anyone starting chemo in Nov 2005

Gosh, that sorta wipes me right out. I don't know what to say. I feel like I don't even exist.

Thank you, Mary Lou.

My dear sisters,

I did not take off with the intent to anger you, or to make you feel like I don't care. 

I posted another note on that thread, breaking my own inflicted "break" because my life just plain sucks. 

An update:

Things have been hell these past few months.  I was terrified over my arm, told to biopsy it.  I was told to get endoscopy and a colonoscopy.   Endo. was okay, colonoscopy was bad.  Very bad.  I was told "it could be cancer." 

I have been in a hole.  We have been in a very bad place with Daniel.  I can't give details about it because the authorities are involved.  We are struggling with what has happened to our baby.  It has been awful, and my  heart is broken. Someone hurt my baby. 

I am (understandably) depressed.  I am going on Xanax every day, because I can't take it.  I wake up every day crying. 

Greg and I have been struggling.  All these months I thought it was because of our baby, but it is because of me.  My failing health has broken him.  He didn't want to admit it but it has really been hard on him.   We had a horrifc week of angry arguments, and it was essentially about nothing.  We were arguing about our surroundings.  I was convinced my marriage was doomed, and I felt (feel) ashamed.  I feel ashamed because I am ruining my husband's life, and I am nothing but a hassle to him.  I can't say much more because I have to honor his need for privacy. 

Now, I go to the surgeon today, am told I am to get this thing out of me NOW, am having an emergency surgery on Friday, and was told, "IT IS CANCER.  GET IT OUT." 

I am sorry to have hurt you, but my life has fallen apart, and I have had no control over it.  I have felt ashamed to share it.  My husband asked me not to have my nose in the computer so much for support because it made him feel neglected.  I broke away from facebook, too, but have come back because I am begging for prayers.  I know that many of you are on that, and I am surprised my updates about my stupid colon have been missed.  I am sorry. 

I am sad that my tearful and proclaimed "break" is only an oh well, but I beg you that you will pray for my family and I, because we are all falling apart.  Things have never, ever been worse. 

I am very sorry to hear about all the troubles in your life, Deb, and my prayers are with you and your family.

I don't check in to Facebook often because it seems sort of confusing to me, and so I felt very much out of the loop. You posted your urgent fears here on our group thread and I thought I'd hear back from you in the same place.

Different people react differently to hurt feelings: some shrug to hide their pain, others tune out, some even get angry. I don't think you can read indifference into any of the range of reactions. Of course you have much on your mind right now and you didn't mean to hurt any feelings by leaving some of us dangling when we were so worried about you. Let all the positive, loving messages of these past three and a half years within this lttle group assure you of our concern and our hope for your wellbeing. I really like what Nancy said in her response to your email, and I would like to quote her here:

...you still have some choices and those choices can help determine what 
the next days will be like for you and for Daniel.  Can you choose to suspend 
your fears and go with the premise that all will be OK?  If it is otherwise, you 
can deal with it then.  I am praying that all will be okay and that you and Greg will come to a greater understanding. I am also praying for the wellbeing of your little Daniel.With love, Anna 

My sisters,

I have two things to add to my previous (and now deleted) post.

I just read back through the thread, and read the posts I have missed.  When our discussion goes to a new page and I have been away for a day or two, I generally miss those posts. I am grateful for the string of posts asking for me to check in. 

 I did note that my last post basically said what I still only know.  I did try to keep you in the loop as best as I could.  All I knew then and all I know now is that they think it could be cancer. 

The other thing is that I have been trying to post updates on both FB as well as here, and it has been easier (the status box is a fast way to communicate with everybody).  I can't promise fast updates here on Friday because it is going to be Greg who posts on my behalf.  He will likely only post on FB and one thread here. 

If you do NOT see a post from me here, it is not because I am shutting anyone out, so please don't think I am.  If you guys could just click on my username and see the most recent posts, you will probably catch an update there. 

Again, I am so deeply sorry I upset the group of women I know best.  I am just feeling like I am pulled in a hundred directions-the phone has not stopped ringing today, for example. 

Just know how important you are to me.  Please, always know that. 
Love and prayers, Deb

Only a moment (have a billion things going on), but thank you for being my sisters.  I love you all. 

Deb, hope everything goes well tomorrow.  So sorry you are having to deal with this, but I am SO GLAD you were proactive in the first place and hopefully you caught it before it could turn into cancer.  Will be thinking of you tomorrow!

Thanks for asking about my mom ML, she is doing well.  She finished chemo the end of Jan, so she is waiting for her hair and her energy to come back all the way.  She is dealing with a little neuropathy in her hands and feet.  It does seem to SLOWLY be gatting better.  So far, so good.  She has only had good scans since she had her surgery which is crucial.

I am so sorry to report thatI read Deb just found out that the polyp was cancer

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/105/topic/731226?page=5#post_1303951

stay strong my friend and we will be here for you!

Dearest Sisters, I am having trouble processing the news about Deb.  It is devastating!  I don't Face Book, so my understanding of her situation is from all of you.  Any details?

When I read back over the last month's messages, I again see challenges and victories (Mary Lou's Michael and Margerie's mom) and I see spring in Anna's and Odalys' messages.  You are some of the most amazing women I have ever known and I rejoice in your company.

 Love,

Nancy

Thank you for posting that wonderful news, Margerie. I can't tell you how upset I have been (I guess you have felt it the same) all day. I was praying and praying. Debbie must be reeling from all this. I am so happy to hear that her family will be able to get back to their loving normal soon. Thank you, thank you!

Love to all of you and continued prayers for our little sister Debbie.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm heading up to Boston early Friday morning. Gotta see my little treasure. Also, my brother is getting married.

Love to all my sisters and praying for Deb's thorough recovery,

Anna

How great to hear your "voice" lat56. You are always on my board.....

Missing my sisters and still sending positive vibes up north to our Debbie's family. I hope little Daniel is getting through this and I hope Greg stays strong. That good feeling I got when Greg told us they got it all and Debbie wouldn't need to go through chemo again has stayed with me and I have a happy kernel inside me all the time.

I'm heading up to Boston on Friday to attend my brother's wedding ceremony and then to hold and cherish my little treasure for a few short days.

Love to all of you,

Anna

Dear Deb - I am so glad they found it early and you don't have to go any more treatments!  At the same time, I hate that you had to go through all this anguish and another surgery.  God how I hate this disease.  Praying for a speedy recovery. BTW-  Glad to hear Daniel is OK.  I was so concerned after reading your last post. Love ya!

Nancy and Lat56 - glad to see you checking in.  Hope all is well with you.

Anna - Have a safe flight and a wonderful trip!  I know you are going to enjoy every minute with that precious baby and your DD. 

MaryLou - Hope you are feeling better.  Is your DH back to work?  I'm still looking for a job and it's not easy finding one in this economy. 

Margerie - Are your kids in Spring Break yet?  With three kids you must feel like their social director...LOL  

 Love and hugs to all

Good to hear from you, Debbie, and have a good recovery at home.