STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Artista964

dancingelizabeth, i bet none of them were cbt therapists. Look for ones who list it as type used. Of course you need to talk about what's wrong, that's why you go, but cbt teaches you how to change your thoughts that will in turn lift your mood. It's work on your part. And it takes time. And it's not pleasant until you mster the techniques. But stick to it and life becomes easier to deal with. If you can't change stuff then this is the way to go. Otherwise you remain where you are.

This type of therapy isn't for everyone, it's for those who really want to feel better, who are done being angry at things that they (really) can't change, are sick and tired of being so depressed and anxious all the time. Cbt is the only one that with a lot of work and tears worked for me, and i was at the bottom: suicidal. I tried killing myself. I have no SO or a unconditional fam, and just 1 friend literally. So few are worse off than me. Plus I'm on fixed income and live alone. None of these things have changed. I had to change my thought patterns or be locked up again. Stats are those who have been committed to a psych ward are likely to wind up there again. I was asked by a pt in there what is the # of times I've been in. Huh?

And it's horrible in there, and i was in a nice one. They take everything that you may use to harm yourself or others like cold meds i had on me and my cell phone. There are no power outlets in the rooms. Want to dry your hair, go in the tv room where you can be watched. Mirrors in the bathroom are what you see in prisons. No decor in the rooms, just desk chair and bed. All to prevent people from harming themselves or others. Food is like cafeteria. For me the thought of going back makes me vomit. You don't want to go there. People like me who have been in there can never work for the government jobs. It's on you record that they check.

Meow13

Extremely depressed today. Been going through problems with my youngest. He has some kind of anxiety depression that has caused him not to graduate college. Everything seemed fine until senior year then disaster I find out the last minute. Trying to help him. But he does not want my help. The 3 roses bushes I bought and wanted to put in this spring are still not in. I went outside to plant them. I can't the ground is filled with roots and clay.

My husband says is he was going to do that but a month later nothing. He is retired, I can't stand it anymore.

Why can't they recognize the pain I feel. I tell them all strsight to their face. What the hell am I doing here?

Ps spent 10s of thousands of dollars on my oldest and no degree.

Lita57

meow....just hire a gardener. That's what I had to do.

I love my dh dearly, but he makes gardening promises he doesn't keep. Got tired of the bullshiz and just hired a service that comes once a qtr. They transplanted some bushes for me.

It's well worth the $, and I don't waste energy nagging dh.

L

Meow13

Well my husband planted the bushes and the sun came out. I wish I could do more feeling so useless these days. And I fell off the exercise band wagon. Need to get back on.

Micmel

meow ~ I am sorry honey. My kids went through something similar.... effed it up and now are working full time jobs forever!!!!! Foooorrrr eeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrrrr!!!

That is how I pronounce forever also when I speak to them, I’m sure they’d like to punch me but oh well, at this point it wouldn’t even hurt after what I’ve been through ! It's not our fault. Tell them to get their asses up and plant the bush. I would get so frustrated at times I would just go outside and start slowly by myself . When everyone else realizes what's going on, they were tripping over themselves to get outside. If that doesn’t work, try just causally mentioning hiring a garden handy boy. To you're DH. Usually that threatens their manlyhood. Wake them turkeys up. I am going throug the same thing with my kids. It's an adjustment sure.... but for us it's nothing we can change. They most certainly can! I am sorry. ~M~

Lita57

Maybe I shouldn't be too pissed about this, but I AM.

I closed out an IRA back in January (so my husband wouldn't have to be encumbered by it after I die and have to deal with ID, death certificates, etc.), and I thought it was ALL taken care of. So, I get a STATEMENT in the mail today, and there's a BALANCE of about 30 bucks in the account now. WTF??!!!

Looking at the spreadsheet on p 2, the moneys POSTED AFTER the January 25 close out date. Now I'm going to have to go back to Wells Fargo and raise a little Cain. People are just imbeciles these days. How hard is it for ef's sake to close an account?

I'll tell you what, most of the people who work in banks these days are youngsters with NO ATTENTION to detail. I have better things to do (hello? Infusions!) than traipse to the bank AGAIN and deal with this. I'm going to play the CANCER card BIG TIME now. (I really didn't do it when I first went in there last year, but now I have no choice...)

