For Daughters Who are Losing Their Mother to Breast Cancer

sarika_for_mama

Laura, thanks for responding, i didnt think you would come back to the board since your last login was long ago. My mom is exactly going through what your mom went through. mental confusion and labored breathing because of liver toxicity. Am I mad for still hoping for a miracle when my dad says today she spoke a little, today she ate a little and my hopes come back up. Are we just exending our misery? is she really dying?

I am sitting at work. leaving at 9PM. I will come back as soon as i get online to report. Feel like you guys can help me and my sister through this. She is emotionally dependant on my mom, shares everything with her, i have tried to be her confidant but she always went to mom. My mom is an amazing listner and she relates to your problems instantly and will advise perfectly. Who will do that for us. I am 36, much older than some of you but i feel like lying down in her lap. (

ldlevy

Hi Sarika,

Yes, it does sound like our moms were on a very similar journey. One of the best things we did is my mom had a procedure that put a drain in her to drain the fluid. There will come a time when it needs to be drained every day. 

You will have glimmers of hope but I would just look at them as "good moments" and not seek meaning beyond that. Every person has different experiences and takes their own road. My mom went from being very lucid one moment to kind of snapping into an alternate reality. It happened in front of me during a conversation we were having. She never returned after that. It was the liver toxicity taking over. One minute we were discussing what she wanted for dinner (usually just a few spoonfuls of something) and the next she was halicinating about a fond memory. Her other reality was very happy and there were even some funny moments due to things she said. I can honestly say she was in a better place during that time. When she lapsed into the coma a few days later she was very peaceful. We moved her bed into a living room area and surrounded the bed with couches. We played music, sang to her and had family visit. We even watched my wedding video (she loved that.) We just surrounded her as if she was there to participate. In some ways I think she was there. My mom was also a self-made very strong woman who would want me to move on and enjoy life. I've done my best to do just that. And when the time comes... you will too.

You and your sister will probably grow closer through this and will come to depend on each other more than you have in the past. Just so you know... I'm nearly 44 and could easily want to be comforted by my mom too. Age doesn't matter... we all need our mom.

xo Laura 

sarika_for_mama

I just want to lay next to her and talk to her. Forever..........................................

sarika_for_mama

Hi Laura and others

 I reached today and was SHOCKED to see my mom. She has edema all over her body and is breathing with so much difficulty and has a noise associsted with it. She shed a tear when she saw me and raised her hand to hold mine. Her oxygen levels were jumping and her pulse rate so high. I called the doctor immediately and he checked her and said as properly as he could that she is terminal and is deteriorating. My dad as sweet and strong as he is denies it, he thinks she will come around and then we had to make a hard decision. I said papa lets take her back home. In her room, on her pillow not like this. She would have wanted that. I said the doctors arent doing anything now we are her doctors for her comfort. (there is no hospice system in India). She has a food pipe in her and we will be feeding her at home. we rented a bed an air mattress and O2 machine and a suction machine and now she is coming back home. I still cannot believe this is happening. Seems like i will wake up from this bad dream. my mother who was walking talking last week doesnt have enough energy to take her tongue out of her throat. Oh God, i want to give her my breaths. But I am staying strong for my dad. he needs to cry he hasnt cried because he refuses to believe she is leaving us. this has to be the worst pain in the world and i have given birth twice, this is by far the worst. 

ldlevy

Hi Sarika, My heart is breaking for you. I was trying to think of what I could say that would help.... but I remember how this feels and nothing said helps. It sounds like you are being strong and making good decisions for your mom. It's strange how the world works. How the children grow up to become like parents to our parents.  It sounds like your Dad is in shock but the reality will set in. Your mom is lucky to have you. She knows you love her and will do what is necessary to make her comfortable. You will give her and your dad the peace they need. Looking back, I realize that although this time is gutwrenchingly painful - it is also precious and I know my own mom was peaceful and happy to be surrounded by those who loved her. Since there is no Hospice system, did the doctors give you pain medicine to administer? Is morphine available? We are here for you, Sarika.

