Starting Chemo April 2009

Amy, what a beautiful tribute to BCO - it was so nice to hear your voice and see you "animated and 3-D".  You were exactly as I had thought you would be - soft spoken, intelligent and radiating a warmth and kindness that comes through on your posts, but was so touching in the video - and thank you for giviing a shout-out to the April 2009 Chemo group...we are all so lucky to have each other!  And thank you for doing the video - someone will see this, and because of "our Amy" will find the life-line that we all have come to cherish.!.  

Um wow, Amy. How come you had to wait this long to let us see it? Personally I think that woman who said "life begins after breast cancer" really and truly seriously needs a checkup from the neck up -- or a good smack upside the head! -- right Helen? haha.

~Lena. 

Ok, Helen, when you click on the link, it should go to a page that says "How BreastCancer.org has helped visitors". When you scroll down a little bit, there should be a black box that has the video in it. If you press Play, it should come on. Let me know if it doesn't and I can send you another link via PM.

Thank you for all your kind words. It was a very emotional experience to participate in (the filming, that is).  I did not see any of the other women - we were all done at separate times.  I was filmed for over an hour and they just used that little bit.  I do feel it seemed like me, except i was more subdued than I usually am - I usually am pretty animated and upbeat. But that day I just felt so subdued and serious. (Not surprisingly)

The reason it took so long to share is that they were going to premier it at the big Benefit concern with Harry Connick Jr on 10/30 so i wasn't allowed to show it to anyone before then.  I only had a link to the unfinshed version and didnt' want to post that. So today she sent me the final link which I passed on to you.  I do hope it helps other women somehow and also that it helps raise funds for BCO. I think that may be one of the main purposes, actually.

I agree about the 'life begins after bc' line. I also thought that at the end, during the "Thank you, BCO" portion, that the women looked awfully happy & smiley. Not me - when I said "I wouldn't have made it without you" - it looked to me like I was a woman hanging on by a thread! 

But of ALL the helpful stuff BCO has given me in the past year and a half, it is THIS group - my April sisters that mean the most to me! I'm so glad I could give you a shout out on the video!

Love to all. And esp to YOU, Lena. How are you doing up in the frigid tundra of New England?
Amy

It's not frigid YET, just fall-chilly mostly.

All I have to say is that although I absolutely positively do NOT miss living in NJ, I bit off WAY more than I can chew with this moving stuff. I'm even worse at adapting to change than I thought I was. I feel as depressed and hopeless now as I did before I started taking the Wellbutrin (which I'm still on, so this must all be "just turned my life upside down and inside out" stress/depression, right?). For the past 2-3 weeks I think it is, the only times I ever feel good is when I'm with my Pack Rat, which, yes, is way more now than it used to be when I was in NJ, but hey geez, he's got a job and a life and he can't stay here and not work and not live his life so he can hang around to keep me from bursting into tears ten times a day and crying all the time, you know? And I even have "moments" when he IS here (and OMG even when we've gone OUT).

And the medical reboot, well the financial part, what a frickin disaster. I CAN NOT NOT NOT *NOT* HANDLE IT ANYMORE! 

Crap, crap, crappity CRAP. 

~Lena. 

Lena, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time, you have had so many transitions to deal with and this is in addition to the regular BC stuff that you have to deal with must be very hard. I wish that I could do something to make it better for you. If I was nearer, I would come over and help you out! But if it is any help, we are always here for you when you need to vent or rant about anything at all. Maybe, try and take one challenge at a time. Set yourself small goals and if it takes longer than expected to settle in, that's okay too. Remember, that even though the the Holidays are coming up, the days are shorter, the weather is colder and that does not help anyones' mood. I really hope that things start to look up soon. Please keep us posted on how you are feeling.

Geri - so nice to hear from you! How is your work going?

I have another program at school today, so I am running out shortly. I hope you are all doing ok and I will come by again soon.

Hugs to everyone, stay warm! Judy x

Hi all!

