please help
Comments
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You done good sweetie!!
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THANKS BARBE,
Ed & I have been staying busy with major house cleaning and down sizing STUFF for garage sale weekend in 2wks.
I am having a little anxiety over the get together next weekend, not sure why, last time we all were together was Christmas, my tummy is turning thinking there is gonna be issues. Guess it's the worry wart in me. I spoke to Amanda this AM, she said Landen was acting awful, kicking Ella with his shoes, pushing her etc, etc. He was good Friday when they were here after school outside of using the G Damit again. Maybe thats my anxiety, that behavior is not acceptable by me & PA-PA thinking that maybe if we speak to it if it happens here SIL will take issue - now that he's in CONTROL again. Oh well we shall see.
Amanda's B'day is actually tomorrow, a few weeks ago sge said I don't know if anyone is getting me anything for my B'day - they don't have to, but if they do, please get gift cards to the grocery store. I wasn't even comfortable with the gift card thing this year, I know how they buy groceries, Steak, Sushi, expensive stuff they can't afford. So we went shopping and bought stuff, pasta, sauces, soups, PBJ,tuna, eggs etc, etc, We have even wrapped it. When she is at an appointment tomorrow going to take it to her apartment and with a B'day balloon and cake I made decorate her table with it. I don't think I have ever bought anyone food for a gift before. Ed even bought a can of SPAM, in every poor mans cupboard he said- LOL
HAPPY SUNDAY ALL - XOXOXOXOXOXOX
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Cathia, that was PERFECT!!! You listened to her and responded accordingly. Rather than hand her money, or a gift card you gave her what she both needed and wanted!! You done good!! Yet again!!
It will be interesting to see if Landon acts up in front of you and Ed...hmmm.
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Cathi, perfect response! If Landen does act up, it will be interesting to see if he turns to his parents to see if it is OK, or he turns to you as he will realize he is at MiMa's house and the rules are different. Hope all goes well. Karen
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Great idea for the gift of groceries. The church I am a member of has a food pantry and I am now the manager of it, we bring basic pantry items to store at the church. When someone requests help from the pantry, I pack up the shelf items from the pantry and spend another 50-60 at the grocery for perishable items. We don't do gift cards for the same reason you don't want to give one to amanda, we don't want the money spent on unnecessary items. We help each family once every 6 months so they don't end up depending on us for groceries every month. My son actually wants me to keep spam in in the cubard, he likes it chopped up in a bowl of mac and cheese.
Sheila
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Shelia my mom actually used to make a SPAM salad, cheap version of ham salad it was VERY YUMMY. The food pantry right here by me at the church kinda operates the same way. I just wanted to try and make sure Landen & Ella had stuff mostly, I am glad she asked for something like that but they are poor shoppers, I shop the flyers and use coupons always have, so she is ending up with maybe twice as much as she would have had I given her a gift card.
We did good I think.
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You definitely did good! Cathi, you need to try and relax for the get together as if you are tied up in knots anticipating trouble, trouble usually follows. Try to enjoy the fact that you have the babes under your roof if only for a little while.......and as far as allowing or not allowing bad behaviour and maybe not saying anything should it occur, the bottom line is, it's your home and you are the boss and bad behaviour is unacceptable. ((((((hugs)))))) to you, you can do this!
love n hugs. Chrissy
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And maybe asshole SIL can learn by watching how you deal with it! I DEFY him to say a friggin' word!
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Well done girl!
I know it's not quite the same, but I had a similar experience with my deceased brother (who was also my next door neighbour)
Charles was a very high earner all his life - he bloody raced through the ranks of the Civil Service - and was spoilt all of his life by the family. He had poliomylitis as a toddler and there was nothing denied him.
To cut a VERY long story short, he set up his own training company, with money left to him by my grannie and the rug was pulled from under him by the Thatcher government. They got most of the funding from central government, and their funding body was dissolved. Actually, a kind of similar thing happened to the charity I ran.
Anyhow, from being a high earning director, he was bankrupted overnight. He paid all his creditors and wages outstanding. He kept all of this secret for months, and was borrowing off everyone - me a lot. It was sometimes high amounts - £1000, till his pension came through (he got a handsome pension from the Civil Service)
The money was never repaid, of course. He was, as we say here "on the bones of his arse". In debt to his armpits. But because he had never not had money,he was always asking for it. To me, my brother, my auntie ..
