My wife has breast cancer

glasslady062011

Hi Mark:

 I just ran across your post.  First, let me say that I understand your position as I've been in the role of caregiver for my husband during his bout with colon cancer.  Our roles were reversed this June when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I know you feel like your world is falling apart around you.  There has been a lot of good advice already posted in the last several days, so I will not repeat it. However, it does sound like to me that you are in need of some respite care.  Fancy term for 'You Need A Break'.   I would encourage you to call the ACS and take advantage of their services.  I would also encourage you to reach out to your church family and let help you through this time.  But most importantly, reach out to God and turn this over to him. He is always with you and your wife, just listen for him to speak to you and give you comfort.  I can truly say that our faith and the prayers of a lot of people have gotten us through our battle with the diease.  So, I will be adding both of you to my daily prayer list.

Also, I don't remember seeing you list the ages of your children, but if they are old enough, then I think you can assign some chores to help you with that house work.  If you do have the availability of the free maid service, have them come in and get the house squared away and explain to the kids that you need their help in keeping it that way.    

Hang in there, you are over the hump and closing in on the finish line of treatment even though it may not feel that way right now. It does and will get better. 

Racy

Mark, have you tried Lexepro? It works well for me. It's anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.

Racy

Mark, does your daughter's partner have a parole officer or is there an ex-prisoners support group that could help them find accommodation? Can they look for a place out of town where maybe there aren't so many neighbours?

grandad911

My children are 24 (out of the house), 21 (lives at home with baby & boyfriend), 12 & 10.  We try to get them to help out, but my wife and I have both been messy people our whole lives.  It's difficult to change, and almost imposible to keep anything clean when so many people are here.

Good news though - I wrote an email to the renter guy, and talked him into letting them rent the house!  Not only that, but Juan has the next few days off, so he's going to borrow his dad's truck and start moving things tomorrow!

Good news #2: I called the lawyer, and there's a new law that can get Juan de-classified as a sex offender.  It's expensive, but sounds like he qualifies under the new rule, so thank God he's going to some day be able to go to Chuck E Cheese or push his daughter in a swing.

Oh, my nerves are shot.  This has been one heck of a week, and it's only Wednesday.  You have no idea what I've been through with that guy.  First he kidnapped my daughter, ran away to Mexico, we spent 3 days of total hell trying to get her back, then when she turned 18 she went back to Mexico again. I've worked with the local investigator and the FBI to get Juan arrested (he was running from his sexual assault charge) so Sarah would come home, but the cops didn't do a damn thing, even when I hid a GPS tracker on the car and gave the cops a map to his house.  Then when Sarah got pregnant I had to switch gears from wanting to kill Juan, to hiring a lawyer so he can come back and take care of my daughter and her new baby.  Thank God for the lawyer, because without him Juan would have gotten prison time, my granddaughter would have grown up without a daddy, or even worse, Juan would have never agreed to turn himself in and would still be there, probably dead from cartel violence by now.  The cartel has since taken over his place - totally trashed it, using it for who knows what...

I'm sorry, I guess I'm rambling.  Life has been such a roller coaster for us.  Kellie is doing better.  She locks the door and sleeps topless at night and that has helped a lot.  For the first time in many months, I have some cautious optimism.  I'm trying not to think about 6 months from now, but I'm hopeful that by this time next week, Sarah, the baby, Juan and the stupid dog will be GONE and we can have a little peace and quiet.  I used to think it was hard, when it was me & Kellie raising two kids.  Now, it seems like a vacation.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.

"Take no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.  Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  (somewhere in the Bible; hope I got it right)

-Mark

Makratz

Mark,

I'm glad to hear things are looking up for you and your family.  Keep the faith!

Patriotic

Mark, I cant believe all you went through with your daughter and her boyfriend. Wow. You deserve some peace in your lives after all the stress.



So glad Kellie is doing better.

debbie6122

Hope everything is going good for your wife and you and the family

glasslady062011

Will continue prayers for your family. Hang in there. 

fmakj

How are you doing, Mark??  Hope Kellie is feeling loads better with daily "airing"! 

Some times you just have to find one thing everyday to be thankful for.  Sometimes just having the sun shining (as it is today here) was enough to get me through the day.  I have had issues with one of my daughters (depression) for 4 years - she has now moved out.  Things are better now in our household, our relationship with her and she seems happy.  It's getting to that point that you have to work at!!  Just take it one day at a time with enjoying the little stuff.  There is an end to that tunnel and if all else fails, leave it in God's hands to get you through!

