In shock

Hi gorgeous girls,  sorry not to be posting but lower than a snakes bits right now.  Do check on here most days when DH not around. But posting no always possible.
Like we were told the tiredness from rads is a killer  try to keep going then fall in a heap lol.
If I try to nap DH makes as much noise as is possible then moans if I fall asleep in the evening.
Roasting hot here ! 90 deg tomorrow, GD's at birthday party tomorrow so that will be stressful.

Websister, crossing everything for results of MRI Monday. Hope you have a lovely time at the wedding.

Traii, you are amazing, those drains will soon be out and new girls taken for an airing, since rads I have one DD boob and the other one is about a C it has shrunk so much lop sided Lil that's me. Just enjoy the pampering you will miss it when you are back to normal.

Alive, good advice from the girls, lots of fluid and rest. Think the attacks of Johny Cash were better than constipation from what I have heard.

Caitlin, you too will soon be at the end of this journey. Well done.

Morwenna, Port out, great. Another step on the path. Hair will be back before you know it. Mine is really wavey and about two inches long. Wig gazes at me from its stand but I have it there for cooler days.

Dakota, hair do sounds great.Tatoos next ?

Maria, gosh you are going through it ! Hope DH well enough to get to the hills and DD improves very soon.

Liefie, no volunteering for a fortnight  DH just turns really evil if I mention it. Causes so many rows as he doesn't like me doing it. Trying to do some next week when he is back at work. Glad youngsters got back safely.

Benny, your pics are fabulous !! Love the pink mounting block, you clever girl. How did lesson on Diamond go ?
Chicken will be fun and no one will notice just one, disguise it as a large pigeon.

Movie, teeth problems are horrid hope you get sorted very soon.

Nihahi, flood damage is dreadful !! Hope you find less damaged paths soon.

Struggling with the new information re my BC and it has plunged me into a bit of a pit, wish I had trotted along not knowing. My nurse trying to get me more information sent out and says that they wouldn't have treated me if there wasn't a chance of recovery, she is wonderful and always there if I need her, must think I am a silly old woman  Went on forum for Triple Neg on here and to be honest  made me feel worse so back on here to cheer me up.

Will  keep trying to be positive, love you ALL xx

Edi, we were writing at the same time. Sorry to hear you feel a bit down. Just remember you're not a statistic, and you've done all that you could to beat this. We all have that little voice of doubt, but I'm thinking I have to die of something in the future anyway. Won't live forever, right? If for me it is bc that will cost me my life eventually, then so be it. For me that will be better than drowning, or burning, or a car crash. But for now I am healthy, alive, and kicking. So WILL enjoy everything to the fullest this given day, because we just never know what is around the corner. If you can read and post here, you are a SURVIVOR, and don't you forget that! Keep up the volunteering when you can - it is good for you. BIG HUGS, my friend!

My Bellies.......back from Endodontist visit.....STILL no solution (read : NO ROOT CANAL - or should I say no RE-root canal as of yet)........on antibiotics and megadoses of Ibuprophen for the swelling,along with a percoset for straight-up pain......I am falling asleep as I type this.....Nihahi, if you read this, I will be fairly sedentary for a few more days...you most likely can catch me on your bike!



Aw.....Edi......when your sad, I'M sad........sending you a big Yank (((hug)))......but I totally get where you are coming from......



Websister....hope all goes well Monday at Onc ...... Fingers crossed (and toes , and legs, AND arms)



Liefie...that video is spot on on how cats view the people they own.....



Traii-good on you for letting DM spoil you! You are doing really well!



Benny.....can't get over Charlotte the chicken......makes me smile....



Ok.....pain meds are making me type random letters...time to get off and take a nap....



Love to ALL..... XOXO



Namaste and God Bless - Jackie

Dear Edi.......I don't share your dx, so I can't speak from that experience, but, as the saying goes, life has certainly taught me that you are NOT defined by things that happen to you but how you react to those things and live your life. I KNOW you have the courage and the love of life to get yourself back on track. You used to share with us all the great times you had with your GD's, and how much you love them, maybe focus on that for awhile, to help restart your "outlook" on things??? I understand you have many sad, dark times right now, and it's hard to see through it, but you will get there. Your goal is not to get through it, your goal is to get back your "joy" of life.