Eventually, I did a double shop on Friday. Bought staples - washing up liquid, loo paper, bleach, beans, tinned fish, fruit, tea, milk, cat food and litter, some frozen meals etc. Because if I gave him £20 he would spend it on cigaretts (which killed him) or a few pints at the local pub.
He told me when he was sinking that he meant to thank me more, but was so angry that his financial decline consumed him. Sorry, feeling a bit weepy.
But you did what I did Cathi. Provided the basics to allow them to live, and support them.
Charles used to say that buying these things was partonising, I said I wasn't going to work to pay for his beer and cigs (which are - thank god - extremely expensive here)
I thought I was doing the right thing. I know I did. And so did you Cathi.
I can't believe I have just expressed this! Will have to post it before I erase it.
Thanks girls (and Ed) - well done Cathi.
Nets xx
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Nettie it was great that you took control of the situation to make sure that he got what he needed without allowing him to blow any money. When my hubby was laid off 8 yrs ago, for Christmas, his sister took me to the grocery store (of her choosing) to purchase groceries for us as a present. Me being frugal and not knowing how much she was planning on spending, only purchased the basics, she threw a couple of packages of steak that I normally wouldn't have purchased into the buggie and said that she was wanting to help us.
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It's hard to accept "charity" no matter what position you are in in life, but you each know that if you could help someone, you'd do it again. But in Nettie's case, her bro was using everyone to maintain a lifestyle to which he didn't deserve at that point. Glad you caught on Nettie, you did the right thing, and how hard that must have been to post! Sheila, I've been offered help at times as well, and it's hard to know just how much they plan on spending. I'd be like you...the basics, so as to not look greedy, but that was nice of your SIL, I'm sure she felt very good being able to help.
My bros and sis like to live high and I just can't spend that kind of money. Sometimes they will pay for Paul and I to join them, and other times not. It's hard to say no - like going to Vegas for my bros 50th birthday last year - as I hope they don't think we expect them to pay! They didn't offer so we felt better saying no.
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Nettie you did good, THE RIGHT THING. As I feel now we have. It was a hard decision what if anything to do this year, she made it easy by mentioning the food gift card, in all honesty aside from a card we did not even acknowledge SIL B'day back in Nov, but he indulged himself enough then, as usual. We actually just got back from the apartment, had some things that needed to go into the frig, so Ed did that, much to our surprise there was a 12 pack of opened beer in there, PER DCF and their probation NO ALCOHOL, but it is not my place to bring it up. THEY ARE ADULTS.
We are pretty frugile too I think ,we have our moments maybe from time to time, but even going out to eat when we do it's not the big fancy places, and I rank myself a VERY GOOD shopper, Ed too for that matter. Now we are being even more careful, the auction has not completely cut off $$$$ for the dealers, but they have downsized the amount which cuts back the # of cars that can be purchased, which in turn cuts profit,
Shelia that was a wonderful gift.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXO TO ALL .
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Cathi, the auctions are going to start hurting if they don't ease off their restrictions! When they start to hurt, Ed and other loyal customers will probably be offered a good deal.
So you know they have alcohol in the house.....can you send the authorities in for a surprise visit? Let them find out if it's for "company" or they are consuming it. Idiot!!!!! If you looked further, who knows what you might find.....drugs?
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IDIOTS, is the exact word Ed used. They have at least 4 visits per week and that inckudes 3 from the childrens case and 1 from their probation officer. Ed says we will just let life take it's natural coarse on this one, because we can't prove he /she is drinking it, so I guess thats what we will do for now anyway.
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CALLING ALL SISTER FOR ADVICE- AGAINNNNNNNNNN
So we had the B'bq today, about 1:30 Amanda & family pull in driveway, only Amanda and children come in house, I didn't see her face right away -was fiddling with something, when I saw SIL back out of driveway, thought they forgot something, I said wheres he going, looked up and Amanda is crying her eyes out. Her response I don't know, he says married life and kids aren't for him. Need I say UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. Of coarse we have other company at this time, Landen & Ellla look like they have been crying as well. I cuddle them up a bit, hugs & kisses and then they are ready to go play with everyone else out in the back yard.
So I get to listen to Amanda for awhile, apparently he has been telling her for the last week, this life isn't for him, She says they haven't been fighting, not sure that I believe that one bit. I have picked Landen & Ella up from school this week, everyone was telling me I was just being WORRIED ME-MA, but I kept saying they are diffrent - they look so sad.
