STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Lita57

I've always thought it was the toxins in our food and environment....but look at all these LITTLE kids who get various cancers.

They haven't LIVED ON THE PLANET long enuf to be exposed to the plethora of chemicals we've been exposed to.

L

AliceBastable

It's a weird human foible that we can't seem to handle unanswered "why" questions. But the half-assed answers seem to do more harm than good. I've had three kinds of cancer, plus basal cell skin. If I decided to dig around on Google, I'm sure I'd find totally contradictory reasons why I had each of them. I'm much more concerned with "where do I go from here" than "how did I get here?"

movingsoccermom

Well Ladies. I HATE THIS STUPID HATEFUL AWFUL DISEASE!!!!!!!!! Oncotype score 3! Yes 3!!!! And I not only have recurrence, it might be mets, although many more tests to do (PET scan not good). And HOW DARE THEY talk about diet when they have willfully let chemical and food companies poison our food. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meow13

I hope it is not a metastasis, we need a cure. My oncodx was 34, because I refused chemo my mo was expecting mine to recur had a few scares but thankfully still good on year 8. I can't stand the media image of such advanced medicine breast cancer is under control, it is NOT. Better safer and more effective medicines NOW.

Lita57

Okay, ladies….need the wisdom of wiser, more experienced people.

This has NEVER happened to me with a so-called "friend" before.

Every time I'm on the phone with this particular friend, the conversation reverts back to her asking me why my adult daughter, 25 ½ who lives with us, is NOT paying us rent.

I give out the usual explanation: She only works part-time for an art collective and uses that money to pay off her student loans, pays for her other personal expenses (which we don't subsidize), and pays for purchases on the credit card she shares with my DH.

Rents are astronomically high out here. A simple studio apt in a halfway decent neighborhood goes for more than $3,500. Incidentally, before I became ill, I was barely taking home that much – I would have had to get roommates too!

DD is also the backup "invalid caregiver" for me when DH is out of town. We should be paying HER!

"Why doesn't XXXX get a better paying job?" friend asks.

No one will look at your resume if you don't have at least 2 yrs at your current job. They don't want "flakey" employees even in the art world. DD has another year to go before she can start looking elsewhere (she's already putting feelers out).

Well, the phone calls always end up reverting to a shouting match. I try not to say anything insulting or hurtful (turning the other cheek, if you will), but I've had to tell her to shut up, as in, "Will you PLEASE shut up so I can finish my thought…" It's very frustrating, and I'm always upset for hours after hanging up.

And besides, who the flick is SHE to tell us what to do with our adult child when she does NOT have any children herself? [I know that's not a tactful question, and I've never asked it.]

My husband says this has got to stop. I'm a Stage IV cancer patient. I don't need to be this frustrated. I need to be calm, not agitated, or distressed.

So, ladies, should I dump her (ghost her) or give her ONE MORE chance, with the rule being "My daughter, her job, and her living situation are totally off the table. You break that rule, the phone conversation ends, and you are no longer my friend."

Any help with this would be appreciated. I don't want to lose this friendship…she's a fun person, but she's VERY opinionated, and enough's enough.

L

Meow13

Lita, I think it is really rude of her to poke her nose in your business. You shouldn't have to explain anything. Many people have adult children living at home. My son just graduated from college. He lives at home 24 years old, I want him to get a job but he can stay as long as he likes with us. He doesn't need to pay outrageous rent it is a total waste of money. I wouldn't charge my son rent even after he gets a job. My older son left at 26 years old lived with us a year and saved all that money to get him started.

Now my oldest 26 years old is totally on his own and has zero debt. I will do everything I can for my youngest so he remains debt free.

Yndorian

Lita_ You talk to your friend about your beautifull daughter, how wonderful is she, how happy are you that she lives with you, how blessed you feel because you have a daughter who cares about you, etc.etc. (it isn't a lying) Everytime your friend says something about your daughter you talk how wonderfull is she. Your friend will be so bored that she won't ask you about her anymore. Believe me, this method will make any discussion unneccesary. LOL

ctmbsikia

Does your friend have children?  Is she of a competitive nature?  There's some reason she frowns upon your daughter living at home.  If she can't be truthful with you on why that bothers her, then I would just leave it alone.  If shouting continues, then I would say perhaps the relationship has become a little too toxic.  You know her best.

I have a son who still lives at home.  We don't charge him rent, but he does handle all of our cell phone bills, and he will basically help our with anything we ask.  He is also 25, works 7 days a week, and last yr he grossed more than his Dad and me!

I'd also like to know why our cells go stupid and cause cancer.  I am also of the belief that NO ONE did this to themselves, so I'm on the STFU train of diet, exercise, and alcohol consumption.  