Titan - you are so right about friendship. In addition to having made new friends of people who were strangers before - I have really come to know the meaning of true friendship, I found out who my real friends were whilst I was sick. Even those overseas, who just dropped me an email or left me a voicemail, don't realize what a difference they made to me. Then there were the others who were not so good about staying in touch and although I am sure that they all had their own reasons, I don't feel the need to go running after them now.

Well, today, I bought pants in a size 12 - not happy! My hips are just looking at me in the mirror and no matter what I do, they seem to be here to stay. So, today I succumbed and bought two pairs of pants. In truth, I had been sort of 10-12 before BC, but I liked the fact that I could wear some cuts of a 10. I still do, but they are not always comfortable. I am just trying to accept that this may be my new shape, so at least I should look ok when I put something on.

Lena - how are you doing today? This morning, I heard about something and of course I cannot remember the name now - it is a kind of depression that people feel at this time of year. I am sorry if I am being useless, if I remember the name I will come back. Anyway, like I said yesterday, that could be contributing to your mood. I am thinking of you! Come by and let us know how you are.

Hugs to ALL - have a good day! Judy x

Hi all!

Betsy - good to hear from you! I am sorry that you still have discomfort and I hope that the aching and swelling goes away soon!

Glad the dinner party went well and that everyone loved the new kitchen! May you use it for many happy and healthy years to come!

I am doing ok today, although last night I had the most massive headache, which I never usually get and put myself to bed. This morning, there is just a small ache left, but it was really horrible. I think it may be stress related - what isn't?

Hope you are all doing ok today and Lena, I hope you have a good weekend and do something fun! Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugs to everyone and have a great, sunny and fun filled weekend! Judy x

Hi all....

ok..yesterday I finally (I'm always late) I had a major melt down. Work is frankly too stressful and now my PT says I need acupuncture for the lymphedema & stress. She said I may need a jump start on getting my lymph fluids draining correctly. She actually thinks my compression garments may be inhibiting my natural drainage.  Any hoo...I can finally wear my old bra's again, so that's a plus.  I realized when I was talking to her that I had been doing everything right, except for keeping my stress levels manageable. So when I went home, I had a frank discussion with my dh, about what the source of my stress WORK, he was totally supportive, which of course made me feel even worse. It took him a while to settle me down, I was shocked at the intensity of my feelings. It pretty easy to see when my stress increases, so does the size of my breast. It's so frustrating, I just want to scream. Plus, I just can't multi-task anymore and that's one of the main aspects of my job Sometimes I feel so stupid.. I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. If I can just hang in there for one more year I get a three month sabbatical, is it worth it? I can retire with full benefits in 4 years. I am so torn. Do I push forward or say screw it and take care of my body right now. I guess the best possible solution is to reduce my stress but keep on working. Bottom-line, I guess I need to speak with my boss (who happens to be wonderful) and just see if I have any options.  I'm feeling very bummed about it. I'm glad to be taking the next week off on vacation. Maybe it will give me time to sort through my feelings.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Sorry to unload on you all but I know you are a safe outlet. Thanks for listening.

Betsy

Hi all, hope you are all doing ok today.

Geri - always good to hear from you! I think that the only good that can come out of BC (apart from having met all of you ladies) is that we can help others through our experiences and especially to self advocate - we all know how important that is. Enjoy your trip to NC, a change of scenery can be a good thing!

Betsy - when I read your post, it is like reading my own life. I am constantly overwhelmed with stress and cannot bear the fact that I cannot function and multi task like I used to. In fact, this morning has been non stop crying, not sure why, but just cannot get it together today. But, I must tell you that acupuncture really helped me for stress and it may be worthwhile finding someone who can give you acupuncture for both or all of your symptoms. I think if you can manage the stress, then you may be able to continue working for a bit longer. Sometimes, prolonged periods of time at home or without adult company can be lonely and depressing. And you can always unload on us - anytime!

