My wife has breast cancer

Mark- Im sorry to hear your wife is going through this, I know it is hard to be a caretaker for someone you love that has cancer. I took care of my daughter when she had cancer and then i was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly afterwards. It was hard to see her go through it, but she needed me to be strong and take care of myself so i could take care of her. I dont mean to be hard on you and please dont take it that way, but she needs you to be strong so she can focus on herself and what she is going through, after all this is about her right now. That being said, im sorry you are falling apart. Im wondering if maybe therapy will help you, they do have support groups that are free and they help people who are caretaker like yourself.

Is there any other family or friends that can help with the housework, cooking, and errands? You might want to contact AMC (American cancer society) they will help you get the support you need, and find other survivers in your area that would volunteer to help.

As far as the radiation i cant help you with that, as i didnt  go through rads but i know there will be a lot of woman here that have and maybe have some good tips that will help with the sunburns etc..

Im glad you came here for support, please let us know how your wife AND you are doing, you are in my thoughts and prayers be strong and take care

hugs,

DEbbie

Hey Mark, sorry you need to join this forum but glad you found a great place to come and let your feelings all hang out.  Although a lot of us are on the other side of this, we do understand what you are going through as a carer and our hearts go out to you.  Watching someone you dearly love go through this ordeal takes real courage.

You are doing the best thing for your wife in picking up as much as possible the things that she cannot do at the moment but believe me when I say things will return to a more normal state of being once she has passed this phase of her treatment and has healed.  There will be times when she will revert to the fear that this disease brings with it but again this can be managed with medication and for her to know that no matter what you are there for her.

You ask about the possibility of the cancer to return, and I'm sad to have to tell you that no one can give you a definitive answer to that question as much as we all would like to know that answer.  I guess it is a case of what ever may come and living one day at a time and trying to enjoy each and every moment.  She may be one of the very lucky ones and it never returns and I truly hope this is so for both her and you.  You will find that her doctors will set up a visit schedule that he/she is happy with and to start it may be three monthly visits extending to six months and then as enough time passes, it may even end up being an annual thing.  The only reason they do scans usually is when we complain of something that is not the norm for us but having said that, some doctors do scans on a fairly regular basis.

Can I give you a little friendly advice on the front of you checking statistics?  It would be in your best interest not to do this as most that you will find are not 100% accurate and can in their inaccuracy give you a false sense of either doom or elation.  Most of what we find on the net are old figures and do not reflect the introduction of a lot of the newer drugs and treatments.   

For yourself, I recommend that you try to setup an appointment with a councilor that has experience with dealing with cancer as you are in need of closer support.  The Hospital or Centre that your wife is being treated at should be able to recommend one for you. 

(((((Hugs))))) to you and remember that we are always here to talk when you want .

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

Hi Mark, I'm so sorry you've had to find your way here.  BC is a family disease.  I have seen the stress in my husband's face as well, he tries to hide it.  He has been wonderful during this time for me and has been my rock.  He is working a second job since I've been out of work because of the BC and we have 2 little girls, he has so much on his plate right now.  He told me once he felt like he was tied up and everything around him was on fire and he couldn't do anything to help.  You and him don't realize just being there and giving us a soft place to land is sometimes enough.  It sounds like you're doing a great job.  Try to stay strong, it will get better.  I'm only a year out but I'm in a much better place now than even a few months ago.  Take it one day at a time and before you know it it will be over.  Come here and vent anytime you need to, we're here.  Hugs and prayers going your way.

Hi Mark,

Just wanted to chime in here about something.  The company my husband works for has let him use his accumulated sick days as part of FMLA (family medical leave)  to take me to my appts. He has been at the same job for 20 yrs.  It has been a Godsend to us.

Mark, you can do this!  My husband has been my rock and my safe haven through my treatments.  He has gone to every appointment I have needed him to, and he is always a safe shoulder to cry on.  All the while, I have watched him suffer with me. I echo Makratz's question - have you talked to your wife about this?  My husband and I have talked about it throughout this whole journey, and it has allowed him to tell me when he is scared, frustrated, discouraged, etc.  Sometimes I am the one that needs the emotional support, and sometimes he is the one needing emotional support. We have taken care of each other throughout all this.But that is what marriage is all about, isn't it?

My cancer center, medical oncologist, and radiation oncologist all have social workers and psychologists attached to them, available to both the patient and the family.  I suggest you check to see what resources are attached to the doctors attending to your wife.

I will pray for you!