I cannot understand and MOST CERTAINLY do NOT accept your hubby's attitude, though. You really, really need to get that sorted. We ALL have our "moments" with hubbys and family and friends. But this sounds like a "new normal" for him, and has been going on for far too long. From your previous posts, it's clear you love each other, but, that also should include respecting each others needs too. (imho). It may be, that he's behaving like this (not letting you nap, not wanting you to volunteer) as his way of distancing you from the past months of dx and tx, and in his mind, he's helping you to "move on" and get back to normal. Has he actually told you why he is acting this way????? Could be a million other reasons too. AND...I do realize that advice is easy, living it is the hard part.

It is such an understandably hard thing for other people to "get", that none of us comes out of this experience as the same person. It touches too deep, it changes too much, it challenges too much........but it also uncovers the "essence" of what's really important to us, and I believe we become stronger, more focussed, and more grateful......but it all takes time. You are still in the infant stage of recovery sweetie, and we are ALWAYS here for you. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs......deep breath.....move forward, sideways or stand still, whatever gets you through the day.

Traii.....any word on when you lose those drains??? I wouldn't expect to hear anything less than mom spoiling you rotten....your whole family sounds like loving, caring, sharing people....a bit crazy, too.....but that's the fun of it!

Movie....omg....that tooth.....sooooo glad this didn't hit you in Japan!!! Hope it gets sorted soon. When is your trip to Utah for daughters surgery????

Backcountry report from yesterday....not so good. Amazing the work that has been done to get some of the roads open....the destruction....beyond words. Understandably, the communication is somewhat poor between what is open and what isn't, and I think conditions are still "in flux" even now. For those of you who are familiar with Kananaskis Country....areas like Ribbon Creek, access to Galatea, etc., GONE. Bike path, gone in places along the Evan-Thomas area. HUGE washouts along any of the creeks along the highway. Grizzly Creek, near the winter gate....is completely changed...from a narrow canyon to now a broad, washout. The meadow behind the PLPP Visitor centre is now a lake, as far as you can see in the distance, and comes right up to the building....and is still rising. We tried hiking a few trails, got turned back on everyone because of high water, water running over the trail or trail closure due to washout. Upper and Lower Kananaskis lake trails, Elk Pass trail, Boulton (bridge is almost washed out...really no longer safe), Pocaterra, the list just goes on. Smith Dorrien highway is now open, but the damage at Chester Lake is impossible to describe. The entire parking lot is washed out and now filled with rock, same at Sawmill....the hut is window deep in rock!...just unimaginable. One of the gang brought cookies with her and gave them to the wardens at Barrier Lake....gosh, they all look so stressed and exhausted. 

Anyway......

Mowrenna...might not hurt to contact the massage therapist....at one point she offered to come to my house if needed. I think Websister has used the BC support centre alot, and found it helpful.

Maria....hope your family settles down...gosh, what a crazy thing, having them both in hospital at the same time!!!!!

Alive...thinking of you...drink, drink, rest. You'll get through this!

Benny....how's the menagerie??? Hope your lympha appt goes well. If they give you exercises.....please promise to follow through this time...there is a farm in your future and you need your arms to manage!!!!!!!!

Websister....thinking ONLY good thoughts for the MRI. If anything IS there, I hope it reveals a fixable reason for the back pain. That has been going on far too long!!!!

Caitlin...still eating those fresh veggies??? Hope things are coming along for you. 

Jennie....what's up????

Liefie...hmmm.....wonder what colour those toes are now??? Bet your tootsies look lovely....too lovely for anymore splats into the daisies! So sorry physio is not fun on the arm, but hope the results are worth it. 

Gosh....I've written a novel!!! Time to get busy...Love you all.

Hi everyone, still warm here we are all in shock!! Went to the birthday party yesterday with GD's for three hours it was fantastic. Little ones played on bouncy castle and a Barbie Mat I had in the my Nana cupboard, you attach it to a garden hose and nine fountains of water erupt out of it. Cooled them down really well. Birthday girls Daddy manned the BBQ, and lovely buffet prepared by her Mummy was demolished by hungry hoards.
Sat with my BC buddy and daughters and time sped by too fast  GD stayed over and we are watching Peppa Pig and drinking tea.