sarika_for_mama

hi everyone,

short update is that mom is in some trans state. she is not waking up but has body movements mainy feet. She doesnt change positions herself and cannot move limbs. we brought her home but realized that without a hospice team it is impossible to make her comfortable. Her ascites did build again and edema is building too in legs. We gave diuretics through feed but it didnt do anything. She didnt urinate so we got a blood test done and Urea was high. after begging many doctors to help with IV diuretics to help with urine or ascites tap, we decided to shift her back to the hospital. no one agreed to come for home visits. We cant watch her deteriorate like this in front of our eyes without helping her. She also had a seizure because of brain mets. I think the keppra wegave didnt digest in time so i understand that any medicine now has to be through IV. She developed fever and has some infection dont know which antobiotics to deliver etc. A doctor did come and mentioned a plan to help her urintate and pass stool so we moved her back to the hospital. It still is hard to beleive we will lose her. every stage becomes a new normal and we want her to stay like that forever so at least she is still with us. Specially my dad who loves her to death literally and is caring for her like his baby for the past 8 years since we first found out she had cancer. He quit his job and literally became her doctor, constantly researching and helping with complementary medicines and chemo. 

although i realize from this board that my mom is dying, my dad who does not want to beleive this continues to fight for her. I have tried to reason with him and feel like a really bad daughter explaining to him she is not going to improve but he convinces himself she will come back, talk again and will be ableto go to the bathroom herself. he doesnt remember that a few weeks ago he was literally carrying her from one place to the other, and before that she slept 18 hours a day. So if he couldnt improve her then, how will she come out of this now? when her kidneys are shutting down. He keeps saying her kidneys have always been good, they will come around when she urinates. now i have decided to shut my brain and just go through the motions. There is nothing i can do to help her or him but i can support him with whatever he wants to do with his wife. They have been best friends and they have a bond which is stronger than mine , so who am I to make decisions for her. and my decisons suck because i am letting her die and he is fighting and helping her so his way is better. 

I havent slept in three days, i cannot imagine how he was managing this on his own. I am glad i am here so he eats  and drinks otherwise he would go the whole day next to her. now he knows i am there so he rests, but as hard as it is to watch my mom, it is harder to watch him. my sister is coming tonight. She is another positive thinker just like him. She thinks mom will bounce back to talk to her from these IV meds help that doc is giving for urination and anema etc. Lets hope she does just for a while because my sister hasnt seen my mom since december and she will have a hard time to not have mom acknowledge her at all. She is bringing her baby also.  

so here is the update. When i saw my mom upon arival i was devastated, when she didnt wake up after many attempts day before yesterday, i felt my heart was sinking and i am telling myself there is nothing i can do but am so frusterated when a new symptom comes and the heart pounding starts. This is excruciating misery. 

patty9999

sarika for mama

I can so feel your pain.  I just lost my mom to complications from her breast cancer on May 18th.  I still struggle with missing her.  I go to pick up the phone to call her and remember she isn't here to hear her sweet voice any more.

Just to give you a quick summary, she had first been diagnosed back about 20 years ago.  She had done fine until about 6 years ago and had another bout of it.  Then, 3 years ago she thought she had carpal tunnel syndrome and had surgery for it.  Well, afterward, she couldn't move her fingers.  They did some tests and discovered a lump in her shoulder.  At that time they gave her 3-6 months.  They could not operate due to the location of the lump.  It has since spread to her lungs and bones.

When I went home March 28th (I live 2500 miles away) for my dad's 80th birthday and a 9 day visit I realized we were dealing with a much worse situation than we had imagined.  She was deteriorating on a daily basis.  I ended up staying until her passing.  She ended up in the hospital twice during that time.  And, we were finally told there was nothing they could do.  She needed to go to a nursing home.  But, we (there are 8 of us kids and my dad) knew she wanted to be home.  So, we did everything we could to keep her as comfortable as we could.  We had a lot of help.

