New, scared, and sleepy

farmerlucy

Hi WT. What a difficult situation! I'll bet you are ready for some peace. Too bad about the summit meeting. Maybe rest this weekend and then come up with a plan for moving forward. I'm sure you are dreading the summit meeting. The first time I walked into the building that had "cancer center" on the door I started sobbing, and I cried through most of the appointment. Is there someone who can go with you? You have come so far in this journey already, see if you can dig a litte deeper to get to that meeting. We'll be cyber holding your hand. Thanks for checking in. Hugs to you and Clawdia. 

Mary_g92844

WT, I am sure all of us can understand the panic, terror, fear you must be having over the cancer situation.  I am 2 years out and still have panic attacks.  But I have to agree with Wrenn.  I too hope you can stop getting in your own way soon.  And I feel sad that you seem to see them as though they are trying to hurt you. 

They are offering to give you information.  It is up to you to receive or not. 

WhiteTiger

I just had my "summit meeting" with Oncologist and I am cancer-free. He's giving me hormone pills and calcium+Vit.D.

Right now, I'm a wee bit stunned and can't think of anything else to say but I thought I should tell you.

farmerlucy

White Tiger!!!! That is wonderful news!!!!!!!!!!! Just wonderful! You go girl! I'm doing the happy dance for you! Next you start putting your life back together. Good for you! Thanks for letting us know.

WhiteTiger

Sorry to be so scarce. My mind is a cross between stunned and scrambled.

See, the cancer no sooner got taken care of than I had the seizure, so neither one has an appropriate place in my mind. I don't think, "Here's my cancer stuff and I'm clear- rejoice!" and then think, "Here's my seizure crap and it's not Dx'd and my tailbone hurts awful all the time and I hate everything." I can't separate these two things and the result is that I must seem like the most ungrateful patient in the world.

I have a sort of metaphysical belief about "The soul speaks through the body" and through missed appointments and broken appliances as well. I believe that if everything is going wrong, the soul (or the Universe) is trying to tell me I'm on the wrong road.

I'm at a loss whether to write to you any more, what with the cancer being officially over. The only treatment is Hormones Sandoz Anastrozole 1mg/day.

And the anger! Through both cancer and seizure - I'm soooo angry! I don't know what to make of that, or what to do. My sweet cousins chipped in on 2 books by Dr. Brian L Weiss about reincarnation. I thanked them nicely but the truth is that in my heart I'm so enraged - imagine the Universe putting me through this not once, not twice, but world without end! Do you have any thoughts on that kind of thing?

farmerlucy

Hi WT - Sorry about the seizures. I hope all your health problems settle down soon. Keep on writing. We're here for you. Once a Sista always a Sista. Besides all I take is a little pill for my treatment too. I had quite a spiritual journey in the months and weeks post dx, I started off cursing God (literally) for the cancer, not causing it, but allowing it but during that dark journey so many people appeared in my path it was uncanny. Oh the coincidences - or not! You know I read a book by Brian Weiss years ago - "Many Minds, Many Masters" - It was interesting, and I still remember it some twenty years later.

I think the anger is probably good. You have to deal with this stuff one way or another, and I firmly believe you deal with it now or you deal with it later. So get it out!

At this point my goal is to live well, love well, give myself a break (I have always been very tough on myself) and do what I can. I've kind of adopted John Wesley's motto. I certainly have a peace now that I never had before - but maybe it is the Effexor!

Hey WT - Maybe you need a few more animals!! Just kiddiing! You take care now, and let us know how things are going!

wrenn

In the beginning I felt sorry for myself too. I had so many complications from surgery and then was cut off chemo. I worried about that because my cancer is aggressive. But then I started reading the stories of other women here and I could see that there were so many who were worse off. That made me realize the universe hadn't singled me out to torture.

I think it would help you to stick around and see that you are not alone. Ask Farmerlucy how she is doing. She has really reached out to help you and put her own concerns aside. Read about experiences of the gazillion other women in your shoes. I think it really helps. If you leave the forum you will continue to believe that this only happened to you and then you will stress. Bodies really don't heal well under stress. Stepping outside yourself is the best way to forget about what happened to you.

It takes a while because a breast cancer diagnosis alone is enough to put most over the edge let alone all that goes on with surgery and treatment. There are some horror stories. I went to a breast cancer support group last night and was amazed at the bravery of the women there. I was in tears at one point because of what one woman had gone through and was still enduring. I came out of there feeling so lucky.

Hope you will stick around WT. Take care.

WhiteTiger

wrenn, when you look at me, why do you see yourself?

wrenn

Not sure that I do WT but interesting observation. I do have PTSD and we both have breast cancer?...and we're Canadian.

bride

WT,

Did you black out or have a seizure? I blacked out in the middle of the infusion center because of a low sodium level. I spent 5 days in ICU and had a transfusion. Lots of things can cause a blackout wrt to BC. The most common is the result of us being told to drink lots and lots of water and NOT telling us that water washes out sodium and potassium. If you've not had further blackouts, I'd suggest going over your labs to see if anything is wonky.

