STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Lita57

Mustlovepoo.....

Yep, I sure do...marble poos; soft turd poos; pipe-shaped poos; runny poos; unexpected, explosive diarrhea poos. I went FIVE times in less than 8 hrs last night cuz I had my Gemzar infusion yesterday. Was wearing my trusty Depends, too, since I have anal/fecal incontinence, thanks to my 20+ brain mets.

Always a fun time around here, L

mustlovepoodles

LOL, yeah, a lot of people think its mustlovepoo. Of course, I was a nurse for 40 years, so I've seen a lot of poo in my time.

Okay, here's the long tale. My DH has been in poor health for over 10 years. Until the last year things had been rocking along more or less smoothly. We got through my breast cancer and his prostate cancer (simultaneously), the deaths of both mothers, the sale of our house and my mothers house, and the move into the full-time RV life. Beginning late last fall I began to notice my DH "slipping." He's 61 and takes a LOT of meds, so I thought it was just that. In Feb he began to have problems with balance and memory. CT scan shows he had a stroke sometime between June 2017 and Feb 2018. Their is also scarring near the brainstem possibly due to his other condition. All of this can cause his symptoms.

Here's his problem: Despite him using multiple forms of reminders, DH constantly forgets things. Constantly. Today we have had 5 conversations about the potluck we're going to tonight. Just a few min ago he asked me about the spaghetti I'm cooking--there is no spaghetti cooking and there has been no mention of spaghetti so far. He forgot a doctor appt this a.m., despite several reminders yesterday. Thankfully, I was there to remind him AGAIN to get up and get ready.

And that doesn't even begin to address "the spelling bee." DH has never been a good speller, but now its 10 times worse because he cannot easily recognize words even with spell-check. Some days are worse than others. When he gets started though, its gonna be a long day. "Spell rabbit" "spell amen" "spell bolt" "spell strange", etc. Its endless. When he is telling me something, he substitutes words to the point that sometimes I can't figure out what he's trying to tell me. Interestingly, DH is still managing to do the bills and the RV & car maintenance. He can do minor house repairs. He walks the dog. These are all things that he has done since he was 14, so they are deeply embedded memories.

Here's my problem: His behaviors are driving me crazy. I'm irritable as hell from dealing with this all day every day. I try to be kind and loving. He's not doing these things to aggravate me. He is as distressed about it as I am. It probably doesn't help that we're both retired, so we have a lot of contact with each other. I have encouraged him to take a music class. I plan to take a knitting class. I don't care about knitting in the least, but it is one place where I KNOW he won't tag along.

I feel terrible about this and it is hard to disguise my frustration sometimes. I can't talk about this with anyone IRL. I'm already on several psych meds (I have bipolar disorder.) I feel like I'm in a Crazy House.

Lita57

Geez, mustlovepoodles, even retired people in "normal" r'ships get on each other's nerves.

I'm going thru a little bit of that w/my DH. Because I have brain mets, he questions EVERYTHING I do, and it drives me crazy. I snap at him constantly, asking, "Why do you question me all the time? I have St IV cancer, but I'm not brain DEAD yet!" We don't even sleep in the same room anymore.

His memory is okay, but I've noticed little blips here and there, too. We went away for a weekend, and you wouldn't believe all the stuff he forgot to pack that HE was supposed to be responsible for. I've written up an Excel spreadsheet for him now, where he'll have to check things off when we go away again later in the year. Whether he uses the list or not, is up to him. Ya can lead a horse to water....

L

Lula73

Lita-I use a spreadsheet to pack! I’ve got one for family trips, business trips, and couples trips! And that was before my memory issues from BC treatment - LOL! Now I’m glad I have them, who knows what I would’ve forgotten to put on them!

Egads007

Mustlovepoodles - I don’t envy your plight, you must feel torn in two most days...wanting to live up to the ‘in sickness and in health vow’ while also having a very human reaction of annoyance. My DH forgets things and there is no physical or emotional reason. I’m convinced he’s just a lousy listener. Some days he’s just a...well, a dunce! It drives me crazy and it can snap me from sugar to shit in a New York minute! Like you, I feel terrible if I let it show...but for crying out loud when I say “the car keys are on the counter” and he replies “what do you mean?” I can’t help but exclaim “what do you think I meant..peel the cantaloupe?!?!?” Sheesh. Now don’t get get me wrong, I love him like no other, he is truly my angel from up above, but some days I could drop kick him across the front lawn! My situation is no where near yours, but I get what you are feeling and sympathize. I think your idea of finding separate hobbies/classes to get a breather from it all is excellent (just don’t knit a noose lol!) My DH took up golf and I have the gym...it’s made things better for both of us. Perhaps you could check out support groups specific to your situation? I betcha there are specific online groups too (besides us...we’re here for you too!) Big hugs!!
P.S. I have noticed the poo thing for a while too, but was too chicken to say anything because you’re always so nice &kind. I’m so glad it was finally put out there LOL!

marijen

Wait a minute. You can peel cantaloupe! Rofl! I never noticed the poo 💩

Egads007

Marijen -Yes but you can’t start the car with the peels LOL!!

marijen

So funny! I know what you mean Egads!

