Starting Chemo April 2009
Comments
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Hi all,
Work has totally exhausted me as of late, sorry I haven't even kept up with the posts. Titan and Judy...I have a new appreciation of my body as of late and always feel like there is something "aka cancer" lurking...it sort of sucks...to put it bluntly. So I completely understand your posts. I know that stress can cause inflammation and inflammation of cells is bad...so stress=cancer in my mind. Work =stress.
I do want to rejoice in being alive and feeling better than I felt last year at this time. The acupuncture is working very well. I don't feel my breast constantly, which is a major relief. Lena...not sure why but this last session I definitely felt one needle. It hurt for a couple of days post the session, but now...amazingly I feel better than I have in months. Its mysteriously amazing to me. After all the western medicine...trial drugs, LE massage, antibiotics..acupuncture is what has worked for me. All I can say is TG! Geri...you made me laugh at your post about needles. I have plenty of target areas on my body for the dr. to aim at...maybe that's why they are so effective. LOL...
Ok...I am being honest. While on my latest diet I have gained 5 pounds. I am pushing my top weight ever. I have been working out at the gym and watching what I'm eating but am getting very discouraged. But I have been stressed and stress = inflamation and inflamation =weight gain for me. I must learn to manage my stress better.
The lady I work with has been release from the hospital today, she has gone to a rehab center. She has a long recovery ahead of her. It's very sad. She is alone, her family is not very supportive(very self absorbed) and she has a very long recovery ahead of her. Her situation makes me feel happy to be healthy and active. Things could be much worse so I say ...LIFE IS GOOD. Cancer sucks...but live life NOW.
Titan we have a new recruit with Amy...Go Ducks! The Ducks are a 4th quarter team. Don't give up on them early...they come on strong at the end. I have the feeling Auburn will dominate early..but the Ducks will pull it out in the end. Ever the optimist!
Wishing you all a healthy and happy new year. I think we should try to meet in the fall of 2011. How about somewhere on the east coast as I'm the only west coast post. Name the weekend and location and I will be there. If I can come from the west...the rest of you have no excuses. I would love to see NY, DC or Boston. Helen...would any of those locations be easy for you? When does your school year start, maybe we could plan it just before you start your year. Titan, Geri or Judy...will you organize it?
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Betsy, Judy, Titan ... I feel exactly the same way. It's a good thing I have all of you so that I know I'm not totally crazy. Many people, recently, have been asking me "how is your health?" I have no idea how to handle that question - I think it's a stupid question but I don't want to be rude. Mostly I just say "I'm ok today" but I don't think that's a good response. How do you handle it?
A get together would be good.-- NY, DC, Boston -- all are pretty much only a 1 hour flight (or maybe even a train ride) so very doable. Or you folks might want to come to Toronto but I don't know if that's a central a location for most of you. School year starts around Labour Day.
Happy New Year and may 2011 bring good health for all.
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Titan - you know, I think we may have been separated at birth (LOL)! Betsy, so good to hear from you. I am also watching what I eat and excercising, but my weight is not going down at all. Just the thought of it stresses me and then I eat more! Good to hear that the acupuncture is working. I am sorry that your friend is having a hard time. I would like to meet you all, but may be leaving the US this summer (long story...), I will fill you in another time.
Helen - when people ask about my health, I always say "I am ok for the most part". I don't know what else to say. I don't think anyone really understands the challenges we face daily and I don't feel comfortable explaining myself all the time. You are the people in my life who I can talk to about everything without feeling crazy. You really are a lifeline for me.
On that note, I am sending you ALL hugs for a wonderful 2011. I look forward to walking through the coming year side by side with all of you and sharing both the good and more challenging times that lay ahead for all of us.
Happy New Year! Judy x
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I'm saying goodbye to 2010, which was somewhat better than 2009 (which was filled with diagnosis, surgery, chemo, more surgery, fear (terror, really) finishing surgeries, finishing chemo, decreased fear as an everday occurance.)
I'm saying hello to 2011 with cautious optimism, no known surgeries on the horizon, chemo not such a distant memory, but at least a memory, fear of the unknown and what may lie ahead, but learning not to let it consume me and become my master..which would really be such a shame to have endured what has come before, only to have fear run my life and take all the joy out of it.
So, my friends, I wish for you what I wish for myself; health (as much as we dare hope for), happiness (as much as we allow ourselves to feel), prosperity (not necessarily in a monetary sense, but more that we prosper and grow having gone through a life-changing experience) and an abundance of love for our families, our loved ones and for each other.
Blessings to all
Geri
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HAPPY NEW YEAR! Geri...what a beautiful resolution for 2011.
Titan -looks like Tuesday is the big night for the Buckeyes. Sugar coated nuts! Sounds good!
Judy...what's the story? Maybe we should move the get together timing to spring time? Could that work for you? I have a summer time scheduling problem and Titan has a wedding. Would late May work?
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Geri - just beautiful, your choice of words is perfect!
Betsy - Basically, we relocated here for 3 years and did not get the "American experience" as we had hoped for. I was diagnosed with BC around 5 months after we arrived. We didn't have any friends yet and had to navigate the Health system here. The school and community were very supportive and subsequently, we made some very good friends who supported us through the surgery, treatment and everything else that we were going through at the time. It was hard, but we got through it. And of course, I found all of you ladies!
We have also had some good times and great vacations and still have till June to travel some more etc. I am not sure if I could make it in May, it just depends how much we have to organize at that time. I think that you should all aim for a time and if I can join, then I would love to. Does that sound reasonable?
I hope everyone had a good New Year weekend! We go back to school/work tomorrow and I can honestly say that I do not feel rested at all : ). But we have done some fun stuff and spent time together as a family which is always good.