Helen - Sounds like you had a complete nightmare yesterday, but good for you for standing up for yourself! Unbelievable!I don't usually have trouble with blood draws, but I get very traumatized by it.

I will come by again soon, have a good Sunday everyone, Hugs, Judy x

It's good to know that I am understood - this is where I get so much support. I really feel I need to focus my efforts on staying healthy - exercise/walk every day, eating well, sleeping/resting as needed, and just looking after myself. My worry is that I will spend a lot of time alone and go for days without adult company. But I think I'll just have to figure that out .. and figure out how to pay my bills with less income. I am definitely thinking of moving my retirement date up sooner rather than later. Maybe I'll also get more time with my 3 and 5 year old grandkids. To them I'm just a playmate which is fine with me.

Back to work tomorrow morning and I have to spend a few hours tonight preparing.

It really sounds as if we are all experiencing similar emotions right now. I know that I have a totally different approach to work now, it is a means to an end, I leave my desk and that is it for me. I think that if I was doing something more worthwhile, then I may feel differently, but right now, this works for me. Betsy, I feel the same as you, I also feel like a shadow of my former self (not physically unfortunately...), but I am still trying to accept my new limitations. It is not easy. These are challenges that will stay with us for a long time to come.

Helen - you know we are always here for you, we learn so much from this thread and from each other. I hope work went well for you today.

Titan - Wedding dress shopping!!! Now that is exciting! You know I have found that when I am doing something, I don't have much "staying power". It's like "ok, I am bored now, next!". When I go to a mall or out with the family, I always feel like we need to get moving on to the next thing - very bizarre.

You know, we may all be feeling stressed at the moment, with all the lead up to the Holidays. Even if we are not hosting the Holiday itself, every trip to the supermarket, mall etc is stressful and noisy at this time of year and it gets me thinking "this never used to bother me, but please get me out of here now...."

Hope everyone has a calm day from here on and I will come by again soon, hugs to all, Judy x

Hi all, wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Travel safely if you are travelling and enjoy the time with family and friends!

Thank you all for being such a tremendous group - you are wonderful friends!

Hugs to everyone! Judy x

I had a lovely day yesterday also.  Long drive up to my aunt's in NJ, but we bring my grown daughters and son in law with us. And since I don't see them all that often, the hours in the car are part of the enjoyment of my day as well.

I told my aunt how happy I am this year and she said that last Thanksgiving I was there, but I didn't seem myself. I really can hardly remember anything about that day last year. I think I was on autopilot a lot of the time - going through the motions but not really in the moment.  This year is MUCH better!

Today and the rest of the weekend I am devoting to doing nothing.  Yup - nothing!  Went to the gym today but other than that, just taking it easy. And tomorrow will be the same. Watching football is the only thing on my to-do list and I am loving it.

Hope everyone is doing well. I am SO thankful for all what I call my "april ladies."

Love 

Amy

Titan - LOL! My brother used to sympathise when I lost my hair. He is bald too.

Amy, I am so pleased that you had a good Thanksgiving and I hope you are enjoying your restful weekend.

I am doing ok, my husband has been away for a few days, but is back now and it is good to be altogether again.

Hugs to all, I will write again during the week, Judy xxx

Geri

I am so proud of you for 'refusing to panic.'  (and also for making your plane connection in 8 min). This liver function thing is most likely NOTHING  - either an SE from the AI or just NOTHING.  We all know they screen and watch us carefully and don't let anything go by, but it is still a challenge when something like this happens.

I remember when I had that MRI for the thing on my ovary (which turned out to be NOTHING but I was sure I was going to die of ovarian cancer!).  It is just a memory now but was scary at the time.

Stay strong - come here and vent or ask for support ANY time you need it between now and the next test. And of course let us know when you get the next set of test results.

I echo the call for Lena..........calling to the frozen NH tundra - where aaaaaaaaare you????

Love to all and Happy Hannukah as well.

Amy