Betrayal

Lita57:

My neighbor, who also has no children, offered her unsolicited sage opinion of how I should be raising my children on more than one occasion. Initially I was polite and turned the other cheek but then it got to be overbearing on her part. I finally had enough and told her that was setting boundaries for those conversations; I would not offer her advice about her life, if she would agree to do the same about my children's lives. When she would start again, I would terminate the conversation.

Both of my children lived home rent free but were responsible for their personal expenses while they were in school and on occasion while between jobs. Maybe they did not help out as much then but I can tell you they are now productive citizens with families (even if one is fur babies), and they are available to me as I need them. MY DD is the designated "critter sitter" when we are on vacation and okay the fringe benefit is she gets to live in my air conditioned abode while we are away. It is a great trade off since boarding fees alone would exceed the AC bill with our menagerie. My DS works nearby and has picked us up after invasive procedures where we needed a designated driver, etc. He has done numerous garden chores that I can no longer do because of LE and he is just a phone call away if we need him. I am proud of how they have evolved. Both have a large group of friends that they support and in turn support them as well.

So I support what you are doing for your DD which is giving her a chance to get on her feet. She will find her wings, leave the nest in all due time and then do you proud. If she is serving as your "caregiver" this is her "rent". I would very politely tell your "friend" what boundaries you would like honored about your DD's life and be explicit about what the consequences of her not honoring them are. If she is truly a friend, she will respect you and them. A friend should not be inflicting pain especially when you already have more than your share. Hugs.

Cowgirl13

Lita, I think your second suggestion: "give her ONE MORE chance, with the rule being "My daughter, her job, and her living situation are totally off the table. You break that rule, the phone conversation ends, and you are no longer my friend."

Buy putting this out there, exactly as you stated, you are giving her a chance to change her abusive ways. However, I don't think she is capable of stopping this behavior, but, by putting it out there so clearly, it will help you let go and not have any regrets about axing her. She will have had a chance to change but didn't.

BTW, I dog sit for a friend who lives in Union City. I love the change from San Francisco, where I live.

Beesie

Lita, since you would like to keep the friendship, I'd suggest starting a little more gently, with a polite but firm approach. Next time your friend brings up the topic, maybe say something like: "You know, this topic seems to come up every time we speak. Here's the thing. DH and I have an arrangement with DD that we are very happy with and that works well for all of us. That's all that counts so let's not discuss this any more, okay?" And if she insists, follow with "I really don't want to talk about this any more with you. We are happy with our set-up, don't plan to change it, and aren't interested in anyone else's opinion or input." And then change the subject. From then on, any time she mentions it, remind her that "We're not talking about this, remember?"

I think that would be clear but also polite enough to keep the friendship. However if she continues to raise the topic and persists about it, then you move to the 'one last chance' discussion. I think that going to 'one last chance' right away, without giving her a clear warning first, might end the friendship right away.

april1964

could you perhaps just say that it’s not her business? i don’t think it’s very nice of her to upset you like that

movingsoccermom

Lita, My daughter also lives with us rent free. She has written her first novel, has submitted to several agents, and is working on the second. She watches our house and pets when we are traveling, helps with cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. When people ask us about her, I point out that many of our greatest authors have died penniless, alone, and unappreciated--Thoreau, Melville, Poe, Wilde. And artists like Vermeer and Van Gogh. We have chosen to support her artistic efforts and choose for her to write from a safe place, where she is surrounded by love. If someone cannot understand that, they don't have much interest in the beauty that makes the world a better place. Nor does their opinion mount to a hill of beans. Bless you for supporting your artist daughter. I usually explain that in the end it is no ones business but ours, and non-supportive comments are not welcome. Best wishes.

Lita57

Thank you, ladies, for the great advice ;o).

I will put it to good use. I feel a little better about the situation today.

L

bcincolorado

Lita,

I concur. I have a dear friend whose adult son and daughter in law live with them to help pay off student loans. They had moved into her family home when her mother was alive to help care for her mother before she died. Multi-generational homes were the norm for many years and is still common in many cultures. Your friend show not judge and maybe she is really jealous you have a close relationship with your own child and she may not. If you value the friendship and do not want to confront her you can always change the subject too if you feel the conversation turning that way again.

runor

Lita, I agree with Cowgirl in that you answered your own question, you are perfectly free to tell this person that discussions about your daughter are off the table. If you try to do it nicely, bullies see this as an in to start grinding at you again, so I think explaining yourself is sometimes, depending on the situation, the wrong approach. You are not obligated to explain your reasons to anyone. Your reasons are your reasons, end of story.