To ALL my dear sisters, your kind words mean so much. Sorry to off load my misery on you but have never felt so lonely in my life.
OK treatment over, but my life has changed and I am NOT the same person trying to adjust is really hard. DX was a shock but hey ho will just fight on and pray my fears are unfounded.

Don't know what DH's problem is, but right now don't care. Feel like hitting him with the breast cancer husband book never mind getting him to read it. lol.
Tried talking but he leaves the room or gazes at the TV and ignores me. Sxxt is going to hit the fan very soon if things don't improve might have to write it all down and post it to him.

My little car needs MOT and road tax doing this week so something to focus on.

BBQ with our oldest and dearest friends next weekend in Liverpool. Shedman is hoping to make it, he is on steroids and eating bit more. His poor wife is demented as he is sooo stubborn and won't do as he is told. Waits until discomfort really bad before taking meds which solve the problem. Insists on driving the car when he is weak and frail because " it needs to be driven properly ". Hopefully I will be taking them to BBQ to save the rows.

Hope you all have a glorious Sunday. xxxx

what the heck is MOT? Gawd....shedman and hubby sound like twins in the attitude department! Are all British men like that?? The ones I know here sure are!

My husband and I have a great marriage except for the fact that we both try to avoid conflict and don't know how to argue fairly and from our authentic feelings.



We were arguing in the car the other day on the way home from a doc appt. and suddenly the words came out (I didn't know I was even thinking this): I don't want to move to North Carolina next year unless our marriage is on a sounder footing than this." As soon as I said it I knew I meant it and he did too. (We're due to retire to NC next summer). I don't want to leave my support systems while we rely on one another to find new ones! BC has made both the best and the worst come out of us!



We start seeing a marriage counselor today. Here's hoping!



Peggy

Must be the day. Got a text message from a college girlfriend telling me she was at the same concert as my husband and his girlfriend. He told me he was moving home next week. Changing the locks again for good this time. Having surgery on Friday and DS has a baseball tournament this weekend. How am I supposed to do that !!!

Well,



I am feeling so much bett3r!



I have an appt to get my port out on Thursday, and am slightly apprehensive about that, but the fact that it is coming out, and doesn't have to be left in "just in case", really lifts a load from me that I wasn't even aware of.



I find myself singing in the car again, the old me! I had a watercolour class at Wellspring yesterday, then walked for about an hour and a half, including a trail with loads of STEPS! You should have seen me hauling myself up on the rails, while the bright young things were running, RUNNING!, up them past me! Some of the steps were about 18", I swear! I was pulling on the rail with one hand, and pushing down on my knee with the other, and puffing like a steam train ... But I did it!



Coming down was almost as hard. My legs are bloody weak! Never mind. We all have to start somewhere!!



Scouser (Edi): Don't be too blown away by the TN thing. You already knew you were hormone receptor negative, and being HER_2 negative is a GOOD thing! It's true the chances of recurrence is higher in the first couple of years, but I am hanging onto the fact that if it hasn't come back by 5 years, then it is REALLY UNLIKELY to do so.



Thus, we have an end point, (which is more than some people can say), and if I'm still healthy in 5 years' time, I shall consider myself "cured" and move on. That's my plan anyway!! (Especially if I am able to get my chest refurbished!)



Meanwhile I am thankful not to have to take herceptin, or the hormone therapies for years.



The most positive thing we can do is weight control and exercise. A breast cancer specialist doctor told me this week, that 30 minutes brisk walk on a daily basis can lower the risk of recurrence by 50%!!! That's HUGE!!! ...... AND it is also EASY!!!!!



So don't worry Edi. I'm thinking you are going to be just fine!





On a separate note: my arm has gone down a lot, but the lymphedema specialist is ordering me a sleeve and glove. She reckons I won't have to wear them fulltime, but if I am exercising, hiking, flying etc, I will be able to control the swelling, (hopefully)



Hope you're all having a great weekend!



{{{Hugs}}}



Rose

Morning sisters!

You girls should know that you can come here with anything and everything, and feel safe to share. Just putting your frustrations in writing(typing?) already brings some relief and perspective. We may not be marriage councillors, but most of us here have had husbands for some time, and experience really counts for something  - I firmy believe that. Bc does upset the apple cart big time, people are forced to face their worst fears, and re-examine their lives. The fall-out can be bad, and worms that have been dormant for years tend to come out of the woodwork to further complicate an already difficult situation. In my book the wellbeing of the bc patient comes FIRST, and husbands simply have to understand that it takes TIME for us to get back to calmer waters once our boats have been rocked like this by this life-changing bc storm. Some of them may unfortunately never get it.