Take Care - been thinking and praying for you, Kellie and your household!

grandad911

Today I helped Juan load all of the bedding and baby furniture in a truck.  They are moved out.  Sarah, Juan, Jade and the dog are all going to send their first night away from home in their new house.  Now it's just me, my wife, two little boys and one of their friends.  I know I'm not supposed to, but lately I've been a blubbering crying fool.  I wanted them to move out, but <sniff, sniff> my daughter is finally on her own!  Kind of bitter sweet, but really, isn't everything, when you're a grown up?

Kellie is doing OK.  She has some really, really dark spots from the radiation - says she wants to peel the skin off.  I told her to leave it alone, it'll fall off when it wants to.  Was that good advice? I don't want her to pull something loose that's not supposed to come loose yet.  Parts of her are going from red pickle to "please peel me" banana status.  She's taking a short break, boost rads start on Monday.

Cancer sucks....

I'm sure my testosterone and thyroid levels are fine.  I just let the doctor tell me what I need to take.  I'm too tired to argue.   It's kind of frustrating, though, when he asks me in full baritone, "Are you experiencing any erectile dysfunction?"  because I could hear *everything* he was saying to the other patients.  I guess doctor-patient confidentiality doesn't extend to the waiting room.

One day at a time, one day at a time ... I'm going to have to tatoo that to my forehead... 

-Mark 

Makratz

Mark,

Tell your doctor to ask you those things inside the exam room.  I would die if my doctor asked me personal info in the waiting room.

So glad your daughter and Juan are out on their own.  She will do fine.  It's probably harder on you than it is on her.

Enjoy your night with the boys.  Same thing is going on here.  Sleepover!  Snowstorm!  YUCK!!

Glad Kellie is doing OK.  Tell her not to peel them, just keep slathering moisturizer on them.  It hard but it will get better.

Linda

Faith316

I had major burns from radiation.  My oncologist prescribed something for me called Silvadene which they also use on burn patients.  It was amazing how fast my skin healed.  I have heard several other ladies on this forum say that they used it, too.  Ask about it.  It will help her heal faster. 

Makratz

Good suggestion Faith.  It is also used for diaper rash.  Great stuff!

grandad911

Well, that didn't last long.  I've got, let's see - Juan, Jade, Sarah, Destiny, Japser, Joseph, Noah, Kellie, me - eight people in the house.  Kids these days are like boomerangs.  Why can't they just be on their own?  All I wanted was one f***ing night to ourselves.  We rented some movie, captain America I think.  We got to the point where Smith from the Matrix is saying something, I can't tell what.  If I live to a hundred I may never see that whole movie.  In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a movie.  We even have Tivo, and we still can't make it through 2 hours without a couple of dozen interruptions.  Being a dad sucks.  Being a husband sucks.  Everything you do right, they say thanks, got some more?  Everything you do wrong, they rub your face in it, over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over &over again.  It's OK.  it's just Dad.  Who cares?

The doctor did ask me that, along with all the other questions, in the exam room, but the walls are paper thin.  You can hear everything from the waiting room.  I hate doctors.

I'm sorry to complain so much.  I think Kellie's doctor gave her that burn stuff, just samples to see if it did any good.  She doesn't like it.  I'm starting to not care.  I don't give a s**t.  I provide all of the money for the house, maintain everything, give everything I have, put myself last, enslave myself to my family, and all I get is disgruntled ingratitude.  Cancer sucks, life sucks, and nothing is fair.  I wish I had problems, I wish I could be the one taking handouts, maxing out my credit card, wrecking the car, losing my keys, never doing my homework, but oh no, I have to be the one that everyone can depend on, the one who makes sure the lights stay on, the bills all get paid, the boss is always happy, the cars always run.  It's a thankless eternity of stress on me so everyone else can be carefree and self-absorbed.  They can all laugh & have a blast while I have a heart attack.

And just when you think something is going to get better ... I feel like that guy in Bruce Almighty.  Thank you Lord for the rain.  Wait a minute - that's not rain!!

Makratz

Hang in there Mark.  Many days, I feel just like you do!  I'm sure others do as well.  Things will get better.  Go lock yourself in your bedroom for the night...with Kellie!

Racy

Mark, I don't know what else to suggest but I am still really worried about you. I think you would benefit greatly from finding a professional with whom you could talk about your problems and get some help to work out what you can do and support you to do it. I do believe there are things that you can do.



