweetie .. please try to have some grace for yourself and all that you've been through.  It hasn't even been a year since your diagnosis.  More time needs to pass and then you will begin to feel better.  I was forever changed after my diagnosis and treatment as well.  Not a day goes by that I don't think it may come back.  I try not to dwell on it and get on with my day, but the further out I get, the more scared I get.  I have really bad residual pain in my breast after the lumpectomy and radiation ... it changed how I view myself and our intimate moments.  It's been 8 years for me ... so please give yourself more time and give yourself permission to feel crappy when you do.  I promise you ... it will get better.

hugs

Bren

ruthbru

Don't worry about it, Raider. Sometimes you just need to vent. Your feelings are totally normal for what is going on right now. It took me a full year after I was done with 'active treatment' before I could even begin to process what had happened emotionally. It probably took two years before I really felt good physically again. Hang in there...it really truly will get better, and it will really, truly take time to do so. Hugs from me too!

Hopeful82014

Actually, RG, I appreciated a lot of what you said, just as I appreciated Ruth and Claire's input. I think all of us hope to be able to climb out of the pit someday; it's helpful to know that we're not the only ones down here - and it's useful to hear from those who are a bit farther along in their emotional recovery from cancer. Hang in there.

NancyHB

RG - no need for apologies. We are all here for you, and each other. We share a unique experience that creates a bonding sisterhood. I look to BCO as a safe and even sacred place where I can be myself, on good days and bad days. Be kind and loving with yourself; I promise you we have all felt and said similar things.

*hugs*

Nancy

RaiderGirl

Bren & Ruthbru, I am not known for patience. its s serious character flaw. But thank you for your kind words. I am going to print and paste in my journal . Reread it once in a while.

Claire is probably going to make a voodoo doll with my face on it, wouldn't blame her.

Hopeful: I shouldn't have said that I struggle everyday. Yes, there are issues everyday but not horrid. Its some days a brick wall falls on me. This week its been 3 days in a row.

See if you can feel the following . DH is handsome, speaks 4 languages, , very successful, has energy of a 30 year old, (he is 60 , I am 56) full head of gorgeous silver hair, dresses well, and is so healthy. He doesn't even have a dental filling. And then....there's me.

He is so kind, so patient with me that I am glad he is working away this week . I don't want to subject him to me when I am like this.

I'm going to have an espresso now and log on to Zappos. Coffee and shoes always make me happy.

Thanks for listening ladies.

I love all of you as if you were flesh and blood in front of me and not just words on a page.

Dewey_Gal

To Raidergirl:I just wanted to say I GET HOW YOU FEEL! And my scenario is pretty good, in that I had a lumpectomy last week, start a week of (SAVI/internal) radiation in a couple of weeks and then I am done...unless I change my mind and do the hormone therapy (which I've about decided NOT to do). I KNOW that my situation is small...in comparison to others that have experienced SO much worse. I KNOW that, in my heart...and I KNOW I should be so thankful for my "good" scenario...but I am just damn mad. Mad at everything and everyone. I can't get out of this horrible slump I'm in. Yes, I was just diagnosed March 10. Had surgery April 14 and will end radiation May 8th. Short-lived..as far as the calendar goes anyways. I have such little issues, compared to everyone else (or so it seems) and I just don't get WHY the hell I can't just be THANKFUL? You are strong and you are honest; I appreciate that.

To the other posters/repliers: Thank YOU for your replies and words of encouragement. Those that said "it takes a year" have helped me to try to accept that it will take time....regardless of how "good" my scenario seems to be. I have felt such guilt, when I get angry at my situation,...because I know others have (and are still) going through much worse. I told my husband I feel like I'm being a "cry-baby", in that it could have been so much worse for me. Sorry is this makes no sense to anyone.

tangandchris

RG-you are okay and your honesty and "realness" helps people. You may not even realize how your words are helping someone....that goes for everyone posting on this board really. Don't feel bad about posting your feelings!

I have posted so many things on this board and have had so much support, it was and has been a life line to sanity at times.