Hope you are all enjoying your Sunday and I am sending you all hugs! Judy xx
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Hiya all...
Happy new year to you optimists out there. :-) No "new year speeches" from me. I just don't see how a change in the date is going to make bad past stuff go away and good new stuff happen.
For the first time since my old life ended, the "worry about any new ache and pain maybe being more cancer stuff" syndrome is actually hitting me. I suppose, if it doesn't go away in a couple days or so, I should call the doctor -- if I can figure out which doctor I should be calling: the PCP or the onc. (If it does go away, well I have an appointment with my PCP soon anyway, on 1/12/11, so I can tell her then just so one of my docs will know about it at least.) As of the last couple days my left hip has been hurting when I walk and/or shift my body while sitting. Since I didn't fall or, as far as I can recall, bang my left hip into something, and my right hip doesn't hurt like this, well I don't know what to make of it...
...which would lead me to call the PCP, except...
...it's my LEFT HIP hurting and my bone met is in the LEFT ILIAC BONE...which would lead me to call the onc...
...but that PET scan I JUST HAD a month and a half ago or so showed, and I quote from the report, "no significant activity, consistent with a treated metastasis." and I've had times with no pain at all or way less than this/different quality of it during times my most recent scans DID show significant activity...
...which leaves me totally confused.
Or, maybe this is merely sequelae from my optimist of a Pack Rat. Last Wednesday night (12/29) we celebrated our 8-years-since-first-date, and since he was going to be going to CT on Sunday night (tonight) for his work-in-the-office week, I had invited him to come back Sat night. But he called me on Friday around lunchtime or so, saying "I almost forgot but it's New Year's Eve, want to get together for that instead of Saturday?" (plus he had extra "stuff" to do to get ready to go to CT)... so I said OK, and he came over Friday night. I made the "Italian Rainbow" for dinner, then proceeded to get us both drunk and take advantage of him (after we watched this Michael Moore movie on DVD I hadn't known I'd even had until going through some other DVDs the night before) -- we had 3 glasses of wine; normally we only drink 1, less often 2 and I don't recall the last time we did 3! What do you call it, starting the new year off with a bang, right? well this was the Big Bang all right with us wild rattie-style rats woo-HOOOO! But I didn't have any more than the "usual" crippled-ness after (and am proud to say I successfully rendered him smilingly unconscious as well) and no new pains, at least not till yesterday with this left hip pain...so, have any of you ever ended up with only ONE hurting hip a couple days after being a little too...um...enthusiastic? So maybe I don't have to call a doctor or figure out which one to call?
Also...today I really shouldn't have done this (spent money on something that was NOT a necessity)...but today I got so frustrated with a problem with my backup system happening AGAIN, plus another more recent issue with my iBook, I got seriously pissed off because I was just so sick and tired of doing without. I bought:
1. TWO "magic cables." One for me, and one for my Pack Rat since his last one died the last time he used it, which was on my behalf, when I originally began to have these difficulties. I'd been WANTING to buy them for the last 6-7+ months actually, but every time I'd think of it I'd forcibly put it out of my mind because computer stuff is "extras." I'm pissed off that this is the second failure of my "new" external backup system this year. I need the "magic cable" to CONFIRM it's another enclosure failure (I spent all day yesterday testing to confirm that all my USB ports, the hub and the cables were good and they are: the external drive powers up with green light and I hear the drive spin up, except it won't MOUNT on ANY of my machines; I do REALLY strongly suspect the enclosure's bridge circuit has failed and I am so frickin pissed off with this bridge circuit crap already due to last year's multiple incidents.
2. A new enclosure.
3. A 16 GB flash drive, because my iBook is now overflowing too, and I'm kind of mad that I didn't know to look for shielded vs. unshielded when I bought my 8 GB flash drive which was big enough until the iBook overflowed last week. I just let loose and bought it too, soooo sick of waiting to get stuff I WANT even though I only just started thinking about a bigger flash drive last week (as compared to occasionally agonizing about magic cables for the better part of a year).
Worse: on top of the $50-something to buy the magic cables, USB enclosure and bigger flash drive -- I also chose the 1-day delivery option instead of the cheap "normal" shipping like I usually do when I buy something online even though that cost as much as the stuff I was actually buying. What's WRONG with me? What about "no more spending on 'extras'" don't I understand????? Oh yeah. My chemo brain didn't ALL go away. :-(
Oh, and I had a scare with the KVM and my Quicksilver today too. Turning the QS around to get at its USB ports during the damn testing for the external backup failure unseated its connection to the monitor and I also thought I broke one of the pins while reseating it...then thought I lost my spare other KVM cable...found it with the spare routers though...
Eeeeeeeesh.
I have to somehow solve this problem with the backup system, on my own, if it kills me, and even if I have to take that HD out of its current enclosure and put it in the new one myself -- hoping I can figure out how to do that anyway. And if I can't I'll just run the damn drive bareass naked on the shelf with the magic cable. I am so sick of being useless and helpless and having to call on my Pack Rat to bail me out of this kind of thing.
That didn't used to bother me though, I don't get that either. I've ALWAYS been mechanically inept, and didn't mind having to ask for help. So why do I mind it NOW all of a sudden?
Well.....catchya next time...
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Hi Lena. I'm glad you brought the new year in with a bang. I've also had some mild discomfort in my left hip. My doc said that if it was mets, it would be consistent, persistent, get worse and probably wake me up at night. Here's hoping yours is just a sex injury .... and you enjoyed every second of it.
