For Daughters Who are Losing Their Mother to Breast Cancer

Hi Laura, I posted this on another thread but what you wrote rang so true with me. My mom was also a single mom, raising my brother and I with not much support from our Dad. He has been wonderful since my mom was sick and since she lost her battle to breast cancer two years ago, but nothing could ever compare to my mom and the role she played in my life. My mom also had stage IV breast cancer and fought hard, but the treatments just didn't work. Here is what I posted on a different thread, I hope it helps you. It has helped me greatly to read other people's stories like yours just to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. 

 Hi there, it looks like no one has posted to this thread for a while but I wanted to send my love and prayers to all of you. I'm 24 and I lost my mom to breast cancer 2 years ago, she was 53. It's been rough without her, she was my best friend. I'm lucky to have a supportive Dad and brother, but they have everything in common and are best friends, so it's hard feeling like I've lost mine. She was the most wonderful person I've ever known. It has gotten easier over these past 2 years, I no longer cry every day, but on days like these it is as if no time has passed and I am overwhelmed by the void I feel with her gone. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have days like these no matter how much time passes. No one can ever replace the love of a mother, especially a mother like mine. I saw someone else post this, and it is something that I have clung to in times of doubt: I feel as if my mom was taken from me way too soon, but I also know that some people live their whole lives not knowing the kind of love, support, security, and friendship that my mom gave me. So instead of being angry about the lost time, I will forever cherish the time I was given. Only the good die young, leaving the rest of us with legacies to fulfill and lessons learned of how to live life well. I will keep you all in my prayers and hope that you may find some peace in these thoughts that have helped me.  

oh and p.s.  One thing I did for my Mum which really helped her when the paranoia would hit her, both at home and in hospital/hospice, is that I put pictures of our family up for her, around her bed where she could see them without raising her head off her pillow.  It gave her HUGE comfort to be able to see the faces of her kids, parents, friends and pets.  I also left a notebook at her bedside so that when she was sleeping when I left I could leave her a note.  She could also write down her feelings for awhile too but soon lost that ability.  Quite a few mornings when I went back in, she would have scribbled through the notes we had left her so I think that was her way of writing back to us, maybe.  I've just found her notebook again this morning and am going through it.  It's quite therapeutic to read it all again and also very fascinating the way her brain was and wasn't working.  Hope this helps you some.

Margi

Hello all,

 My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV breat cancer (TN) in June of '11.  We have been through 3 different chemotherapy drugs and have no had any luck. This fourth one (Havalan) is our best hope at chemo drugs working, so the doctor's said.  With this news yesterday I had to walk out of the room.

Her husband and herself have moved in with me at this point.  The reason I am writing tonight is because I am losing hope.  Everyone keeps saying just pray, keep the hope alive but I am losing it.  I'm angry and I have been lashing out at my boyfriend.  I think I may need to find some help but I'm not sure where to turn to.  Has anyone else needed to find another route of help?  I'm thinking maybe a psychiatrist, but am having trouble finding someone who specializes in cancer caregiver coping.

 I guess what I'm really looking for tonight is some words of encouragement.  You all seem so strong and I feel as if I'm on the verge of losing it!

Awesome post, Laura.  your words:  It's been on of the most precious, wonderful and brutal times of my life - I could not have said it better myself.

 Michelle, I totally get where you're coming from too.  I am now three months past my parents' deaths and am finally starting to feel semi-normal again.  This past weekend, i built an online tribute to them and even though that sounds stupid, it helped me like nothing else has to date - to be able to do this for them.  I think we all cope with grief differently and, trust me, i started grieving for my mum the minute we got this last diagnosis in January.  These boards can be a huge help to caregivers, as can hospice nurses.  You do get through it but it does totally suck.

 Hugs to you both, Laura and Michelle.

Dear Laura,

I am so sorry to hear about loosing your precious mom. It must be very hard on you. I live in Istanbul, Turkey. I am the only child also. My mother has stage IV breast cancer diagnosed 2 months ago. Bone mets, lungs, lymph nodes and where else we don't know yet. She refuses to get Pet CT done. All her ribs are broken already. She moved in with us 2 months ago. She can not walk anymore and it is so hard to see her melting in front of my eyes. There is no hospice or organization which I can call to get help. All alone in the society. I hope, I will be able to stay strong when times come for me also. My heart is with you and I deeply share your sadness. Love xox 

Margi, I am sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences for your dear mom.! 

Thank you for sharing the information on pain reliever. I took note on that. She is not on any kind of pain reliever yet. I think these days are not far though.. I am scared that I will not know what to do when it comes. I am jumping from my bed every time she moves her arm or coughs. I am sleeping in the same room with her now. I am listening her breathing and crying silently under my cover. I just don't want to lose her..

Lots of love xox

Soley 

Hi. I'm so glad to have found this post. I am also the only daughter of a single mother and we have been living together since always. I don't want to be anywhere far from her and having to work everyday while she's in the hospital is killing me.

