Cancer Envy?

naiviv

Every one is entitled to their opinion and their way of speech and unless you follow someone for awhile it is hard to know "know them" if at all. 

I have read many of exbrnxgrl's posts, she contributes quite a bit and has always been  very respectful and helpful to all stages. 

Cancer is horrible no matter what  the size or numbers are, unfortunately a lot of persons who have never faced it closely have no idea what to say and when they do it often times sounds condescending . They don't realize that often times we smile and say we are ok  because we don't wish to discuss / or burden someone with are se's. Then we get an earful of how lucky we are because so and so had it horribly.   Or how chemo doesn't work or how lemon is the cure..... 

It's bad enough out there, in here we should respect others opinions and views , vent  all we need to  without putting someone down.... Just stating my humble opinion.

I happen to be a stage 1b with micromet  of less than 2mm to lymph ( but it was 100% her +) and nothing has been easy. Still going thru chemo... Have herceptin after to finish for a year weekly and yes at times terrified of the future what if's... Because there are only % given to me and none are zero.... And after mammogram that showed something and US confirmed what looked like just fat... I was told my chances of it being cancer were 1% .  

So please remember no one knows what we carry inside unless it's been shared and there are persons on here who have no one else to talk to or go to for support.

May you all find that place within that makes you feel good again  as you travel this road

Vivian

exbrnxgrl

"I'm in the elite stage IV group,"

By your own words youve spoken it and if you think your superiority gives you a free pass to put everyone else in their place, well Im sorry you might be selling but I'm not buying. Theres other Stage 4s that despise this elitist attitude ... thankfully, one of them WAS my sister.

Musical, 

Yes, as Wrenn stated, I was indeed being facetious. You don't know me, of course, but you really made a rather harsh leap to judgement. I feel no sense of superiority, I have never put anyone in their place and there is certainly nothing I am "selling". My only point being that although we do have things in with common bc, the reality is things often get tougher as you go up the ladder and the experience is not always the same. That being said, I fully acknowledge the dreadful experience this is for all of us and our loved ones at any stage. There was no point behind my bring cryptic other than to take a jab at my own situation. Since message boards do indeed interfere with the ability to "read" people it is surprising that you would make such an enormous, and erroneous, judgement about me based on my comment. I am sorry about your sister. I lost mine too,three years ago.

With kindness,

Caryn

PS: many thanks to those of you who spoke well of me. I'm just trying to do the best I can,with compassion and lack of bitterness. I hope that better explains who I am.

BettyBoo

This ad has caused much controversy in the UK, talking about cancer envy, it seems like the public opinion is that breast cancer is a "good cancer" to have. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and...

Sad but true, there seems to be little public understanding of stages and outcomes of breast cancer. This has caused a great deal of public debate. 

I almost never mention my bc dx now, as quite a few times the response has been "it's only" breast cancer....

elimar86861

I understand why and how this topic keeps coming up, and certainly there should be an element of free speech to post whatever opinion a person has but, please all, remain civil.  When the OP comes out strongly for one particular side, it invites rebuttal.  Expect it and allow it.  There are at least two perspectives on this and we can all learn something if they can be freely heard. 

exbrnxgrl

totally agree, elimar. However it does sting a bit when one is vilified for no reason. Time to open the door to 26 smiling faces!

Caryn

Tomboy

knowing exbrnxgirl from some other threads, i know that she has a really great sense of humour, and has been really good at calming peoples fears, and answering their questions, and i have never heard  or felt a shred of discrimination about "staging" anywhere i've seen her. there  are some stage four women who do a great job of that here on some specific threads who are just wonderful, in my truly humble opinion. in my own life, i have lost wonderful friends to stage four cancer of all kinds, one in particular who lived with stage four breast cancer after many years. when i was  diagnosed, she was the first one i told, after my man. and she was great. and i loved her, very much. she passed, when i was in the middle of rads, and i still think of her everyday. the main thing she gave me, would be to tell me, you've got to fight this with everything youve got. because, as time goes along, they have got more and more to help you. she told me to do it, especially when you dont want to. i wish that all of you could have experienced a friend like lois, with the kindness and compassion that she showed in the midst of her own worsening condition. if some one hasnt been understanding, maybe you could tell them in what way they have bothered you, or, just leave them alone for now. i am sorry that it happened to you.

elimar86861

My last post failed to express my opinion on the subject. O.K., here it is:

Breast
Cancer is a big umbrella that we all fall under but, in fact, the
disease characteristics are different for each histological group; the
S/Es vary widely based on surgery type and treatment type and
individual health and recuperative powers; and the challenges do vary by the Stage you are in. The mental struggle varies from individual to
individual too.  I think it becomes very hard to pidgeonhole someone or
stick a label on them based solely on Stage.  

If you wanted to take some time by drawing a
line down a page and having one column list ways in which all B/C
patients are alike and another for ways in which all B/C patients are
different, you would wind up with two extensive lists. In other words,
you can spend a lot of time comparing apples and oranges, but what have
you in the end?  A comparison, a fruit salad maybe, but no clear resolution on the degree to which we are all alike or different.

