For Daughters Who are Losing Their Mother to Breast Cancer

patty9999

Imadaughter- I'm sad to hear your are joining our club. Rest assured that being with your mom right now and her going peacefully will go a long way to making it easier for you when she is gone. Just remember, she will not be suffering any more. It sounds like you have done everything possible to make her as comfortable as possible. ((Hugs))

penny4cats

I am a mom who just read her daughter's fb rant about what it is like to live thru pinktober with everyday pink being inher face reminding her that i will die from this disease. i would like to hear from other daughters and those who have lost their moms as to what living thru pinktober is like for you.

mandapanda

I pm'd u-penny

thefuzzylemon

I am also interested in the response Penny requested...if anyone would share....

LMinPgh

I also want to say that I strongly dislike Pinktober.  I am a daughter who is the caregiver to my 79 year old mom that was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer this year.  I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about this but I think it's because I don't want my mom and all of us who love her so much to be branded with a pink ribbon and the hooplala that goes with it.  One of her friends gave her a pink sweater with pink breast cancer things all over it and I asked her if she would wear it - she strongly said no, we didn't really discuss it, but I know she feels the same way.  I think both of us don't want breast cancer to now define who she is. 

My heart goes out to all of you.  I know how hard it is to be the care giver and try to make each day a good, cheerful one.  My mom is amazing and has a very positive attitude - some days are good and some days are very frightening.  It's so hard not knowing how long she has - if given a crystal ball and finding the answer - would that be better or worse?  I really don't know.  

I find myself reading this post of daughters losing their mothers the most.  It doesn't matter if we are young daughters or menopausal daughters - nothing and no one can ever replace the unconditional love and support that a mother gives their daughters.  It truly breaks my heart that this is happening. 

A Mother's Love Weaves the Perfect Nest

sarika_for_mama

No. It hasn't gotten easy yet. There are so many tears behind my empty eyes, I can bring them out anytime. But I don't because I don't want anybody's sympathy, no one around me understands how much I miss my mom. Now I wish I had spent more time with her even though I think I did I feel I could have hugged her more kissed her more maybe .....

I miss you mom, I still cannot believe I have to live my entire life without you. My best friend is gone.

Throughout her disease she was so afraid if dying of not being with us to watch my kids grow and to not share random moments with us or travel and now I realize the real losers are us who are not able to enjoy any moment of life because she is not there in them.

Fuck October fuck pink and fuck this cancer

mandapanda

I hate pinktober! My mom just passed in August at the young age of 54! I know have no mom! My kids have to miss out on the best grandma! I miss my best friend! Everytime I see pink or the ribbon I immediately think abou my moms long ass battle! It's unfair! I just had a baby girl in June and even dressing her in pink makes me think of the disease sometimes!

diza

My mother passed away yesterday, at the age of 54 as well. I'm only 25, her only child whom she raised as a single mother. I am not holding up really well. Will this ever get better? 

thefuzzylemon

Diza-I am so sorry.  The pain that you have and carry is crushing.  My heart goes out to you and I have you in my thoughts.  You are both so young.  Who are you able to talk to about this?  What would your mom tell you at this time?  Growing up with a single parent (I did as well) you know the strength that she had and exactly what she would want for you.  Give yourself the time you need to grieve and the edges will be less sharp.  I hope others who have experienced this will jump in and speak with you.  I can only speak from my heart and use a language that I would tell my own daughters.  I have always told them...when I have left the physical, talk to me - I will be there and I will listen...

diza

I do have my friends and my family. My family has been very supportive of us during this whole ordeal. My mother's 4 sisters took care of her when I can't and was with her when she passed. We knew this was coming and I thought I was prepared but nothing could truly prepare you for the grief of losing the one person that seemed so permanent in your life. I'm not sure how to go about this kind of sadness. 

My mother always told me to not be scared of her passing. To be strong and to remember that I will live just as well. She also trusts me to take care of myself really well because "she raised me to be a strong woman." In many ways, I am strong and I have accepted her death. But it is the pain and the longing and how I will never see her again that's making the days really bad. I can't stop thinking about her and how she must've waited me for when she passed. I was 4 hours late and regret it. I was not able to be there for her during her final moments. I hope she understood that I was rushing to go home, and that I would've wanted to be there for her and hold her hand and tell her thank you for everything and that I love her and that I will miss her forever.

thefuzzylemon

Sweetie....you may already know this but maybe it will help a bit to see it written...

