Any one else falling apart?

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    Well, I really picked the wrong week to stop taking antidepressants! Not by choice, by chance. I stopped talking celexa which at least made me occasionally feel like I got a glimpse of my pre-cancer self, but switched to effexor to start Tamox. Bad reaction to effexor got me a weekend in the hospital (heart)  and now having neuro issues. At least brain mets have been ruled out but who knows why I am neurologic? Not my doctor!

    I need to get back on Celexa asap I think. I thought I was strong enough to deal w all this shit without antidepressant - that lasted about 24 hours. 

    I am so sorry you all are going through the same kind of stuff, and more. It makes me even sadder. 

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    Oh no BlueCowgirl - I am sending lots of hugs your way. My heart is aching for you. So glad it was not brain mets, though.

    Sher 

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    Hello again, BlueCowgirl - Just went to another thread and came running back to this one. It is the first time I have felt uncomfortable on a thread - (the other one I was on - not this one). I know it is not considered healthy to be negative all the time - but darn it all, I felt that this site was the one place where I did not have to put on my fake happy face. Sometimes I do post positive things, but it really put me off on the other thread when someone, who has not done chemo or rads, stated that we should state positive things along with the negative. Why should we, dammit - I do not like being told what I need to do on a site I love and need. Sorry for the rant - I felt safe going off on this thread. I am not going to start a debate on the other thread - I will just ignore the person who pissed me off.

    Sher 

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    ,,,also, the person on the other thread, who has every right to post her feelings, stated that we need to be positive because of the holidays - there we go again, putting on the fake happy face so we do not upset those around us. I am sick of being fake. You are right, BlueCowgirl - This is all a bunch of shit.

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    ....Sorry to sound so insensitive - I did not mean to diminish the other person's experience with BC because she did not need chemo or rads. I am so happy for her that she did not. I am going to sign-off for now and go to sleep. Maybe I will wake up with more tolerance!

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  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited December 2011
    I just found this thread and although not Stage III I feel I really am right at home.  My BC is now looking like a walk in the park compared to all the other ailments that have come up.  I have been a diabetic (type II) for a long time and didn't always do what was right - so sue me!  I have complained to various doctors that I can hardly walk because of pain - I get a "ummmm."  I shattered my left shoulder in summer 2009 and it hurts like the dickens still.  I get tired of listing my litinay of aches and pains.  When I had a stroke at the end of October of this year and they asked about left sided weakness I always have to qualify it with I don't know if its the stroke or the fact that I have a shoulder replacement and need a hip replacement - all on the left side!  I have now had dopplar tests on my legs and guess what - there are blockages!  There are nights when I have had so much pain I can't sleep either.  I'm anemic, low on protein and calcium.  The truth of the matter is I'm a mess and based on all fhe things wrong with me I should be dead!  I am seeing a cardiologist (I had a v-feb arrest in 2004), my first stroke in 2003, breast cancer in 2008-09, fell and shattered my shoulder in summer 2009, now am anemic and my primary wants a colonscopy in case the reason for the anemia is bleeding (colon cancer?), the gastroenterologist wants me to get cleared by a neurologist (the cardiologist already cleared me for the sedation), a podiatrist for a diabetic foot ulcer and none of my joints work right.
    Sorry this is so long but so is my medical history!  I am so sorry all oif yoiu have similar problems.
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  • dragonfly1
    dragonfly1 Member Posts: 766
    edited December 2011

    Anandagram I had to respond to this one-I'm with you for sure! I've been saying since I was first diagnosed that I hate the "be strong, stay positive" comments-arrghh! For the most part I just bite my tongue because I realize it's well meaning but every now and then I go off on a rant and say to someone, please don't put more expectations on me by asking me to be strong/positive/whatever, please just let me feel and be whatever I am.

    Here I am just over a year later and most people in my life assume that it's all behind me now and I'm back to normal when in fact I'm still getting Herceptin infusions, still adjusting to Tamoxifen SEs, going to PT for my frozen shoulder and hip tendonitis and facing my first mammogram since diagnosis in January. I find it particularly hard to "be positive and happy" during the holidays because I was diagnosed right before Christmas last year and I find that the holidays are reminding me of last year and making me feel very sad. I am so grateful to have a place to share because it seems that no one in my life wants to hear it anymore or understands how I could feel this way. Apparently, I'm supposed to be fine now and "stop dwelling on it". Hmmmm, easier said than done.

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    Kathleen, you are my sister in left-sidedness! I won't list it all because we need to be positive for the holidays...KIDDING!!!!!! I won't really list it all because I'm too tired. But, when I was failing all the neuro tests yesterday I was falling to the right!!! Finally! Perhaps these new side effects causing me to fall to the right while standing or walking are a gift to balance me, since everything else has been on the left side. A special Holiday gift, especially for me. 

    Seriously though, so sorry you are going through all this, and I too have experienced "is this left side symptom because of my BC, my heart issues, my neck issues, or a new problem to deal with?" It SUCKS.