My dad was the same as yours.  Totally waiting for the day she was going to wake up and say what's everyone doing here.  I'm fine.  And, I too, struggled with helping him to accept she would not be with us for long.  I'm not sure that I ever convinced him before she was gone.  The guy from the funeral home kept telling him miracles do happen.  And, he kept hanging onto those words.  We kept telling him that our miracle had already happened in that we'd had her another three years.  But, he still hung on.  And, that was okay if that's what he needed to do to make it through each day.  We just got my dad to sit with my mom at least once a day and left them alone.  Does he totally miss her now?  You bet he does.  And, so do we.  But, I know that I did everything I could to keep my mom at home where she wanted to be.  I'm sorry you can't do that.  We did not have the complications you are seeing.  And, we also had a hospice service to help us out with supplies and training.  And, I know that she was as comfortable as we could make her after we acknowledged that even though she never wanted morphine, that it was the best thing for her.

I got to spend quality time with her just lying in bed with her.  Holding her hand, talking to her about anything and everything and nothing sometimes. 

I see that you haven't posted for 16 hours now.  I just want you to know that you are in my prayers that things are going okay.  When anyone asked us what they could do, we told them to please just pray for her to be comfortable and go peacefully.  It was hard, but we knew the pain and suffering had to stop.  We know she is happy in heaven with her mom, dad, brother and a granddaughter that she kept seeing and talking to her in her last days.

Is it hard?  Yes.  Do I miss her?  Yes.  Do I wish she was still here with us?  Yes.  But, do I feel I am okay with her being gone?  Yes.  I know that she had a wonderful life, raised 8 children, 22 grandchildren, ran her own company, and had so many friends I had no idea she had touched their lives until she was gone and they came and told us stories about things she had done for them over the years.

Well, I must stop now as I can't see my computer screen any more for the tears.  I am told that they will be less and less as times go on.  But, the love for my mom will never wane.  Be strong in what you are dealing with and know that there are others who have been there.

Hugs, Patty

tlm1

Hi everone, so sorry to hear about your mums. I lost mine to BC (mestasised to bone) last September. I suppose I was 'lucky' in so fat she was 79 and had developed it later in life at the age of 74.



Throughout her treatment she was stoical and dignified and never moaned even though at the end she was in a lot of pain from her bones. She started getting worse and needed more admitting to hospital but still kept a brave face. My poor dad looked after her and I came to visit as often as I could. With a full time job and family of my own it was hard and as an only child I felt hugely guilty that I could not do more.



The hospice were amazing in her final days and one of the nurses told me what to look out for when someone is about to pass on (I had asked). I'm do glad I knew because it meant that both dad and I were with her when she went at home. We told her loved her and I thanked her for everything and said she could go now. I'm sure she heard me even though she was not alert.



I miss her more than anything and with the ensuing 9 months of getting my dad moved in with us have not grieved properly yet. My anxiety levels are now sky high and cancer is my nemesis. I'm finally going to see a bereavement councillor who deals with losses of loved ones from cancer. I think it's going to help as I have do much to say and questions to ask that I have not asked or told anyone. I'm so glad I have found this thread as reading all your posts has made me realise I'm not alone. X

MyMomsAdvocate

The week before my mom's passing, I knew she was leaving us.  I was the only one in the family who knew it was the end.  Her husband was in denial, as well as my sisters and friends.  I had come to terms with it as best as possible, but I believe it was my grief counselor who helped me cope better than the others.  I started seeing my counselor a few months prior to my mom passing away as I sunk into a deep depression after her diagnosis.  I am only 27, the oldest of three girls, no kids of my own, and I'm not married.  All I could think about was how much my mom said she wanted grandbabies, and I had given her none and now she would never get to meet them. My grief counselor really understood what I was going through, and gave me an outlet when it felt I was just going to go off the deep end.  I continually see her, she has been my saving grace.