Anyway today SIL is down at Shepards it's a big crazy wild drinking beach bar and it's spring break now, I don't think I need to explain more. He actually called her a couple times today, she went inside and of coarse I followed through and ease dropped, apparently he took the last of their money with them, I could here him screaming at her over the phone - etc, etc. And I am unable to fix any of this. I knew this jerk was not going to change.
She wanted to go home against my better judgement, she went Jaclyn took her and the children up a little while ago - and I am freaking out.
Ed and I are beside ourselfs, do we call the case worker and tell her, this is a time bomb waiting to explode. Amanda told Jaclyn she was ready to give up and just kill herself, even if he comes home all I AM SORRY HONEY- its a ticking bomb.
HELP
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Cathi, this is a tough call to make. He has made his feelings known about his feelings about being married. I know you tried your best to try and keep her from going back to sil. Hopefully she will know when to call for help before anything too bad happens. I will continue to pray for them.
Sheila
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Thanks Shelia, Its so hard to not have control be able to fix all this, guess thats the maternal side. But my daughter needs so much more help then what we can give her in any form. Her self esteem, self worth, belief in herself is nill. And honestly, I would not put it past her to try and do something to herslf as a last ditched attempt at saving what she thinks is a marriage. She has drove me nuts and really pissed me off these past months, but she is hurting so bad right now it's killing me inside. And I know that I have to wait for her to askk for the help- I can't rush in , because I can't fix it. But I really feel this is it, she has to step up now or something really bad is going to happen.
I so feel like I am just going to keel over from all of this
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Okay, sorry I missed this yesterday. Was busy at work! Here's my take.
Do what you're doing and ignore this and see it repeated month after month, dragging you along in the drama and scraping the kids along with you.
Call the authorities (not police, the kids advocates or whatever) and have them intervene.
Put Amanda under psychiatric care. They can hold her for assessment where she can't leave. She said she was going to kill herself. A story from up here? A young mother said that. No one listened, but the husband was spinning because SHE had custody and he'd been telling everyone she was nuts. What did she do? She videoed herself drowining her 2 kids (1 1/2 and 2 1/2) in the bathtub and laid them out dead on the bed. All the time recording it saying "You're not going to get them!" She didn't hurt herself. Now the husband doesn't even have joint custody as his kids are dead. What do you want to do?
Cathi? The time is NOW!
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I know Barbe, I am calling case worker in the AM or the emergeny one today if need be. Amanda is a danger to herself for sure, I know that, she is VERY emotionally unstable, I have not yet spoke with her this AM, she did have a Txt conversation with Jaclyn a bit ago and he did not come home all night. He is is big violation of his probation, and I can bet if he were drug tested today it would be positive. This is seriously a bad sisituation right now, and I am on pins and needles. I know I have to step back from Amanda and allow her to HELP HERSELF, but we are the only voice for Landen & Ella and that is why we have decided to report this to her. See I told yeah all I had a feeling about this weekend Bbq, but really didn't expect this - I expected this stuff to happen - SIL getting over the FAMILY thing, but not quite this quickly, children will only have been back 2 weeks Tuesday.
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Cathi, just got back from a short trip and am catching up on the boards. If Amanda mentioned taking her life, you should call the caseworker and guardian ad litem (if they have an emergency no.), and make the call today so neither the kids or Amanda are at risk. Whenever there is a threat or mention of a plan, as a preschool teacher we were under state law to phone the department of social services and advise them of a threat to take her own life and we were to do it immediately so someone can get to Amanda and assess the situation. sending prayers your way, Karen
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I wish I could run away bury my head in the sand, some say call, some say don't call, I can't make a decision, Ed and I know we can't possibly physically raise these children for the rest of our lives. I know I should call, I am so stupid, some stupid little part of me say oh maybe it will be ok tomorrow, I know it's not, I knew it never would be. I lived her life, I know. Maybe I am as crazy as she is.
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Cathi, it doesn't mean you'll raise them. It means you'll get rid of the idiot. She'll raise them on her own. Just like you did with your girls, she just won't take as long to split.
Get a restraining order if you have to on the idiot.