Are there any other husbands reading this who can offer some words of wisdom and support to Mark?



Mark, please keep in touch.

justagirl

Mark,

I guess I shouldn't butt in, but I have read your initial post and everything else that has been written.  If you keep going like you are and your life continues in chaos, you will either end up a drunk without a job or dead of a heart attack.  Not exactly good for you, your wife or your family.

You said before breast cancer you nor your wife were very neat, and children often follow our example.

NOW is the time for you to take charge.  You are the father and main income earner in your Home. I suggest you develop a plan for yourself and your children, and the 12 and 10 year old can participate too.  It's like those Nanny shows on tv - gaining control.

Obviously you or your wife will have to do the grocery shopping.  Get the younger kids to help plan and fix meals.  Hamburgers, meatloaf, stirfrys. Plan for 5 dinners in the week - give yourself a break and do take-out the other two nights.  If the kids won't or can't help with preparing the food, then they can set the table, pour drinks, afterward clear the table, load the dishwasher.  The 12 year old can wash dishes too.  If they use a glass or plate during the day, it goes in the dishwasher straight away or in the sink.

Laundry: a basket in the bathroom or bedroom or both. If they can't get it into the basket, it doesn't get washed. Do a load a day, throw in drier, and one of the kids, each week, can have the chore of folding and putting away.  Beds, once a week, strip sheets and get into laundry room.  You wash and dry.  Sort out and place on their beds - teach them how to make their beds with fresh sheets.  No sheets in the laundry on Saturday morning, then no clean sheets.  Towels, if hung up to dry can be used for a week.  No more single towel use (unless it's you or wifey).

This might be a start for you. A little order and help.  Also, with your wife having bc, what are you doing with so many people in your house every day?  After dinner should be a quiet zone for you and your wife.  You both deserve it.

Teaching your children to care, help and how to look after themselves is a kindness, not a punishment.  What I have detailed above would probably not take your 12 or 10 year old more than 20  minutes in a day but would make a world of difference to you and your wife.

And as to all these other people in your house, it's not your job or responsibility to feed them, clothe them or provide entertainment.

I'm surprised by what is going on in your life they haven't had to cart you off to the looney bin!

I'm sorry if I upset you with this but you need a new life-style plan.

Racy

How are you going, grandad911?

Makratz

Thinking of you all too, Mark.  Hope things are getting better for you all.

grandad911

Hi, I'm still alive.  Kellie's got 3 more boost rads (including today's, which should be in about 5 minutes) and then she's D O N E.  She's extremely appealing - like a banana.  Every day is a struggle to stay sane, supportive and employed, but things are slowly, ever so slowly getting better.  I look forward to a day when this is all behind us, either in this life or the next.  Thank you everyone for your prayers.  I started taking 5-htp, and it's really helped.  Expensive stuff, but I find myself actually doing things now instead of trying to drown out the world.  It's been over 2 weeks since I've been to the liquor store, so that's a small victory for me.

I don't know the religeous persuasion of the membership here, but the Bible says when  you're married, you're one flesh, right?  Well, when Kellie got sick, I got injured.  I have to give myself a chance to heal from this major, deep, painful ache in my heart - it's been there for almost a year, and I can't expect it to go away overnight, right?  Healing takes time.  I can see myself - and her, of course - making progress, ever so slowly, and it's frustrating and unfair, but it IS getting better, and it's easy to get impatient or mad, and waiting for it to heal is like watching grass grow...

Gotta go for now ...  Wife just texted me, two more to go!

-grandad911 aka "BarelyHangingInThereButNotDeadYetMark"

debbie6122

Mark- Glad you are taking care of yourself now and getting some help and staying strong  i will be counting down the rads with you and your dear wife-  Your in my prayers

Racy

Mark, glad you are taking one day at a time. Keep taking the medication if it's helping. Please keep in touch because we understand and care.

dogeyed

I just came across this thread, Mark, and realize that right now your wife is DONE with her rad treatment!  Hooray!  She will be very tired and sore for about one week, the burn keeps on burning that long. 

I'll give you a little insight into how come you as husband were falling apart.  Men have trouble not being in control of things, so here your wife gets a deadly disease, and there ain't one dang thing you can do about it.  Extremely frustrating, and when folks get good and mad about something and have no way to get rid of it, they turn it inward and become sad.  You said something about being done in December, so not sure what else they can do to your wife, but I CAN tell you that if rads was her last go-to TREATMENT, then as of this moment, the docs have done everything they can for her, and the way I looked at it is, RIGHT NOW I am healed.  I do not have cancer.  Oh, checkups and such, no big thing, really.  Fear of recurrence and such does pop up now and then, but it's simply a mind game to set it aside when possible.