It seems to me you and this person have been friends for a long time. You say you have yelled at her before over this. This means that when she 'attacks' you get defensive. WRONG APPROACH! Next time she asks why your daughter is living with you rent free, you could employ a little fictitious storytelling.

Friend: Jeez Lita, she's 25 bloody years old, don't you think it's time you weaned her already?

Lita: (in quiet, whispering tone) Well, between you and me, Hub and I are pretty sick of her. She wasn't a planned pregnancy and we made the best of it but here she is 25 years later, still a weight around our neck. Like, move on already. I have advanced cancer, like I want my last days to be surrounded by the people I love or something like that. Obviously she thinks we love her more than we actually do. Poor deluded thing. We have talked about, you know, hiring someone to help her have a little 'accident' if you know what I mean. A few weeks in the hospital in a body cast would be a nice break for us, that's for sure. But those accidents don't come cheap and with her living here, sucking up all our resources, we don't even have enough money to hire someone to push her into an empty pool. It's a real problem. Hey! Maybe you would like to loan me a few thousand so I can hire some thugs to rough her up and tell her to get the hell out of our house! THat might make you feel better since you seem to really resent her too. I think $6000 should cover it. I'll take that in hundred dollar bills. Bitch.

Sarcastic? Hell yeah? If she doesn't get the point after that she's brain damaged, unfriend her!

jo6359

I ended a ling term friendship during chemo. At times, I do miss the friendship but mostly I feel relief. A person can have a friendship for many years but that doesn't necessarily mean the Friendship is a healthy one. I enjoyed hearing the different stories regarding adult children living at home. let me briefly share with you a friend's story. She and her husband are very low income due to his long illness. She has her 40 year old adult daughter and her boyfriend living with them. Neither the boyfriend nor the adult daughter contribute anything to the household. They both have well-paying jobs but they do not contribute money nor do they assist with any bills or housework. My friend will rant and rave about the living situation. I do not offer any advice. Because quite frankly It isn't any of my business. after a few minutes of listening to the ranting and raving I gently redirect the conversation. I also know she has no intention. Of asking them to leave the home.

ADDK

Lita, most people ask questions because they care, are interested, curious etc. Some people ask questions as an opening to express their disagreement, indignation etc. by getting you into a discussion where you must defend you choices. I´ve learned that the latter is rhetorically best handled by in a one-liner replying exactly what they are thinking. In line with this, the answer to your friend´s question why your grown up daughter does not pay rent could be: It´s because we are bad parents, and our daughter is a lazy bitch. This strategy usually leaves the questioner speechless, but once he has got a hold of himself the conversation can go on with other topics as if nothing has happened.

jaycee49

Does anyone else wait three weeks for scan results? I had a Pet/CT last Tues. and I know I have to wait at least a week for my MO to have them. I called this AM (after two other unsuccessful unrelated phone calls) and the person who answered said we usually do that at your next office visit. That would be May 28. Many times I've waited because it usually takes me longer to get in for the scan. This time, the scan was sooner after my last MO visit so we're talking three weeks. That's too long, even for me. I hate it when the person on the phone acts like this is my first rodeo. I've been doing this for three years and I KNOW what the usual process is. I'm asking for results now. Is that so hard to understand? I asked her if she would want to wait three weeks. I'll be talking to MO about the people who answer the phone and maybe educating them better. And runor, I know, in Canada you wait MUCH longer and I shouldn't complain but I am.

Lita, I never would have made it through one shouting match. I don't do them, ever. She would not be my friend already. Maybe that's why I have very few friends. And you know the story of my son and his wife's $700,000 1024 sq foot house in San Jose. Real estate of any kind in that area is RIDICULOUS. Does she not know that? Maybe she wants you to kick your DD out so she can move in.

jo6359

I would not waste my energy on a shouting match with Friend or Foe.

Lita57

Very funny, runor!

But I can't make up a fiction. DD WAS A PLANNED pregnancy. Waited a long time, was 35 when I had her, etc. Just gonna stick with the terms and conditions and tell her mind her own damn beeswax.

L

Meow13

Lita, it really sparked an outrage for me. Maybe our homeless situation or people in severe debt crisis wouldn't be so bad if families took care of each other. I think it is stupid for "friends" to tell you what you should do. I have heard so many stories about getting kicked out at age 18 to fend for yourself, why did they have the kids in the first place? Makes me angry. And for you Lita you probably want your daughter with you, close to you. I would. I am not at immediate risk of death but it is likely I might not see age 75 or 80, time is precious.

candy-678

Jaycee--  I do think we are soul mates.  YES waiting 3 weeks is too long for the results.  I think the MO offices get too busy and lose the human perspective.  They would not want to be in our shoes and have to wait on pins and needles for the results.  They need to be reminded that they are dealing with human lives.  I would MAKE them tell me the results NOW.  How about going to the Medical Records Dept and signing for the results to be turned over to you?  That is what I do.  I get my labs, CT's, etc done at my local hospital and then I go to Medical Records after a few days and sign a release and the receptionist hands me the typed report.  Perfectly legal.  The MO might not like it, but oh well.  My body, my results.  

