What do I tell my potential, new boyfriend?

Hello all-- Great thread! Just wanted to share that there is probably no one "right" way to approach this issue.

I started dating again last summer after about a 3 year hiatus from men following BC, divorce, and going back to school. The first guy I met online was incredibly sweet about it all. I did not divulge anything until he brought it up. We hadn't slept together yet, and one day we were fooling around on the couch and he just said jokingly, "So are those real??!!" I have a pretty nice looking reconstruction, esp with clothes on. So that lead into "the discussion"..but it started out almost in a humorous, light -hearted vein. It really didn't seem to be an issue with him, as far as the fact that one of my breasts isn't "real" or that I had had breast cancer. He also made an incredibly funny (to me) joke while poking fun at my ex husband.  I had told him that my ex told me pre-bc that he married me "for my t*ts'...so one day this guy said, "hell, I'd marry you for your T*T!"  I know it sounds weird and maybe a little demeaning, sorry if this offends anyone, but in the context of our relationship it was actually a pretty hilarious thing to say.We were only together about 6 weeks when his old girlfriend came back in the picture and we parted...but we are still friends to this day, and they have broken up, again. I will always appreciate what he did for me in giving me back my mojo!

About a week later I met a fantastic guy, even better than the first, in real life, not on-line. Must be that confidence was shining through...but anyhow, with him we had actually made love probably 4-5 times without discussing bc at all, when one day we were lying on his bed with our clothes on and he asked me to spoon with him, then he said, "Sweetie, do you want to tell me about your medical situation?"  I said "Not really, but I will..." and so I did. He was great about it, He shared that his grandmother who raised him had cancer and what an amazing woman she was. But I still kind of melt when I think of the caring way in which he approached it..making sure we were snuggled up together first, and actually asking me if I wanted to discuss it... I could have said no..and I can tell he appreciates my courage and strength in beating cancer.

After struggling to find my own answer to the question of how to tell a new BF, reading lots of threads, etc, I happen to think it is a private thing that I don't want to share with someone until I'm damn good and ready and/or they ask me. Luckily I can get away with this, in clothes...and even in a darkened room for a little while. This is after a re-do of my first botched implant reconstruction.

The second guy and I have been together now 5 months. He treats my good breast naturally when we make love, but I would like him to "pretend"  a little more with the other one...I think that will come in time. I have never been happier. I'm now glad my ex is out of my life..the one who married me for my t*ts and then dumped me in the middle of my bout with BC. My new BF has 1000000000 times more sensitivity than he would have ever had.

soccermom, I'm so happy for you, and inspired by you!

Ann

What a FABULOUS story, soccermom!!! Thanks so much for sharing it. I think that it gives so much hope to those of us who are scared to venture out and truly terrified that we'll be rejected for our "new looks." I'm more afraid of the cancer coming back and my becoming a burden or a stone-crasher, but your story is reassuring even in that way. Not all guys are jerks, right? I happen to have one now who just might turn out to be very special....if I give him a chance. I think I will!

~Marin

Ya know, as I think about the 'disappearance' of the last guy I dated he may have perhaps decided to back away because of my BC. I didn't initially tell him but we did discuss it a few weeks before I never saw him again so maybe he got scared? Both his parents died from cancer and he told me he had a terrible fear of doctors and hospitals (he's a pharmacist - go figure!). No matter the reason I suppose but it could be why he just never said "good-bye" to me.

(Why do we always need some sort of closure???)

thought i would repost this here -

going thru bc is difficult enough but the complications of dating again is sooo hard- i have been unfortunately been in both roles

i was married at 27 to the man of my dreams ! the most handsome sexy man i have ever meet and  6 months later he was dxd with a rare cancer ewing sarcoma- he had me by his side thru it all and he fought very bravely but sadly passed away 5 years later (still loved him bald and all ! )

i remarried, lasted 12 years  but the wrong guy and here i was at 49

divorced single mom of 2 girls and dxd going thru all the chemo and dbl mast/ reconstruction thinking how unfair it was for me to have to go thru this all on my own  (i had had a wonderful relationship with a great guy for a year but we split up right before my dx and my heart was broken but it was a blessing we split up before my dx for i would have always blamed it on my bc !!