I took two weeks off after my last treatment, which was rads, to cushion myself between treatment and going about returning slowly to my regular life.  I say slowly becuz after your wife and you have gone thru so much, you can't just suddenly pop up like a spring flower and say, "Wow, I feel great, I'm ready to become an astronaut."  Ha!  Nope, it's gradual.  But you know what, when all my cancer started, I had to tell my husband I was number one until all this was done.  So, after rads at some point, I finally told him, "You are now number one again."  And I slowly began to just talk to him about regular stuff we like, photography, gardening, just the little things that we do, and I also began to talk to him about daydreams.  I became the supporter to him, for he, just like you, was totally without interest in much of anything, so I knew becuz I was thinking of the future, I could pull him along with me.  So, not knowing your wife, I can tell you that that line of thinking and conversation from time to time is well-worth having, even tho it may not go anywhere for you, she will want to chat along happily about new stuff she can begin in a month or so, so YOU can do like I did and try to lead her out of the darkness.

Find a massage place, go get a massage.  Your gym may offer it or at least can refer you to one.  I recall one time years ago I had gotten myself into a real funk, and I could barely walk becuz my muscles were so tense.  I checked for a place inour local entertainment newspaper and also the phone book, and there was one that was located in a small mall.  Just a couple good treatments, with Swedish massage being the deep kind, and you'll feel so much better.  Also, get thyself to a pool, all YMCAs have them, water is therapeutic.  If your wife likes to swim, she might eventually want to join you.  Then you can do ordinary relaxing things, like a nice, long, uninterrupted hot bath (with bubbles).  You close that door and lock it, turn down the lights, fire up a few candles, and just float along in that environment until you get sick of it.  My husband does that all the time.  It's the only time he gets any real peace. 

As for how to take control of things, buy your wife some pretty flowers to look at while she's resting this first week out from rads.  Then buy her some pretty jewelry (nothing expensive, just sparkly), and when you give her that item, tell her you love her, you were so afraid for her, and you care.  And tell all those kids when they swarm into your home, there's going to be a new household rule.  On Friday (or Saturday or whatever), that is to be quiet day in the house until further notice.  All those of age are to make plans to do things away from the home, and when they get back, they are to quietly go to bed, you'll give them pocket money for dinner.  The youngest are to stay home, but be quiet as mouses, and you will have made their potluck meal and it will be in the refrigerator to just dish out and put on a plate, and they can eat it in front of the TV, but the set volume has to be kept down.  No running and yelling and screaming.  Mommy needs her quiet time and so does Dad.  If anybody gets bored, tell them to make their beds, straighten their rooms, take a bath, and tell the older ones they know perfectly well how to use a lawn mower and rake and sweep the porch and steps and walkways.  This is a man's job, to tell those kids to straighten up and fly right, for crying out loud, and be quiet on Fridays!

Hope some of this late-coming info will help you finally fly the self-made concern coop you got yourself into.  And if it's any consolation, after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my mother was so empathetic that she got a melanoma that had to come off (she's fine now), she wrecked her car (totaled it, but she's fine now), and in general had ye olde male pregnancy pains!  I've been on both sides of the situation, cancer just breaks down the door and comes in, it's a total shock.  But your past all that now.  You now begin to move from the sick family to the well family.  It won't be a perfectly smooth transition at all, it'll take about a month, but at least the Big C is gone now, so you can do whatever you want without fear.  GG   

Racy

Great post dogeyed!

grandad911

Thank you dogeyed for the post.  You're right, my wife's finished her rads and is in recovery now.  I say she's not completely done until December because that's when the port comes out.  One more surgery to go.  I really should change the topic to my wife HAD breast cancer, because the chiropractor and doctors have done everything they can; if that cancer is still there, then it's lying in a pool of blood gasping for breath ... (sorry, been watching the kids play some gory games lately).

Kellie's feeling much better now.  She's almost pain-free, and has been doing volunteer work at the charter school and back to her cheerful happy self.  The boost area still hurts/itches, and I have to be careful not to hug too hard or rub the wrong arm (where the nodes were removed), but things are improving.  One decision I made a long, long time ago was to be the family bread-winner, and God has allowed me to provide for my family while she stayed home, so thankfully we don't have to deal with her having to get back to work.  I say work; she probably has a harder "job" than I do, but she can relax during the day while the kids are at school.

