STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Sunshine99

Vandercat, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Cancer is such a scary, ugly word! We all get that. I'm sorry you couldn't donate blood. That must have been so upsetting to you - like you're trying to something good, and you get shut down because of the stupid cancer.

I hope you find comfort in the coming days as your treatment plan gets underway. Do check out the other threads on this forum. I think you'll find them very helpful.

(((hugs))) to you,

Carol

bcincolorado

Vandercat I just reread your post again about not being able to donate blood. I'm sure it is for your protection right now as well. I know they are trying to do the best for everyone involved even though donation is needed so much and saves so many lives. I never was able to donate even prior to cancer but because my blood pressure was low and I did not weight much at that time. They thought I could not physically handle it. After cancer and the hormonal therapy added a lot of weight and everything now I have another issue of cancer to deal with.

KIDI919

Vandercat, like every unwanted change in our life anger and depression are normal emotions. I too have been treated for depression for many years and it's a struggle sometimes. I recently lost someone dear, dear,dear to me and once again I'm in a pit of darkness. There is hope tho... try to stay busy, concentrate on the good things in your life. There is a lot of support to be found on this forum and that certainly helps. You don't have to go it alone.

KIDI919

I do have a bitch tonight which I'm going to unload on here since the one person who would understand me is gone. My husband almost EVERYTIME my phone dings says, "ding dong!" My sister txted me a picture of our 2020 girl camping trip. The white-haired lady is my SIL who just passed away in Dec. So, I'm sad, ok? Earlier this am there was a group message from my sisters, after every ping he said ding/dong. What was that all about he wants to know? I said when your phone goes off I don't say anything. ( cause I don't give a fuck.) I did not say that but I did say ERRR can you not do that!!! So now he's mad but I don't give a f about that either. He's very nosey. As I'm writing this I'm thinking how stupid it all sounds. So it's not world hunger but it is my bitch for the day. My son makes the t shirts every year for our trip and we are known as the shrews.

we meaning my sisters were named shrews by my sisters x husband.

tsaerb20

Hello sas,

GOOD FOR YOU! I felt that I had to do other people's jobs for which they were getting paid! Constantly on the phone wondering why the Oncotype test results hadn't come back after I would show up at my appts & still NO RESULT. It took 7 WEEKS! Surgeon verbally assaulted me over this after I called his office 3 TIMES for advice. It was a nightmare dealing with each of the 3 facilities. The stress level was incredible because of the people & what I consider to be mental abuse of someone over the age of 65. I could do anything a 20 or 21 year old could do ( I was in that good of shape physically in everyway). I gave it back to them! Tied my hands at the place you referred me to then beat me up for something THEY DID or DIDN'T do. Worse human beings I've ever met in my life! I could continue but I gotta go right now.

mistyeyes

Vanercat- so sorry that you have cancer, but glad that you found your way here. This is a good place to vent and share any feelings. You are talking with people who know how you feel. When I first was diagnosed I did not look too far ahead, I was in shock and felt numb for a while and just did treatment one day at a time. Post whenever you need to.

Vandercat

bcincolorado, KID 1919, mistyeyes - Thank you for your welcoming words. I feel like I was hit by a truck. I am having a consultation with a top surgeon at a major cancer center tomorrow. The appointment isn't until mid-afternoon, I can't imagine what I will do all morning (other than biting my nails and thinking about throwing up). Tonight I'm all anxiety.

bcincolorado

Vandercat keep us posted. I remember feeling like I just wanted to drive in my car far away and go somewhere but of course then logic would kick in and I realized it would not solve anything. We are here. The larger hospital based systems often have good integrated care to coordinate things and good nurse navigators as well who can help explain things in patient friendly terms when doctors might speak medical stuff you may not understand at first either. Mine gave me a huge book all about breast cancer and showed me where mine was and walked me through it all. They also usually have good patient portals for accessing your results which is helpful as well. Keep us posted!

ctmbsikia

Hi Vandercat. Sorry you find yourself here. Hope you have a good visit without any vomiting today.

ctmbsikia

Covid19 can go suck the big one!! I think all of us have pandemic fatigue. I haven't done much of anything for 3 weeks now besides work. Sunday, the only time I opened my mouth to speak was at the grocery store. The cashier there has a young wife (46) whose bc has come back (or was never all gotten the 1st time), she went for a 2nd opinion, changed centers, and is awaiting further treatment. Just the conversation I wanted to have with the only person I had contact with! He was very well versed in this disease. A great guy, played softball with my husband years ago. My son and girlfriend had covid19, and they are fine now. My sister in law just texted that she is positive. She and her hubs are dong OK with it. Good friend's husband has it but she is negative. He's upstairs, she's downstairs! Reached out to another friend whose hubs died from this horrid virus to see how she's been faring.