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    Anandagram and Dragonfly, I can so relate. Holidays = let's spend time with family! Yay, my dying dad, my overwhelmed mother (her mom, husband, and daughter all have cancer simultaneously), my brother who probably won't bother to show up. And all the commercials with happy families and kids to remind me that I will never be able to have one of my own. Awesome. Please for the love of all that is holy do NOT tell me to stay positive or I might kick you. 

    As much as I hated my chemo hair, now that I look "normal" on the outside, people assume I'm just fine. I only wish. 

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  • Kay_G
    Kay_G Member Posts: 3,345
    edited December 2011

    Anandagram, I am with you and dragonfly too. I hate when someone tells me I have to be positive. I am positive most of the time, but I also believe it's every bit as important to get what's bothering you off your chest. I have found this is the only place I can do that without being chided for it. Sorry for your experience on the other thread. Rant away without guilt when you need to, it's good for the soul IMO.

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    Thanks, Kay - 

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  • Reality
    Reality Member Posts: 782
    edited December 2011

    ....thanks to all - I am feeling back "at home" on this site again. 

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  • ptdreamers
    ptdreamers Member Posts: 1,080
    edited December 2011

    Anandagram, Bluecowgirl, dragonfly1, I just found this site but feel right at home. In the best shape ever just before BC diagnosis, now each day seems to hold its own challenges. Since my oldest son died a few years ago just before the holidays I no longer really look forward to this very commercial time of year.  Being up and positive all the time sucks, I can accept no one wants to hear  and I try to not say anything rather than be falsely optimistic. Thanks to all of you who feel it okay to rant, it gives us a place where we can be our achy, bitchy selves.

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  • nora_az
    nora_az Member Posts: 720
    edited December 2011

    anandagram....

    You never have to apologize on this thread for telling us how you feel.  I know it's not "my" thread but I feel comfortable in saying that because I have always felt at ease saying how I really feel in here. It's good to get it out. We are all here for our reasons.

    Hugs

    XXX

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  • Druanne
    Druanne Member Posts: 295
    edited December 2011

    I am SO HAPPY for this thread and all of you.......I've only recently been diagnosed and haven't even had surgery yet and am already worried about talking about cancer too much to everyone and keeping a happy face on.........Saturday night I was sitting here in my office all alone BALLING.......trying to remain quiet so my husband wouldn't hear me.......Cry......my son is 22 and has schizophrenia........he is SO SWEET and has always been kind of a mama's boy........<3 he was SO upset when he found out that I am not even telling him my lumpectomy is thursday so he doesn't worry himself crazy!!! My daughter is 21 and says to me.......aww you're gonna be fine Mom.....(is kind of how I raised them to be so that part may be my fault ;) LOL!).....My husband doesn't seem to want to hear about my fears and concerns......and I really don't wanna be a "poor me" but I am SCARED!!! and OMYGOODNESS I am reading about everyone's aches and pains here and my heart breaks for you!!!! AND I am getting even MORE afraid.....for I am 41 and feeling NO PAIN (well a little stress in the neck....) I exercise and rollerblade and have horses and love to dance and hula hoop!!! This Thanksgiving my daughter and I had a "Turkey Dancethon" for almost 4 hours in the basement.....including us jumping off the couch and taking pics of eachother in mid air!! (see pics below Laughing) I don't want to NOT be able to do those things!!! Cry Cry I have heard some of you say similar things like "I was pain free prior to BC"......or stuff like "I'm 40 but I feel 60" ......how terrible is that??? I feel for you all and am just wondering how I am going to feel when my treatment is over........I am really starting to think that if I get clear margins and negative lymph nodes I may just do radiation and call it good........no tamoxifen........no nothin!!!!...Yell....!!!!! I am so very sad....Cry....and so very ANGRY at the same time.....Yell...hugs & hope & love for all of you <3<3<3<3

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    Druanne, not that anyone of ANY age should have to deal with this crap, but I hear you about the 41-going-on-80 fear. The best I can say as you begin treatment is that while BC sucks for everyone, not everyone gets every side effect and not everyone has to stop riding their horses or jumping off their couches or what have you...You just won't know how the drugs will effect you til you try them, unfortunately.

    When you're not venting here, come on over to the Horse Women Unite thread! Lately it's been discussion about joint injections, we could use a new friend and some new horsey pictures there!

    ps You look so beautiful and happy and so does your daughter. I can't tell which one of you is 21 and which is 41. 

