Any one else falling apart?

Reality

Dragonfly - I also live in NY and my head is cold! I used to have thick hair, so my head was always much warmer, even without a darn hat. I have never been much of a hat person - I usually wore wool headbands. I am looking forward to hopefully not wearing a hat in the spring. I wish the same for you!

Although I enjoy snowshoeing and my children and grandchildren ski, I am so glad it is raining in the Adirondacks today. My long drive to rads can be a treacherous one in snowy weather, so bring on the rain for now.  

dragonfly1

Anandagram  I'm on Long Island-let's hope we don't have a repeat of last winter with back to back blizzards! I'm not a hat person either but it's soooo cold now without much hair. I don't have enough hair to cover my ears yet!

I hope you finish Rads before the weather becomes a problem. I had chemo in the dead of winter and it was sketchy at times. I remember trying to dig my car out last winter to go to chemo. I do love the snow too but it sure makes things tough for those of us in treatment. I'll take this mild weather for now:)

jennyboog

I have sleepy hand syndrome too!  I go from hot to cold to hot, I have no idea how to dress anymore...a pull over fleece kills me with a hot flash but then I'm freezing to death and need it too.  I have to wear things that can be removed and fast like.  I have a heat seat in my car and I'm always turning it on and off...I swear I'm going to break the thing.

Denise2730

I layer my clothes. First a camisole, then a light weight button down blouse and if chilly a sweater over that. The bad thing about living in Florida is you can rarely walk outside to cool off when you're having a hot flash. It's in the 80's today. But with layering I can remove as much as needed down to the camisole which is more like a bra top than an undergarment.

D.

BlueCowgirl

I am here to complain!!!!

It's nearly 4am and I can't sleep because my lower legs are in so much pain...Tamoxifen? It feels like it has re-activated my taxol pain. I finally gave in and took an oxy because the nausea that gives me is better than the pain. I hate the pain only a little more than I hate the drugs that help with the pain. Why is this happening to me, to all of us? I felt so good right up until treatment started. Honestly, I don't know if it is worth it. I hate myself for taking my relatively healthy life BC (Before Cancer) for granted. 

Ok...Raise of hands whoever thinks I need to be back on an antidepressant, LOL. I just reread the above and I sound like a whiny little bitch. I am going to go downstairs and eat some chocolate. Then I'm going to take a bath to try to stop the pain in my knees, which is now radiating into my thighs. Happy Effing Holidays!  

bak94

BlueCowgirl-you don't sound like a whiny bitch! ANybody in pain would be complaining, it is ok. My hubby just told me I should be happy and grateful that chemo was so successful and just put up with my bmx that I had 2 weeks ago. Are you kidding me? I had my boobs removed from my body and I can't complain that my scars hurt and everything feels weird and I hate the drains? I'm afraid I like painpills too much:) but I can't stand the shooting pains and tearing feeling that I am getting. I am a bit squeamish about the stuff that comes out of the drains, yuck, not to mention putting an antibiotic on my scars, a double yuck. Wish I had some chocolate in the house....

bak94

I so relate to each of you, even though I am not doing tomoxifen, still deciding on that one as I was only 3% er pos. I still have rads, hysterectomy and reconstruction left to do, plus possibly more chemo if my doc decides I need it, thinking I won't need it.

I have a question for all of you that are further along or done with treatment. I worked very part time during chemo, off for 6 weeks with bmx right now. In Jan. I start up school again, I am 45 so I already was a bit forgetful, and back to work very part time again. I don't have kids. I am worried that school, which I am only taking 2 classes and work, oh yeah, 7 weeks of rads, is just going to be too much for me after all my time off during treatment and surgery. How did any of you fare going back to work after treatment? I think I have turned into a lazy lump and fear I won't be able to get back into "life". My hubby does think I should quit my job, and so do I, but my clients are my friends and I will miss them. 2 classes and working 16 hours a week should be no big deal, but I have changed! Not sure if I can handle it physically or emotionally, sad isn't it. I kinda feel like an outsider with everything now, just not part of anything anymore. Everyone around me is moving forward or at least moving and I am standing here with my feet stuck in cement.

kmccraw423

Cowgirl ... I feel your pain.  I am so unsteady on my feet and have to get up at least once in the night to go pee that I cannot risk taking a narcotic,  Add a narcotic to my already unsteady gait and I will wake up lying flat on the bathroom floor.  So when my legs are keeping me awake I just curse the fates!

Bak94 ... I am sending you gentle hugs.  Tell you DH to take a chill pill.  You have every right to complain and would not be normal if you didn't.  And you still have your drains in!  I wonder if a man had testicular cancer and was undergoing chemo if his first thought was to be grateful the chemo was working!

