Cancer Envy?

jayatea, I love your perspective on issue and just trying to understand each other.  You made me remember another reason why I love this board and that is it makes me feel alive ; it makes me feel like we all have a voice and whether we understand each other or not we are engaging in life.  My heart pumps with blood after reading the different post.     Many times it only takes one post like yours---"Keep it coming, I may be able to figure this s---- out" that makes me LOL and realize how much you all mean to me!  Have a great night!  

vbishop, I don't share any details about my breast cancer experience with anyone outside of this board, so I referenced my experience on this board.  Others have posted in this thread saying that they see this same discrimination that you mentioned on this board and I made the point that I have not felt that discrimination.

You said have you have your diagnosis downplayed "by other breast cancer survivors who are a higher stage or have had a much rougher road, treatment wise, than I do".  I was trying to explain why that might happen. I don't think the venue matters; similar comments might be made on this board or in the "real world".  The issue can arise wherever there are breast cancer patients of different stages, mixing or conversing together.

Yes we all have breast cancer.  Yes it sucks.  Yes we should all help and support each other and we should never minimize someone else's experience.  But then there is real life. In real life, when I read a post from a someone who proclaims that going through the biopsy process (and getting a benign result) was "hell", I'm not as sympathetic as I probably should be. I don't say anything, but I know how I feel.  So by the same token, if I were to complain about the on-going side effects of my MX to someone who's had to endure a debilitating round of chemo, has lost all her hair, and who still faces a scary high risk of mets, I can appreciate that, depending on the day and the person, I might not always get the most sympathy.  To me, that's understandable. If that woman has faced a tougher challenge than me, I don't take the comments personally.

Why
am I so bothered by what people say and by the assumptions out there?
Our friends / sisters with stage IV breast cancer have probably even had
people say things like - "you are lucky you only have breast cancer,"
or "if you had to get cancer, that is a good one to get," or something
similar.

Why does it continue to anger, or frustrate, or hurt when
people - any people, assume that, since you've recovered from surgery,
everything is great?

Why do I feel guilty for having a pity-party when I only have stage I breast cancer?

Jay, just realize that of course you are going to be sensitive to everything around you when you first face the horrible BC monster and a good while afterwards. I don't think there would be one person who didnt experience their emotions all over the place. Just because BC is becoming more prevalent doesnt make it any less painful to deal with. As we go on we do learn to deal with things and this will be in our own time and according to our circumstances.  I could pretty much tell when people said something a bit silly but really meant well. In that case I think its much better to let it passover our heads as they didnt intend to upset us and just didnt know what to say.. Its quite another matter when someone is plain out nasty, catty and vindictive for whatever reason.

I don't think anyone is "lucky" to get BC. 

When people minimize our BC it can really hit a raw nerve. Ive found if they do it unwittingly I tend to give them a little headsup if I can. Usually theyre fine with that. OTH if people are going to be toxic on purpose, depending on who they are, sometimes you're better off not wasting your energy on them. Other times they flat out deserve to be told point blank. Either way, eventually they reap what they sew. Someone here further back said its great to forgive and put it very well, I totally agree. It really lets you off the hook if you know what I mean.  I hear you when people TELL you how youre feeling. If theyre saying it in a question form thats different but no, they dont know how youre feeling.

Our society has us
being all nicey-nice in public and not airing our aches, pains and
problems. There's that brave face again. The best I usually end up
saying is something like, "there are some days better than others" and
then if they are genuinely interested, they will pursue the topic.

I think your own answer to this is a good one. Also people who just fob you off for no good reason are not worth the energy anyway.

Hang in there... I hope this helps.

What does "WYSIWYG" mean?  Sorry, i'm not up on word games...chemo brain.