I hope you all are doing well. My sinuses hurt a little but I think it's just the cold/dry weather. There's a possibility of a storm Friday night into Saturday, if that happens, it will make weekend #4 of doing nothing!! At least I can get a work out shoveling though! Staying sane for now. Did you order your free tests? Do you think they are accurate?

bcincolorado

All we do here is stare out the windows and if it a semi "warm" day (winter in the Rockies you know) we might open the front door to let more sun i the house and keep the storm door shut and locked. Not today. Snow and COVID keeps us in most days watching the world go by. So sad.

ctmbsikia

Today is 8 yrs for my Dad. It’s also 6 years at my new job which is less stress and less money Oh well. I saw the MO today. He’s fine. He doesn’t do breast exams and at this point I don’t care. Have new insurance he put in a claim for Prolia will see what happens.

Vandercat

Hi folks - it seems I can only sleep for three hours at a stretch these days. I have seen my surgeon and am scheduled for a surgical excision next Tuesday Feb 1. Tomorrow starts the round of pre-surgical testing (very far away), to be followed the next day by a covid test (inconveniently far away AND a snowstorm), then I get a day off. Sunday the day of rest? Monday is the radioactive seed placement (in the inconveniently far away place), which sounds like an exercise invented by a demon. Then comes Tuesday. A couple of hours alone on public transportation, and then it's showtime.

I am stunned and shattered. My cat is worried about me.

Dancemom

vandercat, my center hooked me up with a program called "Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster" by Peggy Huddleston. You are instructed to listen to the recording 3 times a day. I am not a meditation person by any means (even Lamaz pre babies didn't go well), but i decided to give it a try. It REALLY brought down my anxiety level hugely!!! If you can't access that one, find some sort of guided mindfulness to listen to. I usually fell asleep during them in my bedtime listening but it stuck anyway. At first I'd wake up, so I'd restart it and fall asleep quickly again. 3rd night I didn't need to restart it.

Public transit here too. I did have a car bring me home after the mastectomy. No way could I have done bus then. Even last week, 2 weeks out, the jostling was not pleasant. I would suggest you have someone pick you up after. Most places won't let you leave without an adult companion after anesthesia.

All those other frustrations ladies, I hear you!

tsaerb20

To AliceBastable,

I didn't know you were referring to smoking. I didn't know you smoked. We need to fight to maintain our health no matter what & not quit. That's what I meant. I am also a septuaginarian.

Sunshine99

Vandercat, I'm so sorry. I wish I could help. Things are so crazy for you right now and I hope they settle down soon. Come back and let us know how you are doing.

(((hugs)))

Carol

bcincolorado

Vandercat I am know this is very stressful for you right now and hoping it goes well and you heal quickly. Wishing you the the best.

KIDI919

Vandercat, sending you good thoughts. I hope you have someone to be with you. Your cat is upset because he/she knows something isn't right. I often wish I had another kitty. They are great companions.

Vandercat

Thanks for your words of support, folks. My surgical excision (sounds better than lumpectomy) is scheduled in five days.

I have been sleeping poorly and having middle-of-the-night crying/sobbing/bawling/cursing episodes. My therapist told me to tell my psychopharmacologist that I needed anxiety meds immediately, so now I have lorazepam I can take if I need to.

Tomorrow I drive an hour for pre-surgical blood and other tests. The day after I drive half an hour (in a snowstorm) for a Covid test. Trying to put one foot in front of the other.

NotAsCalmAsILook

Vandercat: that’s what this is… this cancer shit. You just keep doing what you need to do, one foot in front of the other. Driving yourself to be poisoned, stabbed, poked, prodded, shot, laser beamed, against every other instinct. You can do it through tears. You can be angry or anxious. You just keep going.