PinkHeart

I feel so bad for the pain you are feeling, and you described it to a T and exact side effects I had (that doctors don't tell you about).  I had only been on tamoxifen for 10 days (of hell) before my rad onc said she was discontinuing it during my course of radiation because she doesn't like her patients on it for treatment (this is common with a lot of docs). 

Anyway, she said it was definitely the tamox causing the nausea/vomiting and the intense pain in hips and knees and told me I would have to take NSAIDs.  Problem is I have a rare heart issue that has caused me to have numerous heart attacks and my cardiologists have all said to stay away from NSAIDs.  I was already getting down from all the pain and complications from my surgery, and I swear when I was on tamox, I went from crying buckets to crying rivers.  Also, as an FYI, antidepressants inhibit tamoxifen (stop it from working), so they are not an option and I had severe problems with taking anti-d in past anyway.  To read about Tamox and the meds that inhibit it, here on breastcancer.org, link to:  http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/serms/tamoxifen.jsp 

I've been done with radiation for 8 weeks and can't bring myself to start taking tamoxifen again yet.  I'm still in too much pain from everything else.  Maybe next month . . . 

kmccraw423

PinkHeart ... lots and lots of genle hugs.

PinkHeart

Thanks kmc.  Your puppy picture is a heart-warmer. 

jennyboog

@Cowgirl...you crack me up   I love it!  Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry you're in so much pain but you are funny girl!  You're not whining by the way, it does suck...thank goodness for meds!

@bak94...it's funny you should talk about the work thing, I posted earlier about am I ready or not.  I was offered my old job back yesterday (been out of work over a year)  I'm glad I had the time off during tx. I needed it but it turned me into a lazy slop (as far as work is concerned not with other things).  I feel like I'm walking back into the lion's den, if that makes sense.  Its scary, I've been in my little BC cave for a while now.  As scared as I am I need to stop using it as an excuse, I feel like an outsider also but it's because I make myself be.  The world didn't stop turning just because I got BC it kept turning and will keep on turning whether I'm here or not.  So it's my choice to either help it turn or not and whether I let BC keep dictating my life.  Sorry I got on my soapbox...it wasn't directed at you, I was thinking out loud & pep talking myself

BTW-The drains did suck and were yucky, the day those came out I did a happy dance!

BlueCowgirl

Bak94 - I was just thinking last night that if this were primarily a men's disease, things would be a lot different. When I was talking to a male friend about uni vs bilateral MX, he said,"If I had testicular cancer, it would be like the same thing and I would get both testes removed...it wouldn't bother me." Yeah buddy, ok. For one thing, your testicles aren't in the middle of your effing chest where everyone can see them. When was the last time you went to a bar and heard a woman say, wow, check out the scrotum on that guy! There are not popular, iconic magazines dedicated to showing the world the beauty of the male testicle. Well, maybe there are, but I sure don't want to look at them!...Your testicles are not the same as my breasts, you don't even have cancer, you are a moron, STFU!

As far as returning to work, I think that no one knows but you. There is no way I could do my previous job at this point - it would be physically dangerous both to myself and others. I did start something new that I'm hoping will work out. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like an outsider...In the immortal words of David Lee Roth, "Life goes on...Without me". Yup, it sure does.

Oh and the drains? I did great with my MX and was actually totally fascinated by the stuff coming out of the drains. But after I don't remember how long, my body started rejecting the drains and it was horrid. As soon as I got them out, I felt like a new person! Get 'em outta there as soon as it's safe!

BlueCowgirl

Kathleen - I understand how you feel...Funny, I was just thinking I was doing pretty well with the balace thing, got out of bed and immediately lost my balance and took a nosedive. Oh well. And this is on no narcotivcs. Thanks for the warning - falling at night hadn't really even occurred to me. Stay safe!

BlueCowgirl

Pinkheart - I am so sorry you have so much on your plate. It just plain sucks, and sending hugs your way. Thank you for the info - I am aware of the interaction between antidepressents and Tamox...my doctor tried switching me to effexor, which is considered only minimally counterindicated with the Tamox, and I had a bad reaction to it. I have spoken with 3 MOs who all agree the benefit of celexa for me will outweigh the risk, but I am currently not taking any antidepressants (probably pretty obvious from my posts lately) to see if I can handle it. The jury's still out on that.

BlueCowgirl

Jenny - Once again, thanks for starting this thread. It's totally awesome

kmccraw423

Cowgirl ... I spend most of my waking hours trying not to fall.  I have fallen so many times in the past that I just can't afford hitting my head any more!  I honestly think without my breasts that I am off balanced as it seems the falls started AFTER the bilateral mastectomy!

Jenny - I agree - thanks for starting this thread!PinkHeart - thanks - its actually my sister's dog - a Coton - cute as a button - dumb as a post.