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Hmmm Helen, now that you mention it......yeah....before my diagnosis -- even before my right breast started turning into a rock and no I didn't have any "separate lumps" to find (so I didn't have the remotest idea I had or was going to get BC) -- for a year or two or so, my left hip had been bothering me occasionally -- yes, waking me up at night...well, more like early in the morning before the alarm clock would go off so I could get up for work -- and it would hurt worse while in process of getting out of bed, but once I was out of bed the pain would stop. I'd get this pain for a few mornings (up to a week, sometimes 2 weeks) consecutively, the pain usually tending to worsen, but then it would stop! Weeks or months would go by and I wouldn't have it at all. Then it would be back for another spell; on and off, on and off -- hurt for a week or two, get better for a few weeks or months, then pain again...It was just so weird (but each time the pain came back, yes it seemed worse and took longer to go away after getting out of the bed). Seeing that I was over 40 (43/44 or 44/45 years old) when I noticed it, I attributed it to "Getting Old." In fact, it made me think of my Pack Rat's (then) 70+ year old father -- who ended up having hip replacement surgery, and who also just turned 80. I didn't recall how old he was when his hip started bothering him, but he had terrible pain from it for YEARS; I just don't know how many. My Pack Rat used to say his dad ate OTC pain meds like candy and it barely helped him. Even after his "rotted-out" hip was diagnosed, he had to wait till he had insurance to pay for the operation, so it went on for a very long time. But that's what I thought of -- HIS condition, not the idea that *I* might have my very own cancer or any other not-limited-to-people-over-60 kind of illness. Even "simple" osteoarthritis didn't occur to me!
When I was actually diagnosed with BC and had my first oncologist appointment after the positive biopsy of IBC, he asked me if I'd been having any "bone pain" and, having not had the hip pain in a few weeks at that time, I had totally forgotten about it so I said no! But then he sent me for staging scans, and BOOM, what shows up on all of 'em -- PET, CT and Bone scans -- a met on my left iliac bone. So then I told him about this intermittent hip pain after being told I had the bone met..."OMG, so THAT's what that was all about?!"
Um. Yeah. OK. Chemo took the met down considerably but not totally. The intermittent episodes of hip pain became more intermittent, and seemed to eventually go away "for good" (and then my recent Oct or Nov 2010 regression scan seemed to confirm the met was as gone as it was possible to get). The hip pain I have now which I only just got a couple days ago, after not having had hip pain like this in just over a year (the hopeful sex injury LOL) isn't exactly like any of the prior hip pain -- while it's on the same level as the old pain (same part of the hip, with same intensity of pain itself) -- it hasn't woken me up at night or early in the morning and I only get the new one while walking or moving -- the old pain used to go away totally after I got out of bed, and I had to do a LOT of walking (several blocks or more) before it would hurt from walking. This new pain -- I can't even walk across a room without getting it. I added painkiller (a dose of my remaining Darvocet) to my usual morning meds/supplements today, and it's a little better. Whether this pain will go away on its own or not, though, I know I have to talk about pain meds with my PCP when I see her on the 12th. Dunno if you know this or not, but Darvocet (and Darvon) have just been recalled by the FDA because they "may" cause cardiac problems. My old onc had given me the Darvocet a couple of times last summer for the knee pain, shoulder pain and hurting feet from AIs. I still have over half the second bottle left because I take it very sparingly. It DOES help my pain, but it also makes me sleepy and slows my already deficient brain down, so I'm reluctant to take it when I know I have things to do which might or DO include having to drive someplace.
I was shocked when I got the letter from Dartmouth about Darvon/Darvocet recall -- I got it on the first day I'd taken my Darvocet in maybe 2 months! Well I hadn't had any problems from my Darvocet other than the sleepiness/fuzz brain, OTCs don't put a dent in my pain, and the Oxycodone I still have (which I got for that mystery painful leg injury), well that's TOO strong for the AI pain -- so I decided OK, I'll take the Darvocet I have left sparingly/as needed, but since I now know I won't be getting any more, I'll need to make AI pain management a subject of discussion the next time I see my doctor. What I need: something stronger than OTCs but not AS strong as Oxycodone and its relatives (and hopefully something that won't kill my brain or make me sleepy).
Oh, and YES, of course I TOTALLY AND THOROUGHLY enjoyed every NANOSECOND of the Big Bang. Our relationship, like most, isn't perfect, but it seems our worst particular relationship flaws show up out of bed. The major ones: I get upset sometimes about his utter lack of ability to perceive time and disconnection from the spacetime continuum, and he could definitely live without my "all or nothing" approach to most things. But IN bed? There is no such thing as "bad sex" with that Pack Rat --SQEEEEEK! :-D. The occasional encounters of ours which AREN'T totally hot as hell and having me explode repeatedly are the ones we're trying something new which I end up finding more amusing than erotic, so I do more laughing than "exploding." But laughing is fun too, and sometimes this inventiveness DOES result in something explosively erotic which then gets added to the repertoire -- so it's always enjoyable one way or the other. LOL! The only "complaint" I've ever had about our sex life was "we don't do it often enough." Which is obvious from the long distance relationship perspective, but actually it still applies even now (not as much as it did before I moved, but yeah, I still do wish we'd get a little bit more LOL... well maybe in the summer when The Great Outdoors is an option, and then when he finishes remodeling his now unusable bedroom (which he was going to do this year, um, 2010, "finally," except then he "had to" help me move)...well we shall see....
Judy: what "American experience" were you expecting?