Egads007

MARIJEN - LOL!! My turn to be a dunce...hows that for karma kicking my ass across the front lawn!

marijen

I don’t know Egads, maybe we should be thankful they’re so clueless. Just saying...

smwusaf

Mustlovepoodles - I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know that my grandmother had so many of the same feelings of irratation, anger and then, of course, guilt while she was dealing with my grandfather's alheimer's. Stroke, Dementia, Alzheimers, they are all so devasting at so many levels. Have you talked with his Doctors about support groups for memory loss patients and thier families? Grandmother (forgive me) poo - poo that but I know sometimes just getting with others to see you aren't alone is super helpful.

seriously - HUGS to you and your DH.

On a funny note one day my grandparents were making their beds (they slept in two twins) and Granddad said "Louise, have I ever been married?" Grandmother said "Well Jack, we've been married for 66 years." Granddad's response was priceless - "Then why the hell do we sleep in separate beds?" bwahahaha!! I miss them both so much.

mustlovepoodles

LOL, smwusaf. Guys never forget THAT stuff, do they?

No, I do not have a support group. DH is very sensitive about this. He doesn't like to talk about it and he doesn't like me talking about it, either. We live way out in the mountains, so there's not really a lot of services out here, beyond the local small hospital.

I have been a nurse for 40 years. I cared for my severely mentally handicapped son for 17 years, until I just couldn't do it anymore (DH can't care for him at all now.) I guess I'm a little mad that things have turned out this way. Although I knew that DHs illness would eventually get worse, I didn't anticipate that it would affect him intellectually. I thought our biggest problem would be his lungs and heart. I feel like I've been cheated and then I feel so ashamed!

smwusaf

Well stay strong mustlovepoodles, vent here if you half to or see if there is another online forum for memory care caregivers. Just remember, it's okay to feel all those things. HUGS

Artista964

Als/neuromotor diseases and Altzheimers/dementia are THE worst. None have cures, treatments to speak of (just lessening of symptoms), all are progressive and all are the most debilitating where eventually pt is bedbound unable to speak or swallow.

My bffs mother has altzheimers and is entering stage 7 of 7. Ive been with her on that journey since dxd a few years ago. Its horrible. Im praying my dad doesnt have als or pls or another of the horrible neuromuscular diseases.

I never complain to myself about bc and ses. With cancer, you stand a chance of remission, even in stage 4. There are txs to try. Many get back to their lives like before. With motor neuron shit and dementia shit, it's a sentence on death row for a slow aganizing death. Ill take cancer any day over that. Just being a close support to my bff and her ailing mother is rough to see.

Micmel

Roseabella~ I wholeheartedly agree. It's just devastating to watch. I am so sorry if someone here is dealing with this. My heart truly goes out to you. Much love and support. Hugs of strength, here is to the wonderful care takers, that everyday help and take care of those who need it. A big huge thank you and wishes of a rainbow of colors, with a huge freaking pot of some serious gold at the end of it. You deserve it. Best wishes and love ~M~

M0mmyof3

Really need to vent. Been really angry for a month over something my older brother said to me when I saw him while on vacation. Hubby and I are planning on retiring to where I was born when he retires from his job. So we started looking at properties while we were on vacation in late April/early May. Almost all of my family and people I knew back home, that we were able to see or talk to were very supportive of us retiring out there.

Not so much with my older brother!!!! My brother went so far as to tell me that we need to stay where we are because of: a) my health. b) we are outsiders and we won't fit in, even though I was born there! c) my hubby won’t be able to find a job out there! d) he acted like my hubby and I are rookies at buying houses! When he said that it really ripped my heart into shreds and made my hubby angry! Who gave him the friggin’ right to decide about what I should do with my life?

I know I may never be cancer free and I am at peace with that! He’s also wrong about my hubby and I on so many levels! Everyone we talked to about it said we would fit in and are not outsiders. They said I am still considered a local, even though I haven’t lived there since I was a little girl. He was dead wrong about my hubby not being able to find a job out there, my hubby signed up for job search sites and he has been getting flooded with job offers! My hubby and I are no rookies at buying a house or land. We know what we are doing and what questions to ask and what we need to do!