Yes.  Your mom knows.  She knows and it's ok.  You were there with her and she is with you now.  The kind of connection you have with your mom is special and nothing (not even death) can separate that.  Allow yourself to grieve.  The pain is part of that process...and soon you will see her the way she wants you to see her...in beautiful memories...when she wasn't sick...and little tiny things will brings sweet tears to your eyes and she will be with you in those moments. 

Momma's never leave their babies...you have thanked her all along by being the person she raised you to be.  I am certain she is proud of her baby girl as you are proud of the life and legacy that is your mom.

mandapanda

Diza-I'm sorry you have to go through this. The first weeks after my moms passing, I was doing better than I thought I would. Then, I started to have bad days, especially in the evenings. I'm dreading the holidays because she made them so special.



Im sorry I don't have a lot of advice, I just know our moms wouldn't want us to be sad forever. But, it's so hard to think we are young and won't have them here. I feel guilty that she was young and got deprived. I'm just venting.



I really wish I could help you. But, I need help too.

jbrickley

I lost my Mom to breast cancer on 10/25/12.  We found out on 10/23 that her treatment was not working.  On 10/24 we made arrangements with hospice.  On 10/25 the nurse from the hospital called me and told me to get there asap and she passed away withing the hour.  We were told two weeks earlier that the treatment was working.  Everything happend so fast; she was such a fighter; my hero.  She was my Mother, my Best Friend, my Sister.  The days afterwards were okay but then every one returned to their lives. I miss her more then words can tell.  Some people tell me it will get better others tell me it never will.  I feel like she is here in some form.  There were little tell tell signs during the initial days; music boxes; flowers blooming in unlikley environments.  I just don't know what to think or feel anymore.  I know there are many more daughters going through this....

mandapanda

Yes jbrickley-my mom passed on August 10th. 4 months ago today. She had been dealing with breast cancer for 5 years but just in her last month was it bad. She went quick. Like your mom we thought her treatment was working but then it spread to her liver and it just over took it fast! She went in the hospital August 6, hospice August 8, and passed August 10. Those first weeks were ok, but now I'm not doing well. I just had my 30th bday last week and I'm having a hard time thinking I have to go so long without my mom/best friend. She was only 54 and loved life. She was the best grandma to my kids but my youngest was only 2 months old when she passed, I'm so sad she won't remember her. I miss my mom so much it hurts. I hope I gets better, but for me it has been harder. Maybe it's the holidays, she made them so special. I hope you find peace, I'm here to listen if u ever wanna message me.

Yawls

My story is a little older. My family and I lost my mom 20 years ago to a really aggressive breast cancer. She was 58. Not a day goes by that I don't remember something that she did or said. My family is close and not a holiday or family gathering takes place that mom is not present. Not in an icky, can't you move on kind of way...but a solid unwavering knowledge that she is with us and paying attention. Only one of the grand kids was born before she died, but all of them know her too! I remember the first time I couldn't hear her voice in my head...I called my sister and moms voice was on the other end of the line. My sister and I have marked our years waiting for breast cancer to arrive on our doorsteps. As the years passed, we started to breath a sigh of relief. Neither of us had signs, until September. It was me, stage 2 idc early clean margins and clear nodes. The thing is, treatment is so much better than it was, I know I will probably never have to go through what she did, the full radical mastectomy with axillary lymph node removal, already my lumpectomy is less invasive and threatening. My mom was a part of at least five clinical trials. She was determined to help someone in the future. She did early cold caps, thermo radiation treatments, complementary treatments an tamoxifen before it was standard.



Your mom will never leave you. Her trials may guide you in the years to come. Remember everything. Talk about her, keep her close.

diza

Hi guys. Just dropping by to check on everyone. I hope everyone is doing okay. I've been keeping myself busy and trying new things and challenging myself more. I find that it helps keep me from being immobilized by my grief. It's going to be the holidays soon though and it will be the first without mom. I still miss her every day but I'm starting to accept that she has passed and no matter how much or how hard I cry, she will never come back. I have to move on without her in her physical self, but her spirit will always be within me. 