I’m glad you’ve got a therapist to advocate for you and hope you have a support system of family and friends you can call upon…. You’ve definitely got us

bcincolorado

We are here for you and feel free to reach out and we are are here.for you pulling for you vandercat.

tinkerbell65

Vandercat - Sorry you're going through this. Being far away from the appointments, plus the pandemic adds to the emotional toll this is taking. It sucks, all of it.

I find myself feeling sad about everything - finances, med side effects, lingering pain, etc. Mostly, I realize that my identity is now "cancer patient". I go to medical appointments more than I go anywhere else. I just want to go back to when I felt like myself, and not some old lady with cancer.

bcincolorado

tinkkerbell I hear you! We keep a calendar upstairs just for medical appointments. Between DH who is a transplant patient and my health issues as well we can't have double up on anyone's appointments at all. We keep a second calendar downstairs by the garage door on a bulletin board we put up in our laundry room with all the birthdays on it so when go out to our appointments we can look at it and make sure we have cards for anyone we need to get a card for to get out in the mail. We do not have enough room to put it all on one. Sad.

On another note.....I finally got my appointment scheduled that took almost a whole month get scheduled for my follow up ultrasouund on my issue they are watching. Will take 3 more weeks to get in but at least it is scheduled. I doubt if I'll die from whatever it is in there between now and then.

Spookiesmom

I hear ya. Except for me, it’s trying to cordinate my cataract surgiand follow ups with my gf, who has her own dr stuff. We ran into this last year with her cataract surgery. In February I have 7 dr appointment the dogs go to groomer, and she is doing PT. My DD is a teacher. SIL is a nurse, so can’t ask them to drive. Public transportation here absolutely stinks. I’ll work it out.

bcincolorado

Where my mom lives in her building the bus goes right outside at least. They also have a "senior bus" that goes there since a lot of them can't drive anymore certain days of the week and will take them and drop them at the grocery stores and wait while they shop and take them back again. We do have one health system here in town that they send their own vans around and take patients there to their appointments there. Of course you are stuck there all day until the return trip but they feed you there while you are there and have activities to keep you busy at least and you are not out in the cold. I know there are a few in my mom's building who use that one too.

AliceBastable

My Medicare Advantage plan has a transportation benefit for medical appointments, I think it can be used up to 20 times in a year. I've never used it because Hubby has several months of sick leave accrued so he takes me to all my appointments and tests since I don't drive, but it's nice to know it's there if I need it. I think it just needs 24 hours advance notice. Anyone on a Medicare plan should check their benefits if they're in an area with iffy public transportation.

Spookiesmom

It’s just the cataract surgery that’s a PITA. I can drive the rest of them. But good reminder on the advantage plan transportation.

Vandercat

It is too late to get a copy of "Prepare for Surgery Heal Faster" but I watched a little video and appreciate that it works. I have been struggling with depression and self-loathing for decades, and the meds help but do not alleviate the psychic pain. Tomorrow I have the radioactive seed implantation to look forward to. The clip that was put in during the biopsy came right out, so they will have to hunt for the nasty spot. Not looking forward to mammograms with my boob hanging down with a needle in it.

Then Tuesday is the big day. I will have to take a train and a cab (~90 minutes) to get to the hospital for the procedure. A friend has permission to leave work to come and pick me up afterwards. In between the transportations, I will go under the knife. I am scared and despite reading a lot here, I don't know what to expect

bcincolorado

vandercat hang in there. The wait is hard going into it and they will do everything to make it as smoothly as possible for you. If you let them know you are very nervous or if you know if there are issues with anesthesia at all (it makes me throw up afterwards) they put a patch on me to help with the nausea and it worked a lot. There are work arounds. Sounds like you are having lumpectomy being done. After mine they gave me even a tiny ice pack to put inside my bra to help with swelling even. I am glad you have someone to take you home after your surgery. Will keep good thoughts.

AliceBastable

Vandercat, my biopsy was done without a clip because I have metal sensitivities. When I had my lumpectomy, my surgeon had no trouble finding my tumor. It's really a much easier surgery than I thought, and I felt fine afterwards. Ice and a snug sports bra are good for the healing time.