Fun, fun, fun,

L

Egads007

Lita - how frustrating!!! I don’t blame you a bit for going back to raise hell....they should take you to lunch for your trouble at least!! My father died of cancer back in 99’ and after my mother did his final tax return (and very careful marked the ‘deceased’ box on the return) the tax people called my Mum and told her they needed my Dad’s signature. After picking herself off the floor she told the lady that my Dad had passed....the lady STILL insisted on a signature (obviously didn’t listen to a word my Mum had said). My Mum didn’t hold back and replied with ‘well guess you’re asking me to dig him up to get your damned precious signature!’ ‘Look at the deceased box checked off you idiot!’ Then she hung up. Never heard another peep out of the tax lady again. Small as it may sound my Mum still has a sense of satisfaction from striking back at ineptitude!

Go give em’ hell!!!

Meow13

You know when it rains it pours. So true. I won't go into detail but I have been working with a national organization chapter for over a year now. Did alot of work volunteering, I was asked to take on chapter officer duties as a HELPER just found my application for national membership has not even been looked at. It has been over 2 months I did alot of work on that application and feel like I was being used. This on top of everything.

kmajor

Hey everyone,

Before I lost my hair to chemo it was really long and blonde. I stopped wearing my caps a little over a month ago because I was finally comfortable enough to go without them. My hair is full and it's growing really fast but of course it's still short. So today I saw someone that I haven't seen since before I was diagnosed and I've known him for about 4 years. He says to me "You look like a man with boobs". I said seriously do you think I cut off all my hair for no reason and I informed him that I've been in treatment for cancer. He felt like crap after I told him that. I wasn't even mad but some people just do not think before they speak.

Egads007

Kmajor - you should have told him ‘yeah but my hair will grow back, your missing mouth filter seems permanent’!

Meow13

How horrible. You think I should know better at age 60, people are so unkind. What kind of a response does he think he'd receive. I need a permanent vacation, so mad I just got an email from the very person that told me the organization hasn't even looked at my application saying here is another thing you can do for us. Unreal what a slap in the face.

Egads007

Meow - email back and tell him to print and then where he can file his request! Sideways

kmajor

People are just rude these days that's for sure. I honestly didn't know what to say to him cause it just floored me that such ignorance came out of his mouth. People would stare when I was still wearing my caps and I would just smile and speak. The whole time I was thinking...OMG you would think these people never saw anybody with cancer before.

Meow13

kmajor, I am glad you told him, he should feel bad. I can't imagine what he expected your response to be.

Meow13

I still am mad. Can't believe I am allowing it to get to me. I should do the treadmill tomorrow morning.

Lula73

Lita- maybe the $30 in the account was due to an error further up the line on fees that they took out that they have now refunded. Or maybe it was interest on the IRA that wasn’t deposited before you closed it out for whatever reason. I’d just call and see if they can mail you a check.

NotBrokenJustBent

I had a lot of pages to catch up with here. It was a good read and it sure is good to know I am not alone with my fears and my thoughts. While I am working hard to move on from BC and not dwell in the past or the future, every day I think about BC. Only you all can understand the fear that will never fully leave us. Thanks for reassuring me that I am not an over reactive self absorbed wacko.

SheliaMarie

I am so tired of not feeling good. I haven’t had any meds in nine days, due to progression and awaiting chemo start. But I’ve felt increasingly bad all week! My underarm hurts worse than ever... unrelenting. And up the side of my neck hurts too. Of course this is all in the cancer side so I’m thinking the shit is growing rapidly in one single week. I just want to feel normal again

VL22

I did a really good job of “hiding" from people during treatment when I was out and about - i just didn't feel like having to have the “cancer conversation “ every time I went to buy milk! Now, like kmajor, my hair is full enough where I feel good going out without a hat. My hair was very long prior to chemo. I think I look pretty good actually! Brows and lashes back, skin looks good etc. However, people who before would have recognized me look right through me! They have no idea who I am. It doesn't make me angry, but kind of sad, which I know sounds pathetic.