@yawls: thank you for your thoughts and well wishes. Get well soon!

sports

I recently lost my mother 2 breast cancer on Dec. 28th 2012. She put up a long hard fight for 8 years. The only reason i am posting this comment is so that more people are aware and don't have to find the way we did. My mom was diagnosed in 2004 and was stabilized for 5 years thanks to god, her will to fight, and a good oncologist. It came back in her bones in 2009. She was hospitalized for 6 months with pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and a severe lung infection, once again she stabilized for another 3 years due to her will to survive. She was bed bound for 6 months and worked hard to learn how to walk again. Avery strong woman. In November 2012, she began to have severe nausea, lost her mobility, and began to slowly lose her vision. On Nov. 22 2012 her oncologist gave us the devastating news. She had Carcinomatous miningitis. It is a complication of cancer where the cancer cells invade the miningies of the brain and spinal cord because chemo cannot cross the blood brain barrier. So her oncologist told us there was nothing more he could do for her but radiation to relieve symptoms and hospice. My mom continued the fight. She had the radiation treatments but wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks from pneumonia, severe dehydration and a bladder infection. She fought til the end until she became very tired. but it was there that she left us physically but not spiritually. The reason i am telling you this is because the oncologist doesnt always tell you about the possibility of this condition and by the time the condition is diagnosed it is too late in the process because the symptoms are similiar to those caused by chemo. What i have read on the carcinomatous miningitis forum is that if you ask for an mri and a lumbar pucture every so often the key is to diagnose the condition early so you can receive treatments which can prolong life but not cure. Im saying this because i dont want anyone else to have to suffer what we have suffered. Please share this with as many as you can. One last thing, they say that the long term survivors are at higher risk for it. I never want to shatter hope, i just want others  to be aware. Enjoy your mother and share many good times with her and tell her you love her every day as i was lucky enough to do with mine. I miss her horribly. I hope your mom is the to win the fight physicall and spiritually.

sports

I recently lost my mother 2 breast cancer on Dec. 28th 2012. She put up a long hard fight for 8 years. The only reason i am posting this comment is so that more people are aware and don't have to find the way we did. My mom was diagnosed in 2004 and was stabilized for 5 years thanks to god, her will to fight, and a good oncologist. It came back in her bones in 2009. She was hospitalized for 6 months with pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and a severe lung infection, once again she stabilized for another 3 years due to her will to survive. She was bed bound for 6 months and worked hard to learn how to walk again. Avery strong woman. In November 2012, she began to have severe nausea, lost her mobility, and began to slowly lose her vision. On Nov. 22 2012 her oncologist gave us the devastating news. She had Carcinomatous miningitis. It is a complication of cancer where the cancer cells invade the miningies of the brain and spinal cord because chemo cannot cross the blood brain barrier. So her oncologist told us there was nothing more he could do for her but radiation to relieve symptoms and hospice. My mom continued the fight. She had the radiation treatments but wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks from pneumonia, severe dehydration and a bladder infection. She fought til the end until she became very tired. but it was there that she left us physically but not spiritually. The reason i am telling you this is because the oncologist doesnt always tell you about the possibility of this condition and by the time the condition is diagnosed it is too late in the process because the symptoms are similiar to those caused by chemo. What i have read on the carcinomatous miningitis forum is that if you ask for an mri and a lumbar pucture every so often the key is to diagnose the condition early so you can receive treatments which can prolong life but not cure. Im saying this because i dont want anyone else to have to suffer what we have suffered. Please share this with as many as you can. One last thing, they say that the long term survivors are at higher risk for it. I never want to shatter hope, i just want others  to be aware. Enjoy your mother and share many good times with her and tell her you love her every day as i was lucky enough to do with mine. I miss her horribly. I hope your mom is the to win the fight physicall and spiritually.

MyMomsAdvocate

It was 10 months on 12/28 since I had lost my mom. The holidays were so hard, and I know everyone keeps saying it will get easier, but for some reason it seems to be getting HARDER. I miss her everyday, and sometimes it is still hard to get out of bed. I have tried blocking the memories of her while she was sick, and channel the memories of her while I was growing up. Sometimes it's easy, and I'll even catch myself enjoying the memories of her... other times it just hurts. Especially when I remember her while she was sick. I hate to think about her like that. Up until about 2 months before she passed away (She died exactly 9 months from her date of diagnosis) we had hope, then it was all dashed away. For me anyway... I think I came to grips with it before anyone of my other family members. I mean, however well you can "come to grips" with the fact that you are going to lose your mother, and there is NOTHING you can do about it.