Have you gone to http://cancer.ca ? I typed in Quebec and got a list of free transportation, sources of money, and a bunch of other stuff. You might find this useful.

I, too, wanted a BMX. However, when I was knocked out for that surgery, my blood pressure fell to 60/40. Woke up to still having both breasts. Given that scare my surgeon didn't want to risk doing a BMX. I was already in a bad state from my sodium misadventure and really didn't want to crash in the OR. So I had a UMX. So far my appearance hasn't been an issue.

Like you and Wren, I have PTSD. Mine is evidently well treated because I've had no additional problems during my BC saga. I use my GP (PCP) and my MO has my 2 main docs. Following the excellent advice I received here, I managed to retain some sense of control and have managed to keep my healthcare team on the same page. Cancer.ca also has volunteers who can act as your navigator to get everything coordinated. Perhaps this might also be of use to you.

best,

bride

Kicks

Very good point about if you rapidly change your normal water/fluid drinking habits can effect your Na/K/Mg/Z (Sodium/Potassium/Magnesium/Zinc) levels which are very important to be in the right levels in relation to the others.   I do drink a LOT of water - always have - so it's 'normal' for my body.  However, to greatly/rapidly increase intake can cause problems with 'flushing out' a lot of important 'things'.   1/2 way through Taxol, I did start having problems with keeping my K levels close to normal so had to take mega doses of K.  I still have problems keeping K up but everything else all stays well within normal range.

PTSD is VERY real.  It is not just 'combat' associated.  ANY traumatic experience can trigger it.  Unfortunately, there are not a lot of counselors/Drs who really understand it.   The sooner appropriate treatment/therapy - the better the results. 

WhiteTiger

bride –

I don't know if I blacked out or had a seizure. I blacked out and, while blacked out, flung myself backwards 270 degrees. Came to one sense at a time, hearing first and touch (movement) last. We tried the hospital but they found another problem and fixed that first. So I still don't know, but I have searched my memory and realize that it wasn't the first one.

I come from an indestructible family – or at least, that's what we believe. But now I'll have to face it and figure out what's been going on all these years.

What you say about potassium and sodium and water is fascinating. I didn't know. I have my labs but don't know how to read them. I did type them in here.

As for blood pressure and stress, my BP goes high, never low. But this level of stress is the worst I've ever had. I'm trying to reduce it but so help me, the Universe opposes. My DVD player (yoga) won't play. My CD player (verbal relaxation) won't turn on. I can't do much physically because of my smashed tailbone.

I looked at cancer.ca but, given the paratransit application, there wasn't anything else there for me.

Thanks for the idea of a navigator – I got a social worker who is doing that now.

WhiteTiger

Hi kicks,

Thanks for that. I'm not sure how to figure out all my levels but I am taking 8 glasses of water a day. I'll be getting blood tests during the next month or so (family doctor) and then again when I see a neurologist. It's going at the pace of a snail, but at least it's moving along.

Do you think I should ask the docs to test for these things? Sometimes they take suggestions as criticism.

WhiteTiger

Oh Kicks, I love what you said about PTSD. And if I ever find a medical professional who has the foggiest notion about it, I'll let you know.

The thing is, it's doubly tough because PTSD kicks in big-time at a hospital. It's such a prime setting for a trigger! I thought the docs at the hospital were a little weary of people claiming to have PTSD. They have their own specialties and it's not PTSD, so they're entitled to ignore it.

WhiteTiger

farmerlucy, I just realized that I didn't answer you!

The books by Weiss - I liked them very much, and the first one was the Many Masters one that you mentioned. The only problem is that he tipped the scales in favour of reincarnation for me. Now I think I believe it and need to take action on that account. Before, I thought reincarnation was a big maybe and I would respect people who believed it.

The thing is, that deletes suicide as a possible way out if things get too tough. I've been suicidal since I was a child. But now I can't even take a way out, because I'm only going to come back again! Which brings me back to the old question: "You call that a *benevolent* deity?" Millions and millions of years of human strife? Yikes.

farmerlucy

I don't remember the specifics about it much. I've always thought I would end things before things got too rough. I guess maybe I've buried stuff re: suffering and my mom's BC when I was four. Lately I've had second thoughts though. I don't want to leave any stigma for my kids. This stuff has made me question my spiritual beliefs. First I was SOOOOO angry, later I was grateful for the people put in my path to help me along. As my husband says "the truth will be revealed in the fullness of time". Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket.

You sound so much better WT. It is really good to hear from you. I hope Clawdia is well. Yesterday we had the farrier out to trim the donkey's feet. One of the three "feral" barn buddies (kitties) would not leave the poor farrier alone. He was all up in the farrier's business, under the donkey's feet, rubbing up against the guy's leg while he tried to trim hooves. It was quite funny.

Take care now!