Amy -- you still going to the gym? I made the mistake of walking to Rite Aid yesterday but as I walked, noticed there's a gym here too, yes, in walking distance from my house! I doubt I could afford joining, especially since I'd probably need a "special" trainer to show me exercises which wouldn't hurt my AI-afflicted joints (presuming there ARE any: but I'd need to actually go to a gym and talk to a trainer to even find out). But I was so shocked, my initial reaction to seeing a gym this close to where I live was, "Oh cool, I'd be able to WALK to and from the gym!" but then, since my hip was hurting me, "and geeze, isn't this ironic when I finally even think I MIGHT want to join a gym PLUS find one I can walk to, now I bet there's NO more kinds of exercise I can do without going into agony or falling and actually hurting myself!" I had been doing all that walking because between my stroke paralysis/impaired balance and the AI pain, walking seemed to be the only kind of exercise I COULD do, and now walking hurts! GRRR!
And I'm having trouble with these last 5 pounds, too. I got down to 129/130 but keep going up and down from 129.something to 130.something. It's maddening. I'll bet exercise would help me kick off these last few pounds (I'm still on the diet, and calculations tell me I'm still burning a little more than I'm taking in, but not as much as I was when I used to go for those daily walks; my BMR slowed down and exercise gets it up), but between the cold and the pain (and probably not being able to afford the gym anyway, which even if it turns out a trainer says I was right, that walking really is the only exercise I can do, I'd still be able to walk on a treadmill if I joined a gym so solve the cold problem that way) and the pain, I don't think it'll be happening any time soon if at all. Oh well....
I think the Darvocet is making me space headed. I guess I'd better go do something that doesn't require any brains. Have fun and feel as good as you can.
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Lena - I love the frankness of your posts. I don't think that a change in date really changes anything, it may just change the way we perceive things. All the while, with each passing day, we are moving further away from the diagnosis and ordeal that followed it. I find it hard to be positive on a daily basis, so I think that having a "significant" date can help give me the push I need to maybe look at things differently. I can say, "I had BC in 2009" and "now it is 2011 - look how far we have come". Sometimes, people need landmarks in their lives to help them move on and maybe look back a little less as time goes on. I have heard people say that one day this will all become a "chapter" in our lives. I know that I am nowhere near that but do hope that as I move into the future, the BC will become more distant and maybe more postive things may start to happen for me and they will take priority over my life. Does that make any sense at all?
Your New Year sounded like fun! And may well be the cause of your hip discomfort. I am a worrier, so I would probably have it checked out if it were me.
You seem like a very disciplined person when it comes to spoiling yourself and maybe it is not my place to say, but everyone deserves a treat now and again and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.
We are all back at work and school today, but I am done in about an hour and hope to have some time to myself before picking up the kids later on. I found the winter break hard work and found myself desperately in need of time for myself. I am just not managing to find that time and I think it is so important.
I have been feeling quite depressed lately and apart from when I come here to talk to you, I feel alone, even though my family and friends are around me. If anyone were to ask me what would make me feel better, I cannot even pinpoint it. That is the hard part - I know that I am not happy with my life as it is, but cannot think of how I can improve it. It is very frustrating. Then I think that I must remember to be thankful that I am still alive and to find the good in my life. Sorry to be so morbid.
I hope that everyone is doing well and slowly getting back into the post Holiday routine.
Sending you all hugs and thank you as always for listening, Judy x
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Lena, you must have posted whilst I was writing. We came here to see something different, experience a different Education system and to travel. America has a lot to offer and we wanted to really take advantage. What we didn't bank on was having to get to know the Health System as we did. Anyhow, we have managed some trips and hope to do some more. It really hasn't been all bad
Hugs to you all for a great day, Judy x
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Happy New Year everyone! So far so good, right? But then again, it's only January 3rd!
I took the tree down yesterday and put the house back to normal. We are happy the craziness of the holidays is over - I realize that I really like my normal day to day routine. It is nice to have family around and all the celebrating, but regular life is good, too!
I go to Las Vegas on Sunday for a week. I have a work conference S-Th, and then my husband is flying out on Wed to stay with me till Sunday. We are leaving Vegas immediately (it's not our kind of place) and going out to Death Valley to hike & take photos. I am SO EXCITED.
I have definitely learned to enjoy life more, have more fun, and not work so hard as a result of the breast cancer experience. I'd NEVER say cancer is a gift or blessing or ANYTHING positive, but if i can learn and grow in some good way as a result, at least that is one good thing to come out of it.
My (grown) kids are big Phillies fans and i was just thinking maybe we'd all fly down to FL for a few days to go to spring training. I never would have thought of that before - too expensive, too much time away from the office, etc etc etc. Now I'm much more focused on experiences, making memories, doing things while the money/health/energy is there, and so on. So that is one good change. (Not sure if we'll really go to FL or not - but fun to talk about.)
Yes, I'm still at the gym almost every day. Downloaded a few more rockin' workout songs to my IPOD - will go over there shortly and see if they help. Like The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again - not stuff I usually listen to but somehow those pounding rocking screaming songs help you get pumped and push through the hard parts. My kids look at my workout mix and laugh at me!
I haven't gotten on the scale in a good while and don't worry about the number much. I can tell more by how my clothes fit. And so far so good.
I did notice my hip hurting a few months ago - I think I mentioned it on this thread, actually. It was after our car trip in Oct, and I thought maybe it was from too much time riding in the car. I could feel it when I would get up or down off the exercise mat, had to move slowly and it did hurt. It scared me a bit but I took the 2-week rule and after a while I forgot about it. I remembered it recently and realized it is all gone.