But then I went to a school function at the high school and a few people who normally would have caught my eye and exchanged a few words avoided me. I guess I was hiding for nothing. It just felt rather lonely

mistyeyes

Swess- Sorry you are feeling so bad. Just wanting to feel normal again is a powerful statement. A lot of people don't appreciate that feeling 'normal' is like paradise.

VL 22- I was just telling my mom the other day that I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I feel like I look fine and some of my grand daughters like the short hair , but I don't look like me. I have had where they don't really recognize me and I had to go up and speak to them, they all said they just didn't recognize me with short hair and how different it made me look. Don't feel alone/lonely.....put on the red lipstick and get noticed!

jaycee49

Sorry. It takes me awhile to process things. The previous discussion of people saying insensitive things to us made me remember something an office person at my neurologist's office said to me many years ago. I made an appointment to see the doctor (this was for MS, not cancer) and I showed up at the appointed time. I NEVER forget or am late for a doctor's appointment. I checked in at the front desk and the person there said, "oh, you don't have an appointment today You are not on the schedule." I knew that they had been having problems with a new person who made appointments. I had talked to that person when I made this appointment. I knew this was a mistake. I complained and stated my case that I KNEW I had this appointment and how much trouble it was to get here and so forth. The person at the desk said, "I understand exactly how you feel." I'm screaming in my head NO YOU DON'T. I say out loud, very calmly, "no you don't. Only people with my medical issues understand." She didn't get it, of course, and I just had to reschedule and come back. What made me finally tell this story was a quote I just read in an article about the junior hockey team tragedy in Canada. The president of the hockey club said, "It's not about understanding anything." Exactly.

Janila03

Hi everyone,

I'm here for the rant! I haven't stopped crying for a week and a half since an ultrasound, Ct scan and Mri all but confirmed that I have mets to my liver and spine and God knows where else. I am scheduled for a liver biopsy tomorrow. I went from a stage I to IV without even completing my initial treatment of 4 chemos, I have 2 to go. How do I continue? I was doing so well, I recovered from the double mastectomy well, I've managed chemo with no major side effects thanks to all the pre meds I was prescribed. I could almost see the finish line. Thinking about my 3 young adult children who will not see me grow old, grand children I will never meet, a wonderful husband who will be broken breaks my spirit and soul to its very core. I have no uumph to continue fighting, I am an emotional wreck and I don't know how to get passed this. This is not how I planned my life, my family's life. Although I am being encouraged and loved by family and friends I have never felt so lonely in my life.

Micmel

Janila~ I really get it. I went from stage two to stage four in one week. Do not pass go... do not collect $200. I also was to have the heavy red devil in four infusions. I did end up having, them because the spread was limited. Small tumor in liver. Immediately taken out. Along with left breast and all nodes with it. Stage four is rotten for sure. I am not going to sound sing songy and say they have all these treatments (which they do) or dis mis your rage and anger because you have to let it out. I had surgeries and did the heavy chemo and I have a few bone mets that are very small and surface like. Yours most likely are also. I am in remission and have been for the past year. It's sad and I cry. It's sad again and I yell. It's sad again and I rage and beat my pillow. But when I look up-at myself,insanely messed up hair sweated to my forehead, I see my reason for fighting. He has blue eyes, a. Deep magical voice, he is my best friend and my only love. My sweet DH, I love him, he's mine and I'm determined to keep loving him. Sending strength and understanding ~M~

Lita57

Janila, welcome to our group, but wish you didn't have to be here. I was dx'd st 4 right from the get go so I totally understand your anger and shock. I too will never meet my adult dd's kids, my g'children, and since I also have 20+ BRAIN mets, my time on this Earth is even more limited.

Rage and cry as much as you need to. We are here for you. Once they get a tx plan in place, things WILL get a little better.

BTW, i absolutely hate it when people say, "Oh, you'll find a new normal with time."

Bullshit! There's nothing normal at all about having st 4 bc! We all have to navigate thru this shit storm the best we can.

On a positive note, this week I celebrate my 2 yr "cancerversary," and I certainly didn't expect to still be here with 20+ brain mets. It hasn’t been fun, but I can still walk with a cane and talk in semi coherent sentences, and see, even with the dizziness and headaches, so I have hope.

