New, scared, and sleepy

Nancy2581

I was just going to say the same thing to Maryanne.  What a beautiful post.  Thanks for sharing it and it really makes me tell myself to stop being such a downer and try to think positive.  

Nancy

Mayanne

Thank you FarmerLucy!

Mayanne

And thank you, Nancy, too.

WhiteTiger

Hi everybody, I am truly sorry to have become so scarce. I'm in a perpetual state of terror, if that doesn't sound too melodramatic - it's just the truth. I accomplish nothing. So Sorry, really!

farmerlucy

Hi White Tiger. I really feel for you. I know that terror and it is paralysing. In her book "After Breast Cancer" Hester Hill Schnipper says,  "We know from psychological crisis theory that acute crisis cannot last more than a few weeks. No matter what the stresses, no matter what the situation, human beings are amazingly resilient and adaptable and in time begin to find a way to live with their new life circumstances."  It doesn't help that you have to wait so long to get your results. Hang in there. We're hanging with you. 

WhiteTiger

I have news of a sort. Nothing really. The appointment with my surgeon, who was a plastic surgeon, has been changed to an appointment with a breast surgeon that I don't know. The date and place of the meeting are the same; the time has been changed from morning to afternoon. And that's all I know. Also I'm having a panic attack. Doesn't take much these days.

My bandages were removed today, healing nicely. Except for this wedge-like thing under my right arm - well, it's healing nicely too, but what is it? One nurse said it looked like a third breast under my armpit. I said it was generous of him to give me a third but it wasn't what I had in mind. From the look of it, I've been thinking he's going back in. Maybe when he found the cancer on the left he didn't have time to finish the right? Actually he did say that was why they were different, but I thought he meant I was supposed to have 4 breasts, as it were. And I went in there wanting none.

It annoys me that I still have breasts. It annoys when the nipples react to temperature, or when I drink something cold and feel it in my breasts. If they would just be there and shut up I might not mind. But I mind.

farmerlucy

Hi White Tiger - Good to hear from you. I guess they moved you to the BS since he is the best one to deal with the breast issues now. Have you looked at the no-recon forum, specifically  references to BreastFree.org. Ariom posted some pics from some touch ups she had for dog ears. I don't know if that is what you have, but it couldn't hurt to check this out. Panic attacks are horrible, horrible, horrible. Did your doc give you any xanax or similar? Might really help for the short term. You can always wean off later. I'm sure the days are dragging. July 10 will be here soon. Crossing my fingers that your news is as good as possible. I know it is tough. We're still hanging with you. Let us know how things go. Gentle hug. 

WhiteTiger

I've been on an angry binge. See, I asked this guy for a double mastectomy but he did a reduction. He said he couldn't do a mastectomy but could do something similar. But even after he found cancer I still ended up with two pretty little breasts. Maybe that's good for him (plastic surgeon) but I didn't want them at all! I've been self-destructing since I found out about the new doctor, including falling out of bed this  morning. Now I 'm really afraid of the 10th.

farmerlucy

Take it one step at a time. This dx really hits us hard, especially when we've seen loved ones suffer from it. The breast surgeon appt is a good thing. My BS saved my life, not only because he is fantastic at his craft but because he knew which other docs and tests I needed on the team. Later my care was turned over to my oncologist who, too, is amazing, compassionate, knowledgeable. Right now I'm sure you are feeling quite adrift. The BS is going to help anchor the craft. Once that is done a course will be set and you will have an idea of what treatment lies ahead. It is a kick in the teeth though to go in for surgery for one thing and come out with a cancer dx. If it is your desire, you still can have the mx. The BS can do that for you. My only treatment after surgery is to take a little white pill every day. That may be the case for you as well. Try to figure out one thing today to ease your fear. We went to an excellent movie last night called Chef. See if you can find it in your area. That may give you two hours of calm.  

WhiteTiger

I asked the surgeon's assistant about the change of doctors and she said (in part): "It is very important that you are closely followed by an oncologist." She also said "Do not panic." 

So I guess the surgeon's "I think I got it all" goes out the window. And it was when I showed him the thing on the back of my neck that he decided to admit me for a "full work-up." So those tests must have found something.