Edi, 80% of people with bc never get a recurrence. Also be careful when you drive somewhere in your car, because your chances of dying in a car crash or another illness for that matter is way higher than dying of bc. Hope that helps! You are in my thoughts, and like Nihahi said, maybe something drastic needs to happen to make DH see the light. Writing him a letter sounds like a good idea! Seems things can't really get worse than they are, so let the chips fall where they may! You have to take care of YOU now, and you are so worth it. You can come here without apologizing about anything. We all love you so much!

Dakota, that cockroach is really showing his cockroach qualities once again - wow! What a prince. Do you have family close by who can take care of your kids this weekend? Will you be in hospital, or is it a day surgery?

Traii, you are wise for your age, and it seems your recovery is going well too. Yes, marriage is like an ocean with waves, Sometimes we are on the crest of the wave, sometimes we are down under. It's the nature of the beast - lol!

Last night DD and SIL skyped with us. It was SIL's birthday, and we wanted to congratulate him face to face. After the initial greetings SIL pulled out one of his gifts from DD, and held it up for us to see. It was a T-shirt, and on the front it said, 'Daddy's my Hero'. It took us a few seconds to process this . . . and OH MY GOODNESS! Yes, we are going to be grandparents!!!!!!!! Yayy!!! They are over the moon, and so are we! Such wonderful news, because they really want a family. It will be the first grandchild on both sides. Still very early days, and we are not sharing this with anybody else yet, but I have to tell someone, and who better than you guys? To think that I spent the night next to a grandpa last night - LOL!

Dakota...moving home??? MOVING HOME????? You cannot keep putting yourself through that s*&#!!!!! It IS hard to let go of a dream....but you are actually living a nightmare!!!! No one is perfect, but surely, he has repeatedly shown you and the kids his true personality. Gosh, I wish there was some way to help you through this other than "advice". I agree with Traii.....I know you'd love to do the baseball thing...but it's a team sport.....surely there is another parent who could help with your son for one weekend....What do we have to do to help you put yourself at the front of the "help needed line" sometimes?????

Traii.....your "winter" should soon be sliding into your "spring" shouldn't it. Hope with the warmer weather, comes the great unveiling.....new hairdo highlights and all.....perky new boobs....can't wait to hear about your retail therapy. Honestly....sometimes I wish my hubby and I would "exchange words" like cats and dogs....I think it's better to get things out....he just stays silent. I'm no role model, but like you say.....I'm still here, walking, hiking, biking, skiing, shoeing, yoga-ing, eating, drinking and laughing.....life has no guarantees, but there's no point in giving up "in case things don't work out". Somewhere I read a great bc quote...: "Living your life in constant fear of "what if", is just a different way of dying before your time".   

Morwenna....gosh...you sound GREAT! I agree with your Onc re: exercise....good for everything that ails us. Even doing what Movie does now.....walking for as many errands....parking the car in the back 40....it all works! 5 years....you can do this!!! For many ladies, it seems like no matter what the dx....5 years seems to be the magic goal...why not make them the best 5 years you've ever lived, and see where you are when you get there! Congrats on getting the port out, and the lympha progress. Sounds like you're making the best of life PFC!!!!

Movie....hope that tooth is feeling a bit better???? I'm catching up to you, better make tracks girl!

Peggysull...hi there....sounds like you're doing well....counselling can be a real gift! Hope it sorts things out for you and hubby. 

Catch you later ladies!!!! Hugs to all

Edi - so good to hear from you, no apologies and the others have already said everything else



Traii - I am going to need to google Peppa the Pig, seems like both you and Edi are watching it. Glad you were able to find your pulse



Dakota - sad to hear re: cockroach. Always at the most stressful times he seems to show his stripes. Wishing you the best with your surgery next week and make sure you arrange for someone else to take DS to his tournament



Nihahi - love you
<br />

Morwenna - congratulations on your port removal on Thursday, I will be in your pockets. I neglected to respond to your post re: BCSCF - they have been very helpful, especially with making a return to work plan with me. Wondering if your hike was on the Douglas Fir Trail at Edworthy?