((hugs))

MsPharoah

Raider Girl....can I trade DH's with you?? Mine is 67 and acts like he is 95, socially awkward, has to use GPS when he goes to the market, OCD out the whazoo, He is also not physically fit, beer belly, smokes, and thinks suspenders are a high fashion accessory (actually mandatory for keeping ones pants up). I hope that you feel better!!

MsP

RaiderGirl

Dewey

Girlfriend, if BC is isn't reason to cry I don't know what is.

Compassion, empathy, sympathy, love, kindness, ......feel all of that but not guilt. That's what I am trying to do. I'll let you know when it kicks in.

Maybe you should be mad for awhile, kick the wall, piss off people, pout, do the ugly cry. March 10 was yesterday. This is not a slump your in, this is the aftermath of BC slamming into your life. This is hard and it has JUST happened to you. Even impatient, whiny me knows that you need lots more time.

And another thing, there is no "good scenario". There is only your experience and someone else's experience. You can feel compassion for someone else's pain without having to devalue your own.

Big gentle hug.

ruthbru

Oh MsP, I am so laughing as I visualize your DH! Mine is not quite that 'bad', but I do have to tell him to 'suck it in' whenever we take a picture.....either that or crop it off above his stomach....and he recently asked me if I thought it would be okay for him to wear jeans to a funeral (the answer being "NO!!!!!")....love works in mysterious ways.

Raider, I quite imagine that if something (heaven forbid) would happen to your DH's health, you would love him just as much, possibly even more, as you do now. So, know what he is doing for you, you would do for him in a heart-beat. I think when we make profound, deep, true connections; they go so much deeper than the physical being....but that is a discussion for a philosophical thread somewhere!!!!

farmerjo

RaiderGirl - Now you KNOW you don't have to apologize to anyone here. I did the rant-dance a couple days ago in the anastrozole thread and no one said a peep...just skated right over my little posting. LOL.  (RuthBru...you probably saw it.) I'm ok now. We have days and will continue to have days, but I will say mine are more pronounced on the AI so I'm sure that can play a part.

RuthBru - I agree with your comment 100%. I had that attitude leading up to surgery, and unbeknownst to me, my daughter posted a pre-op pic on FB or Snapchat...something like that. I will let the picture/caption speak for itself.

 

moni731

RG- Well said! I do believe we all feel that way some days, and if someone has not, they haven't been in the hole long enough or moved through the stages. Give 'em time.

Moni

ruthbru

Aw jilly, what a compliment to YOU!

Hopeful82014

Jilly, that's really touching. Clearly, you've raised a wonderful young woman.

Claire_in_Seattle

Answers to your questions. I am truly sorry that you are struggling.

Dont you ever look in the mirror and feel sad about the changes surgery left behind ? Not really. I do have a nasty scar, but I am fit and overall look great.

Dont you ever feel different from before? Like a dimmer switch was turned down? No. I do feel different, but because life altered its course. If anything, I am more grateful for what I have.

Dont you have any SE's at all ? (or are you not on AI therapy?) I am done with AIs in TEN DAYS!!! A bit of a metallic taste. Some joint soreness, my thumb locks up sometimes. I realize I have been lucky.

Dont you ever fear just a little bit? I come from a different perspective. I had a sister with Down Syndrome die when she was 14. I have had a fabulous life. She never had a chance. I have another sister who struggles for other reasons.

Are there no changes in your skin, your sex life, your hair,  your finances, your relationships ? I think the finances piece was more due to the recession, and I do wake up in cold sweats over this. (My key client lost a major client and eventually went out of business. This set me back at least $100k.) But all is fine overall.  The guy I was seeing back then died alas from another form of cancer. So sad. I am dating someone right now and all is great sex-wise. I just lost another friend to cancer so really feeling that now.

Hair: I invest money in getting my hair cut now as opposed to doing it myself, so an improvement. It's a bit thinner, but I am older too.

How did BC slam into your life and not leave even a dent? It did make a dent, but so have other events. I have lost 2 close friends in 16 months.Going through a career change 12 years ago took a bit of doing. I think that exercise was my salvation for both. I was in a funk earlier this evening and pushed through. Got soaked, but also saw the most intense rainbow ever.