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  • Druanne
    Druanne Member Posts: 295
    edited December 2011

    <3 Thank you BlueCowgirl <3 your reply made me cry & laugh at the same time <3

    I will check out "Horse Women Unite" tomorrow!!!!! Right now it's time for me to hit the "hay"......OMG......that was bad....Wink......<3 Pleasant & peaceful dreams for all of you <3

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  • SharonMH
    SharonMH Member Posts: 353
    edited December 2011

    Hi  Druanne. SharonH here.  Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong. I am two years out and I am doing pretty good. I am not that 40 year old . I am the 60 year old. I wish you the best. Sure I do have aches and pains but being 60 is not all that bad. I do not feel that old . Maybe I have already fallen apart and I do not even know it. SharonH 

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  • Druanne
    Druanne Member Posts: 295
    edited December 2011

    Hi SharonMH !!!!!I am so glad to hear you are doing well!! I want to clarify that I have no problems with turning 60 years old Laughing When my Grandma was in her 60's she owned and operated a small motel and no one could keep up with her!! Laughing The point I was trying to make was that I feel so wonderful and fit right now in my life...........I don't want to feel broken and in pain all the time Cry I am REALLY happy to hear that you don't feel old!! YAY!!!!!

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  • nora_az
    nora_az Member Posts: 720
    edited December 2011

    hi Druanne!   I am a young 48. Before I was dignosed I was running, going to concerts, having a great time. A year out of treatment I am finally, slowly getting back to normal. I am here and for me that's all that counts!  Keep jumping off that couch!  If I were there I'd be joining ya!

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited December 2011

    hello all, yes it does get better the aches and pains,the treatments I was sore alot and then the tamoxifen more sore but it does get better, I,ll be a 18 yr Survivor, so take it from me hang in there sisters and brothers, December 17 , is my Anniversary, I pray for US ALL.  Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!msphil(idc,stage2,3 nodes involved, L mast, chemo with reconstruction(body rejected implant, removed)rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen

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  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 648
    edited December 2011

    Don't you guys just hate all the Christmas movies where everything turns out just perfect? You know the kind where it always snows on Christmas Eve, the long lost lovers reunite, families come together, blah, blah, blah. I want to take my gun and shoot the damn TV!

    PTSD - many of us are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we don't even realize it.  One day we're going along through life minding our own business and the next day things are changed forever. Someone had a signature on one of these threads "having breast cancer is like crossing the Mafia and not getting caught. You may live but forever be glancing over your shoulder".  That is how I feel.

    But on the positive side (yeah - I said the "P" word) I get rid of these tissue expanders Friday and get my silicone implants. Of course I have no nipples or areolas yet but that will come eventually.

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  • kdajay
    kdajay Member Posts: 90
    edited December 2011

    Hello, found this forum just today and had to post. Thank God I am not the only person who feels like they are falling apart! I have aches I never had before, get tired shopping just an hour in a store, go to bed early so I can get through the next day at work, and on top of everything else, my hands fall asleep at night no matter what position I am in when sleeping. Also, I am cold all the time...maybe when my hair comes back, I will finally get warm.

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  • dragonfly1
    dragonfly1 Member Posts: 766
    edited December 2011
    kdajay My hands go numb at night too and it makes no difference what position I'm sleeping in-my MO tried to suggest that it must be carpal tunnel syndrome. A little too coincidental since I had just finished chemo-I was pretty sure she was wrong. My neurologist said it's definitely neuropathy and that neuropathy is not always painful-it is usually worse at night which may be why we have the issue mainly at night. Mine has improved a little bit over time although its still happening. I'm taking B6 and B12 which they think helps nerves regenerate. I'm with you on the being cold all the time too (except for my chemopause hot flashes at 4 am every night, of course). It's getting really cold in NY and I only have 1 1/2 inches of hair-BRRRRR!
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  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited December 2011

    I can testify that neuropathy (mine! is from diabetes) gets worse at night. 

    Dragonfly1 ... I am definitely going to ask my doctor about B6 and B12 shots.  I'd like to regenerate a few nerves.  BTW, I read that you lose 90% of your body heat through your head

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  • dragonfly1
    dragonfly1 Member Posts: 766
    edited December 2011
    kmccraw423 I'm taking oral B6/B12 supplements daily. No wonder I'm so cold-better put my fleece hat on until I have more hair:)
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  • Kay_G
    Kay_G Member Posts: 3,345
    edited December 2011

    I have about an inch of hair. I sleep in a sleep cap. It doesn't help that my DH keeps it so f#%^**g cold at night. I can't wait to be able to ditch that sleep cap.

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    So...I have always had an cooler normal body temp - generally about 97.5. No biggie. Normal for me. The other day at the doctor's office, the first time they took my temp it didn't even register on the thermometer. Nurse asked if I'd just had something cold to drink...nope. She tried repeatedly, and finally got reading of 96.1 - apparently their thermometers don't respond to less than 96. I didn't feel cold at all, in fact, ironically I was having a minor hot flash. But my temperature regulation has been such a crazy issue! Cold-hot-cold-hot. Learning to put together fashionable layers. At night it is worse. As is neuropathy.

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  • kmccraw423
    kmccraw423 Member Posts: 3,596
    edited December 2011

    My temperature also runs low - never 98.6 - more like 97.  But I have always run hot.  Even though I have neuropathy and blockages in my legs I have good circulation in my feet - not to mention they are always warm as are my hands - go figure.

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  • Denise2730
    Denise2730 Member Posts: 648
    edited December 2011

    Anyone heard of low temperature syndrome:

    http://www.wilsonssyndrome.com/

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