Kay_G

Kmmccrawl, your comment about the dog made me chuckle. We have a bicon who we say is dumber than a door knob. The dog was barking like crazy one night and we finally realized that he thought the ceramic Easter bunny was real and was barking at it. Unfortunately, he's not exactly the cutest of dogs either. His body is all disproportionate, but we love him.

Reality

I was starting to really stress myself out over Christmas, as I jjust cannot bear to attend large social gatherings at this time -  so I decided to do something about it. My grandchildren love my plan - They spent the day with me today. After lunch, I told them I was going to give them one Christmas gift. They were so excited and they were busy all afternoon playing with their gifts. They will be at my house for dinner next Thurs and Fri. I will give them each one gift, each evening. I have also given everyone else on my list their gifts, so I will be able to stay home on Christmas and relax. I am really looking forward to it. 

Reality

....forgot to mention that I decided to decrease traffic to my home during the holidays by sending everyone donation cards for the American Cancer Society Hope Lodge that I often stay at. I asked everyone to donate to the Lodge instead of giving me a present. 

Reality

I even have my Christmas tree down, and all the decorations put away, thanks to a very windy night! lol. I live in a small cabin - my artificial tree was crowding me, so I put it on my screened-in porch. The wind blew it over and decorations were all over the porch. I started to redecorate the tree, but decided to pack it all up instead! 

Reality

Although I feel that in some ways I am falling apart, I also feel that I am seeing some things more clearly and asserting myself more. For example, some of you may recall previous posts I made on another thread about my ex-not-so-significant other of 14 years. We had definitely grown apart over the past few years as my interests changed. We met, and started dating on the rebound - way too soon, right after our marriages fell apart. Once I got on my feet again, I started building a new life - (Masters degree, teaching career, etc...). My sig-other did not find new interests and made me the center of his life. I felt suffocated, but out of kindness, I kept "dating" him.

Four months after being diagnosed with BC, I found the strength to end the relationship. I realize that the diagnosis affected him, but anytime I needed support, he would remind me that it was rough for him and that he needed my support. I understand the concept, but he wanted to be the center of attention - the victim of my BC! He continued to smoke cigarettes around me, even though I begged him to stop. He always changed the subject, whenever I would mention a doctors appointment. The final straw seems trivial, but really hurt my feelings - He got a computer and internet service- He advised me that it was great to be able to access all kinds of porn, since I was "out of commission". I cannot believe I let that one slide, but I did not have the energy to address it. The one I could not let slide was when I told him that I would show him the Amer. Cancer Soc. Hope Lodge site. I wanted him to see the lovely accommodations and share the place with him that I was staying at, a lot. He actually had the nerve to say, "Why would I want to see where a bunch of cancer patients hang-out?" 

Shortly after that insenstive statement, it was all clear to me - time to move on, and I have!  

Denise2730

Good for you!

Kay_G

I second that, good for you!

kmccraw423

What an insensitive dope!  I would say run, don't walk, to the nearest exit.

kmccraw423

Kay ... thanks but they really are IQ deficient - quite lovable but definitely "lights on but nobody is home."  If you can, post a pic of your dog- I bet he's adorable!

bak94

Jenny-so did you already start back at your job? If so how did it go? I know I have gotten very lazy being off work and out of school. I think my problem is starting back just as I start radiation and trying to figure out what to wear with no boobs with a burnt chest and I am still bald! I just feel so self conscious and I work in a salon where it is all about looking good! Everyone understands and it is my own insecurities, not them by any means. Right now I wish I worked in a private office or cubicle so I could just sneak in and do my work! Oh well, I can dream! But you are right, just have to jump back in, it will all work out.

Reality

....one last comment about my ex-sig-other of 14 years! -  (sorry to go on and on, but it helps to get it out - thanks)  He did offer me a ride to and from my port surgery and lumpectomy, which I did not accept as I just wanted to stay at the Hope Lodge for a couple of days instead of traveling the same day of surgery. Other than that, he did not get me one card, flower, nothing!  I am not a material person - I live in a small, mountain cabin with my daughter, her dog and four stray cats I adopted. I drive a 2003 Jeep - so, it is not that I wanted anything material - I just wanted some gesture from him that showed he cared enough to go out of his way a little. Oh well - It is done now, and I am free! 

Kay_G

You are free and you are better off!  I think all women understand what you mean about the caring gesture, no one would think you're materialistic because of it.

I will have to post a pic of the dog.  i actually took one before and after his last grooming (which you'll see is not nearly often enough) and was going to race him on the hair growing.  It was back in September, and I finished chemo in July.  The f#%T#ing dog is winning that race by a mile.  Dumb as a door knob, but he can grow hair fast! 

Denise2730