You know, if there's one piece of advice that I can give, well, it's just the realization that life is precious and short, and if there's something you want to do, or even more importantly, if there's something that your wife has always wanted, and you have a chance to do it or get it or whatever, then NOW is the time.  We don't live forever, nor would I really want to.  And you're right, I can't control her cancer, but I can control a hammer.  I've been promising her a new kitchen for years and never seemed to have the time or money for it.  Well, for the past year I've been building the kitchen of her dreams.  I'm not done yet, but it really helped me to actually DO something, when I was feeling helpless, and my dad came over alot & encouraged me.  Installing pipes, wires, switches, cabinets, that's something I can do, and my wife loves it.  That, and being as involved as possible; I went to every appointment I could, as much for me as for her.  We went through this thing together, and together we're going to keep living our lives, cancer be damned!

It's also been helpful that my grown kids are out of the house.  I'm still waiting to see if they make their first rent payment; something always seems to come up.  Last week, someone broke into Juan's toolbox and stole a bunch of stuff.  But, it's not my problem, I've got plenty of my own, I don't need to solve world hunger.  My job, my only job, is my wife and our little boys.  In fact, my 24-year-old son heard that the upstairs room was empty, and asked if h could move in.  We said no.  It was hard to do, but we told him it's time for him to be an adult.  We'll help him out, but no more adults living with us, unless it's a true emergency, and NO breaking up with your girlfriend is NOT an emergency!

I guess I'm rambling again.  I was in a really bad way when I made that first post.  Writing helps me; good therapy...

Here's the new kitchen.  I started with the stove-side; I still have the sink side to do.  Oak cabinets, all plywood, finished & installed by yours truly, plus all new wiring & plumbing.  Kellie picked them out; just got the knobs and pulls on last week.  The countertops are temporary, just some plywood for now.  Eventually I'm going to put in some shiny black concrete.  The handsome boy is my son Jasper.  He's 12, almost as tall and darn near as strong as I am.

http://www.ls1m.com/demo/newkitchen.jpg 

Thanks again. oh, one more ramble and I'll shut up.  I was at the store yesterday and saw some "save the boobies" bracelets for sale.  I should have said something.  You know, not only is that a reminder of a disease I wish I could forget, but I doubt much if any of the sale price of that bracelet actually goes to research, and anyway it just says a woman's only value is in her glands, and that just isn't true.  Maybe it should be supporting lumpectomy research; I just think it's stupid, and I wish they'd stop selling that crap.  

-Mark

Makratz

Mark!  So happy to hear the positiveness (is that a word??) in your post.  Things are turning around and I am so happy for you all! Keep at that Kitchen, it's great therapy.  Again, I am so happy for you all.  Please stay in touch!

fmakj

Great to hear from you Mark.  Just thought I would mention that for about 6 - 8 months after radiation, I was getting very sharp pains in the radiated breast. I was told that this was because all the nerves were healing.  So am not sure if it was due to the radiation or the actual surgery.  It was very annoying, but it did go away in time.  Just wanted you to know that it is normal should it happen!

Great to hear that you have found a way to help work through everything..... and a new kitchen to boot!!  I agree that you have to enjoy every day as much as you can, because life really is too short!  Take care!

dogeyed

Great kitchen, Mark, love the cabinets and stove I could see in the pic.  I thought you were so funny when you said you can't solve world hunger!  Ha!  Well, you've done the hardest part now, and soon braveheart you and your dear wife shall be free again.  GG

grandad911

What do you do when your irresponsible playboy son sits on your doorstep at 2:30am and wants to come in & sleep? Sorry, I'm having a bit of difficulty.  I wish i could share his cell phone number with everyone, so you could all call him & tell him that it's not right to be 24 years old and sleep in your 10-year-old brother's race car bed, then wake up and go, Oh man! I didn't know you went to Taco Bell?  where's mine?

