New, scared, and sleepy

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WhiteTiger
WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116

Hi, I'm new and so sleepy from my meds - going back to bed but *must* leave you some sort of message! So Hi, You might find this funny - if all goes well we'll all laugh some day. I've never had a mammogram. I'm opposed, as they say. My sister in law had beautiful breast reduction from plastic surgeon. I went to do the same thing but refused a mammogram. So of course he gets into my left breast and finds "a mass" which he expects tests to confirm is malignant cancer. He (plastic surgeon) removed the mass and all the tissue around it, which his eye tells him is healthy (tests will confirm). He admitted me for 2 days testing.

Trying to say all this before I fall asleep again.

Thing is, what I really wanted was a double mastectomy as preventive measure because we have breast cancer in family. Do not care about how it looks.

I've hated my breasts since they first grew and have had a life-long suspicion that it's mutual and some day they'll cost me my life. Since Angelina Jolie made it permissible, I've been thinking of a "slash & burn" solution (I doubt that AJ calls it that) - I'm mid-tests, MRI on Monday - still trying to get DM but they want to save "good tissue."

Thank you for reading! At least I've started to say something, so glad to find you. Falling asleep now but will check here again, many thanks.

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Comments

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    I'm awake again. I'm freezing, probably shock. Do jumping jacks? Hardly . Zzzzz. 

    I'm isolated, no next of kin etc. Glad to hear anything. :)

    WhiteTiger was because it came to me in a dream. I am actually a roly-poly 63yo.

  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2014

    You said you were "admitted for 2 days tests" so that sounds like you are in a hospital now.  If you are and are "freezing" - tell the nurses.  If you are at home call your Dr.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Thank you! I'm at home since 6 hours, most of it asleep.

    I tried to get moving, it helped.

    Tomorrow morning I will meet with surgeon. You are right, of course, this needs attention. But I'm hoping not to spend the night lying in a hospital corridor. I'll be with surgeon 8 hours from now.

    So nice to hear from you, ty!

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited June 2014

    WhiteTiger, welcome to Breastcancer.org. Please post again to let everyone know how it goes at your meeting with the surgeon.

    Best wishes,

    • The Mods

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    Hi White Tiger - Sorry you find yourself here. Sorry about the way they found your BC also. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it is a good thing you opted for the surgery, and a good thing they found the tumor. I hope you are healing well from your surgery, and that the additional testing finds nothing else sinister. Looking forward to hearing your updates. Take care!

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Hi FarmerLucy

    Thanks for your message. Yes, I'm lucky in some ways. Saw surgeon today - he still thinks he caught it all but we're waiting for results. Monday I go for MRI, the last test. 

    I see you're doing reconstruction - so far so good?

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    I'm almost two years out now. Honestly they look great. I still am not thrilled about feeling my pecs but it is ok. I have 3d nipple tattoos from Vinnie.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Oh! I thought you were saying you had 3 nipples from Vinnie. I made a note to figure that out later - I thought it would come under "Brave New Woman" or "Freedom to Create My Own Body" etc.

    I wanted the freedom of no nipples - no wardrobe malfunctions etc. - but the doc wants me to be beautiful. I was *so* looking forward to being footloose and titless.  Pardon me, I must be still stoned.

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    WT - 3 nipples! LOL! You are beautiful any which way. Don't let anyone or anything tell you differently!

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Do your nurses shriek? Unless they are male, in which case, do they bellow? I was glad to get home from all that screeching in the hospital but today a nurse came to change my bandage. I told her not scream and she said she's not screaming, that's just her voice. Oh, well that explains everything.

  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2014

    What do you mean by nurses "shriek" or "bellow"?    And "screeching in the hospital"?  I've never experienced such.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    My nurses scream at the top of their lungs. It shatters my nerves. I've asked them to be quiet but they yell, "I'm not screaming, that's my voice." I know it's important to be nice to the nurses. I am at home now and a nurse comes to change my bandage. 

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Having a very bumpy ride. I have nobody to talk to and even if I did, I'd be trying not to tell them.

