STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Micmel

Dianarose~💔🌷still praying it’s not cancer. You’re a beautiful strong woman. I don’t know how you do it. Travel, bake, help with DH!! You deserve this trip....

Meow~ I am speechless with sadness...I have been feeling some family issues myself, you would think cancer would make them wake up with fear. But it doesn’t seem to happen that way.

Meow13

Somethimes I almost blame the cancer for my family wanting to distance themselves. I am just sick about my son, the pain is pretty bad.

Artista964

and i feel bad mom's sad but i cant be responsible for her happiness. I have to be responsible for my own. We all need to be. I never completely cut her out and wont. Depending too much on others isnt good. Depend on yourself and whatever else is gravy. Ultimately my mom loves me enough to let me be and is taking what she gets from me. Ive been locked up before and thats the last thing they want to happen. They love me enough to let go of their expectations of how im not like so and so daughter or they weren't like me to their moms. Im an individual with flaws like we all have, not a cookie cut out of the cookie sheet. She chills with her friends in seattle as shes been retired for almost 2 years.

Artista964

families are different. If mine knew about my cancer stuff I'd be smothered which is not me. Best in my case noone knows. Let people be if thats what they need. It may change in the future but you can't fix people. I'd be nice if my fam wasnt the way they are and knew. The dream is theyd be loving supportive and let me be. But thats not them. Thats my bro. We've grieved over how the fam is and have become closer. So as much as it sucks for me too, it is what it is and i work through it. If i don't then im as good as done, and im not done with life yet.

Meow13

Well I can't help the way I feel. It happened very suddenly, one day he just stopped talking and caring. I am very sad and I honestly don't care very much about what you are saying. Rosabella this isnt you or your mom or your situation.

Lula73

meow- I’m so sorry. We’ve been through the same thing with our son who is about the same age. (I do wonder if it’s just a phase they go through). Things finally got somewhat better but he still has his days where we’re right back where we were with him shutting us out and wants nothing to do with us. It just hurts and there’s no relief for it. I finally had to say to myself and DH that we have a life to live and life is short. While I want to be a part of his life, he doesn’t want that and we need to respect his wishes and hope he wakes up one day, realizes what he’s done and comes back in the fold. To some extent I think doing just that actually helped him start to come back around. For so long our life revolved around him (School, sports, etc) so it was an adjustment for us. But on his side I think he thought he could treat us horribly and shut us out but still expected that we would be sitting here just waiting for him to come back into the fold and to be welcomed with open arms. And that we would continue to support him financially. It was a wakeup call for him when that was not the case. Especially when I got my diagnosis and he was upset that we wouldn’t see each other before I went in for BMX and I wouldn’t rearrange my surgery schedule to accommodate him. BC has not brought us closer. I think it’s time, maturing, figuring out what life is really like/about in the real world that does it. In the meantime we as parents, who love our children more than anything and hurt when they hurt, have to find a way to deal with the hurt our children inflict. I sincerely hope your son figures out whatever he’s struggling with soon and is able to take steps in a positive direction in his life and his relationship with you. ((Hugs))

Artista964

im trying to help you. It was sudden for my fam too. Noone is saying disregard your feelings. My taking the time to try and help you only to see you could care less, well then im done.

Micmel

Meow~I have a thread. And just yesterday I was letting out my gut wrenching feelings about my DD who is 22. All of a sudden she's just nasty to me and I am way to negative and I bring her down because I am never happy. Thanks for reminding me. As if I didnt already know that every single breath I take. She makes me feel bad for needing help, she makes me feel bad if she does the Littlest thing for me. She makes me feel bad for getting sick at all..She is getting married in September, so far she's wearing my dress, which is amazing, I found her shoes right away. Bought and paid for all linens associated, except her table, which she wants just a shade different, I am fine with that. I've bought all dinner wear (plates cups, dessert plates. Forks, spoons knives, beverage napkins) put down the $ deposit for the DJ.... and the deposit on the venue. I've had a special bouquet made for her, bought her wedding jewelry and purse. All bountanieers all bridal shower plates etc....forks etc... decorations. Centerpieces, table scatter. You name it. I feel the same sadness. I just don't understand why they can be so mean. Especially since they have been treated so well. One more thing of shit to add to the pile cancers left behind. I really feel your pain meow. I'm so sorry sweety.

Much love ~ M~

Egads007

Hi Meow,

Your situation is indeed sad. My son has cut his father off for the last 2 years. He also soured on that side of the family as well. His dad contacts me about it a lot and while I understand why my son has done it, as a parent I can’t help but feel my ex’s sorrow. My ex has brought most of it on himself unfortunately. I think after 2 years he’s finally getting it. Just recently they have started texting, and I’m happy to see that there are bridges being built. The one thing I’ve kept telling my ex is to not ever doubt that no matter how distant my son is with him, that at the end of the day he still loves him. Anger, resentment, disagreements or whatever the problem is, have such a devastating effect on families. Just don’t give up hope that bridge building can happen for you, or that your son does love you. His reasons for what he is doing to you doesn’t change the love he has for you as his mom. Try to hold that in your heart and remain hopeful that this could be fixable.I’m sincerely sorry for your pain.