Peggysull - wishing you the best with the marriage counsellor and your move



Liefie - !!!!!!! So happy for you and 'grandpa'! How wonderful to be looking forward to this new grandchild. I will be hoping with you that all goes well during this early stage. I am smiling very big for you

Websister!



Yes it was the Douglas Fir Trail. I walked there from Wellspring (Home Road) and was quite proud of myself! Unfortunately part of the trail is still closed so I did get up to the viewpoint place, but you can't go much further. I was disappointed as I had planned to go down the steps and back along the cycle path. I have this psychological barrier to retracing my steps on a walk ..... it always feels like giving up in some way. I usually have to tell myself that it is not "going back", but seeing things from a different viewpoint!! ;D


God news: I only got ONE mosquito bite on my walk!
Bad news: It was on my "lymphedema"arm! Why???

Dr Taylor at bcscf has told me I shouldn't consider going back to work until the new year. WTF?!!. Anyway, at least I won't worry about it until after my singing trip to Hawaii early November!

Dakota - what Nihahi said.  I don't like to make any assumptions re: what's going on in somebody else's relationship and I know it must be very hard with the kids involved, but if he has a girlfriend SURELY he's not moving back home, is he?  All the best with your next round of surgery and agree with the others that it might be too much to fit in baseball on that day.

Traii, so glad to hear you're doing well post-surgery and letting your Mum look after you.  Hope the drains will be out soon!

Morwenna, re: the port, I had mine out just over 3 weeks ago and I didn't feel a thing, not even a pinch or a twinge - no pain whatsoever.  It was more of a relief than I expected to be free of it and hopefully I won't ever need another one (mine stopped working for blood draws after Round 5 of chemo).

Liefie, congratulations on your news - very exciting!!  Our grandson (well, actually, I'll be a step-grandparent) is due in less than 2 weeks now.  Should be all clear to travel after Friday (last radiation treatment!!) so if all goes well DH and I will fly down to visit soon after the baby arrives (although there will be 3 other sets of grandparents wanting to see him too - a sign of the times!).

Edi, so sorry that you're feeling down.  I understand that your dx must have come as a blow.  That seems to be the way of cancer - you just wrap your head around one version of the new reality when another curveball is thrown your way.  You seemed to be looking forward to the volunteering so much and I'm sure you'd find it so rewarding - it makes no sense for your DH to kick up a fuss about you going.  I wonder if there isn't something going on with him that he can't express. 

My DH seems to oscillate between being protective of me, including telling me I shouldn't be doing anything that might tire me, and seemingly being surprised that I don't always feel like cooking or cleaning, for example (well, let's face it - I rarely feel like cleaning, even in the best of times).  Let me tell you, we've had some MAJOR screaming rows during the latter part of my treatment.  He has been an absolute prince at times and a royal pain at others.  As I may have told you, things were so bad when my sisters were here in May that they sent Mum down as a mediator/buffer after they returned to Canada.  Anyway, we've been doing better for the past month or so, but still manage to have the occasional shouting match.  Think I am so focused on my treatment and just getting through it while working that I sometimes forget how stressful this is for him too.  In addition to my illness, he's had to deal with his mother being diagnosed in April (she had her nephrectomy 2 weeks ago and is recovering in a rehab facility, seems to be doing well), and his lawsuit against his employer coming to a head (mediation hearing tomorrow, trial in October if they don't settle).  I just don't think men know how to cope with that stress very well and that they may tend to take it out on us as a result.  We should probably see a marriage counselor like Peggy, but so far I haven't arranged it (finally got him to agree to it).  BTW, he never says anything about it, but I know he reads the Breast Cancer Husband book you (Edi) recommended from time to time.

Well, speaking of cleaning, must try to do some.  My brother will be in town on business this week and is staying with me for a few days.  And yes, Nihahi, I'm still eating fresh veggies so will have to decide what combination of them to cook tonight.

Liefie....hope you're feeling better today???? Can't wait to hear about your retail therapy.....stay away from the baby stores!!!! (ok, just ONE cuddly thing and maybe ONE cute little sleeper....oh, and maybe ONE little toy.......and so it begins ).

Going for another massage this morning....YES!!!!! Gotta go.