Mark, our hearts go out to you and your wife, and you know we have been there.  I have to say that I had an incredible amount of pain with radiation.  I was also using the gel or cream that was prescribed, and still had a pretty severe reaction.  I started taking the vicondin that I really didn't take after surgery to get me thru the last two weeks.  Of course, I told my Radiologist that and she was ok with it.  She also prescribed silverdene or something like that.  It's an antibiotic cream if I remember correctly.  It's awful when the radiation tech recoils from your breast and say "Oh my g__" that must really hurt.".  The good news is, after a week or two after I was finished, it was almost back to normal, although still discolored. 

I'm so happy that your daughter is moving out - that will most likely really help.  You are a great husband.  I do think you should talk to a doctor about antianxiety or antidepressants,. but can respect the fact that you have tried them in the past.  The situation you are in, and have been in due to cancer is so stressful and overwhelming.  It will get better.  I think even a short term antianxiety that works fast (xanax or ativan) might be good to try.  Just for the times that you feel really hopeless.

Her future is graet - she had chemo, and it getting the radiation she needs.  She also needs you.

There is a house cleaning group called "Cleaning for a Reason" that will come clean your house for free if you are in active treatment.  Google it and see if they are in your area.  That alone could be a big help.  She would need to get her doctor to sign a form that she is in active treatment, which should not be a problem as radiation is daily.....

You are in my prayers and know that you are in the home stretch, and not alone.

Mark - know that you are never alone in this!!  Usually, someone is on these boards at any hour of the day should you need us!!  We have all been there and know the stress and worry that you are under.  This is normal!  Coming here was a great place to get "grounded" again! 

Your wife is in the 'home stretch' of RADS.  If she is experiencing blisters and open skin, ask for the cream to use on burns - it does help!  Also, the best thing that helped me through the last 2 weeks was lying in bed topless to let the air get to the area for an hour or two a day.  Just know that within 2 - 3 weeks after her last RADS, the sores will heal and the pain go away. Also, when I started receiving the boosts, some of the raw areas cleared up right away as the radiation was not directed to the area.

I know that you are scared and worried and feel like the whole world is on your shoulders, but you still need to share these worries/fears with your wife, as she is most definitely having the same fears and needs to know that you are doing ok too!  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife as you get through the next few weeks!

Mark - you've taken a big 1st step by finding this forum & just talking.  The 1st things I told my husband is "I know you can't fix this, but just having you listen to me, just letting me cry, just hugging me, just being there is what I need."  I know it has been hard on him & there are things I haven't told him until much much later cause I know it would hurt him to know how bad I was feeling.  The job he has is even harder than what I've been through.  I'm sorry to say there were times I was short-tempered because of the pain, but he has been so patient & understanding.  Being the caretaker is a much harder & stressful position than being the ill one.  I too burned badly with the radiation - my last 8 of 33 were boosters & I did them Monday, Wednesday, & Friday's so I could have a day inbetween to recover a little.  This site has helped me get through the last 8 months - I can't say enough good about the excellent people here.  They helped me through many a night & day, 24/7!  Do take care of yourself so you can take care of your wife - care for the caregiver....

Mark:  I am new at this too.  My diagnosis is only 10 days old.  My husband is a strong man, but he, like you, is feeling my pain.  One thing we have promised to do it keep life as normal as possible.

For the last 6 months, before diagnosis, we have been taking dance classes together.  Every wednesday night.  Nothing spectacular, but it's our "date night".  When I face my surgery in Nov., I made him promise to keep dancing.  I will go, and watch. I refuse to let cancer take over OUR lives.

Yes, we will trudge off to work, when we can, do what housework needs to be done, but KEEP LIVING!  She may not feel like it now, and I can't even begin to imagine (and don't want to imagine) how she feels, and how hard it must be to see her going through this.  But, from a wife's perspective, she also see's your pain.  She probably wants you to keep living and get through this tough time.  Don't give up.

Be user to take some time for yourself.  Go to a movie. Go out with the guys.  She would want you to have "me time" for you. 

Most importantly talk.....you will get through this.

youtube - Martina McBride - I'm gonna love you through it - inspiring

Mark, I am really worried about you. You do sound very depressed. Please book an appointment to talk with your doctor. You need some help to see how you can improve your situation. I don't think you have the perspective at the moment to do it on your own. There are things you can do but you have to look after yourself in order to be able to help your wife.



Please make that appointment and keep talking to us.

I am in the early days of the journey and just joined this site today.  My wife was told Friday and this week is tests, surgeon visits, etc. to sort out where we go from here.  Reading this trail has been helpful as well as posts on other topics.

Good luck with everything

When my sister was sick and I was taking care of her, I just wanted the daily responsibilities too stop, I wanted the world to stop, it seemed so unfair that my sister's fragile life had to coincide with cooking dinner, going to work, cleaning, filling the car with gas, grocery shopping, laundry, running errands, on and on... All I wanted to do was take care of her and nothing else, but life wouldn't stop for her illness, I am still angry at this f---ing disease.