OH - over Christmas, my brother in law (who is very much a curmudgeon and skeptic) was telling me about this gin and raisin cure for his arthritis that he has tried & is having great success with. Very out of character for him to go for something like this. If you have arthritis, google it and see the info. Pretty interesting. Who knows if/why it works. Just like the bar of soap at the foot of the bed for nighttime leg cramps - that seems to work, too, although no one can say why.
Re the meeting - I have my stepdaughter's wedding on 10/1 next year. But any other time, i will be there if you guys are getting together. NY, Boston, wherever. If you need help organizing, I will be glad to help. My dad was a travel agent - it's sort of in my genes.
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Whew!!! Hip pain is diminishing! Got up this morning and even though it still hurt, it wasn't nearly as bad, and an OTC is now sufficient to make almost all of it go away (I took 2 Aleve pills). I guess I WAS just a little "too" enthusiastic the other night. I'll have to tell my Pack Rat about this... LOL
Hey Amy (and all the rest of you who enjoy or at least don't mind the idea of air travel) -- I can't believe it doesn't bother you to be treated like the terrorists you aren't with the electronic strip searches, and that you actually think such procedures prevent terrorism. Well, to each her own, I guess, huh?
Ooops I totally forgot about that when it comes to at least checking out that gym (I don't think I can afford to join, but I'll still take a walk over there sometime and find out for sure) -- MUSIC! Eeeeyikes, well, when I check out the gym, I guess another important factor for me will be the existence of an exercise in "peace and quiet" option. It just occurs to me now, I'm remembering when I was in NJ, getting my daily exercise by going for those walks in the park...I used to see other walkers, plus joggers, plus people riding bikes, all had themselves plugged into something. I wasn't ever able to figure out how they could concentrate on their activity (or enjoy the park, in the case of the walkers) while plugged into the music.
I guess I'm weird. Yes, I like music -- even if the music I like only occasionally at best aligns with what others like, I do have enough in the way of MP3s and (yes, I know, archaic) cassettes (need new set of headphones for the walkman though) where I for only a few bucks *could* scrounge up stuff to be plugging myself in too when I go for a walk, but all the music I enjoy is stuff I'd just rather sit and listen to, which isn't going to get me any exercise, and I'm afraid I'd end up hurting myself for concentrating too much on the music while walking that I'd lose my balance if I plugged myself in. Dunno what to do about this....
But not to worry, I have to pay for heating oil first. (and goshdangit I'm NOT ever going to buy from that computergeeks.com again: gotta warn Pack Rat since he's the one who told me about the place -- they should have processed my order YESTERDAY but they haven't -- I know because they didn't send an email with tracking number like their FAQ said they do when processing is complete and they ship), and I was hoping, since I ordered with overnight shipping, I'd get my order TODAY but if they didn't process it I'm not going to get it, so I actually WASTED money trying to get overnight shipping...GRRRRR)
Judy -- my self discipline when it comes to shopping is because I can no longer afford "extras." Ordering that computer stuff on Sunday pushed me just under my Threshold. My Threshold, as I call it, is a certain amount of money in my checking account that allows me to have an extra 2-3 months worth of rent, minimum, on top of whatever my regular income is (presently the second lowest I've had in my entire adult life) so I don't end up living hand-to-mouth (I've had to do that in the past and now I'm too old for that kind of stress). So IF I use any of that money it's supposed to be for NECESSITIES. Definition of Necessities = food, rent, utilities, automotive, medical and THAT'S IT. Anything not in one of those categories I should NOT be spending money on it. Period. That's my rules, and that order I just placed at computergeeks.com broke my rules so bad I can't believe I did it -- I just dipped UNDER the minimum Threshold,
If I didn't feel like such crap all the time I'd be looking for a part time job because I know I can only just barely live on SSDI alone, and I'm thinking I MIGHT feel a little better on several fronts in the spring, besides warmer weather making everything easier in general. I know I'm definitely "done" with full time -- I don't have nearly enough physical energy or endurance, not enough brains, not enough motor coordination -- but if, with the help of my new doctors, I can solve the pain/cognitive deficit problems and finish the adjustment to the move, maybe I'll be able to handle something part time -- and yes it's OK to work part time and still be able to receive disability payments. I only need a few hundred bucks a month more to surpass "bare subsistence," get back to and maintain "comfort" level -- I'm fairly easy to please in the material sense (LOL!). In the meanwhile, it's just one day at a time and no more 'extras' unless or until I do get a part time job (or better, luck out and find a work-from-home gig of some kind), and wait to see how I even FEEL then.
Oh, and Judy -- wow, if you really think America has "a lot to offer," then IMO this whole planet is really doomed! :-O
Catchya all next time.....
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Amy - I always enjoy reading your posts and hearing your news. I hope that you enjoy your conference and your time away afterwards with your husband. I so agree with you about living your life and trying to find something good from having been through BC. I enjoy travelling, but so far we have done most by car since we have been here because it is cheaper than 5 air tickets : )
Lena - I think it is always beneficial to see other cultures and visit interesting, historical and beautiful places. I don't know if I would live in the US permanently, I have never thought about it, but it is a great place to visit, there is so much to see and do here. It has given us a chance to share experiences as a family and even though the kids sometimes complain, I think that when they are older, they will look back and appreciate these few years. (apart from me being sick of course...).
I went to therapy this morning and was all ready for a good session, but my therapist was delayed and did not arrive in time. I have been feeling down and I really wanted to talk to her about it all and just off load, even if she couldn't offer me advice/help/strategies all at once. So, I will have to wait until next time.
I have decided to try and be more disciplined with my eating habits and up my excercise and see if it makes any difference. I have stopped weighing myself and am going by my clothes too. I just find myself hungry a lot of the time, especially in the cold weather.