and dating again ?  couldnt even imagine - bald and scared - who would want me when they could have a woman who was perfect and whole?? how would i even get back into the dating scene and would i even desire to? and my biggest concern was when do i tell a man about my bc? would i ever enjoy intimacy with a man again and guess what .....  when i least expected it i met a incredible man who loves me for me and the bc is not an issue for him- i started to feel alive again and many of those aches and pains miraciously disappeared

9 months out of chemo - just had the nerve to take my wig off- it was still really really short(i had super long blonde hair before and wig same too)

and i get introduced to this guy- my best "guy friend" gives me advice and says DO NOT TELL him anything about your bc- so i went on first date and didnt say anything-  2nd date, again friends advice tell him NOTHING! 3rd date - he is taking me to his friends bday party in his backyard- in I walk and there is about 40 guests- of course my luck one is someone I know and she sees me and screams OH MY GOD -i didnt recognize you without your wig on! UGHHH could you believe that! i quietly told her that nick didnt know about my bc- i felt like everyone had stopped talking and was staring at me!  so next day I tell him we need to talk since i figured he had heard her about the "wig"thing- well i proceed to tell him about my bc and he NEVER EVEN heard her! it has never been an issue since and here we still are 1 year later - i still dont know what i would do if we break off and date again-  its so hard to figure out when its the right time to say something- 

anyone else have experience with this issue??

zeamer3....One of the great things about online dating sites, for me, is the opportunity to "try out" relationships through email or IM-ing before actually jumping in. Also, Anne posted about some dating sites for people with "conditions" such as cancer, so it might not hurt to try one of them, although you said you don't want to feel compelled to discuss your bc.

http://prescription4love.com/index.cfm

http://www.cisforcupid.com/

I hear ya about getting lonely without a companion, but sometimes joining a group and just making friends can be the answer. But please keep posting here...I find it so helpful so be around those with "like minds" and like issues.

~Marin

Thanks Ladies for the pep talk   My therapist thinks that I haven't quite fully accepted that my marriage is really over and that I continue to assume all the blame for it ending because that way I can fix it!  I hate it when she's right!!  I do try to be proactive and fix things when they go wrong.  I'm not much for sitting around, so it might be time for me to take that step forward.  I wish online dating was around when I got married 15 years ago!  More options HA HA

I entered the dating scene after a divorce and dx. I had a lumpectomy. I've been with 2 men since that I never told, each for their own reasons. My surgeon did a great job and neither had any idea. The one I'm with now, his wife had died of breast cancer and the relationship was very very fragile at the start because he was so messed up by it. We wouldn't have survived disclosure. Now 3 years later, we're very much in love and planning to be together forever, and I'm well past the 5 year mark and heading to 10 years out. Yes, he might find out if we end up getting married, but it will be so long ago and risk of reoccurrence so low and our bond so strong, it will make no difference. I'm interested in whether others have approached this the same way.

I haven't dated anyone new since surgery, but I'm pretty sure, no matter how far out from tx I get, it has become such a big part of who I am (just in the ways it's changed my perspective) that I can't imagine not telling. I recently got back together with an ex, and I laid out in detail my risk of reocurrance and what that could possibly involve. That it would mean treatment for the rest of my life etc.. I wanted it out there jic. I feel he has the right to make an educated decision...love or not.

I also believe you have every right to reveal about yourself only what you want. But, I do have to say....if I were in a relationship in which someone withheld such a big secret (and considering his past, it's a huge secret) I would feel like they didn't trust in me or my love. I would feel quite betrayed, and maybe even resentful.

I do believe you're right in that if he loves you, your dx will not make a difference, and I hope your non-disclosure never will either. I hate to think of anyone living in fear of being "found out" about withholding a truth.

