My wife has breast cancer

Makratz

Hoping God gives you the strength!  You CAN DO THIS!!!  Think about how much Kelly and the kids need you!!  Hang in there, one day at a time.  Keep in touch with us.

XOXO

Makratz

Still thinking of you Mark. Hoping you are having a good night,

Racy

grandad, it's nice to see you posting again. I wish you well in your endeavour to stay sober. I know it's not easy. Can you get some support through counselling? A counsellor can teach you strategies to get through the difficult periods when the temptation to drink surfaces.



I'm glad your wife's active treatment is over. Hopefully your family life has settled, thus reducing some of the stress you were under.



I hope that 2012 will be a good year for you and Kellie.

dogeyed

Grandad,

I had to quit drinking long time ago, been 25+ years sober.  There IS life after drink!  It is MUCH better and easier to handle life straight, the high once you get a good grasp on it is great, and eventually you just sort of forget about the urge. 

The way I looked at was, I only have to win the argument about whether to drink or not ONE TIME, and then I'm good until the next urge.  Then I win that argument.  And so it goes, until you argue with yourself less and less, and pretty soon it's just every six months, and then it just plain goes away.  I jonly wish I quit sooner, could have done better with my life, but I have no real complaints.  I saw a commercial one time when I was just quit, and it was a major league baseball player, and I thought, "Wow, if someone like that had a problem, surely I can make it."  And then I saw ANOTHER thing on TV, it was an interview with the "Captain" on Hill Street Blues, I forget the actor's name, and they asked him how he was doing since he quit, and he said, "It's like being on a 747 taking off, and I've been going up and up and up ever since," and he smiled.

ANYTIME you feel like you are losing the argument, pick up the phone and dial your local "Crisis Intervention" hotline, to get you thru that rough patch.  And then as another poster said, some people do well with AAA stuff and a sponsor.  Oh, and one more thing, last time I drank, I went to a bar, it was in the afternoon, and a man (an angel) sat down at my table and heard my story.  He says to me, "If I was your husband, I'd kick your butt outta my house."  He left my table, and after a few minutes, so did I.  I went home, so relieved to be out of harm's way and back next to my husband WHERE I BELONGED.  In never looked back.

Keep winning that argument.  And in the words of Spencer Tracy, who was where you are at, "Find something ELSE you like to do."  GG

grandad911

Thank you for your kind words.  I keep expecting someone to critisize me for my faults.  "Hey stupid!  Stop drinking!  Duh!"  I'm glad y'all don't think that way.

I'm going to take my 2011 calendar home and burn it.  It has all of Kellie's chemo, doctor, radiation appointments on it.  I would say that I'd like 2011 to have never existed, to forget that it ever happened.  Maybe 2012 will be better; or maybe it'll end everything on 12/21.  I don't know what the future holds.  All I know is, God holds the future, and therefore my destiny.  Little I can do to escape it, and I don't like it, but through it I will go, and survive, with God's help.

It's day 11, I think.  The urges are going away.  Family life is settling down.  Juan proposed to my daughter on Thanksgiving, and they have their own place now.  Wedding date set for April.  My bipolar son David is just recently moved into an apartment, his first ever.  Even the dog is gone.  With the wife & two precious little preteen boys, the house is almost empty.  It's wonderful.  I wish I had the gumption to kick them out earlier, but I didn't.  It never works that way for me.  To get Juan and family out, I gave them the deposit they needed for the house, plus talked the renter into letting a "sex offender" live in his house.  With David, I also gave him the deposit and am paying part of his rent until he can get a promotion or another job with more money.  I'm broke, especially with Christmas, but I'm happy.  Sort of.  What's that old saying?  Catch more flies with honey, or is it get the kids out with money?  Something like that.  In any case, it worked, but not before they all drove me to drinkin'.  I can see myself now more as a resource for my children, someone they can come to for help (read: money), instead of a motivator, a Get Out Of Bed Its Time For School drill-seargent.

Most days I just go home, say Hi.  I actually played a board game with the family, something I could NEVER do before.  I even took them to the park, just to run around and play on the swings.  I'm looking forward to a better 2012.  One day at a time, one day at a time.  I'm hoping I can remember what it was like so I never go back there again.  I've got broken things and empty bottles in my home office to remind me of the panic drunk fit I threw there on many an occassion.  I don't ever want to be that way again.

What does it mean when nothing excites you any more?  I mean, I listen to the radio, I used to love music, I'm a musician, played bass for years, but when I hear those songs that I've heard a hundred times before, I want to throw up.  The thought of getting another classic car and doing a restoration like I did on my '68 Camaro and '67 bug, just makes my stomache hurt.  I can go through the store and see flat-screens as big as the chalkboard from 1st grade, and I feel nothing.  I'm starting to think my own harmone levels are screwed up.  I don't even want to go to the gym.  Is it maybe I want to forget the past, because it's been so painful?  Maybe I just need something new.  Maybe a new friend.  Anyone know where I can get a black Labrador?  I sure miss mine.