That's all from me today. Hope you are all keeping warm and sending hugs! Judy x
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Hi Everyone! Just wanted to wish all a Happy New Year! I was very happy to leave 2010 in a box packed safely away in the past.
In that one year, I lost 7 people I cared about, 3 to breast cancer, and 4 under the age of 50 (29, 36, 42, and 47) who were seemingly basically healthy who just died unexpectedly. To say that 2010 was a hard year for me is an understatement. I think 2009, the year I was diagnosed and had chemo, surgery, and radiation was easier!
I'm praying the Grim Reaper takes a vacation far far away from my friends and family in 2011.
The holidays were low key and quiet (for the most part), just the way I like them. We were supposed to travel to Norfolk, VA to visit family over Christmas, but I was worried about the weather and cancelled the trip and stayed local in Maryland. Glad I did, Norfolk got 14 inches of snow! *eek!*
I had a follow-up with my Onc in December. We discussed the new Zometa findings and decided together to pull it from my treatment plan. So now I'm just on Tamoxifen through 2014.
I have a follow-up with my plastic surgeon on Friday. I have my revision to the DIEP coming up on Feb 17, 2011. Nip, tuck, lipo, and reducing/lifting my right side to match my left.
I got a new pedometer today to start my 10,000 steps per day walking plan.
Anywhoo, that's really all that's new in my world. I added a new pic. I'm wearing a wig for the winter because my hair is growing but not evenly and its wholly uncooperative right now and I don't have the energy to fight it. I'm getting it all shaved off again and will give it another go, later.
My theme for 2011...Begin Again.
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Hi Alaina!
It's great to "see" you again, I wish I had your kind of energy. I have a pedometer (they're so cool, aren't they?), but I was never able to do 10,000+ steps in a day; the highest numbers I've ever had were in the upper 9,000 range on the days I was able to push 3-4 miles instead of "only" 2 or maybe 3. If you can do 10,000, I think that's wonderful and I REALLY envy you! Even though there are times I make myself do more, I start getting really tired when I hit around 4,000 or so. Any more than that I need to push myself, which I don't do every day. Especially not now when IMO it's too cold to go out for a walk every day like I was doing in the spring, summer and fall.
Yup, excellent that you missed all that snow! We got a foot and a half in NH (which my Pack Rat helped me dig my car out of), but had I stayed in NJ -- my former place of residence ended getting socked with 31.8 inches! That's over TWO AND A HALF FEET of snow! :-O
Your wig looks great on you; is that a style you want your real hair to be able to do eventually, or is it what your real hair was like before chemo? (gaahhhh I'm sure I could NOT handle being bald again!)
I'm so sorry to hear about you having to go through all those deaths of people you cared about! :-(
Well be sure to pop in and say hi to us again some time.
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Alaina - so good to hear from you! 2010 was certainly not a good year for you and I truly hope that 2011 will be much better. "begin again" is a great theme, I am definitely with you on that one. I love the way that you are able to look forward - it is a gift you know. Your photo is great! Good luck with your walking plan too. Please come by and let us know how you are doing and how your surgery goes in Feb.
Hope everyone is having a good day today. Hugs to all, Judy x
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Hi ladies, I hope you are all doing well and have had a good first week of 2011! Mine has been ok, I have worked, spent time with friends and family and feel that I am slightly more in control of my diet now that the Holidays are over. So, all in all, not a bad start : )
We have company tomorrow for lunch and a birthday party on Sunday, but apart from that, I hope to be able to get some rest over the next couple of days.
Amy - enjoy your trip next week! I know you said, it wasn't really your thing, but Las Vegas is one of the places I would like to visit this year.
I hope you ALL have a great weekend! Sending you all hugs, Judy x
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OK, one more. I moved the olive oil to another counter, and made the coffee pot and toaster oven trade places....maybe one day this place will start to make sense huh? LOL
Oh and on that note, since I'm STILL not used to the electric stove -- if any of you have electric stoves instead of gas ranges, do you ever get unexplained water in/on them (in and around the burners), and how do you keep them clean on top without discombobulating them so the pots and pans end up uneven? I don't miss my old apartment, but if I had any, I'd gladly pay money to get my old gas range back even though it was old and filthy. I had an electric stove once in one of my old apartments, but I don't recall having these issues with unexplained water and slightly discombobulated burners after cleaning the stovetop.
Need to look up the term "plateau" when it comes to dieting. I'm down to 130 -- and holding there so at least I'm not GAINING -- but I'm not losing anymore either even though I'm continuing to stay on my diet. My weight hasn't even budged for pushing two weeks. Maybe I should be glad I not only got rid of all the post chemo weight I gained but weigh 5 pounds less than I did when I started chemo at 10 pounds more than I liked, but goddammit I still do NOT wanna see that last roll still around my middle anymore! GRRRRR. Bad enough I still have to deal with the short hair. I actually put my wig back on a couple nights ago just to try it on for a few minutes because "I wanted to see myself look good for a change" and I DID look good and I'm SO sorry I went "topless" so soon. I should have made myself put up with the heat and kept the wig on until my hair could get to a minimum of bottom of my shoulders. :-(
I think my new "gotta lose weight" is now as much of a control issue as it is a vanity issue. I am sick of being out of control and helpless. I was not able to hook up the magic cable on my own -- after having taken two HOURS to get the external HD out of the enclosure and figure out how the magic cable had to be hooked up...I got it all hooked up except for the plug-in to the power supply!! Just that one thing to do and I can't do it! -- because of my lack of strength and motor coordination in my hands. GRRRRRRR!
