Cancer Survivor , is it tempting fate?

Bren-2007

I love you guys ... thanks for caring about my sis.  We got the word that her MRI showed "no change" from the last one!  Yay ... the damn thing isn't growing.  It's such a huge relief ... she's my best friend.

hugs

Bren

ruthbru

Good, good, good!!

katcar0001

That is such great news, Bren!

MsPharoah

prayers answered, Bren!

Hopeful82014

So glad to hear that, Bren.

tjh

I don't know if I want to be referred to as a breast cancer survivor....it seems to identify me as a victim. But my journey is just beginning. I am 57, I have 4 children I gave birth to a 38 year old daughter, 34 year old son, 30 year old daughter and 13 year old daughter, also 3 step-children 38, 37,37 and 8 grandchildren 12-2 and a wonderful husband. On March 3 I went in for my mammogram, 2 days later they called and need more pictures and an ultrasound. This wasn't a shock as I have been told for for years (first mammogram at 35) that I have dense breasts. Everything was read by the radiologist before I left and she said I needed a biopsy for a very suspicious area...now the panic set in. That was Friday, the Monday I had the ultrasound needle biopsy and told it would be 3-5 days for the results. I went back to work-I teach 6th grade Spec. Education-students with learning and behavioral/emotional disabilities-at a large middle school. Thursday after 1 of my math classes I had a message to call, I called and the radiologist said it was cancer...and I fell apart. I have great co-workers and they covered my classes so that I could leave. I went home and sobbed in my husband's arms, terrified that I won't get to see my 13 year old grow up or see my grandchildren grow up. We saw the surgeon that afternoon, the plastic surgeon the next day, and then spent the weekend researching. The surgery was the next Thursday, a mastectomy on the left and reconstruction of both so the match. My mom and brother both had melanoma and I have 100's of moles so lumpectomy and radiation weren't an option after talking to my Dermatologist and Internist. I went back to school on Tuesday to orient my long-term sub to what she needed to do and who "my kids" are. She has been in may room many times before over the past 3 years so knows my routines...it helped me leave that I trusted her and knows that she likes them as much as Many teachers would prefer "my kids" are NOT in their classes. I am lucky in that i am usually healthy, although a "chunky monkey" so I have 65 sick days built up. Wednesday my hubby and I spent the day walking in the park and enjoying the day together. Thursday, the 6 hour surgery. After they wheeled me to the OR...I remember nothing until I woke up in my room around 7PM. In pain. 2 days in the hospital and then home with 2-3 Dr. appt each week, with expander fills, surgeon checks, PT and the oncologist. The results of the Onco DX are due this Friday...I am hoping for no chemo, but terrified that it will be in the mid range and I have to make a choice. I am blessed to have co-workers who have supplied meals and gift cards for my break and I have 3 weeks left before I return. If I need chemo I will be out for the year...I can't have a compromised immune system and work in a large school. Previous to this I thought my worst pain was sending my son to Iraq, I thought my heart would break as I watched him walk across the tarmac knowing that the next time I saw him it could be in a body bag...that may still be my worst day. I am not sure how to deal with my fears, but I seem to be surviving 1 day at a time.

farmerjo

Tjh - 

Just know that we all have been in your shoes.  You will find tons of support here. 

Reading your post reminded me of my awful time, and I still have 'spells'. They say it can take years before it's not actually on your mind 24/7. There's that split second when you first wake-up and everything feels normal...then you remember.

I had bmx - the reminder is always there when dressing. I have good days and bad days, but over time there are more good than bad. You will grieve, because for the most part, your life will never be the same. Everything now will be chronicled as 'before BC' or 'after BC'.

Hoping you receive a good Oncotype - then you can try to move on with your life.  Of course, there will be daily medications. 

I have found that this is the time to stop putting everyone else first. You need to take care of you, do things you've been putting off. Instead of starring at things you've dog-earred in catalogs or stock-piled in your online shopping cart,  BUY THEM! Pamper yourself. Travel. You get the idea.  

We hope we die of something else but the reality is we don't know if we have 5, 10, 15 years. 

As Tim McGraw says, "Live like you're dying".

elimar86861

Personally, as long as I don't recur, you can label it anything you like. A cancer-free "rose by any other name" is going to smell just as sweet.

Tennislady

Hello RaiderGirl,

I have not posted in a long time but "lurk" and read frequently. I relate to so many of your postings. Your question of what to call yourself is one I have wrestled with myself. I don't like calling myself a cancer patient-I won't even use the cancer designated parking spots. I, like you, am not comfortable with survivor because that could turn in an instant. I've rejected the term "endurer" because I don't endure any of this very well. What I have finally settled on is cancer sojourner-it's a trip we're on and it is still playing out. As of April 30, I will be a 2 year NED cancer sojourner. I will breathe easier in early May after my 6 month followup of course. Anyway that's my take on it and I thought I'd offer "sojourner" as an option to those who don't use the term "survivor."

Prayers and good wishes for all on this journey together. Thanks for all the support offered here!

Tennislady

Nancy2581

I love this thread. I don't call myself anything. I am me. I did what I had to do to hopefully be rid of cancer. I don't like being called a survivor because that reminds me I had cancer. I don't want to be reminded thank you very much. In fact if someone calls me a survivor I might just speak up lol.

Great thread ladies

Nancy

florida2015

I would rather not put a name to it. They removed it. In process of radiation and drug and that will be it. I feel putting any type of name to it makes it much worse in my own mind. My mother handled it the same one he at age 75 and she has not had any type of reoccurrence in eight years. She didn't tell too many people about it she just did her radiation and she is fine now.