Take care... caregivers...

-Mark

Makratz

Get the Lab!!  If you think it may help, give you something new to focus on.  I think you will do fine, although it will be a long road.  Most people wont or cant admit they have a problem, but you do.  That's huge!  Keep fighting!

Oh, and you do have many new friends.....we are always here for you!  There's no judging here.

Racy

dogeyed, I enjoy reading your posts. You have such a way with words!



Grandad, I too wish I could burn 2011. Now that a lot of your stress has gone, hopefully that will help in reducing the urges to drink. I used to drink daily before BC but cut back significantly since for health reasons. Dogeyed is right; the urges do become less frequent with time.



Regarding your loss of enjoyment in things, this can be a symptom of depression.

dogeyed

GRANDAD, I was so uplifted by your post!  So good to hear good logic, emotion, decisiveness.  Good combination in a person.  Ummmmm, yeah, I'm with MAKRATZ, get the Lab!!!  It's the ONE thing you mentioned that you actually DO feel good about, have apparently had a long-time wish for, something you want to do beyond all other talent-driven options.  We lost two dogs whilst I was in the throws of chemo, seems like everyone who gets this disease winds up with some other disaster to go with it.  But we decided to wait until we can clean the house, which begins mid-January, will take just a couple weeks at a few hours a day, and then I will be chomping at the bit to get down to the shelter and FIND US A DOGGIE!!!  Ohhhh, the reminders of our dogs, when I see where they used to lay a lot, sleep, the memories of this happening in that part of the yard, or that happening in this part of the house, I am just SO LONELY for our dogs.  I MUST have a dog.  So, I know from whence you speak.  And the source of your inability to get going on fun stuff you used to do, is withdrawal from the sport of drinking, or should I say the ruination of drinking!  Drink was the one thing you looked forward to, it's a habit you were used to, it gave you that buzz of life, albeit false, and now that that has vacated your life, you have a temporary vacuum.  So, to start out, I think getting another beautiful shiny black Lab pup is the way to go!!!  He will make it SO much easier to handle to temporary sad thoughts and withdrawals.  Myself, I turned to television, it kept me off the streets, so what the heck.  Eventually I was able to add things into my lifestyle that I had nearly forgotten, and new things too.  GG 

grandad911

Thank you Dogeyed.  I just got back from across town, where I put down a deposit on a beautiful 3-week-old golden labrador!  Named her Snoopy, because when I picked her up, she just snooped around until she found my elbow, dug in and went to sleep.  I decided to pay for a purebread from a breeder this time.  Heck, I spent as much last time on getting the shelter dog de-wormed, de-flead, etc. etc.  I've never gotten to name my own dog before.  I think it's going to help alot.  The house just feels empty without a dog.  Can't wait to get it.  The breeder said it should be around 6 weeks old before I bring it home.  It really is a beautiful dog.

Today is day 14 of being sober.  I had one heck of a time making it through New Years without a drop of booze, but I did it.  I'll have to trust that the fun in life will eventually return.  I just don't have that spark that I used to have.  It's like the wind got kicked out of me, with the cancer, and the drinking just made me numb.  I suppose it'll wear off eventually.

Kellie is still doing very well, although her arm hurts, the one where the lymph nodes were removed.  We're looking for a local indoor pool because swimming helps it alot.  Now that she's not feeling sick and has her appetite back, she's gained a little weight, and I think that's making it worse.  I bought her a hear-rate monitor for Christmas at her request, and she's been walking a little bit.  I went with her once.  Wow, she walks fast.  Said she has to go fast to get "in the zone."

Anyway, thank you all for the prayers and posts...

Makratz

I'm so happy for you and proud of you!!  YAY!!  You can do this!  You are a true inspiration!  Enjoy the lab!!

I think we all gain weight, Kellie is not alone.  Just love her for who she is, she has been through so much!

november

granda911- Congratulations on being sober for 14 days; take it one day at a time and some days one hour a time. May God bless you and help you through your journey

dogeyed

Grandad,  Hey, walking fast with your wife shows just how out-of-shape you are from wallowing in self-pity from the drink!  So, reckon you can get on the health bandwagon and walk with her again...and again.  Besides, you'll need to be in SOME sort of shape when the new dog comes.  Oh, I cannot wait to get OUR new pup!  I'm about to go crazy without one.  We have to clean our house up first, got a vacuum combo rug cleaning machine (the Big Green something), before we can get a dog, tho.  So, endless loads of laundry next week, then the cleaning for a couple weeks, checking the yard fence and mowing between properties to prevent snakes from sneaking up thru the weeds and biting our dog on the paw, and then we get THE DOG!  I hope I'm not getting my hopes up too far!  I hope I will recognize the sweet face that will become entwined in our lives, in our arms, in our couch covers and bed pillows.  Glad you're hanging in, Grandad, you've almost got a month in your treasure chest.  Keep right on going, keep winning those arguments, walk with your wife when you get irritable, and keep daydreaming about your dog.  We all need our dreams.  GG

Racy

Grandad, Snoopy is a perfect name for a dog!