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Cathi, you know that there will have to be intervention for Amanda's safety and the safety of the kids. The sooner that happens, the sooner things will start to get better. You know that you need to make the call even if it feels like the hardest thing you've ever had to do.
Remember that you have lots of love and prayers behind you.
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Thanks all. I made the call, not sure where it will lead otr what will happen, the case worker that Landen & Ella have had through all this is moving on after this week, she has a visit at the apartment and school scheduled. She is going to give SIL's probation officer a call as well. As far as other stuff, she is going to try and speak to Amanda alone, but she knows Amanda well, and expects her to say ALL IS WELL, she is also going to speak with the counselor they see bi-wwekly on Fridays now. CW said she knows it's hard and she believes that the home could possibly be a bad place for Landen & Ella, however at this point her hands are legally tied, without Amanda speaking up, or an INCIDENT happening or a failed drug test, stuff like that they can't just waltz in and remove the children from one or both of them. She is recommending CLOSER TABS on them from the new case worker and reunification team. And as hard as it's going to be, we have to STEP BACK, I know you all have been saying that, but she even means as far as picking the kids up from daycare ' they have to fiqure these things out" and fail if they are going to fail. That part even bothered Ed, he wants to be able to see Landen & Ella,, we know them better than anyone. So her suggestion is not 5 days a week. As far as Amanda making suicide threats, apparently they have a way of addressing that as well . So thats that, Because it was already planned, I'll be picking Landen & Ella up today, guess I'll see them again Friday if they go to the counselor as they are supposed to. This is gonna be so hard.
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Hmmmm, I don't see why grandparents can't pick the kids up. It's the reason they moved close! That WAS their plan.
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She didn't say we couldn't Barbe, she suggested we SHOULDN'T provide that out all the time for DD & SIL, he gets out of work @5pm, I normally pick them up about 4:30PM, she was just stating that they are not learning the full circle of being responsible, thus getting them to school , getting them home from school. They are DEPENDING on us to do something they are capable of doing, And I guess she fiqures this is also part of SIL's complaints, I don't know, I guess I understand where she is coming from what she is suggesting, kinda still enabling them in a way.
Pat you said INTERVENTION, I actually watch that show sometimes, and thats whats kinda what we have to do - UGH
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Cathi, I understand why the caseworker said it, but it might be nice for you and Ed to pick them up maybe once or twice a week. Use your best judgement. That is exactly what you are doing, an intervention, and you see how hard it is to do. I have watched it too, and the toll on the family, who has to do the intervention is enormous, as you can tell first hand. Sending calm thoughts your way during this stressful times. Karen
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THANKS Karen, we are going to pick them up aon Monday an Friday and of coarse if an Emergency was to come up. Spoke with CW again a bit ago and she thinks that will be fine. I hate that she is leaving, she knows Landen & Ella and we feel comfortable talking to her. But she has given me all the new contact info and the case supervisor info - so I have it if I need it.
Your right Karen those famlies who have to step up and say NO MORE on intervention are hurting way more than the addict. This is apinful and so very hard.
Took Landen & Ella home today, guess we won't see them again now until Friday
Stayed an played awhile, PA-PA and Landen love to play race cars, Ella she just seems to wander around, at one point I was sitting in the easy chair and she just came over and lay her head on my leg - don't think I didn't want to cry. Ed knew at that time it was time to go. But neither of us asked Amanda any questions about the weekend events, whats going on - nothing. Oh yeah case worker did say probation officer is going to be making a surprise visit this week. Not that he will catch anything on his end during the week. and she will see the children twice this week, once at home , once at school.
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Cathi, I teared up when you said Ella was kind of wandering around then just layed her head on your lap, Ed is just a lifesaver isn't he? I hope you get a really good caseworker, one that is concientous and easy to talk to. My cousin was a case worker for 10 years then had to leave as she was burned out by the cases like you heard in court. She was civil service with pension, sick benefits, etc..., but needed to be on anti-depressants for the last year she worked. Ended up working 2 part time jobs, no benefits. Can you imagine the pain they see and feel for their little clients, that is why the turnover is high in that job. Just hope Amanda will come to her senses and kick SIL to the curb, and realize she is now living her life for the children. I am always reminded by your circumstances how hard it was to see my daughter in that spot of her life. I honestly felt I had a hole in my heart for her and my grandchildren. I'm sure you feel the same. hugs, Karen
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Karen }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Cathi - we know you're hurting sweetie! }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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