And now I don't know what the problem is with the new 16 GB flash drive which worked in all 3 of the computers I plan to use it with when I opened it up two days ago, but this morning when I wanted to use it, it won't frickin mount. I KNOW all my USB ports work, I just frickin tested them with the two known good flash drives. GRRRRRRRR!
I know...I'm cranky and getting crankier. Yes, I still take my antidepressant each day. Maybe my cocktail does need some additional tweaking. I have an appointment with Dr. Min (PCP) on the 12th so I can talk to her about it soon if I want....but hell, who WOULDN'T be cranky when feeling both ugly and incompetent at the same time?!
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I am no longer gray! I spent 3 1/2 hours at the hairdresser today and dyed my hair back to the color it was before chemo. I was a nervous wreck all week, and kept thinking I should cancel the appointment..worried how the dye would "'take" to the gray, etc. But I am so happy with it - light reddish brown with highlights. I am thakful I have any hair at all, and I always think of Helen when I get critical of my gray look, as I'm sure you would welcome the gray Helen, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for a full head of hair (i AM very GRATEFUL), i just wanted to pass by a mirror without thinking, "That's not me" - it was just a constant reminder. And it was within my power to change it, so I did!
Geri
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That's great, Geri. :-) Having the ability to control/change something you don't like -- on your OWN -- must be wonderful. Guess I'll have to live vicariously through you, huh? LOL
OK...off to try to update this iBook....
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Geri - I love your new photo and am so pleased that you are happy with your hair. Enjoy it! It is always good to try and change the things that we can.
I made a decision to really start taking care with my diet and I started last Thursday. I said that I wouldn't become obsessed with it, but it is all I think about! I made the mistake this morning of stepping on the scales and of course, the number was the same as Thursday and I became so despondant. I don't know what I was thinking, I need to wait a while before doing that again. I think making the decision to diet properly was definitely a control issue - I keep on thinking that at least this I can try and control. Of course, if the weight doesn't shift, I will have to try another strategy : )
Lena - I completely understand your frustrations, I find my life can be a "struggle" on a daily basis. I really hope your doctor can help you with your meds.
Enjoy your Sunday everyone! Hugs to you all, Judy x
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Hi everyone. Hope the weekend is going well. Geri, I'm glad the colour worked out ... you'll get used to it and you're right. I'd be happy with gray hair as long as I had hair. Just got home from my daughter-in-law's sister's engagement party. It was nice. The bride is a lovely girl.
I also went back to work this week. Overall, I really do enjoy the work. I just find it too difficult to keep up the hours and don't have any time to take care of myself.
Like you, Judy, I need to get my diet under control. Unfortunately, so many days I feel like I have no control over my life.
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Ditto on the diet issues for me. I have been watching what I eat, reduced the sugar, caffiene, cheese (my down fall) & even wine...so against my nature. But do you think my weight has dropped an ounce...NO. I guess I should be happy I'm not gaining weight but this royally sucks.
My lymphodema has flared again...I'm so frustrated. I guess this is another thing that I need to learn to live with. Dang it...this new normal is not ME.
I need to get my hair cut, it finally looks bushy. My bangs have reached my eye brows but it's still curly and I haven't a clue how to deal with it. I've never been a big hair person, frankly I rather enjoyed being bald. At least I didn't have to mess with my hair. Sorry Helen...I know that probably a frustrating comment for you. It wasn't intended that way, it's just I am a geek when it comes to hair.
Tomorrow is my annual deadline at work, busy, busy, busy. Then home to the Ducks kicking some Auburn ass. For you that don't follow football it's the BCS game. Titan a shout out to you. I'm missing my favorite nut.
I guess I'm in a mood. GRRRRRR.
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Judy -- "obsession" with a diet is not so bad as you think, and in my case it's part of what worked. I may be at a plateau NOW, but I HAVE lost 25 of the 30 pounds I wanted to lose, so it must have worked to a point, right? The obsession was what enabled me to design my very own personalized diet plan, and keep it that way -- I actually tweak my caloric allowances based on what my body is actually doing, and I know what it's doing based on my daily weight and trend data! And yes it means getting on the scale and calculating the trend data (to separate the signal from the noise, so to speak) EVERY DAY. But when you're obsessed anyway, doing all that stuff and the meal planning kinda keeps you busy. Especially when you have permanent chemo brain and it takes longer than it would have taken you if you'd tried to do it before chemo!
Well I found out the reason for the plateau is because my body is too "used to" the diet now and my metabolism is kicking down in response to me giving it "too few" calories (well um yeah, I want to LOSE weight, five more pounds down and THEN I can go to maintenance level, which can be noticeably more than while trying to lose) -- so I'm going to try to shake it up with a combination of eating a tiny bit more, and alternating "eat more" and "eat less" days. It'll average out to ~800 more calories per week than I've been eating for the last few months, but that's either a nice treat (an extra glass or two of wine per week, or maybe some macaroni and cheese which I cut way down on), or getting to have occasional second helpings or maybe some serious decadence: French toast with real New England maple syrup for breakfast once a week.
Oh, and Betsy -- it's not WHAT someone eats and drinks, it's how many CALORIES they're eating and drinking which determine lose, gain or stay the same weight. Eat less than burn= lose (eventual plateau not included LOL); eat exactly what is burned (which is the number of calories the body NEEDS) = stay the same weight; eat more than burn = gain weight. Even though losing weight is a healthy thing for overweight people to do, a weight loss diet itself is not absolutely or necessarily synonymous with a "healthy and balanced" diet (of good fresh fruits and veggies, grains, poultry, fish, meat and dairy).
More "moving stuff" in the kitchen sorta...changed the refrigerator racks this time...oh and the electric stove is OK...my TEA KETTLE was the water culprit...it had a tiny area of corrosion I couldn't see and was leaking!