I feel sad whenever I see that anyone has replied on this topic. I know it helps, but it is a reminder that there is not escaping it. From Pinktober, to just updates, it's all around. I pray for everyone on this board, daily. I pray those who are still fighting, I pray for those who have lost their loved ones, and I pray for those who don't know what's going to happen.

Homebody

I am so very sorry for all of you. So very, very sorry. I am thinking of you all, and wishing that your pain lessens a little over time, to a more bearable level. Of course, it never really goes away, I'm sure. I am trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead, but perhaps there is no preparation that will help.

I'm posting because my mother was just diagnosed with a metastatis of the breast cancer that she had 13 years ago. Back then, I was 24 and she was 56. We are now 38 and 69. 13 years ago she had a mastectomy and radiation, Grade 2, no nodes, tumour about 1cm I think, and it must have been ER positive as she only took Tamoxifen. Her mother also died of breast cancer at 80.

In the intervening 13 years, I got married, moved to another continent, changed careers, and am just starting to think about having kids. So we live 3,500 miles apart. I have a sister 3 years older than me.

For most of the last year, my mother has been unwell with aches and pains. The doctor kept sending her away saying it was muscular. She eventually had a bone scan and finally we got a diagnosis. Osteoporosis! She had lots of blood tests, none of which showed any cancer markers.

So December 20, 2012, I phoned up to find out how her doctor's appointment that day went, wondering if her bone injections would be weekly, monthly, or what. And I was told that the cancer is back, with bone mets in her spine and pelvis. She has been breathless for at least a couple of years, so I do wonder about lung mets. She had a contrast-dye CT scan today, so perhaps that will show up other things. The MRI showed nothing in her organs, but I do know that the CT scan shows other things, so I'm braced for those results. I have realised that from now on, life will be a rollercoaster of scans and results.

The shock of her diagnosis is hard to describe. I feel that I have been zinged back to 1999. We were told there was no cancer, only osteoporosis, and I was ringing to see what osteoporosis medications she was going to have. I didn't even know that I was ringing up for big-gun cancer test results. But she and my dad were just as shocked.

So it's been two weeks today, and I have done a lot of crying. I have felt like not getting out of bed a lot, and I have not been getting dressed etc. I now haven't showered in three days. When I pass the spot in the house where I was standing when I found out, I feel odd. I am heartsore for myself, of course, but my heart is really broken for my mother, knowing what she will endure. She must be terrified. She is a wonderful mother, so sweet, patient, kind, and self-sacrificing. I was a real pain as a kid, and she never lost patience with me. She is a real storybook mummy.

I am fortunate in that I have a strong father who takes care of everything and is currently in good health. He hasn't always been very nice to her throughout their lives. But he is looking after her very well, driving her to her appointments and doing everything in the house, and taking her out places.

Of course, this development has made me fear for my own future health too. I have a stable of risk factors, Pill use, family history, no kids yet, etc. My breasts have always been painful and fibrocystic, so that doesn't fill me with confidence either. My mother is an only child, so no aunts or cousins on that side, and therefore we have a piece of the jigsaw missing. My sister is 41. My mother's cancer was only on one side, and there is no history of ovarian cancer that I know of, so I'm hoping that we don't have the BRCA mutations.

I am slowly beginning to come to, after the shock, and count my blessings. I am lucky to still have my mum at 38. I was lucky not to lose her at 24, when I was on my own and my life was so unsettled. Back then, I moved to a big city alone six months after her diagnosis, as my dad was taking her illness out on me. I lived with selfish strangers in a crappy, cold, dirty apartment as it was all I could afford. (No matter how much I scrubbed it, it still looked dirty.) I was single, and I didn't even like my job, although the move turned out to be very good for my career.

This time around, I've had 13 more years of time with her, I'm much older, I have a nicer place to live and a supportive husband (supportive doesn't mean perfect, he has his own issues but no one's perfect.) So I count my blessings, because things could be worse. Maybe she will only have bone mets at this time. Maybe the CT scan will be clear. Maybe she will have quite a few more years.