Lita

Janila03

Micmel and Lita thank you for your words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed to hear to slowly get me out of the rut I'm in. You're both warriors in my eyes . I know I have to snap out of it in order to continue the fight but it's so darn hard. God bless you both and especially DH. Much love.

Janila

NotBrokenJustBent

Janila, I am not stage 4 but that is my worst fear. Take this time to grieve and feel the pain and then step up and fight. It may sound trite just now but they are making amazing progress with treatments and there is no reason to think you won't get to NED. Best of luck with the biopsy and please report back. You can do this, you have to do this.

Dianarose

I have had lumps under my arm pit for many, many months. MO didn’t think nothing about them. Well now they are red, longated and getting bigger. Well today she thinks it could be the cancer. This so sucks. Have to go for an ultrasound and if it looks like cancer they will cut it our the same day. Just what I want, not!!! When I took my coat off when we got to the cancer center I realized my bag in the left had come undone and I was soaked with pee! Just want to say 4 letter words today!!!

Meow13

Things are bad. The only way forward seems to be give up on my younger son. He doesn't want me in his life. It feels horrible kind of went through a similar thing with my father. They just don't want to be around me.

My father is dead now but I wish there was something I could do to make my son happy. I am paying his college tuition and room and board. I know he is in crisis but he wants me gone.

I think jealousy was the problem with my father, I did really well with my career. I am retired now, so nothing for my son to be jealous of that I can think of. He has also turned sour on my mother. He still speaks briefly to my husband.

I think he feels shame but not for being mean to me. I feel like I'm dying inside.

Artista964

sorry to hear meow. Sometimes you have to let go and let god. My mom and members of her fam were making my severe anxiety and depression worse with thoughts and expectations of the fam they have. For my own mental health, i cut them all off except text form since jan 2014. This was 1.5 years before cancer. Bro is only one in the know of the cancer. I know mom was devastated when i cut her off except text. Dad understood because he gets my issues.

Then back in sept i had rev of my recon bmx. Found out on fb my fav uncle, moms bro, died at 55 from massive heart attack. Then my beloved guinea pig who was with me through cancer died a few days later from neglect at a place that boards animals and had good reviews. I was beyond devastated. I went through all txs for her otherwise i don't care how long i live.

I called bro who was up here with mom planning uncle's funeral with the fam. 4 days later there was a knock on the door. Saw it was my bro. Hes the only one who can see me since he's different from the fam. Open the door to see a cage in hand and a baby guinea pig in it. Bro comes in and tells me my other uncle set out to find a gp that was brown and white like my beloved mooshy was. Noone had one. Last minute before closing a place contacts him to say we got one. A 3 week old just weened from mom. One more thing bro says.. moms in the car. You don't have to see her but she wanted to come. She doesnt know about cancer stuff so bro and i put all the evidence in my bedroom and closed the door. I told bro one condition, no dr phil or dr oz type talk. Bro knew what to tell her. She comes up and we hug. We both were standoffish but she was happy to see me. Discussion was only about mooshy and uncles passing. They stayed couple hours.

She lives in seattle, bro in los angeles so they come here to visit fam about twice a year. Ill see her then as its bearable and 1 of my aunts who is kind.

And my parents paid for my university, dorm, car, etc. I went from moms house to marriage at 26 that lasted 2 years. So its not that i didn't appreciate what mom and dad have done for me, its not about that. I click ok with dad but not mom. So she's gotten used to how its ok to meet when shes in town but text only in between.

Will this change as time goes on? Im 53, shes 73. Dont know. We all have to do what is necessary for ourselves to mentally survive life that is not easy. This doesnt mean i dont care for my fam. But this limitation has become necessary for my mental survival. Ultimately when it gets down to it, we only have ourselves 24/7 365. Anyone else is gold but no matter how awesome they may be, it can always change. You however have control over your own happiness and need to work through the best you can to not be so down. Expecting nothing from others is liberating. You actually appreciate them more if you view life as on your own, which ultimately we all are. People come, go, die but you are still here. Take care of you first.

Meow13

I guess so, no choice. How sad I feel.