Meow13

Micmel, thanks my son was suppose to graduate this year at college but last quarter half way through he withdrew from his life and failed all his classes. The previous quarter went poorly he called in tears before Thanksgiving. We picked him up everything seemed ok. At Christmas he told us he failed one class but it wasn't one he needed. He said next quarter will be different. He was happy talking then between Feb 14th and March 8th he stopped going to classes. He said anxiety and sleep distrubance. Well he found out he is out of the program. He is now in counseling. Today I took him to a doctors appointment and I knew something was wrong. Absolute silence. At lunch he just got up and left no word. So I walked all the way home. He was so mean to me I was physically ill.

I wanted him to take a break from college do something else then go back. Absolutely not he said so I paid the tuition. I thought I was helping him figure out what he needs to do to get his degree. He seemed to want and need my advice.

Doctor does not believe he is suicidal or anything close to that. His shutting me off is so hard to take. He used to care about things and the future but there is no joy or life in his eyes.

I believe he wants me to go away. The pain is so unbearable.

Meow13

thanks Egads, If I knew my son was going to be ok and happy I can deal with it.

kathindc

Sometimes you just have to step back and let them figure it out on their own or with professional help. Don't take it personally. That's not easy to do. Be there for them when they come around. It's hard, no denying that. It does hurt you to your very core. And yes, I've been there and done that. You may want to get some counseling for yourself if for no other reason but to get some guidance.

Meow13

Just talking with micmel and egads has helped. Others seem to make it worse.

runor

Meow, hope I am not one who is about to make it worse. But from reading the last few posts, it sounds like something is going on with your son, something within himself, that is beyond his control. When a person is steeped in anxiety and depression, they change. The way they stand changes, their posture changes. Their sleeping and eating changes. And how they relate to others also changes. And who gets it the worst? Moms.

I have a theory, and it's probably a stupid one, but it's one I repeated over and over to keep from placing my HORRIBLE teen daughter into foster care, because I was done with her, just done. Over and over I told myself that you don't kick your boat if you think you're going to sink it. While it is an abuse of power for our kids to mistreat us as they do, I think they do it because they know we can withstand it. Oh, they don't give a shit how we feel about it. That is not their concern. But they KNOW that they can crap on us and we are sturdy enough, dedicated enough, smart enough and loyal enough NOT to shut the door on their crabby, little faces. No. Instead we go away, lick our wounds, maybe put some distance between us, but show up and do what needs doing when they need us. And that's why they kick us. Because they know they can't punch a hole in the boat and make it sink. It is because we are good and strong and reliable parents that it is safe for our kids to act like shitheads. It is cold comfort, I know.

My perception is that you are hurt but also fearful for your son. He seems off track, struggling. I know when my daughter has a bad time in life her reaction to overwhelming situations is to lay the blame for ALL OF IT at my feet. I used to rise to the bait. I used to argue and try to defend myself and my actions. That's what made it effective for her. She played her part and me, all hurt and offended, played mine. So I quit. When she said, "I would have a better life if I had better parents!" I say, oh yeah. It's not a question. It's not a challenge. It's just flat and dull and holds no emphasis. "I'd be better off if I'd gotten pregnant when I was 14!" Oh yeah. "I'm going to quit my job and work as a prostitute!" Oh yeah. Our kids are often scared, confused and feel powerless but they have one super power, and that makes them feel powerful and bold and that is the power to make mom feel like shit. So they do it. Because they can be pitiful assholes. We love them. But they can still be assholes.

Meow, I hope your boy finds his way. He is struggling. You are a good mom. You did the right things. You care and that makes you vulnerable to being hurt. If you did not love your son he would have ZERO power to wound you. Hold the faith that this is a rough patch but he'll get through. Hold the faith that he will grow out of it and get a brain and realize what a turd he's being. You may need to distance yourself a little, and I am so sorry for the sickening pain this causes. I know it well. But you did your job and the next phase of becoming human, that's on him.

Micmel

oh.... my bad I thought we were talking about DD. Because ok it's amazing. I also have a son tooooo. A son that was mommy's little silly guy always making me smile and laugh, the same exact thing meow hapened to me with my son. He had his school all paid For. He said I hate it, I'm learning nothing. We said just get your associates and start from there into another program for bachelors degree. He went but he just didn't have what it took to do it. Plain and simple. We can lead them to water. But we can't make them choose the cool water drink instead of the trawl that has muck and bugs and days old oats in it for food choices. We can only do so much. Especially, if they aren't helping themselves. I gave him 30 days to get a full Time job...he got one. Wow Mom weeks are long. are things I am hearing now from him. I am wondering if they are the same age ? Seems to be the age of do or doom!! Hang in there darling. It does wax and wane. Like everything else does. Sending big hugs. I know it's hard. I cry everyday. For many reasons.... I just have to choose one, there at so many if we sit and look for them. But the kids they do cut like a knife. Oh yes they do. Much love ~M~ Waves to Runor, hi darling!!