So a lot of not fun mixed in with the good. The hardest is losing my lifelong friend to kidney cancer. I can't believe that she isn't here. But also glad she isn't suffering any more.

I am hoping that you get to feel better. Going back to your initial question, I still say that "I had a trip through breast cancer". Because so many things have happened since, and fortunately, I was able to do some things (such as visit my friend and go hiking 1.5 years ago) when it was still possible. - Claire

JJOntario

I am heading back to work soon after being off for the last 6 months. I needed time mainly to wrap my head around this and in some weird way "validate" this life event instead of putting on lipstick and a smile and ploughing through. I was told for years that I just had cysts...so this really pissed me off that my family DR had made me feel that every bump was something I shouldn't worry about. A clear mammo and breast augmentation 10 months prior to dx to perk these boobies up after nursing made them look like something out of national geographic just adds fuel to my fire. I don't want to pretend all of this didn't happen. My tattoos, the scars...my big swollen boob (I'm half way through radiation)...it's real, not pretty and I'm so tired of being that person that smiles and is "fine" just to make other people feel better. I'm exhausted...

I'm dreading going back to work...I'm so not sure what to tell people??? I like "I'm in remission" but the general public is so not educated about BC...they don't get that there is no "cure".

ruthbru

Well, I disagree with 'there is no cure' (unless you are Stage IV at the time of diagnosis). There is just no way to say with absolute certainty who is cured and who is not. My aunt had breast cancer while in her 50s and died at the age of 88 without having a recurrence. My grandfather had stomach cancer in the 1950s. They removed 3/4 of his stomach & sent him home to die.....which he did....33 years later....his .heart stopped after a nice walk (during which he smoked his daily cigar). I'd say they were both cured. I always got the official copies of my doctors records (the ones they keep for themselves & aren't shared with patients unless requested, and after the 'Reason for Radiation?" question, my radiologist had written CURITIVE......good enough for me (and made me cry at the time when I saw it). So, I will consider myself cured unless it is proven elsewise (which, with any luck, will be never!).

JJOntario

I think cure implies that it is gone forever and right now that is what I hope ...but that is not the case for everyone. I plan to move forward but right now I feel that I will never go in for a mammo or US with the bliss of ignorance I had before

shorfi

RaiderGirl...I hate having to smile when I don't feel like it.

I hate feeling like the other shoe is going to drop AGAIN, especially since this is my second time.

I hate having TNBC, when initially they told me it was DCIS, ER/PR positive. I know...I am repeating myself.

I hate that everyone feels it's over, but it will never be over.

I hate that I lost a few so-called close friends because of this. They thought they were being supportive, but were not. I had people that i NEVER expected to support my husband and I...and not my so-called friends.

I fear most of the time, but have to tell my oncology therapist that I feel great!!!

One thing I am happy about though is, my mom didn't live to see me get this beast again. And my husband was my rock and continues to be. And the funny part about this whole crap is that my ex-husband was just as supportive.

Like you RaiderGirl, I feel that cancer changed everything

NineTwelve

This is such a great thread. I've read it all twice, because I am in awe of the strength and courage here - the courage to own the bad feelings and the good ones, all of it.

I had these thoughts on "survivor" this morning. I don't use it because:

1. It makes me think of the opposite: not surviving.

2. It defines me by my cancer.

For those two reasons, I am with the people who say they have (or had) cancer, but it's being managed. It's more wordy, but it feels more true.

Mommato3

When I was going through chemo my MO told me she doesn't like to delay or lower chemo because we are going for curative purposes. At the time I was too shocked to even respond. I thought there was no cure for BC. Now I realize there is no "known" cure. Women are cured all the time. Some only need surgery to do it. Unfortunately we don't know who is or isn't.