I hope they can provide your mother some relief with medicine.  I knew my mom hated painkillers but for the last few hours of her life, we kept her on a high dose of morphine to make her comfortable.  You all are in my thoughts and prayers.  This will be one of the worst things you will ever have to deal with.  I did take some comfort in the fact when my mom passed, that she was no longer in pain, fighting for her life. I wanted her here with me, but I knew it would be selfish to keep her here with all the pain she was in... Goodness, this just breaks my heart.

sarika_for_mama

Hi everyone,

 I lost my mom yesterday. She was in coma for two days. Still responded to me when i called "mama" she would breathe harder.

She started with low pulse rate and low BP at 5:30am and went through her final stages till 6:30pm when she took her final breath. My dad, sister, me, and my mom's mother were all in the room when it happened. we talked to her all day, cried to her, shared our immense love with her but nothing still prepared us for this deep loss. I am in her house without her. She is the queen of this castle and we feel like outsiders sitting here. Without her, nothing moves in this house. She ran the house, her school, my dad and our lives and now we are sitting here numb , not sure of what to do.

We were planning her end of life services an hour before she left us. We were not prepared at all. Today we decorated her like a bride and cremated her. People are flowing through and I have no idea what to feel. When i am alone my heart starts sinking. I will be with my dad for two more weeks and then we are requesting him to come live with either one of us for a month or two. But this will kill him. My mom was his only baby, he was her doctor, caregiver, best friend, confidant and he is walking around the house aimlessly as I type. my life has changed forever.I lost a piece of my heart today.  

 Mom, where are you? I know you left that wretched body that tortured you for 8 years, but i need your presence in this world to carry on. 

ldlevy

Oh Sarika, I am in tears reading your update. I am so so sorry for the pain you and your family are feeling right now. I know it well. Even the numbness you describe can be so excrutiating. Your mom sounds like she was truly an amazing, caring and very strong woman. It may not feel like it now... but you obviously inherited those strengths from her. Your mom's presence will arise and the grief will dull. I will be praying for you and your family that you may find some peace and at some point.. happiness. We are here to listen whenever you need us. Much love and sympathy, Laura

mandapanda

Sarika-I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I just lost my mom on August 10th. I'm 29 yrs old and my mom was my best friend. I never went a day without talking to her! I try and think about everything I got to experience with her instead of dwelling on not having her here for the rest of my life and my 2 little kids lives. I hope you and your family can find strength and peace.

Margi1959

Sarika,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Please know that we are walking with you, those of us that have lost our moms.  I am coming up to the one year "anniversary" (I hate that word - it sounds happy)  of when my Mum left me. I've had a really hard time reading this thread today and I'm sitting here in tears knowing your pain, honey.  I totally get it.  

We have to hold each other up though.  We have to be the strong women our mums taught us to be.  We can't take each others pain away, but there is strength in knowing that we are not alone with it.  Our pain unites us.  There is relief when we know that our Mums aren't suffering anymore because, honestly, that's a deeper pain for us.  

Please know that your mum is with you now, more than ever, Sarika.  She is in your pocket, she is in the wind around you.  Feel her.  I sometimes will smell cigarette smoke and I know my Mum is close.   It's very comforting and I  hope you can feel your Mum when she sends you signs as well.

I wrote an article for a friend's magazine that might help you in the months ahead, called Angel Signs.  It's on pages 46-47 in this link.  You do have to click through a couple of pages to get to it, but there are little bars at the bottom to advance the pages.  http://issuu.com/beautyblissphoto/docs/beautyblissmag2

Edited to add.... If that link doesn't work, you can type this into your browser.  http://issuu.com/beautyblissphoto/docs/beautyblissmag2 and it will take you there.  Sorry, not sure why that link isn't posting correctly.  Grrr....again, it didn't post.  You have to type http:// before that address. 

Hugs and love to you, my friend.

Margi

p.s.  Laura's exactly right.  Age doesn't matter.  There are our moms and we are their babies.  I'm turning 53 in October and I still really want to hug Mum again - just one more time.  Or just call her when I'm doing dishes to talk about our day, like we did every day.  