Ever since we got back from vacation, I haven’t communicated with my brother in any way. My brother has changed from the person I knew to a stuck-up jerk who thinks that the world has to run the way he thinks it should

JKL2017

M0mmy, sounds like he's jealous! When people say things to my DH that he has no interest in hearing, he smiles & says " thank you for your interest in National Security". They are so puzzled by his response that they usually shut up. Might work with your brother ....

jaycee49

Mommy, it sounds to me like your brother has some other reason for not wanting you there. None of those reasons he gave make any sense. Maybe he thinks you diminish his importance in the community or within the family in some way. Sounds like an arrogant jerk but he is your brother. Were you close to him in the past? Maybe talking about it with him would help. Holding in anger never does. Sorry you are dealing with this.

One question. If DH is retiring, why would he be looking for a job?

M0mmyof3

My hubby would be semi-retired as he has to wait until he is 60 to receive his retirement pension from the Navy, hence why he would have to work.

I used to be very close to my brother, but since he got in with people who he thinks are “rich”, my hubby and I are “poor” and not “worth being” associated with. I’m not the only one in the family he has taken this attitude with. His wife used to be very nice to me and my hubby, but she has become the same way now.

It would be useless to talk to him about this issue because he would say it is all my problem and that “you do as I say or else!”

Egads007

Mommy - if I were you, I’d move in right next door and throw a series of ‘redneck’ parties, complete with beer kegs, hay bales, live music, chickens wandering through the crowd and plenty of screaming children up far too late for their own good. Make sure the parties are held on the front lawn.

Seriously though, we can’t choose family, or control their hurtful behaviours.You can however separate yourself from his insecurities and forge ahead with your plans. Sounds like there are enough folks in town to make a happy life for you and DH.

mustlovepoodles

MOmmy, your brother's opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. I wouldn't give it one ounce of my energy. Who cares if you move to a small town? (Well, obviously, he does. But as of right now Brother's opinion doesn't count for squat.)

Heck, DH & I sold our house, gave away about 75% of our possessions and moved to a tiny town in North Georgia to live in our RV. His family thinks we've either lost our money or lost our minds. We have no relatives here and our only friends are fellow campers. No problem! Everyone in town greets us like long lost cousins, even inviting us to their BBQs and covered dish suppers. The librarian helps me use the scanner and fax machine for free. The guy at the donut shop knows what we want as soon as we step up to the counter. It's like Mayberry RFD and we love it. Best decision we ever made! I'm so glad we didn't let a few siblings talk is out of doing this.

M0mmyof3

The town we are looking to settle down in where I was born is very small (like 600 people) and almost three hours from my brother! My hubby and I decided that we will associate with those that want us there. It’s my brother’s fault that he turned out that way and hardly anyone wants anything to do with him.

runor

Not sure how to feel. Really, not sure. Just had this conversation with my mother.

"I was in town and ran into So and So and he asked how you were doing."

"Oh yeah. That was nice."

"I told him you had a little run in with some breast cancer last year but now you're doing just fine."

A little run in? A LITTLE RUN IN ?!?! Sleepless terror, upset stomach, shaking hands, fear of death. Injection in nipple, blood tests, ultra sounds, more mammograms, a frickin wire the length of a coat hanger stuck in my boob, surgical biopsy, cancer, lumpectomy, hemorrhage, more surgery, long recovery, mentally wrecked, lymphedema, chronic breast pain and a lingering unknown thing in my boob that they're 'watching', daily results of tamoxifen. A little run in?

I have no words.

jaycee49

A little run in? Sounds more like a multi-car pileup on a crowded interstate in CA with cars in all directions as far as the eye can see. No emergency vehicles can get through. But wait. A large group of tough looking men are coming to save you but they turn out to all be members of a Mexican drug cartel...

Egads007

Runor, playing the devils advocate here, would you have preferred her to tell the so and so that you are having a hell of a time with it? I have a bud that likes to tell the world about my medical history, every ache and pain. Now some folks approach me as if i’m as fragile as glass....very annoying. For me personally, I’d rather they not know at all, but if they do know, I want them to think I’m doing well. That’s just me though.

mustlovepoodles

Oh, gosh, Egads, you just described my mother. She once pulled my wig off to show a hairdesser--who I had only just met-- my 1/2" long hair. She wanted her to style it for me. Mother introduced me to all her friends and acquaintances as "My daughter C, the one that had the double mastectomy" at which point everyone looked right at my flattened chest. Yeah, thanks mom.

marijen

Runor, you must have made it look like BC was nothing? Or your mother doesn't listen?

My sister told a cousin I've never met that I had "health issues". What gave her the right? She has health issues! I would have preferred she said nothing at all considering. What a blab she is.

Was just listening to Lars Larson on the radio. Suicide is the third leading cause of death. The first two are Cancer and Alzheimers.

M0mmyof3

Isn't it amazing how insensitive our family members can be?

It’s like an old friend once said, “You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your relatives”

marijen

Or family members are nose pickers?

M0mmyof3

Lol