Calling all TNs

JAN69

Oh LUV, I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm sure you must feel devastated and betrayed. I have no insight or advise, just warm hugs with a big dose of friendship. As you know, others will be along to offer support too. Jan

anotherNYCGirl

Oh Luv, I am so sorry that your husband is being so difficult right now. I know how you feel about moving away from drs that you are comfortable with, but I also know that it's hard on our husbands, too, that we are holding them back from doing many things. (My husband wants to travel and I am not up for that yet.)

A while ago there was mention on these boards about a book for husbands to help them understand how we feel. Maybe we can go back and find the book title? Mayyyyybe he would read , at least parts of, it??

Any chance he would go with you to talk with one of your drs? or a mediator type person?

How long have you lived where you are?

Would you consider moving back to TX? Would you be willing to take a trip and look around with him? Maybe you would find it to your liking?

My Mom had mastectomy many years ago, yet moved to FL (from here in NY) one year later. She found new drs in FL and was very happy there.

I dont blame you for wanting to stay if you are happy, especially if he likes to move around too often!

I hope that you and he can find a solution!!

Hugs from NYC

Luvmydobies

Thanks Jan! I appreciate it! XO!

AnotherNYCgirl, the problem is I'm really truly happy where we are. The weather is better and my allergies don't kill me like they do in Texas. I also find that the best therapy for is going to the Doberman rescue. I've volunteered at other places before and I have never been truly happy like I am here. So it's not just the doctors that's holding me back. I've gone everywhere he's wanted to our whole 16 years of marriage. I wish he'd do what I want for once. We have been here for five years. Before we moved here we built a house out in the country where we were and were only in the new house for eight months before we moved to NC. We had a place in town when he decided to have a house built and I asked him if he was sure we would be there for awhile before having the house built and he said yes. Haha! Right! My doctor and therapist have both talked to him but he has the idea that he's the only thing I need to be happy. I'm dead serious! He doesn't like other's telling him what I need. They've told him I need the least amount of stress possible and to be where I'm content, etc. That's not to say if we "had" to move that I wouldn't but this isn't a have to thing. I'd love more than anything to be closer to my family but I know as soon as the weekly sinus headaches and constant congestion sat in that I'd be miserable. Then I'd be going to the doctor even more and I despise doctor's offices now. You know what I mean? I wish I could forget I had cancer and not have the worries I have but it's hard for me. If we move I'd also have to leave the young breast cancer survivor support group here I attend once a month. It's not easy to find those that are for younger survivors. We have girls that drive one to two hours come because this is the only one close. Of course I'd always have you guys for support if we moved so that's a plus!

SA8PG

Luv

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this right now. I honestly don't think anyone other than the person walking the journey (hubbies included) really understand what we need or want after this cancer thing. I don't have any advice either. I'm sending you lots of hugs, love & prayers though & I believe after all you have fought to be here that you both will find a middle ground somewhere.

Hang in there. Thank you for sharing. Xoxo

G

KSteve

Luv - That just sucks.  Sounds to me like he's not interested in what makes you happy.  It's all about him and where/what he wants.  As much as I'm all for working hard on a marriage (I just celebrated my 29th wedding anniversary), but I also think you deserve to be happy.  Sometimes we (wives) tend to bend over backwards for our husbands.  With the circumstances we have all been through with breast cancer, we deserve happiness even more then ever!  I know I sound like a bitter person, but I assure you, I'm not.  I have a wonderful husband who has supported me through my journey and is truly my soulmate.  However, I watched my sister-in-law suffer through a long marriage, always bowing to what her (now ex) husband wanted.  After 35 years of marriage, she is on her own and has finally found real joy.  I hope you take the opportunity to talk to him about it again and maybe you can include some of the other reasons you're happy where you are (allergies, doby rescue, support group, etc.).  Maybe you can explain it without his initial anger that he felt when you didn't jump for joy at his suggestion.  If he's used to you up and moving on his whims, you probably caught him off guard.  Let it sink in with him and try talking about it again.  If he doesn't want to consider how these decisions need to be made together, then maybe he doesn't deserve you.  Wishing you lots of love and support.  With everything you've gone through, it must feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you.  We're here for you and sending positive thoughts your way.

Hugs,

Kathy

anotherNYCGirl

Luv, - sounds like he will be forever moving around. You seem to have given in to all of his wants, - and now are happy where you are. Can't he see that?

I agree with what Kathy wrote!!