I can't thank you enough for listening to all this. I don't feel right saying it to anybody else. I have one friend whose brother is dying soon and another who is a newly-wed. They have both stepped forward but I really think there's a limit to what I should ask them to carry.

What do you think of this? I want to adopt a cat. My dog passed on May 5/14. There are 2 breeds of cat that I am not allergic to and one of them is up for adoption. I've applied and been accepted, conditional on meeting them (SPCA) and the cat. She's 2 years old and they said they'll hold her for me, when I mentioned not wanting to travel on July 4 weekend. It's about 400 miles from here. My question is this: is it immoral for me to adopt a cat before July 10? I suppose the oncologist might give me a week to live. But of course I'm in denial and think I will live forever and how much better this would be with a cat to purr at me and do that jaw-rub thing and let me pat her etc.

As to going out, I'm isolated and have autism and PTSD and never go out. I get groceries etc on-line. You may want to look at this - www.well.ca - everything you find in a huge pharmacy, with possible free shipping. Prices ordinary.

farmerlucy

I think the cat adoption is a fabulous idea! She needs you and you need her.  The doctor absolutely positively is not going to tell you that you have a week to live. Put that out of your head. Of course I'm a little biased about animal adoption. We have four rescue dogs and a rescue cat at out main house and three rescue barn kitties and a rescue donkey at our farm. I figure if my cancer comes back there is still a good possibility I can outlive all the fur babies, except Clairabelle the donkey. Part of the reason I get pets from rescues is that they'll take them back if I can't care for them. Go for it! I am sooo excited for you!!

WhiteTiger

You're absolutely right about the cat adoption but I haven't been able to manage it yet. I have to hire a car and travel to get her.

Today I had to go to renew my health care card - I'm in Canada. I'm grateful for the coverage (this whole thing has not cost me one red cent except for taxis). But the timing is not optimal. It makes 2 trips - I had to go to the pharmacy to get my official picture taken and then go to the community health centre to have the whole thing validated. Anyway, that's done for another 5 years.

Three more days. My right breast is mustard colour. That's the side I sleep on. I really hope the oncologist will give me a dm. I try not think about how angry I am that I've still got them. But I have to admit this: the back ache is totally gone, which was why I went to the plastic surgeon in the first place.

Tomboy

i just had to tell you white tiger. i had a feral kitten when i was 25 or so, that i found at a warehouse job i had. i called him silly, short for asilomar, the name of a beach that had the same colors as him. coral nose, sandy pale fur, and eyes blue as the ocean, and soft white fur like a cloud on his belly. i did a painting of him with a white tiger, because of a dream i had with the kitty and a white tiger! i called it silly and the white tiger dream, and i dont know whatever happened to it.

WhiteTiger

Isn't that funny, we both dreamt of white tigers. I wonder if there's a meaning?

I love your feral cat, and what a beautiful name. Are you an artist?

Tomboy

when i am really good, and not just doing jobs and chores and breast cancer! he was a great cat! i was riding my bike to that job,eight miles each way, and he rode home inside my tucked in t shirt, all the way, and only peeked out at the very end! my roomates fell in love with him too, and i did paint one picture of him, but my sister lost it!

Iwannacookie

I don't know quite why, but I have found this thread comforting, and some parts amusing.  I love the way you express yourself WhiteTiger.  

Wishing the best for all of us.

Iwannacookie

Maybe "comforting" was the wrong word.  I think it's that I feel a little less "alone" after reading this.  

WhiteTiger

I feel less alone too! I've never had so many friends.

Tomboy

bco is the best, for feeling connected. if you have to have breast cancer, it's the only way to go! i have met some good friends here, and sometimes some of get together in real life!

WhiteTiger

Especially since these are friends that will not turn away! I've already lost a few. So much for disclosure.

WhiteTiger

Okay, one more full day. By which I mean the day after tomorrow. Heaven knows how I will remember what he says! Yes, I will ask for reports. 

It's funny but I'm feeling light-hearted. I ordered food - I do the supermarket on-line, and cherries are in season. Then I went over to eBay (saints preserve me!) and bought a denim dress - it's casual and will work whether I get a dm or not - wanna see? It has embroidery.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item...