I was doing so well, too.  I was down to two tall beers a day, but as soon as ole Dave showed up, back to the liquor store, back to drinking, back to wishing I was dead or man enough to kill...... (actually, I aready did kill someone, a long time ago, and let me tell you, it's no fun.  Just fillsyour li9fe with regeretyt and pain and sorrow.  I will nevr, ever ever ever ever forgive myself for that), and it's not enohgh to tell him to leave.  I have to yell it or he won't understand.  I didn't want another one of my adlult children moving in upstairs so I turned upstairs into an excerci9wse room and decided to practice tennis at around noon yesterday.  bang bang boom bangt whack!  I heard him downstairs, all freaking out What was that noise? what's going on?

it'll be OK.  Little playboy vagrant charmer is going to work in a few hours, and I'll have the biggest headache of my life soon. Kellie's doing great!  We celebrated our anniversary yesterday.  I love that woman more than words can describe.  I took her out to eat seafood on the water - well, next to the water, otherwise our food would get all wet.  I'm just chronic.  That means something bothers you for more than 6 months, Right?  Well, when Kellie got pregnant with David, her boyfriend - you probably don't want to hear this, so just delete this post, it won't hurt my feelings - well, she had just gotten pregnant, and the father was my best friend.  He brought her over to meet me, and he couldn't handle reality, so he took off, and I raised David as my own, I loved her, I loved her baby, everything was wonderful; hard, but wonderful.  I remembr having to bang on the walls to get the mice to shut up, and we each got $5 of spending money every 2 weeks after expenses, but we were together, and that's all that mattered...

Fast frward 24 years, little baby is all grown up, flunked out of or got kicked out of every schhool we put him in, has no car, no posessions - john lennon would be proud - and is sucha charmer, everywhere he goes he has girls fawning over him, stay here, come home with me, I love you you're so awesome!  girls are either idiiots, or DAvid is a majician.  Is it wrong to call the cops on my own son??  He'd probably charm them too.

It doesn't matter.  it's after 12 on Sunsday, which means they serve beer at the local stores, so I'll be nursing a 24-oz Tilt while I wonder where I went wrong and wishing for death, which I've done every night since he came back.  Please don't tell me what to do; I've heard enough of that.  Tell HIM what to do.  Tell HIM that he shouldn't be without a job, or a car, or any money, or any ambition, or a plan or ANYTHING.  I just don't understand it.  He can have whatever he wants, all he has to do is smile & play his guitar - well, it's actually not his; I bought him a beautiful guitar and amp, but of course he lost it, he's playing one my daughter bought with HER OWN MONEY ... and they all fawn over him.  Free food, room, board, anything he wants, he just has to change girls evry couple of weeks when they figure out he's not reliable, or bipolar, and ....

I'm going off-topic here.  Ahem.... Being the husband of a wife with breast cancer has many, many challenges.  Not only is the disease a potent source of pain and fear, but it makes it difficult or nearly impossible to deal with all of live's other problems (children).  I hope that one day I can offer someone some really good advice, but right now, I'd like everyone to chime in & give advice to my oldest son; what can you say to a 24-year-old child who is so popular he doesn't see the need to grow up?  Why work, when people give you stuff for free?

grandad911

Well, I dun gone dun it now.  I dun becum a alcoholic.  Shooot....

Once Kellie became cancer-free and ended her treatment, all the relief and emotions that I'd held in for the past year just drove me more & more to the bottle.  I never thought it could happen to me.  Caretakers beware, eventually you'll have to own up to the fact that it's your shaky hand spilling that drink.  I can't blame the cancer any more.  Alcohol was ruining my life.  I have whole weekends that are just a blur.  Thank God I came to my senses before I hurt myself or someone else.  Note: my breathalizer probably saved my life on several occasions!

I've been sober for 10 days now.  It hasn't been easy.  I've been swallowing my emotions for so long, I'm having to re-learn how to express myself.  The first couple of days were filled with shaky hands, body jerks, chest pain and nightmares, but it's much better now.  If I can just keep my hands from trying to jerk the wheel into the liquor store parking lot ... so far so good ... hey, if I can make it through Christmas without a drink, the rest of the calendar should be easy.  I have to say, though, self-control is EXHAUSTING!  I almost gave up a dozen times...

Kellie is doing great.  She's getting a little pain now and then, but I understand that's kind of normal a month or so after treatment.  With her hair growing out and having never lost that smile of hers, she's looking better than ever.  She says she itches a little, maybe the start of a minor yeast infection (is that possible), but no biggie.  If it gets to be a problem, we'll make a dr appt.  For now, it's just nice to wake up and not be in a panic - what happened last night?  Did I do something wrong? Is Kellie OK?  I don't remember - come on, think, dammit!

<sigh> those days are over... dear God give me the strength to make it just one more day... You've seen me through so much... please don't leave me now...

Thanks for listening... 

-Mark