Wrenn, it's an acronym for: what you see is what you get

This is an interesting thread and I too have been downplayed for having an early stage bc, be it online or face-to-face.  I've had a few men I know  blow off my fears in early active treatment, stating their exwife had the same they were fine and one said it's no big deal.  My husband has just finished active treatment (now in remission) for throat cancer.  It is a horrendous active treatment, of 200 hours of chemo, 7 weeks of radio, months of living with the mother of all sore throats, not being able to even swallow and a feeding tube (PEG) to take in nutrition.  His dx at stage 2 and he also was met with claims that he will be fine (did have lymph node involvement) and lucky to catch it early - why look at Michael Douglas he was stage 4! Unless you have actually gone through treatment, really been there I think people minimize cancer and the treatment involved because they are uncomfortable and have actually, have no idea what they are talking about.

Thank you so much Musical, yet he is on the road to recovery and making terrific progress and just started back to work full time, although thin, lack of energy and no saliva - oh the things we take for granted.  

I do not mean to change the subject but are most of the early stagers aware that the stage IV ladies are being discriminated on our behalf? They are denied access to support groups because the people running them say they would "scare" the early stagers. I was really taken back by it but I do realize the reasoning behind it.

Ladies - before I found this website and when I first got my diagnosis and was looking for an oncologist I was contacted by a lady with stage 4 cancer.  She didn't ask me my stage or tumor size or anything like that.  She asked what she could do to help me start coping.  She has kept in touch with me and been wonderful.

I don't think it is healthy to generalize about people.  I am sure some Stage 4 ladies feel they suffer more.

As a stage 1 lady I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Hugs to all.  Be nice to everyone including yourselves.

LilacBlue, hey thats great hubby back at work, but lets hope he gets better and better very soon. I wonder if theres something that will help him build up more saliva? My heart so went out to you when you posted! Special gentle warm hugs.

Oy vey ! Uncle, white flag, surrender.

Oy vey? Uncle? If you really want to tell me something, try this...plain speech or is that too cryptic?. 

That said... OK ladies, apologies, Im not big on acronyms but prefer just ordinary pure language, but yeah, OK admitted, sometimes I fall for it too in the name of convenience. Looks like I shot myself in the foot a bit on that one. I was just meaning calling a spade a spade is great as theres no fuss no bother no facades and people know where they are with you. 

I wonder what our language will be like in 20 years.

Worse than it is now if it carries on down this slippery slope, so that you can't get a straight answer about anything from anyone at anytime. Too busy trying to discern what common sense is coz anything can mean anything... Just imagine unraveling that chaotic mess!  

There but for the grace of God go I. .

They are denied access to support groups because the people running them say they would "scare" the early stagers.

Where? FOrgive me if Ive missed something at BCO (it is a huge palce afterall)  but I haven't come across that. I have seen a ST4 say something similar to this but it was HER choice not to go to some boards (cant remember exact words) so she didnt scare people. If they are actually denied access thats really horrid , if they choose no access themselves thats different.  I would never EVER EVER want to discriminate against anyone and certainly not ST4. Thats absurd.

Should have said if I have to have cancer then I wish i had early stage breast cancer.....or even colon cancer which is not disfiguring

I can understand why MBC patients would actually get more benefit from a dedicated support group as it IS a different situation.........I speak as someone with no access to support groups and wish I had some options, i have a weekly therapy appointment over Skype and thats it.....there is not even a therapist local.....

Lily, just doesnt sit right with me to wish any type OR STAGE of cancer on myself or anyone else. Moreover, I dont believe Im the only one who finds "shock tactics" off putting. I kind of align it with hard core sales pitching, and for sure that just doesn't work on me.

Just read your last post again.... Im sorry theres no support in your area. I hope something works out for you. Real life support is a real need for some of us. Those who are left  out on this, at least have BCO to go to. BC can be a very lonely road, even with many people around you. Hugs.

Musical-  why so angry? I will speak for all of the lurkers...you sure are a one upper! It's ridiculous and not normal. Please refrain from unleashing your furry or posting a long stupid response trying to "justify" that you are right. 

vbishop,

No kidding!  I know my treatment doesn't feel minimal when I look in the mirror!