KrystalGsoto

Im glad that i saw this post. I am an only child & my mother was jus diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma. This is so hard for me, my mother is my bestfriend & pretty much the only person whos always been there for me. Shes pretty much all ive got. I dont wanna lose her & if i could i wish i could be sick instead of her. Shes overall a pretty healthy woman, which is why when i found out this i was in complete disbelif, shock & horror. I cant imagine my life without her. I want to do everything in my power see to it that she gets proper treatment. Ive been doing reasearch about this just so that i am aware of everything my mother will have to endure. My boyfriends mother also has breast cancer & my uncle was also diagnosed with an advance stage of cancer and has already had his hip removed since that cancer had eaten away at it, so its been pretty rough to deal with everything that is going on. These last couple of months have been very hard on myself, my family & my boyfriends family. Im trying my best to be strong but sometimes it is very hard since im pretty much trying my best to be there for everybody. i dont want to be depressed since i know that doesnt help with anything, but it is very hard sometimes to keep myself from bursting out into tears. 

diza

Sarika, 

 I am sorry for your loss. My mother is also deteriorating and it pains me so much to see her suffer. I am glad that she's on morphine now though so there's little to no pain. 

Krystal,

Hang on. Take it one day at a time. Thinking too much about the future can be very difficult so focus on today. Do your best for your mother, and family today. Let tomorrow worry about itself. 

RyanS17

Hello everyone, My name is Ryan and I am a senior in Industrial Design. I recently spent 3 weeks living in the ICU waiting room at a hospital near Chicago and had a difficult time while there. The events spurred an interest for my Senior Design Thesis, which I know i would like to focus on the comfort of guests at hospitals. Do you think it would be ok for me to post a link on this forum to a short survey for my thesis? thank you, Ryan

sarika_for_mama

OK i dont know how many times, i have come to this post and read all of the responses over and over and over again. I have blocked the recent events in my life and am just spending 90% of my waking time in work and other activities. Even though 10% of the times when i am driving home or am alone this haunting pain lingers and wants to pull me in. I cant get away from it. Everything I own has some memory associated with my mom. My kids say something silly and cute and  I want to pick up the phone and call mom to get her reaction but I know I will never hear her laugh again. I cant look at her pictures, i cant smile without guilt, when i am eating I go in a different state and i eat too much and then feel guilty, there is a constant pain in my stomach. HOW DID YOU ALL GET THROUGH THIS?

And then i call my dad and he says " who should i live for?" what is my goal in ife" and i feel my pain is negligible compared to his. How did your dad's deal with the loss. How did you help him?

HELP me my companions on this misery trail. ...........

thefuzzylemon

Sarika...I just want to reach out to you. I wonder if you have faith...if you have a support group...I want to say so much to you what I Would want my girls to know...

I live within you.

I'm not suffering any more.

I'm proud of you.

Don't let me go.

I need you to live.

I need you to find peace in this.

I hope you think if me and feel my love.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.



((((Hugs))))

sarika_for_mama

Thank you for the lovely poem.

I need a hug and my husband just keeps on pushing me to get over it. Kids don't care and obviously no one at work bothers. I feel my mom is hugging me when the wind blows and then the skeptic in me dismisses it. There is a constant ache in my heart. I can't believe she is actually gone.

thefuzzylemon

Sarika - I believe.  I really do.  Your mama is hugging you and it's ok to let her.  Mama's don't want their babies to suffer.  You will grieve and it will always hurt.  But, with time, you'll reflect on really great memories.  You'll see your mother in the most beautiful of times.  You will remember and think about everything she would want you to think about.  I told my girls to talk to me when I'm gone...because if I can be listening, I will. 

Try not to look at what other people are doing/saying or how they are acting.  You are entitled to your time - do not let anyone take that from you.  I read a poem once that said how deeply you love, you will equally grieve.  You loved your mama a lot and what you are going through is reflecting that.  It's special and yours alone.

Now...step outside and get a hug from your mom.  You need one.