I'm totally not judging you, I guess whether my opinion is right or wrong, doesn't really matter.... it's kind of late to turn back now. It's not like after three years you can say "oh by the way, I've been meaning to tell you...." And honestly, I'm not even sure that's what I would advise/suggest. Since that's not what you're asking, I won't even try to figure that one out.  Just giving you my take on your question.  We're all very different in how we handle this disease.

I truly hope this never becomes an issue, and good luck to you.

Oh Beth,

  I love you for sharing your struggles, your efforts, and your attitude. You are an inspiration to me, a pre-BC surgery widow, with a long term limping relationship with a guy who has problems being emotionally connected. I moved 4 states away to take a good job elsewhere and we are still limping long 4 years later. You grab the gusto, ( must be a beer commercial) and show me that the risk in actually living life is worth it. My surgery is next Monday ,July 14. Pray for me that the nodes are not involved. I am healthy, damn it, and have always had a good breast shape, not willing to give it up, but reluctantly must, in order to assure survival.   Thanks for your message. Maggie/59, IDC, <1cm, estpositive, progesterone positive, diagnosed 6/;17/08. Will be a scar across the top. plus plus.

Hi -

 Just have to share this with all of you single ladies out there going through this "journey" - I am single but have been involved on and off with a man for 4 years,  His reaction to my very recent diagnosis (11/24/08) was, to wit: "Well, you smoke and you didn't get a mammogram for a couple of years, so you only have yourself to blame."  He also wants to take a "life mask" of the breast that I may lose in order to "memorialize its beauty so I can remember it."  Needless to say, I have told him to take a hike, so to speak.  At this time in our lives, we need to be surounded by positive, compassionate and caring people.  I am just curious - has any other woman out there received such a callous reaction to their diagnosis?  Blessings to all, Britt.

Okay, Britt, I gotta say this....THE GUY IS A TOTAL, EFFING ASSHOLE and you're WAAAAAY better off without him!!!! Geez, it's hard to believe that any decent human being can treat another like that, never mind when she is in a vulnerable position. Well, screw him! I truly don't think that I'd do the mature thing in your position and ignore his email but would, rather, feel compelled to respond (okay, childishly, I admit) with "Hey, I was thinking the same thing..sex with a guy whose dick is so small you'd think he'd encountered his own maiming experience is just not cutting it for me anymore. As I go through this cancer journey, I NEED A REAL MAN WITH A REAL, WELL-FUNCTIONING DICK! YOU DICK!!!  Oh, and good luck with 'someone else'...I hope she's not used to being satisfied!"

Let me assure you, Britt, that there are really kind, decent, loving men out there who can and will appreciate you....and you deserve one! Until you meet him, though, please stick around here. We are a great bunch of women....funny, compassionate and very helpful too! So even though you'd surely rather not have met us under these circumstances...WELCOME!!! You're with your friends and sisters now.

~Marin

Is anyone interested in this subject anymore???  I just want to make some comments re latesst dating.  When I first got the diagnosis/had my surgery, etc, I had been dating the same guy.  My reconstruction and implants did not turn out well.  But, being I was dating same guy, it was easier to deal with (although, I wa still uncomfortable and embarrased).  I wore a bra most of the time.  That relationship ended

 So, new guy  entered the picture.  He, matter of factly, told me about his liver cancer and the fact that he had 40% of his liver removed and he's doing fine and it most of it grew back blah, blah, blah.  That is when I told him about my bc.  I am still very very embarrased about my foobs.  I can't stand looking at them, let alone someone else.  So, needless to say, I always wear a bra or something and can't see myself exposing them to anyone.  Will I ever feel comfortable?  sigh....

Thanks FitChik, but it´s deeper than putting on pretty camisoles.  It´s about your body really not being whole.  For that matter a bra works just as well as camisole, sexy night gowns.  I have had entirely tooo many surgeries.  Including the three biopsies, 8 surgeries in 14 months.  Now, that is over the top!!!  I must say that I do enjoy sex, even with the bra or sexy top.  I have even ALLOWED my partner to feel these things.  He states that it feels good to him.  So, that works-although he could be grabbing my elbow or knee for that matter.