Cpeachymom

My husband has a good analogy for this behavior- similar to runor’s explanation. They are so lost, tossing in a turbulent sea. We are their rock, so they are always crashing against us. Full brunt of everything. And somehow as parents, it’s our job to take it. My older daughter is a freshmen in college, and she’s trying to get a rise out of me. We live 12 minutes from campus, and first she started staying with friends on campus. Ok. Then she unilaterally applied to dorm on campus. Ok, but I’m not paying for it. Now, she wants to get an apartment with her friends. Ok. She works part time- good luck. She just keeps upping the ante. This way when she fails, she can blame it on me. But I won’t take the bait, I don’t do drama. She’s been my child her whole life, you’d think she’d know better. Growing up is hard, and the only way to do it right is to screw up!

Meow13

Thanks, I am obviously very worried but yesterday the hurt went right through me. It appears my youngest son is in a bit of denial he needs help. My older son thinks he is way too involved with a video game called Tera. He is losing his friends and resorting to playing on line. He is entering the next phase of life. I wish my older son could help but the youngest has never been nice to him or showed caring for him.

Unfortunately, I think he has to hit rock bottom before anything happens.

We all have one thing in common breast cancer, and many of us have children it really helps to talk with you.

Dianarose

My oldest son(37) and my youngest (18) are feuding. It was all a misunderstanding on the oldest sons part. He waited till there was a bunch of guys around then started screaming at him and threatening to punch him. Seriously, he was not raised like that! If he drives by the youngest son he gives him the finger. Really!!! When I tried to talk to him he told me to mind my own business or he’s done with me too. The youngest son cried as he was so hurt. The oldest is married with 4 kids. He reall needs to grow up. I’m tired of it.

Meow13

what we go through and breast cancer on top of it. For me the problems I can't fix I am praying.

Lula73

sounds like a bunch of us are dealing with this type of behavior with our toddlers -er, sorry, I meant young adult children - on top of dealing with BC. Thinking we might need our own thread for this topic.🙂

13kkan

Hi Lita57.

I start Gemzar next week. What has been your experience with this drug?

I appreciate anything you can tell me.

13kkan

Lita57

13kkan, I find that Gemazar is a bit easier than Taxol...not as much fatigue or gastro issues.

Problem is it seriously lowers your platelets which make your blood clot. It also raises your liver ALTs. I've had to postpone infusions a few times bcuz of this.

Will get scanned later in the month to see if it's working.

Lita57

Still having gastro issues (has to be the zometa without a saline drip this time), but hip is not so painful.

DD has been begging for. rhubarb berry cobbler. This is a different recipe from what I usually make. I'll let you know how it is . I didn’t put as many blackberries in it bcuz dd likes a higher rhubarb ratio to berries.

L

Lula73

Looks delicious Lita!

Lita57

Verdict is in...we like this online recipe better than my old one, which has a batter topping.

This one takes a little more work for the crunchier topping, but it's worth it.

L

JanetMara

hello 13kkan,

I had very low platelets when I had TAXOTERE,HERCEPTIN,CARBOPLATIN and PERJETA and my platelets were so low @ 38,000 and everytime i brushed my teeth even with soft bristles,my gums bled a lot and i had nosebleeding everyday,so in short,low platelets make you bleed,my oncologist gave me NEUPOGEN shot once and i tried to eat POMEGRANATE and RED BEETS which helped me raise my platelets naturally.

Liwi

Lita that cobbler looks delicious! You are a great cook

Janila03

I had the liver biopsy on Tuesday and yesterday my Oncologist called to say that the results were negative. She added that the radiologist swore he got good samples. She wants me to do a Pet scan on Wednesday just to be sure. I just saw the actual report online and no where on there do I see "negative" it says no component information for the results. What does that mean and did she say negative to spare my emotions ?? Ultasaound, Ct scan and MRI all identified highly likely mets to the liver. My spirits were on high after speaking to her yesterday after a two week depression after hearing mets and now this.

Janila03

Just noticed the day and time on the report is half and hour after the biopsy was completed. There's no way he would have gotten results so quickly. Perhaps this is just the report and the results although in, haven't been posted on my portal yet. I'm going to hold on to that thought.

BellasMomToo

Janila: That's great news! FYI, my patient portal never shows pathology/biopsy results, good or bad. I always have to get them from my doctors. I assumed they don't want the patient to see the results and jump to conclusions.