To those of you who have already lost your mothers, my heart bleeds for you, and it bleeds the most for those of you who were bereaved at a young age. My life really was not very good before she was diagnosed in 1999, and I shudder to think how I would have coped if she had been Stage IV back then instead of now. I have been doing a ton of research, and it seems that breast cancer cells do escape early in some patients. I mean, my mother had no lymph node involvement in 1999, and a mastectomy, and this metastatis is from the original tumor. Apparently the cells just sit dormant, and in about 70-80% of people who do happen to have escaped cells, those cells never wake up. (I guess they don't know who has escaped cells and who doesn't.) As an aside, I know two ladies, 78 and 81, who had breast cancer 2-3 decades ago and they are fine.

Still, I can't describe to you the utter shock of that diagnosis two weeks ago on December 20, 2012. In all the doctor's visits over the past year, we were assured it wasn't the cancer back. We even had a diagnosis, osteoporosis. I've actually been having chest pains, which I'm sure were due to shock, crying, and missed nights of sleep. They've subsided today. I'm in a position where I can rest at the moment, luckily, and I do seem to be feeling a bit better, just as of today. I'm actually going to have a shower now, and I've been finding it very hard to get out of bed, shower and dress since I heard the news. Mom would hate that. She has always been a big believer in looking nice, doing your hair and enhancing yourself with a bit of makeup. She's so feminine and lovely...sigh.

Soft and gentle hugs to all on this board xxx

P.S. On the subject of Pink October, I never took any notice of it. It all felt a bit hollow to me, because of Mom's initial diagnosis in 1999. I didn't exactly have a problem with it, but I wasn't interested in it at all. Maybe it was a bit close to home. After she started recovering I wanted to move away from breast cancer and forget about it.

lostandlonely_1305

Hi, this is my first post on here so ill start at the beginning. My mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer on 12.12.12. Within a week we found out that it had already spread to her lungs and lymph nodes. On new years eve she was admitted to hospital because she was struggling to breathe. She has been in intensive care under sedation and on a ventilator since then. I am the eldest of 6 kids I am 22, I have a sister who's 20, a brother who's 19, and three more sisters who are 13, 6 and 2. I have no idea what to do. I don't know what her chances of even making it back home are, let alone how long she might live. She is only 43 and I've been told that women her age usually get a more aggressive type of cancer than women in there 50's. I am at a complete loss at the moment. Me and my sister have already had to take over her role for the little ones and the thought of her leaving us and having to raise 2 fairly small children and a teenager is scaring the life out of me. I just want to know if anyone's been through anything like this. I'm losing my mind with worry. Thanks everyone, in advance. Much love to all of you x x x x

thefuzzylemon

Im so sorry...you have so much on your plate. I wonder if you would post on the Stage Four boards, if you might get more thoughts? Your situation is probably a little rare and I think this particular thread is limited with viewers.

You will need help with the family...do you have relatives around?

lostandlonely_1305

Thanks for replying, I will do that. I have my nan and grandad but they are elderly, they're good for talking to but can't help out too much on the practical side. Most of my mums family live miles away. So there aren't many people I can rely on. It's just so scary to think we might lose our mum, particularly for the little ones, they don't really understand but they miss her already. I also have a 2 year old and its taking a toll on her with me trying to do as much as I can for my siblings. So so hard. My prayers are with everyone on this board, I know how tough it is. Sending all my love x x

mandapanda

I am so sorry! I lost my mom in August, she was only 54. However I have a 3 yr old and a newborn when my mom got really sick and I was her main care giver. I know how hard it was with 2 little ones, I can't imagine how difficult it is with all the people relying on you and then dealing with your moms illness. I hope you and your sister can be of comfort to one another and be each others strength. I will pray for your family.

thefuzzylemon

Love right back at you...and your dear family. Please pm me anytime if you need to vent or want help with ideas...

lostandlonely_1305

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It means the world to me at the moment. It's so nice to hear from people who have an idea how hard this all is, of course I have friends but understandably they never really no what to say and have there own lives to deal with. Thanks again, and all my love prayers and well wishes to all x x x

thefuzzylemon

Lostandlonely....I don't know that anyone can really know what you are going through, but if you ever want to pm me, feel free....I would always listen and support you as best I can...