((((hugs))))

link44

I also just lost my best friend n mom over a wk ago and it was a horrible tragedy for us but being by her bedside for those few days was comforting n knowing she had no pain. We all have a broken heart but thank you for your stories and God bless you and your families xoxoxoxo

thefuzzylemon

Link...I'm so sorry.  There are no words.  I feel a little strange being on this thread (I hope no one is offended) but this is very close to my heart.  You are daughters and I would like to be considered a supporter.  I read this thread for a long time before I got the nerve to post.  But, I'm drawn to this and maybe it's just suppose to be this way - helping the daughters...do you have anything that reminds you of her (like the wind does for Sarika)...

link44

my girls smiles remind me of her n I feel her near me sometimes. I have a sort of calmness sometimes even though i have high anxiety.

thefuzzylemon

Oh my. That is very special. My brother in law passed suddenly a few years ago and his daughters children (who he never saw) say goodnight to him every Night. They have pictures by their beds. My niece feels him too. I really do believe that our love ones don't leave us. If you feel her, your very lucky. Embrace that as often as you can. She'll help you get through this horrible time.

pobster23

Hi I have just found this thread, my mum is stage 5 with mets to bone liver and brain she has just finished WBR and is now on oral chemo, I'm at the point where I am numb I am now on anti depressants and they are helping but I can see my getting slower and tired more it is breaking my heart the thought of her not always being here for me or my children, I was always the baby of the family and now I feel I'm the grown up as I are for my parents although they live together I am there everyday, I

Just now I feel like I'm coping too well and I'm just scared that if my mums chemo doesn't work will I just fall apart. I hate cancer it sucks



Pauline x

mandapanda

Sarika,



I could write exactly what you wrote. My mom died August 10th. It seems like its getting harder instead of easier. I miss her more and more. My heart hurts more and more. I feel bad for my kids 3 years old and 3 months old) they got cheated out of the best grandma. My 3 yr old was so close to her as I was. She was my best friend. I'm only 29, I can't believe ill have to go through the rest of my life without her. When I'm upset and talk to my dad he just says how talks about how upset he is. Which I know he is but I just wanna vent and I can't, my husband doesn't know how the pain feels. It's so difficult.

patty9999

I know they say this gets easier over time.  My mom passed back in May.  This Tuesday would have been her 80th birthday.  I remember during her last weeks her asking me if she was going to make it to 80.  And, her telling me she knew she wouldn't.  And, here it is and she isn't here.  But, I do know that my spending her last three months with her was the greatest thing in the world.  I am so thankful for FMLA.

I live across the country from where my mom is and can't be there that day.   But, I have ordered flowers to be delivered to the cemetery and asked one of the guys to please get them to her.  He has been wonderful throughout the whole process helping us with making all the arrangements and even now.

I do, at times, feel that she is here with me in spirit.  And, do many times go to pick up my phone to call her.  I used to talk to her on my way home from work (using my bluetooth).  My trips home now are empty.

Anyway, I wanted to say to those others who are going through the same things that we must look on the bright side.  Our precious moms are in a better place.  Not in pain any more.  No suffering.  And, i know my mom is up in heaven watching over me and all her family.  Happy at last.

I'm sitting here in tears for my sadness of missing my mom and knowing exactly how so many of you feel.  We can do this together.

Patty

imadaughter

I havent posted much on this board but i am loosing my mother. She was diagnosed 3 years ago as stage iv. She has put up a good fight. We r in the hospital since monday. Right now her kidneys have failed and she has renal bleeding. Her blood has mrsa and all the poisens in her body are making her mind go. But we have been told that she will fo peacefully most likely she wall fall asleep into a coma and not wake up. I want her to be better but i hate to see her suffer.

imadaughter

I havent posted much on this board but i am loosing my mother. She was diagnosed 3 years ago as stage iv. She has put up a good fight. We r in the hospital since monday. Right now her kidneys have failed and she has renal bleeding. Her blood has mrsa and all the poisens in her body are making her mind go. But we have been told that she will fo peacefully most likely she wall fall asleep into a coma and not wake up. I want her to be better but i hate to see her suffer.

thefuzzylemon

Imadaughter....gentle hugs sweetie. I can't imagine your pain. It sounds like you're being tough for your mama. I will pray for you both tonight.