    Does this seem odd to you? 

    June 12, surgery discovering and removing malignant tumour (surrounded by good tissue). Checked into hospital for 2 days of tests (X-ray for lungs, nucleo-something for bones, and a third). Gone home.

    June 16, MRI at another hospital. Gone home.

    Every 2 days - nurse comes to change bandage.

    July 30, appointment with surgeon for diagnosis.

    Shouldn't they be able to diagnose faster than that?

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    Hi White Tiger - Anythings goes with this crap. Feelings run the whole gamut of emotions.  I understand about wanting not to tell people. I tried to put on the happy face, but in the long run I think that took its toll on me as well. July 30 does seem like quite a ways away to meet with the surgeon. This time of year we get caught up in working around doctors vacation times so that may play into it. Having a nurse come to change the bandages sounds like a good thing. I hope your healing is going well. Any chance you could get your information sooner from another doc or NP in the practice - or even over the phone?

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    farmerlucy,

    My apologies! I am to see the doc for Dx on July 10, not July 30. I'm still not coherent. The nurse came today and couldn't make any sense out of me either. Like, "Are you in pain?" - I have no idea and I wish she'd stop talking.

  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited June 2014

    Hooefully, whoever came today (if anyone did) will be able to get some intervention to help you out with ALL your issues.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Hi farmerlucy,

    Thanks for your suggestions that got me going to figure out what my Results Day is. It hadn't occurred to be to plow through all that paper they gave me.

    An old friend visited today and I felt so much better. She laughs a lot and gets me laughing too.

    My bandage fell off on one side so I stuck it back with some tape. That'll have to hold till the nurse comes back on Monday.

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    I've learned to ask for full copies of all my reports. I can't say it really helps. Often it just leads to more questions. Glad to hear you had a nice visit with your friend. When I was first dx my husband took me to the movies quite often. That really helps to get your mind off things. July 10 will be here before you know it.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    I have a really stupid question. I've been feeling lousy for at least a year, worse and worse in a general way. Could that have been cancer? For heaven's sake, I can remember being so weak for years. Sounds like a no-brainer, I guess. Can cancer just feel like general dreariness and weakness and lack of gumption?

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    I guess anything is possible. More than likely not. Are you anywhere near menopause? That would do it. What about depression? I know when I have the blues I have trouble doing anything. Another lady on these threads says "don't go there 'til you get there."  It is hard not to go to the dark places in our mind but it does no good. I did a lot of drawer and closet organizing when I was struggling, anything to get my mind off cancer. Ugg I HATE that word.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    I'm past menopause, age 63. I have lots of "isms" that account for symptoms. No way to get ahead of it I guess.

  • Mayanne
    Mayanne Member Posts: 108
    edited June 2014

    Hi White Tiger,

    I just wanted to say hello.  Glad you are home from the noisy hospital.  I hope you get some answers quickly.  Such a good thing the doctor discovered this.

    Farmer Lucy, I also did a lot of drawer and closet organizing!  It gave me a feeling of control, I guess.  

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    lol! What is it with us needing to feel in control?!

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    You know, now that you mention it, de-cluttering starts to appeal. Hmmmm...

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Hi Mayanne,

    I'm glad to meet you. Thanks for your kind remarks. I know I'm being silly but I can't quite chime in and agree that it's a good thing the doctor found it. Of course it is, any other thought would be insane. But some stubborn childish part of me wants to think that I could have lived to be 99yo and never noticed the cancer. Ignoring it worked so well for so long!   lol I'm being silly, of course it's good he found it.