I'm not going to tell people how they should feel because everyone deals with stuff differently. Nor should anyone be upset because someone may be doing better emotionally or physically. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this. We're all here to support each other. I freaked out when I found out. The thought of leaving my kids was devastating. I finally pulled myself together. I realized I could spend the next five years worrying about this coming back and if it did then I just wasted five good years with my family. Or I could stress and it never come back and I wasted those five years. Chemo was tough but I "survived" it. I feel pretty good emotionally and physically but that's not to say I don't worry sometimes. I exercise daily which has really helped me.

I don't really consider myself a survivor or a warrior. I did what needed to be done to hopefully see my kiddos grow up. As far as I know, I'm cancer free. I'm going to believe that until I'm told otherwise.

Big hugs to all of you that are really struggling

ruthbru

Don't say you're fine if you aren't! I always said, "I'm hanging in there." Which is what I was doing during that period of time.

shorfi

I like that Ruth

Hopeful82014

I think it is vital to distinguish and acknowledge an emotional recovery process as well as a physical recovery. As is the case with all recoveries, it takes time, is unpredictable and varies from one person to another.

It would be unrealistic to expect a woman two days post-surgery (of any kind) to be out running a marathon. In the same way, it's unrealistic (and needlessly cruel to ourselves) to expect that we will have the same kind of equanimity and psychological ease immediately post-dx., during active treatment and at the one year, two year and ten year mark.

While we aspire to both physical and emotional wholeness after any injury or loss, I think we impede our progress towards both by pretending that it isn't a long, painful process with the occasional-to-frequent setback along the way. Nor is it fair to impose unrealistic expectations on our sisters at any point in the recovery. A lot of people want the emotional recovery to occur about five minutes after dx. Let's cut ourselves some slack to make up for all those who don't.

Evilmidget

I too, have read through all these posts a couple of times. I've never liked the term "survivor" and find the overuse of the color pink to describe BC abhorrent. The ONLY reason I like pink is because my 5 year old granddaughter loves it.

I'm just one week out from finishing rads and still not convinced I'm okay. This whole cancer thing just seemed to grow....and grow. At first the sonogram showed a very small .6 cm nodule. Then two subsequent MRIs indicated a larger mass and it was suggested I have a lumpectomy. Four days before surgery, during my pre-op something inside me said to just go ahead and have a mastectomy which turned out fortuitous because I ended up having an extensive 3 - 4 cm DCIS (unclear margins) against my chest wall which meant radiation. (Luckily my oncotype was only 13, so no chemo).

The whole thing is that I can't help feeling that there is going to be more cancer just because the initial DX just kept getting worse. So, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, I feel good and strong. I was able to start my workouts about 3 weeks after my MX and except for some memory issues (anyone else have that?) from the hormone therapy I seem to be doing ok. I just have a feeling of dread. Maybe it'll ease up later. I sure hope so!

Bren-2007

Hopeful ... What you posted really resonates with me.  It just takes time to heal ... both emotionally and physically.  I have to continue to remind myself to have grace for myself and those around me.  Especially family and friends that don't understand that there is no cure for cancer.  As the years have gone by, I ruminate far less on what I've lost because of this disease.  Life just keeps going along, whether I'm present for it or not.  I think of recurrence often as well.  I think that's normal.

My sis was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm about a year ago.  She had another scan today and couldn't understand why she was having stomach cramps and nightmares this week.  duh.  I can't imagine living with an aneurysm knowing that it could bust open at any moment and kill you on the spot.  She is not a candidate for surgery because of the location.  I worry as much about her situation as I do about my own .. if not more.  At least I was able to have treatment for my cancer.  Anyway ... thanks for letting me share a bit about my sis.  I've been nervous all day waiting to hear the results of her scan.

hugs

Bren

Hopeful82014

Bren, I certainly understand your concern about your sister. What a situation... You're both in my thoughts today with hopes of encouraging news soon.

ruthbru

Let us know how she is doing, Bren. Hugs!

MsPharoah

Bren, here's praying that you get comforting, good news about your sis! I really enjoy reading this thread. I feel blessed that even though I think about cancer every day, it isn't the first thing I think about in the morning anymore.

MsP

Cowgirl13

I really like this thread!