I do have fancier stuff but this I can see myself wearing all over the place all summer.

And then! I went whole-hog and bought the most extravagantly self-indulgent thing I can imagine: Woods of Windsor England Est. 1770, Bergamot & Neroli, gift pack soap & lotion. I already have the shower gel and it's wonderful. I know I react to Neroli and I like Bergamot so I got that, on the urging of my Scottish cousin. It truly does lift my mood.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Woods-of-Windsor-Bergamo...

(scroll down)

What a relief from being sensible! Plus something to look forward to - does anybody remember the song "Mr. Postman"?

farmerlucy

Counting down the days with you WT. So glad you had a chance to do some retail therapy! 

WhiteTiger

Here's an interesting dream. I dreamt of pandemonium, everything and everybody changing where they were supposed to be, and me in charge, except I wasn't doing too well because I forgot that I had put a brown paper bag over my head.

Mayanne

Thinking of you, White Tiger!  

WhiteTiger

Well, folks, today's the day. I wonder if I should bring a notebook to jot it all down, in case I draw a complete blank in memory. They are used to these things; they probably have ways. I'm rambling because I'd rather type than think about it. Really, he could say "You're 100% fine" or "You'd better put your affairs in order." I am particularly spooked by that scan that looks inside the bones.

Did I tell you about the gorgeous nurse in the hospital? I think they should send him to bring me to this appointment. He can just be gorgeous all over the place and take my mind elsewhere. That was my first time being admitted to a hospital. I used to laugh at people who fell for their nurses. Not any more.

I took a little blue pill last night, so I slept well. I didn't know I had any blue pills left. I think they're the ones Dr. House was addicted to so I'm glad I don't have any more.

I'll quit bending your ears (for now) - thanks for listening!

farmerlucy

Hope everything goes well today WT. BTW yesterday I was looking for 3D nipple tattoo artists on pinkinkproject.com and I found a link to White Tiger Tattoo parlor! 

WhiteTiger

Okay I'm back. Gosh that was annoying - too long - and now they want to go to yet another hospital!

Anyway - here's my Dx (or is it a treatment plan?)

R DCIS

L luv Ductal Ca + DCIS

That's the best I can make out of the doctor's writing. He also said to have his secy print out the pathology but I forgot.

What he said was that he can do dm if I want (I do) but since the nipples - oh my heavens, we're not keeping nipples again, are we? he said something about incisions being here and there, and having injections to colour my lymph nodes. I asked if cancer went into my lymph nodes and he said he doesn't know, that's why he's going to have to take some out (maybe send to a lab?).

But I have to do an MRI - to think they had me in-hospital 48 hours and didn't do that. I know they put me into one of those huge round machines but apparently it wasn't an MRI. I was face-down, maybe they want the same thing right side up.

Also I'm too fat for them to look at my liver, which is just fine with me.

Right now I'm way crabby. Comfort food, here I come.

farmerlucy

OK WT - so far so good. DCIS is very good, and it looks like there may be some IDC. That pathology report will tell you a lot more. If you go ahead with the bmx they can inject the dye just before surgery and take out the sentinel node during surgery. Then it'll be some more waiting until they know the results. Perhaps the big round machine was for a CT scan? The MRI can be a little claustrophobic so I recommend taking the valium they offer and having a driver. You're moving forward. We're hanging with you. 

WhiteTiger

I replied to that but it disappeared and I don't know what I said.

I slept for a while and I woke with heartburn and annoyance. 

What the surgeon said was that there was no reason to remove my new mini-breasts - "They're clear," he said. I'm having second thoughts. Except that my breasts annoy me so much!

And now I recall how he went on about nipples. I think I'm going to have to contact him and tell him I neither want nor need nipples. This is what we should have done the last time!

WhiteTiger

I would be so grateful if anybody would please sound off on the wisdom of keeping breasts or breast tissue that has been pronounced "clear" after a great many tests? Because my own take on that is "Off with all of it!" I really would appreciate any comments at all. My next surgery is in a couple of weeks.