I say yes, you say no, OR People are Strange

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  • riley702
    riley702 Member Posts: 1,600
    edited June 2011

    OK, I have to get in on the jokes...

    Do you know the difference between "naked" and "nekkid"?

    Naked is when you have no clothes on.

    And nekkid is when you have no clothes on and you're up to something!

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  • lewing
    lewing Member Posts: 1,288
    edited June 2011

    Oh my gosh, Jancie, no wonder that sauce is so good: 2 sticks of butter!!  (I've made a similar sauce - just canned tomatos, butter and onion for flavor - and it *is* amazing how those simple ingredients can be transformed.  Almost like magic!)

    Athena and Riley702  - chuckling at your definitions.

    L 

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011

    Riley, loved that. And I am sitting here nekkid. Bye now.

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  • bluedahlia
    bluedahlia Member Posts: 6,944
    edited June 2011

    I'm always nekkid.....in my mind.  hehehehehe!

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  • Ellie1959
    Ellie1959 Member Posts: 316
    edited June 2011
    A woman goes to a psychiatrist - he listen's to her for a while - when she ask's what he thinks -he say's "I think you are crazy" She wants a second opinion so he says " O.K., you are ugly too!" Bad, I know but the only one I can come up with right now - Foot in mouth
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  • bluedahlia
    bluedahlia Member Posts: 6,944
    edited June 2011

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female......Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male..........Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
    Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
    Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
    Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
    Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
    Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011

    Blue, hysterical.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2011

    funniest jokes I've ever read...just the best...wish I had one to add, but please keep them up!  The best medicine - esp. Love definition of "beans"

    reading this thread is the perfect way to start the day!

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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited June 2011
    Blue - love the definitions!  Like Sunflower - nice to wake up and read jokes in the morning - just seems to start the day off right. Laughing
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  • covertanjou
    covertanjou Member Posts: 569
    edited June 2011

    This is quite long but worth reading:

    One Woman's Tale of Woe All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.  I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!Butt?? Sealed shut!I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. 

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and

    OH MY GOD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. 

    It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. " It works!! IT WORKS!! " I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. 
    Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color...... 

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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited June 2011
    OMG - too damm funny!!!  I remember reading this years ago and maybe that is why I have always been too chicken to get a brazilian wax. Surprised
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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited June 2011

    Speaking of brazilian wax jobs - I had chemo and figured "hey, I will get that wax job I was always too scared of getting"  NOT!!!  I swear I am the only one that had a reverse brazilian.  The hair left in the middle but stayed on the sides where you normally shave!  I lost all my freaking hair but in that area.  NOT FAIR!

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  • PattyS
    PattyS Member Posts: 534
    edited June 2011

    Janice....thanks for sharing the recipe. Smile

    I am really enjoying the jokes.....keep em coming.

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  • bluedahlia
    bluedahlia Member Posts: 6,944
    edited June 2011
    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
    parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
    the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a
    pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
    territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
    survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
    and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops She
    shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
    more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
    Iraqi with her bare hands."

    "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
    your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

    "Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"

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  • revkat
    revkat Member Posts: 763
    edited June 2011

    Oh no, Janice, you are not the only one.

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011

    Mary and Blue, LMAO. Jancie, if it is bad it usually happens to me. I am like the cartoon guy with the gray cloud over his head.

    Here's my contribution:

    A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a
    store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
    "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

    The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
    street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

    The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
    preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
    Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

    The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
    don't even know the way to the post office!"

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited June 2011
    Barbara - see? You do have a sense of humor! Wink
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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011
    Well, maybe a little. Surprised
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  • RetiredLibby
    RetiredLibby Member Posts: 1,992
    edited June 2011

    Update that says nothing:  talked to the radiologist's office.  The lab called, said they have to do a "special stain" -- a diagnostic tool -- won't be ready for 24 hours.  Results expected tomorrow.  I'm so tired I hope I sleep tonight.

    Stay tuned - next episode tomorrow.

    Thanks, friends, for your support!

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  • crazy4carrots
    crazy4carrots Member Posts: 5,324
    edited June 2011

    Still expecting B9 news, HL!  But fingers crossed anyway!  Ativan helps, BTW!

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  • 1Athena1
    1Athena1 Member Posts: 6,696
    edited June 2011

    We'll definitely stay tuned. What a drag that they couldn't give you definite results today.

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011

    Aww, Libby. I have everything crossed for you!

    I work for a consulting company and a friend sent this to me:

    Consulting Demotivator

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  • crazy4carrots
    crazy4carrots Member Posts: 5,324
    edited June 2011
    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
    Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
    Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
    Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
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  • sewingnut
    sewingnut Member Posts: 1,129
    edited June 2011

    Everyone,  thanks for the giggles today....=;0)

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  • bluedahlia
    bluedahlia Member Posts: 6,944
    edited June 2011

    I have lots more, but some may offend so just gonna hold off on those.

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  • jancie
    jancie Member Posts: 2,631
    edited June 2011
    I don't just get giggles from this thread Wink
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  • kira1234
    kira1234 Member Posts: 3,091
    edited June 2011

    This thread is just so funny. Thanks for the gut wrenching laughs.

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  • bluedahlia
    bluedahlia Member Posts: 6,944
    edited June 2011

    We're all waiting with you HL.

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  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited June 2011

    OK, back to important stuff. Dinner tonight is a redfish I caught off my dock 10 minutes ago. ( I hate cleaning them but oh well.)  Baked with butter(hormone free), lemon and capers. Plus organic wild rice topped with sauteed bok choy, garlic and mushrooms.

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  • apple
    apple Member Posts: 7,799
    edited June 2011

    y'all are going to have try mashed rutabagas with butter..  They are hard to peel and cut, but easy to boil and eat.

    yum

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