I think the OP
was commenting on the occasional attitude that accompanies the
comparison of various Stages of B/C. Well, competitiveness is a
well known human trait, is it not?  It just has better applications elsewhere, like
on a sport field or something, than it does anywhere on BCO. Competitiveness and rank ordering don't serve a positive purpose here, in my opinion. 

Anonymous

I'm sure our "elitist" stage 4 sisters would gladly trade places with us so we could get the same recognition as them. I'm typically not one to voice my opinion but this post really disturbed me. Life can be a challenge and no one can know what another person has to go through to get by in life. We all go through pain, suffering, disappointment, despair and depression. We all live with lifelong side effects from treatment of breast cancer. However, none of it compares to a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. If that were the case, we all wouldn't be so terrified of progressing to that diagnosis. No all, but most of them walked in the shoes of a lower stager. I hope none of us "lower stagers" will ever have to hear those words. I could not even imagine having to be on chemo for the rest of my life or figure out how I'm going to say goodbye to my family. There IS a difference between stage four and the other stages and I hope you never have to get that diagnosis to understand the difference. They aren't elitists. They are living everyday with the reality of KNOWING they will die from this disease. How can people not get that?

AnnBR

SlowDeep and Elimar, very well stated. I personally know ladies from each stage, and they've all been so supportive of my journey. The insensitive remarks have come from people who've never had a diagnosis of cancer. I let it roll off my back, because they really don't know what it's like. I'm sure they mean well.

Just want to clarify what I meant in my post.

Ann

PattyPeppermint

well said slow deep 

vbishop

Elimar -

Thank you for your response. 

I think you misunderstood my purpose for starting this thread in the first place.  If, in my experience, the attitude was occasional, I wouldn't have bothered to mention it.  Rather, I would have chocked it up to ignorant people.  But it isn't occasional and it happens way too often (if you had read some of my posts in this thread, you would know that).  Maybe you have never been told that your cancer is no big deal or that you can't speak about the emotions of a cancer survivor because, as a stage 1, your cancer isn't really cancer.

My pupose in starting this thread were two-fold:

1.  Find out if others with Stage 1 experience the same thing (the answer is YES)

2.  Create an understanding that, at least in here, we ALL have breast cancer, regardless of the stage.  And that it isn't okay to minimize others' experiences or to make them feel guilty because of their prognosis.  We should be here to support one another, learn from one another, cheer for each other, grieve for each other.

As someone said in an earlier post, cancer is NOT a competition, nor should it ever be perceived as such. 

I apologize if this is sounding rude, because that isn't my intent. 

 

elimar86861

vbishop,  It is not important whether or not I have come to the same conclusion that you have come to.  I think I will let my post stand, as is.  It is exactly the point I wished to make on the subject.

moni731

I'm stage 2b, do I wish I was 1? You bet! Relieved I am not stage 4? You bet!  But we all have the uncertainty of the future to contend with. Recurrance hangs over all of us lower stage people. Glad I wasn't dx'd with extensive DCIS ? Yep! I had a lumpectomy and was able to keep my breasts. Did have some chemo, along with numerous life threatening complications and could not complete it. I have been told by Dr's "Oh, you are lucky yo have triple +! "  I reply "Well maybe, but I am allergic to Herceptin and couldn't have it!"  They immediately get quiet. My point, cancer is cancer. Hopefully in the future, we'll have the key and no one will have to go through this or lose ^{their life to it!}

vbishop

Wow -

My "conclusion" is that we should all support one another.  You have a different one?

 

exbrnxgrl

for sale, cheap: one stage IV membership card. Actually, I hope there are no takers! 

* a Disclaimer; this is a tongue in cheek comment, not to be taken seriously or interpreted to have any hidden meaning. I just wanted everyone to laugh a bit today.

Anonymous

vbishop

Yeah, I am feeling a bit attacked.  I sure you felt the same way yesterday.

Time for my happy place.

Seriously, there is a song called "Happy" on Youtube; it's my happy place.

Moonflwr912

I am "just" a stage 1. I was "just" a stage 0 until my BMX.  I was told my choice of BMX was a bit much, until they found the invasive BC in my prophylacticly removed breast. On my cancer "journey" I have had way too many  "Scenic detours"! Besides biopsies (3) transfusions (2) IVs (too many to count _ NOT including my chemo and continuing to this day 9 months PFC for magnesium augmentation) hospitalizations (2) acute renal failure, Chemo, heart Ejection Fraction drop so I had to abandon Herceptin,  and bone density loss from both chemo and hormonal treatment, loss of job because i could not work after my fmla ran out, 7 operations on my left breast for reconstruction purposes (TES infected, replaced, and again!) and 2 on my right breast area, I am a  "just" stage 1. 

No cancer "journey" is ever the same and thank goodness for that! I would not want anyone of any stage to go through what I went through.  Yes, every stage has its own set of problems but each journey is our own.  I have heard I was lucky because I am stage 1. Well yes. And no. LOL

So let's try not to do that to each other. Let's try to support each other no matter the stage. I have found these boards to be blessedly free of the fighting I have seen on other boards. And also please give writers the benefit of the doubt before you take offence over something they have said. Check with them via PMs to be sure you understood the comment in the way they meant it to come across. And yes, I know if you felt put down before, that it is easy to think it has happened again, but please put yourself above the crowd and check with the poster about the intent. Sure. Maybe they DID mean to dis you! And you can cut them down the! But on these boards, that is VERY rare.  I will close my book here to say, as always, 

MUCH LOVE!