You know what they say about why God gave canines the name 'dog' :-) .

Makratz

How are you doing today, Mark???

Did you get the lab?

mikalinvt

Hi Mark,

I have similar feelings as you. My wife was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer(spread to backbone). Watching someone you love suffer is so hard. We have great support with famiily and friends and many praying for us. I am presently looking for a male support group so that I can voice my concerns, fears, feelings of helplessness........I suggest you do the same. I pray for you and your wife and family. Lets keep in touch. 

grandad911

I haven't been on here in a while.  My efforts to stop drinking lasted 26 days.  I recently completed an 8-week program, and so far I'm 14 days sober, again.  I got the lab.  She's a 60lb monster dog now!  Loves to walk, fetch, swim, and chew things.  My wife is in "remission" if that's the right terminology.  She had her 6-month checkup and x-ray & blood work came out fine.  Scars are still there, and not fading, but she's as pretty as ever, especially now that she's got hair.  Came in grey, but I hear it changes color after it grows a bit.

She's been having a pain on the side of her stomache (the wife, not the dog), the same side where they took out the lypmh nodes, and is getting full real fast when she eats.  Did an online search & it came up with "enlarged spleen".  Is that a common problem following node removal, chemo and radiation?

Anyway, just wanted to pop in & say Hi.  Still just taking life one day at a time... thankful for each one, I know how precious they are...

-Mark

Infobabe

grandad911

I am giving you a bump.

Probably those posters you were conversing with last winter have moved on.  If they are through treatment they might not be coming back to this board anymore.

You and your family have been through a terrible ordeal.  You aren't the only ones who has had problems with grown kids.  You do seem to be coming out the other end stronger than ever.  Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman too.  You have been a rock in spite of the anguish you have endured when you thought you were losing it.  

Has anyone suggested AA?  I am sure someone must have.  They are the ones who will understand you give you support.   When that drink is irresistible, call your sponsor and/or go to a meeting.  I have had some experience with this and there are few families that have remained untouched by alcohol.  

Life gets amazingly better when alcohol is no longer your master.  Career, fortune, personal relationships, everything starts getting better fast.  Change your playgrounds and your playmates.  I believe you are headed for a wonderful future. Being a dog lover tells a lot of about a person.  So says our yellow lab, Brady.

Wilsie2

Your wife is so lucky to have you by her side. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer June 2011, and my recurrance found Jan 2012.  He would have been a great care giver.  Grown children try, but its not the same as having your soul mate at your side.

grandad911

I will do just about anything to avoid going to an AA meeting.  I went to a similar place with a girlfriend in high school and it kind of freaked me out.  Everyone wanted to hug me and said they loved me - <shiver!>  not for me.  I've been reading a book called Kick the Drink and it's really opened my eyes.  I've been without alcohol, and without the desire for it, for over three weeks now.  (Well, if you don't count Saturday when I found the bottle of whiskey that my wife had hidden from me, which I drank, about a half-liter, and she left with the kids, and I spent all day Sunday feeling h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e pain and guilt.  At least I learned something about myself - if it's in the house, I will drink it...)

I feel like Neo - ever see the Matrix?  Excellent, excellent movie.  Anyway, I feel like I've been plugged into alcohol, and it deluded me into thinking I was happier and more relaxed, when actually it was the exact opposite.  Once unplugged, and realizing that the whole thing is a hoax, I can never go back.  Just like nobody was scared of the Wizard of Oz after they saw the old man behind the curtain, I can't buy alcohol knowing it's just a poison that'll ruin my life ... unless I find some in the closet, of course

 I can't express what a horrible, rotten year 2011 was for me.  So far, this year has been great.  Just got back from vacation, which I thoroughly enjoyed, with my wife and small kids, on the lake, no cancer medicine to worry about, and no booze to mess me up.  It was fantastic.  I'm almost scared to believe that noone is sick and everything is OK now.  I'm bummed to be back at work, of course, and I've got a sister-in-law with kidney cancer and a niece with some type of colon issues - very serious, don't know if they're going to have to operate, could have to remove the whole thing, losing blood, on and on and on it goes, everyone seems to be either sick or just got over something - maybe this is the "beginning of sorrows" that the Bible talks about.  Probably not, but that would be cool...

Thanks for the reply.  You're probably right, everyone subscribed to this thread has finished treatment & moved on.  I just like it here.  everyone is so nice & supportive.  I wish everyone had as good a marriage as my wife and I do.  With all of our faults and failures, that's one thing that has stayed solid.  I hate to see so many people getting divorces and cheating and lying - I just don't understand it.  I love my wife, I would do anything for her, and I thank God every day for her (and ask Him to keep the cancer away in the next breath).  Cancer just sucks, it really does.  My heart goes out to everyone here, especially when they don't have their partner to take them through it.

Wilsie2, where did the cancer re-appear?  I'm just curious - it scares me that Kellie might have to go through this again, and God forbid the next time it might take her.  You were in remission for what, 15 years?  Is that common?