 My mother was diagnosed with Stage I BC last Jan 2010, mastectomy with no mets last Jan 2011 and did NOT go through chemo even after so many angry arguments and confrontations that I've had with her. Last Dec. 2011, she was suffering from severe periodontitis that spread to her sinuses and is still present til today.

 Yesterday she had a bone scan and my worst fears were realized when we saw bone mets everywhere. The spots are a bit small I guess but they're in her feet, knees, elbow, spine, ribs, and head. It's very scary and I'm at a loss right now. I'm feeling very, very scared and I don't want to lose my otherwise healthy mother who is so full of life and my biggest inspiration at such a young age. She just turned 54 last Feb. 2 and I'm turning 25 next month. I am not ready for this and I know that she isn't too. 

ssanie -- I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I sit here tonight, my mom lying the hospital bed that hospice provided for us at my home.  My mom was diagnosed in June '11 with Stage 4 cancer right out of the gate.  We had a positive attitude, but she has rapidly declined over the past month and a half. 

 Do not have regrets, just try to make the most of the time you have with her now.  Talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.  Don't take any moment for granted.

 With that said, do not be afraid of the moodiness.  Everyone has that, especially with being the primary caregiver to your mom.  Everyone needs a outlet.  The thing that has helped me the most is seeing a counselor once a week.  It's an unbiased opinon and someone to vent to.

One of the things that has been my saving grace has been hospice.  I'm not sure if they offer that in Iran, but it has helped my family so much.  They help bring in any sort of medical equipment to make her more comfortable, and really walk you through the steps.  While it may not be time for it yet, talk to her doctor about your concerns.  Even if you need to talk to the doctor one on one, do so.  I had to ask a lot of tough questions, but once you know exactly what you are dealing with, things have a way of falling into place.

 You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I have been where you are, especially with the helplessness.  Ask for help, don't try to take it all on your own.  I think you may want to tell your sisters that you need help, and hopefully they will be willing to make some adjustments to help you.  

This is an old thread but i want to talk my heart out. I am heart broken today witha huge spike gone through my heart. My mom's doctors told us to come visit her before she slips into coma. She is confused and weak and my poor mom may be dying. Oh how will i get through this pain. Everything i touch ansd see reminds me of her. It will be impossible to carry on. I should be thinking of my dad but no my thoughts keep wandering around to my mom what she must be feeling as she gets closer and closer to death and then my sister who is older but like my little sister and then me and then my heart and throat hurt so bad that i feel like my breaths will leave me. I am flyiing tonight to see her (US to India).  I dont know what to say to her, how to say to her, i dont want to scare her that she is dying. I have always given her strength and now i cant ccry in front of her.  do i want to take pictures of her and me but not like this. I dont want to remember her like this.we never talked about her death because it was too painful, none of us, neither did we let her talk so i dont know what she wants, how she wants to die and where. she stopped talking to us months ago because of the irritating cough. I hate that motherfucking cough.oh mama,  i love you so much, please dont go.

how do people go through this, this is so painful

sarika --

I know your pain all too well.  I lost my mom to cancer on 2/28 of this year. She died exactly 9 months from the date of her diagnosis. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through, and am still dealing with the aftermath.  Losing my mom has taught me that you really cannot blink, or you will miss it all.

All the things you are feeling are warranted.  I had moved my mother into my home when she started treatment.  To see her everyday and watch her steady decline hurt me to my core. There are still days that I cannot get out of bed because I have a memory of her, while she was sick.  What I can tell you is those memories start to go away.  I still refuse to look at pictures of my mother when she was sick, and choose only to look at photographs of happier times. I have been told by many people that the good memories will surface eventually... I pray for those memories to flood sometime soon.

Be with your mom and tell her every chance you get that you love her.  The day my mom passed away in my home, she came to for a little bit. She said she was hungry, but didn't eat. I crouched down in front of her and told her that I loved her, and she said she loved me to.  Then she said the wanted "to go home".  I knew what was coming next.  She laid back down and the hospice nurse came in and said it wouldn't be long.  I, myself, could not be there when she passed.  I stayed at a friends home, but she was surrounded by so many people that loved her, and I knew she would understand that I just couldn't see her take her last breath.  Cherish every moment you have with your mom... They say the last sense to go is hearing, so I'm sure just your voice will bring her comfort.  We played a movie that my mom adored in the background, just so she would be comfortable.

 There is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel any better.  It will take a very long time to recover.  The pain becomes a bit more managable, or so I'm told.  I have days when I can't get out of bed, when the pain is so excrutiating that it takes everything in me not to just scream and be angry.  It will take your breath away... It will catch you off guard.  You just have to remember that you are all that you are, because of everyday you were blessed to be in her prescence... You will have to be a testament of her strength and persevere through this traumatic time.  

"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on." 

If I were to cry in front of my mom because she were dying, she would most certainly understand it as an expression of how much I love her. I cried in front of my father. He understood it as love and respect. I cried in front of my fiancee. She also understood.





Eric