  • WhiteTiger
    WhiteTiger Member Posts: 116
    edited June 2014

    Can anybody recommend a book to read, sort of autobiographical, about a woman - well, somebody sort of in my own situation. I need to figure out what to think! I read a lot but never about cancer, wouldn't touch it. Well, now I'd sort of like to get the lay of the land, if you know what I mean? I'm such a total cancer virgin. I keep thinking I should stick in a smiley somewhere because you can't see that I'm asking in a sort of kidding way - but I can't find a place to put a smiley! Is there such a thing as a snarky face?  ;~>

  • barb1319
    barb1319 Member Posts: 27
    edited June 2014

    hi,  WhiteTiger, you've come to a good place to vent or to get support.  A great book that I read, and then promptly reread!, is "Breast Left Unsaid" by Jude  Callirgos.  I think that's the right spelling of her name.  It is recent, no holds barred, and funny as well!  And I never reread books! It helped me get through treatment.  Good reading and good luck!

    Barb

  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited June 2014

    White Tiger, it is a crazy road. I learned so much from reading all the information on this site under the educational topics. When you know the pathology report, then you will be able to learn about what form of cancer that you have. And here on the boards for support and even laughter! 

  • Mayanne
    Mayanne Member Posts: 108
    edited June 2014

    Hi White Tiger (love your name, by the way),

    I wanted to say that it isn't silly at all to wish that the doctor had never found it.  I'm sure we've all wished that.  It's easier for me, who has gone through it and had treatment to see the blessing that it was found. For you, before the diagnosis and treatment plan, it's natural to wish you could go back to the day before your plastic surgery, when you didn't know it existed.

    It's the unknowns of someone at the stage you are at that creates the most stress.  Almost everyone here says that once a plan for treatment is in place, you'll feel better.  I found that, too.  I felt that I was taking one step at a time and working my way through it.  

    I don't know of any books you can read, but have you read the site her called "Success Stories"?  I posted my mother's story.  She found a lump when she was 60 - 36 years ago.   In those days, the doctors did the biopsy in the operating room with the plan that if a malignancy was found, the woman would have an immediate mastectomy.  So, waking up, she found that she had no breast and realized that she had cancer.  Pathology had also found cancer cells in 4 out of 10 lymph nodes. 

    I am fortunate to have her journal from the hospital.  I took it with me every day of my radiation treatment,  because her attitude was inspiring to me, even if I hadn't also known the rest of "her story".  Soon after her surgery, her doctor visited and she told him how frightened she was.  He told her that the experience could either be a tragedy or a wonderful life lesson (I've thought that was rather simplistic of him, but it helped my mother, so that's what counted).  She wrote that it HAD been a positive experience - that she had made wonderful friends in her room (4 to a room!), that some women had inspired her (the young mother who had been I diagnosed years before and just had the cancer return when her baby was 1 year - but she was living life).  Or the woman who told my mother that there was always hope - that she herself had TB when she was young, but a treatment had been found which helped her live a full life.

    To tell you the end of my mother's biography - she had radiation - and was followed by her RO for about 15 years.  She went on to live until age 93, never really worrying about cancer.  I think how worried she was in the first year and wish I could go back in a time machine and tell her she would live to be the oldest person in her family.  Having to worry is so unfair.

    So I was not blindsided by my diagnosis.  As well as my mother, my sister had BC when she was about 50 and then had a recurrence last year.  I guess I felt it was inevitable (genetic testing didn't find any links,  but maybe something will be discovered in the future).  

    I had an additional experience that taught me that cancer may not always be the worst thing that can happen.  I was four days from my lumpectomy (all set with house clean, no alchohol, no nail polish, food prepared, etc.), when I got very sick, had surgery for an incarcerated femoral hernia and bowel resection.  I was in the hospital (quiet wonderful nurses) for a week with a tube from my nose to stomach (pain in my nose was the WORST!).  I could have died that day/night.  I thought how ironic it was that I was so worried about one thing and another - totally unexpected thing came to attack me.  So when I had the lumpectomy it seemed minor to me and my family.  

    I guess we get philosophical when these things happen.  It was so wonderful to be disease free before diagnosis - to believe I might live to be 99 with no illness or disability.  My two winter surprises just taught me that we have to appreciate every day.  My surgeon told me that the incarcerated hernia could come back and I thought "Oh great, now I have two things that might come back."  But such is life!  

      

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    Mayanne - What a wonderful, wonderful post. Thanks for sharing it.

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