Keep us informed.

Meow13

One of the reasons I chose Swedish Medical for my treatmemt is the way they treat cancer patients. My oncologist works very long hours goes to all the last symposiums and it seems like he is always available when I call. Also when I had my mastectomy I was put in a wonderful hospital room with a sweeping view of Seattle and puget sound 10th floor I think. The nurses were so good to me. My breast surgeon said the best facilities and care for cancer patients.

I'll never forget I had a scare on my MRI and they booked me asap for biopsy. I had the biopsy wednesday midday and that friday night at 7:30pm my mo called to say everything was fine. I remember the next Monday morning the radiologist called to tell me good news. I told her, oh my doctor called Friday to tell me. She said yep he is the best.

jaycee49

Medical Records is in a really hard place to get to at my hospital and I don't want to make an extra trip down there. Pet scan results are not posted on the portal either. I first thought that results that need MO discussion are not posted but then I remembered that my BIOPSY SHOWING METS was posted. What a stupid contradiction. I almost wish I hadn't called and just waited. Now I have to sit on my phone and make sure it is charged all the time. She may not even call since it is Friday. I forgot it was Friday.

candy-678

Meow--  You are very lucky indeed!!!!   I like my MO  But she is a mom of 3 young kids and someone who knows her told me "she is a mom first and a doctor second".   I think that it is right and good that she cares for her family first, but as a cancer patient receiving care from her I am selfish.   When we talked about scheduling my last CT, she told me if there was anything new she would call me.  I went to the office visit a couple of weeks after the scan (I had gotten the results 3 or 4 days after the scan from Medical Records) I found out she had gotten back into town from a family vacation the night before.  My scan was good, but what if it had not been good.  She was out of town and I am sure did not see the results until that morning.  I don't know what it will be like if I need her on her after hours.   And I know she works 3-day weeks in the office.  

candy-678

Jaycee---So sorry they are making you anxious.  Yes, you need to talk with the MO about the office staff and how they handle these situations.  I have the Patient Portal also.  I was told that the ordering physician clicks some button to release the results to the Portal.  If they don't go to the Portal either it is because the doc doesn't want the patient to see the results before they get to talk with them or simply a mistake in that they didn't click the button.  I hope you hear from them soon.

AliceBastable

Jaycee49, I have just the opposite situation. My PET scan results were posted (I think after I'd been told the results), but I had a follow-up biopsy on April 30 and I won't get the results until an appointment next Friday, the 24th. Nothing posted except the actual procedure, no pathology results. WAAAAY too long; I'll have an ulcer by then. I think I'll call and see if I can get the results by phone.

bcincolorado

Jaycee I had to get an EEG on the 2nd and still have no results from that one. My PET though got posted after a week on the portal. Our hospital system does not release to patients unless the doctor "releases" them to you. I don't know about yours but it may be similar. Ours has the policy listed on the website where you log in to the portal.

CreatureKeeper

Rants for the day:

I'm still fuming about a comment a co-worker made about those who don't go into work while fighting cancer or another such disease …. "What, are you going to sit at home and feel sorry for yourself?"

Guess what - I'm home on medical leave while on chemo. NO I'm not sitting around feeling "sorry" for myself. I'm home trying to HEAL myself, stay away from stress and the long commute plus avoid the endless co-workers who go into work sick as dogs because they can't or won't take a sick day off. 

2nd rant - Support groups that go off the rails

I've been attending a weekly support group that had a schedule of topics per session. Last week one member declared that they didn't want to discuss the topic for the evening (post-treatment). So instead they began a TWO HOUR session of their own. This person brought several bags of items, everything from books, their latest headcover purchases to a nearly used up bottle of their facial moisturizer for all to try out (kid you not). Plus they dumped their emotional and physical issues on the rest of us for good measure. 

I get it, everyone has their way of coping. I also get that some subjects may be difficult to discuss but they have to be dealt with at some point. However, my time as well as everyone else's is precious now. I want and need information to help me now and in the future. That is the point of the support group I'm attending. We are to learn and discuss a topic for the evening. I don't want to spend two hours listening to one person talk about themselves after they derailed the meeting. The person who is suppose to run the meeting didn't even bother to try and stop it. It left me drained and angry.