Monica

wrenn

i don't think it is fair (or reasonable) to suggest that stage 4 people are the ones showing cancer envy.  I don't  think it has anything to do with "stage 4's" but is about people who need to either compete, compare, or feel sorry for themselves.  I think you have run into those types and painted a wide brush stroke about stage 4s.  More stage 4's don't display this behaviour than do.

I have been lucky enough to not come across these types.

rozem

hmmmm interesting thread

elimar and slowdeepbreaths all very good points. 

I admit I have had cancer envy BIGTIME - I wish I wasn't her2, I wish I was stage 1 or even better I wish I had DCIS!  or why oh why couldn't i have had thyroid cancer like my 2 friends with a 98% cure rate ? 

I know there was a huge backlash on that UK ad about pancreatic ca patients saying they would rather have BC or prostate and while i agree any diagnosis of cancer is horrendous i do agree that you cant lump a pancreatic cancer diagnosis which has a 5% (or less) 5year survival rate and where there is no "catching it early" in with some of the more treatable cancers.    I think the ad said what some of us have thought and while this is not very PC its is effective in getting them recognition and hopefully more funding dollars

I remember having a conversation with a school mom about her mastectomy for widespread DCIS and she was so concerned about it spreading and her dying and here I am with my little hat, bald, pale going through chemo and I have to admit I was thinking "are you kidding me"??  but you know what her hell (those are the words she used) was her hell and my "worse" diagnosis (and yes having stg 2 her2 positive BC is worse ) really didn't make her feel any better because it was her journey, her life, her mindset. 

while I do agree we are in this boat together, unfortunately some of us do have a rougher ride than others and yes its not fair but heck life isn't fair -

exbrnxgrl i agree completely with your posts

vbishop

Wrenn -

I never meant to imply or suggest that stage 4 survivors are the ones dismissing lower stage cancers. 

 I merely said that those with a stage higher than mine, which would include stage 2 and up, have dismissed my cancer and my prognosis as being insignificant.  I quit a support group because of it.  I just wondered if others shared this experience.  And they have.  That's all.

We ALL agree that we are here to support each other. 

Can we all go to our happy places now? 

dwill

Jayatea and ladies, I agree with you completely.  Although I may be Stage 1, I think about Cancer, everyday. My life will never be the same.  I've gone through surgeries like some of you, went through a horrible time and pain with the TE for 9 months; I am suffering all kind of SEs from the Anastroule (arimidex).  I've had to go on more anti-depressive meds and increased my hypertension medicine. Lost countless time off work and income.  I had the permanent implant on my right breast and a lift on my  unaffected left breast on November 26th, 2013.  However, the implant breast is much higher than the left breast and the PS is already talking about a revision in 4 months.   This month I am having an diagnostic plus ultrasound for the left breast.  The nipple has been itching and I am scared.   My right silicone implant doesn't feel at all like a real breast and looks deformed when I sit.  It even flexes when I flex the muscle on that side.  Is that suppose to happen?  I can't flex the original left breast.   Hey and speaking of something people can say-- a co-worker who has leukemia told me I was lucky because at least I had my Cancer cut out and she couldn't.  I was so offended.  I wanted to say to her that I lost a whole breast--but, I just let it go.

wrenn

I just meant that there are insensitive (ignorant) people everywhere in and out of the cancer world. 

off to happy place. 

dwill

OKAY --READY TO GO TO THE HAPPY PLACE!!

PattyPeppermint

one thing we can all agree on at least we r still alive to give our opinions, right ? 

Happy place for me today would be on a beach , temp around 85, sunny, got my super skimpy bikini on ( yes scars and all ) , a great book in one hand and a daquiri in the other hand. Watching my children playing in the sand and water and my husband laying beside me.  Oh happy indeed. Come on summer I miss u. 

Where is everyone else's happy place? 

vbishop

Sorry Wrenn - misunderstood.  There is a lot of that going around!

vbishop

Patty -

Here is my happy place today:

http://youtu.be/y6Sxv-sUYtM

 If that don't put a smile on your face and a dance in your step, nothin' will!

 

lekker

PattyPeppermint - can my family and I join you on the beach?  One of my favorite sounds in the whole world is children's laughter mixed with gently crashing waves.  I'll skip the daquiri but take an ice cold Sonoma rose instead.

PattyPeppermint

yes def come on. The more the merrier 

Sam2U

I think some people just lack the gene that gives them empathy, it's been replaced with the gene that causes stupid/narcissistic tendencies.  My happy place is the place where that genetic flaw is not passed down by the maternal genes-'cause my own mother has told me that her cancer/treatment was "worse" than mine.  

So I prefer to think that while I may have cancer, there is treatment for that, there is no treatment for "stupid."

Unfolding my chair on the beach too...'cause I'm happy.....