Hopeful82014

Florida, I'm glad your mom's doing so well and hope you will, too.

fizzdon52

I don't like it one little bit. I get really annoyed by all these positive people, people dancing as they are going in for surgery etc. I personally think it's rather ridiculous. Hope I'm not upsetting anybody but to each their own.

Meow13

I don't like the survivor reference. I am glad to be alive but I want to forget I ever had cancer.

Rockym

It would be hard for me to forget I ever had cancer since I check in on this group often. ;-) I'm pretty open about my cancer experiences, but then again I think my wounds were so much more emotional then physical. It's hard to explain, but I now look the same as I did 4 years ago and no one who didn't know what I went through would know unless I told them. I went for a massage yesterday and the topic came up when I mentioned no one knowing how to do a proper lymphatic massage. I told her it would be a good thing to learn and specialize in as there was only one guy in my area who did it. The whole lymphadema thing (which has almost resolved) was the worst. Anyway, my point is that the topic of cancer comes up often. It just feels like I am farther away from the experience now. Of course I have to go in for a mammogram next month and that's probably the worst part of my year.

jramick

HI All!

I love this thread too! I guess I prefer to say "recovering from cancer" because it just seems that there are always symptoms following treatment whether psychological or physical or both. After 5 years, I have some of both. I'm still "recovering" as I try to deal with these issues, a new normal, and follow up appointments and testing. I think some people who have never had cancer are under the misconception that once you are finished with treatment and are pronounced cancer free that you are DONE, it's over, you should feel great!!! Right? It's just not true for all!! While I am thankful,grateful, and lucky, for me, it will never be over!

There is a thread out here that talks about PTSD and how experts believe people who are experiencing or have gone through a serious illness are sometimes diagnosed with it. A couple of years ago I had a friend ask me why I am not as outgoing as I used to be. After thinking about it I realized that I was was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. I did fine while I was going through chemo, radiation as many of you say here on this thread. I too, was happy to walk into the room for receiving chemo. It was that excitement that I was going into combat against the disease along with my comrades there doing the same.

Hugs!

RaiderGirl

MsPharoah,

Suspenders...mmmm. Is there a bow tie in the closet too?

I have mentioned to DH that I feel sometimes like damaged goods. The response I got was , " I think you're perfect but perhaps you should come over here and let me inspect you some more. I might of missed something"

Gotta love the man.

katcar0001

Big thumbs up for your husband!

MsPharoah

RG, men!! No bow tie....I wish. There just isn't anything sexier than a guy with a pair of suspenders over a faded, stretched out t-shirt.

You husband sounds like mine....when I pointed out that my cancer nipple was colorless most of the time, his response was..ooh, that's sexy. MEN!

MsP

Hopeful82014

On the subject of husbands - In the midst of a VERY bad week, early on, I realized that it had never, ever crossed my mind that my husband would feel differently about me as a result of my dx., much less that he would leave me as has happened to so many women, including Elizabeth Edwards. There certainly are times when both of us are clueless towards each other but I KNOW with every fibre of my being that he will stand with me through all of this. That's certainly a huge gift and one I treasure.

MsPharoah

Gosh, hopeful....now I feel bad about trashing my husband. I was going to complain about him carrying white handkerchiefs, like an old fart.... but now I'm not. LOL

MsP

Hopeful82014

Hey, we all kid about our husbands from time to time. The trick is not to ever do it to them in public... As to the white handkerchiefs, more power to him! It's better than kleenex.

mhenz

Thankyou for saying it. I am not really fighting. I am trying to live a healthy lifestyle to be cancer free and I am merely enduring this dreadful treatment that is the standard of caRe. The obits make me crazy. No one ever says. They lost their battle with heart disease, or lost their battle to addiction.

RaiderGirl

MsPharoh

My cancer nipple is colorless too. It looks so weird. I thought I was the only one.!

tjh

My DH has been great, sometimes too helpful...scared but doesn't like to show it. He is a retired US Army COL...used to being in total control of 2500 men and women and it is hard for him to have no control of my cancer or to make it so I don't hurt. On top of that we have is 95 year old mother with dementia to deal with. Luckily she is in Memory Care.

Hopeful82014

Mhenz, I agree completely on both issues and am so glad to see another woman express those thoughts. Thank you.

Rockym

OMG, the colorless nipple! Okay, maybe this should be a separate thread. I have it too. I thought it had to do with the lack of lymphatic fluid circulating in that breast. I am not sure and I actually looked it up the other day, but didn't find anything. I had the SN removed and it was clear and it was happy day for me, but my BS thought my IDC was too close to my underarm so he took 5 more nodes. Turns out there were micromets in 2 of them which them meant chemo and so on. I think I was so glad I was able to keep my breasts, etc. that the colorless nipple was simply collateral damage. P.S. when it really bothered me in the beginning, I would put a touch of blush on it and it would look normal.

gemmafromlondon

"Survivor" is such a stupid term. Cancer is a process not a one-off event like a car crash. None of us survive life - we all come to an end but bc changes the goal posts. Come what may I cannot bellieve that there is a woman who does not feel sad about the changes bc has forced on her. It is not just the physical changes - it changes the way one thinks and even the fact of not being able to get rid of unwanted thoughts makes life a bit darker. Fortunately I told no one so there is nothing to discuss but I know and see the changes and that is bad enough.

jramick

RAidergirl and Rocky....

5 years out.....the color comes back! It's that nasty radiation!

MsPharoah

Gemma, you are wise! Yes, for me, it colors all my decisions about the future and has made things seem less bright. I don't have a sense of well being and there is no mystery about what is likely to end my life. (I liked not knowing!) I was planning to let my term life insurance lapse when I retire. Now, I'm not so sure that my husband won't need that money and it is a bargain.

MsP