Sorry that your family is having to go through this especially at a young age!  Sometimes there is just no fairness to things. 

I did not have chemo so can't really answer any questions on what would have helped there!  Hopefully some of the others that have been there will be along shortly with some help for you.

In my experience things my husband did that helped...

Went to EVERY appointment with me! Things are much easier to bear when you're not alone. Plus really helpful to have an extra set of ears.

Listened when I spoke of my fears and didn't try to down-play them and placate me by saying "It would all be OK" when we had no way of knowing.  Simply said, "We will get through this together"

Realized that there were some times during treatment that it was all I could do to "deal with what I had to" .  He jumped in to pick up the slack where ever he could.

He remembered and celebrated the treatment milestones!!  I completed all treatment on the date of our wedding anniversary and when I arrived home there were 28 roses in a vase on the table.  We had only been married 21 years so I couldn't figure out the '28' until I read the card... it was one rose for every week from the day of my diagnosis until completion of treatment!!

He is my best friend and truly was my ROCK throughout! 

Hope this helps! 

You are a very caring husband and I'm sure your wife greatly appreciates all you are doing for her.  It all seems so overwhelming and scary in the beginning but things do get better.  I can't believe I will be three years out this May.  My husband went through everything with me..... every appointment, treatment and even wig shopping.  Without him I don't know how I would have made it through.  He also cleaned and cooked.  Just keep doing what you are doing.  I do remember feeling pretty sick  on day three and four after a chemo treatment. Like Jenn said.... remember to take care of yourself.  And thanks for being such a great husband!

rupe-  From what I can see, you are doing everything beautifully.  You are trying to keep things "normal" at home, when your wife may be unable to.  For me, the most important thing my DH did was just be near in case I needed him.  Like you, he went to each chemo with me, got gingerale or anything I wanted, got me home and settled down to rest.  I appreciated most that he did not try to "take over" my treatment or decisions.  We certainly talked about everything, but he always said "it is up to you".  We have a 12 YO and it was so important for me not to have his life disrupted and to not have him frightened.  My DH made sure he was busy.  When my friends asked what they could do, I always said "keep my son happy and busy".  He is a bit older than yours, but was constantly busy in playdates and sleepovers!  This helped me to just collapse and rest on the days after chemo.  I can see how caring you are.  I think you will see that when you and your wife get through to the other side of this treatment you will have an unshakeable closeness.  Bless you and your family.

As far as eating, I found the only things that didn't taste funny to me were watermelon, frozen things like sherbet, and I could drink grape juice or grape kool aid.

I spent a long time online looking at wigs, and my son gave a great suggestion.  He told me to have fun with it, try more than one style or highlights, and what the heck, get a blue one if I wanted to!  Everyone said to trim my hair short before I lost it, very good advice that I did not take, I was determined to be the 1% that miraculously kept my hair. Hahaha!  When it fell out and I looked like a mad scientist I was upset at not following the advice.

Find humor in everything, if and when she tries to answer the remote and change the station with the phone, and loses everything, play with it.  My husband and I still get a laugh out of some of the things I still do, and a good attitude really helps more than anything in treatment.  And hide any unbecoming photos of her during treatment until after when she's strong enough to look at herself.  I didn't, and was unprepared when my kids asked who that bald guy was sitting on the porch on the first day of school, but now I laugh like crazy over it.

And really, just come to terms with the fact that there will be some days that she may not be happy at all no matter what you do, but you're still there.  We all feel alone at one time or another, even though we are surrounded by loved ones and never lonely.  Distraction is awesome, it keeps you from being consumed.  Just let her know you are there, and you love her no matter what happens to her body, and you will beat this together.

And when you are worn down and don't feel well, remember we are all here to help you through!

First of all, I am sorry your wife is going through this...and you too!  I know how hard this is.  I also want to say I think you are incredibly sweet and considerate - I can tell that by the fact that you are here looking for ways to support your dear wife. 

 I had chemo #1 on 3/2 and felt fine until 3-6 days after.  I had my neulasta shot the day after chemo.  I started getting lots of body aches on days 3/4/5 - like the flu.  On day 6 I woke up at 2am with horrible, shooting bone pain that took my breath away.  I tried tylenol and baths and nothing really helped much.  I just was uncomfortable. 

I just did my second round of chemo on 3/22 and have been completely fine this time.  This time I started taking Aleve and Claritin daily since the day after chemo (the day I got the neulasta shot).  It has made a tremendous difference!  I had read online that the claritin works (no one knows why) so I asked my doc if I could take some...she said yes.  I am SOOO glad!  See if your wife's doc is OK with her taking it. 

As far as things that help me......I like when my husband is affectionate and tells me he loves me.  I like when he does sweet little things...small flowers or card.  If he brings me a snack or makes sure I am drinking my water ( I also drink tons of water starting the day before chemo and days following to flush the chemo out of my body).  One night he planned a surprise date for us...with overnight baby sitter and hotel too!  I was shocked...it was nice to take a break from cancer and feel like a normal couple again.  I guess the best thing though is just him hugging me at night.  I feel like no matter how much he is there for my BC is very lonely...those hugs mean a lot.  Good luck to you and your wife.  I hope all goes well.  If you have questions, PM me...I am happy to help.  Hugs to you both!

Rupejr,

I am so sorry your family have to go trough this, but you have found  a wonderful site to get help  and information.