My Pack Rat is here (unconscious at the moment, of course ;-) ) and as it happens, he says ALL of the technical difficulties I had during the past week were due to problems with the equipment itself, and that I had done everything HE would have done with regards to the troubleshooting, taking apart and hooking up stuff. The power supply plug for the "magic cable" (and the 16 GB flash drive) were both "broken" due to cheap construction -- he saw a bad crystal and lousy soldering job when he opened up the flash drive, and he pointed out to me the "moving" inputs on the magic cable which should have been "stable," and though he got it plugged in and usable, it was hard for him to plug it in too! :-O He even called my magic marker to denote the "first" input to be industry standard. OMG.
But now with the magic cable (which I DID know would diagnose the problem, I was right about THAT) -- it turns out the problem was with the hard drive, not the enclosure as I had suspected...and (stroke of luck?) when he came over tonight he brought the 500 GB drive from last year's OWC fiasco last year (drive was good, but the enclosure was bad). So tonight we built a "new" 500 GB external backup drive using the OWC HD and the enclosure which had formerly held the HD which just died! -- OOH, partitioning is done NOW! :-D
Anyway, he says wants to "autopsy" my dead 500 GB drive, and he said I should stick with name brand flash drives, even though most electronics he says it doesn't make a difference -- so we went to Newegg.com and I saw a Sandisk (a brand we're both familiar with). But when we saw that costs twice as much as the Bargain (no-brand) one I bought which turned out not to work (due to construction errors he pointed out to me when he took it apart), he happily volunteered to buy the broken one from me because he knows how to fix it (and he WANTS to get back into electronics component level troubleshooting/repair), and also that way I could put that money towards the Sandisk one which will work and therefore get it without spending more than I had spent on the Bargain (no-brand) one in the first place. So that's how THAT all worked out. I still do wish I could have fixed all those problems myself though, without HAVING TO have him help me...does that make sense?....sigh....
OK gotta go get off the Quicksilver here to begin making the new external backups from scratch...that'll probably take all night....
Well...catchya all next time....
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Hi all, hope the weekend was good!
Helen - you know I really believe that one of the reasons I started to diet more seriously, was because, I just felt that everything was spiralling out of control and I was so overwhelmed, I comforted myself with pot chips and chocolate! So, I am working with a nutritionist that I worked with several years ago when I lost 70 lbs (yes, it took almost 2 years, but was so worth it!), and she is helping me get back on track. I hope it works this time, because my body is not the same as it was back then. If not, we will have to think again. So, control was definitely an issue for me. You take your time making a decision about work. You know that your health and well being are very important.
Betsy - I am sorry that your lymphodema has flared again - what do you do to deal with that? I am sorry that you are/were having a bad day, please come here anytime to vent, we are always here.
Lena - your diet plan sounds great! I am not sure I would be able to calculate a plan for myself. I don't have the patience to work something like that out. Yesterday, we had two birthday parties and it was so hard not to eat cake, but it is too early to be eating "extras".
Must run now, I will come by again soon. Titan - we miss you!
Hugs to you all, Judy x
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Betsy! Go Ducks...now I'm gonna go watch them beat Auburn!
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Titan...I'm still wincing from the pain of that game. So close..down to the last 2 seconds. Well they played well...even with the size difference. What the hey...those Auburn guys looked liked NFL players.
Lena- I know I have to burn more calories than my intake to lose weight. Only problem is my natural metabolism has slowed to a slugs pace and even though I'm working out, reduced my calories I'm still not losing weight. Well I shouldn't say that, I got on the scale yesterday and was down 4 lbs. Woo Hoo! But it's a REALLY SLOW...process. I use to be able to lose 5 lbs just like that. No longer. Plus this muffin belly is just awful but I will continue to work on it. Glad to hear your diet is going so well, it's encouraging news.
Judy- I wear a compression bra daily, also wear a pad at night that makes my chest look like a waffle iron attacked it. I tried a compression sleeve this weekend because my arm is now causing me problems but my hand swelled up so I took it off. I'm still going for acupuncture and PT. My next PT appointment isn't until the 25th. I hope things don't get worse before then. My PT is a LE specialist so I will defer to her as to how to better manage it. My doctor told me today I need to switch and become left handed. My right arm can't take any kind of rubbing, scrubbing, dishwashing or gardening. He said I have 40 years to make the switch from age 54, 64, 74, 84, 94.....Easy for him to say. My dh said maybe we need to get a house cleaner...I responded YES. At work I'm going to try a left handed mouse. I know I can't do a left handed ten key but will try to switch on most other fronts. Will this new normal ever become normal?
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Betsy - I am so sorry that you are frustrated, but you seem to be handling this very well. You wear the gear you are supposed to, and you are seeing a PT and having acupuncture, so at least you know you are doing the best you can. I don't even know the meaning of the word "normal" anymore. There are so many things to deal with in the aftermath of BC. I think "normal" may be very changeable for us at the moment. However we deal with each day and the challenges and rewards it brings, could be normal for that day. Does that make any sense?
Well, I am sticking to my diet so far, I will let you know if anything comes off!
I will come by again before the weekend. Hugs to you all, Judy x
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Hi all, hope you are all doing well today!
I am just passing through quickly today, we have a house full of company tomorrow and I have lots to do! Should be fun! Just need to keep a check on what I am eating
I am coming up for 2 years since my diagnosis, I keep on thinking about it, wish I didn't!
Thank you all for being here to help me through the last two years, you are all my rock!
Have a wonderful weekend, stay warm, sending you all hugs, Judy x
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