I would very much recommend the book "Breast Cancer Husband" - How to help your wife and yourself during diagnoses, Treatment and Beoyond,  by Marc Silver.

http://www.amazon.com/Breast-Cancer-Husband-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/1579548334

Rupe-I thought of another thing.  As you said your wife was very particular about keeping her house clean and you were trying to do it for her.  There is a wonderful organization that arranges for a local housecleaner in your area to do FREE housecleaning for 6 months (I believe) if someone is undergoing chemo.  The website is http://www.cleaningforareason.org/cancerpatients.html  I know they have a tremendous amount of requests, so sometimes you have to come back a few times as they have "filled up".  I know if it were me, I would rather have some professional cleaning person taking care of my house and my husband playing with my kid.

I know you feel like you need to DO things for your wife, I just wanted to share that, for me, just my DH being available and near was enormous. After the months of surgery, chemo, rads, I thanked him.  He looked at me puzzled and said "I didn't do anything".  He probably will never know just how important his "doing nothing" was for me, I can't imagine having gone through this without him.

PS - just have to add - re-reading this thread brought tears to my eyes, reading all the wonderful loving things our husbands have done.

Especially Seaside, yours with the roses. SO romantic and special!

RUPE - AMlystrong and anf dm are right --I wouldn't eat unless something was put in front of me. The best was mashed potatoes&almost burnt toast with butter. All my surgeries it was mashed potatoes that tasted the best. Wonder if anyone has done a study on this.

Have you read the thread I suggested? You should, I'll bug you until you say you did. Remember it was trial by fire and 2 of us had cancer at one time . His was dx'd 3 months after mine. Truly sucked. 

When the two of you are up to it read"OMG they found the cure for STUPID". It's a site that only people that are dx'd with cancer can understand. It's funny, ridiculous.outrageous.  It's equal to 2nd city or the early days of Sat. night live.

As you have already have learned is cancer sucks........if no one has prepared you for this---some people you thought were close will dissapear--others will come forward. The ones that dissapear ----cluck'em(you will only get that by reading OMG). I had 2 friends dissapear--one of 31 years and the other of about 5years . The 31 year one we supported her through untold trouble. The 5 year one, she had cancer, so iI don't get that one.   

Let me know when you have read the thread I suggested---SHeila

Rupe-  Another thought.  Your wife may actually qualify for temporary disability if she wants to take time off from work while she has chemo, especially if she has worked there that long.  You can check with your state.  I also had another thought as you say you have a 4 YO.  I know of one BC lady who had a young child.  When she began to lose her hair from chemo, the 3 YO didn't understand and asked "will I lose my hair, will I catch your sickness"?  Of course the mom reassured her.  You might want to ask some of the moms with young kids how to help your little one, or even a therapist.

Rupe --so glad you read the thread--, I hate being a bug.

The garbage they are giving you wife at work may be against the law . Fmla.There are sections on the main boards about work issues. The problem with alot of this STUFF is by the time you truly understand it , time has passed and you may have missed out on things etc.  Try and get a copy of the illness rules ,medical leave of absence, FMLA rules from her work. IF they have greater than 50 employees they have to follow federal guidelines. In the ring binders I discussed, In the work binder, is the place that you want to put all communications from her work. Because they are giving her a hard time keep a diary with dates and times with what was said. Please share what field she is in. Not place just field of work. It will help all of us offer advice.

There have been some huge FMLA lawsuits because employers did not follow the law and there own written policies. Is it her boss giving her a hard time or human resources. If it's human resources, that makes it much more difficult . There the ones supposed to be watching , that the rules are followed. BUT if it's her boss, gather your info in sequence and take it to HR. If her direct boss IS NOT following corporate policy---that boss is in deep cow cakes. Don't be afraid to go to HR because if this boss tries to retaliate ---there in even deeper cow cakes.  Documenting and keeping the diary is a pain, but it trust me it is to your benefit.

AS Fuzzylemon said join us on OMG----even if you just do it. it will be a good diversion.  Start at page one otherwise it won't make sense.

There are spiritual threads that you can follow. I'm on the Catholic thread, but it is accepting of all faiths as long as everyone respects everyone else. 

FUZZY---- JVand Tink are there too. There are some pretty awesome people there.

What I perceive is that members follow a few threads. Each thread meeting a certain need. On OMG I sit there and where a tin hat and we spout off with the greatest nonsense. On the Catholic Thread we meet each fri. for prayers at 10 pm.  The ladies here I would surmise, were drawn here because your thread said you needed help. Each woman here has given you great advice, from their own experience. Branching out, you may find there a few other threads that meet a need you hadn't thought about. Keeping up with more than 4-6 is to much. The people on each thread become like a mini family or social group. This is very important to our well being emotionally and physically, during such protracted periods of isolation. What is common to all is that we have somehow been touched by cancer. Either directly or with a family member. If you run into a group that is negative or bickering ---fly like the wind away from them.

Don't be surprised that your son wants his hair buzzed too. If he does let him. It will grow back. If you are doing it in support of your wife---he will want to be like mommy and daddy. Don't deny him.

L&H's sheila

Cool  Rupe, First time I saw a moderator pop in and make a suggestion. Very cool.

I had a terrible time with the neulasta shot too. They switched me to neupagen and it made a world of difference. Neulasta is the long acting form of neupagen. I had to do 2 shots of neupagen two days apart, but they let me do it at home. I went from writhing in pain to relatively normal.

Maybe your doc will do this too.