6feetover

Luvmydobies: Thirded! Your husband sounds like a narcissist, unfortunately. Sadly, a lot of what you wrote (not the circumstances, but your husband's general attitude) reminds me of my own dad and the way he acted around/towards my poor mom when she was going through her two bouts of breast cancer–as though she'd been preventing him from "having a life," and was nothing more than a nuisance. Dad finally stepped up to the plate when it was too late and Mom was terminal with ovarian cancer.

You need to put yourself first, Luv. Your husband's purely selfish. You're fighting for your life.

slv58

Fourth, I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom. It just sounds like he will always be moving- have you talked to him about why he always wants to move? I truly think this next while should be about you.myour comfort and happiness. As little stress as possible while you try and find your new normal. I hope you can have a discussion with him without him getting angry.

Hugs xxx

Shari

greenae

luv

I am thinking of you, too. Fifth!

The book is Stand By Her, recommended by Shari, I think? A great book, I read it, SO refused. We were having troubles before BC, and they intensified during treatment. He resented my sisters and friends, and Refused to read the book. I think it's all about control. I think when (some) men feel they are losing, or have no control, they try to exert some elsewheere. We still have troubles, he's trying, I am trying, but we all know it aint easy! There has to be calm communication, listening and compromise. I hope you two can work on this together. We have enough on our plates with this TN BC, if you ask me.

Hugs and Good Luck,

Arlene

ALHusband

Since the dawn of time, it's kind have been the man's job to "fix things". It's what we do. We "fix things". (Not implying that women can't by the way. It's just "what we do") When our wives get BC...we are helpless to "fix" it. This causes us a great deal of stress. I remember how much I hated the helpless feeling almost more than anything. I can fix almost anything (or know someone who can), and I've always been the "problem solver" in our marriage, and I couldn't (nor did I know someone who could) fix the BC for my wife. What makes that stress go away is when all of the treatment is done and the docs give the thumbs up and the N.E.D. That's as close to "fixed" as we can get as husbands. We grab onto that and hold on and say to ourselves , "There. It's fixed". We as husbands often drop the ball after the N.E.D. because we tend to want to get BC into the rear view mirror and then out of view completely...as soon as possible...and get on with life. I have caught myself doing it and my wife has caught me doing it and I've had to take a step back and realize that while this is getting smaller in her rear view mirror, it will NEVER be completely out of view...as I'd like it to be. I've failed to recognize that there's a "new normal" that includes some fear and anxiety and I need to recognize this. LUV you said you've been moving around for 16 years. That's apparently your husband's pre BC "normal". It may have been your pre BC normal once too. But there's now a "new normal". I can understand how he can fail to see that because I've been there. He feels a little stress when you speak of Oncologists, etc because in his tiny "man mind" like mine, is "Isn't it fixed?" You must, in as nice a way as possible, explain to him (without condemning him) what the "new normal" looks like for you, and that it includes some fear and some anxiety. It doesn't mean you're not "moving on". It just means you're moving on a little differently, and a little more cautiously, than he is, and that a major move is not really in your "new normal" just yet. My wife is very good at articulating to me what her "new normal" looks like. It's helpful! There! I've babbled and tried to help and I'm not good at putting my thoughts onto paper. You're welcome to tell me to shut up and call me a moron if you'd like. By the way...today is my wife's 2 year "chemo versary".

slv58

Al, a very eloquent explanation and insight. Thank you for sharing, it always helps to have a male perspective!

ALHusband

My wife and I compromise on everything. For instance, she wanted a red couch and I wanted a black couch. We compromised and got a red couch. ;0)

anotherNYCGirl

AL, - I hope "MrsAL" knows what a great guy she has!!

greenae

al

Haha! I like the red couch story!

And well put. We hope we are fixed!

But there are so many reminders. Ugh.

Luvmydobies

Thanks everyone!! I appreciate all the insight and advice and most of all the kind thoughts and hugs!! I have always wanted to stop moving around and establish some roots. He knows this and he told me that his driver personality is what makes him the way he is and I have to accept it! He has to have a lot of praise and appreciation but he doesn't give the same back to me lately. I blame his mom for part of it because she's always told him he's perfect, he doesn't know how to fail, and he deserves the very best, etc. In her mind I'm worthless because I stay at home. I do get income from oil and gas wells so I bring in a fair share to help with the bills. Although he could marry a millionaire and that still wouldn't be good enough in her mind. He was awesome when I was in treatment. I saw a side I never thought he had, but now he tells me he's just not good at empathy. I'm going to try to let things cool down before having a sit down with him.He's hard to talk to because he shuts down when he doesn't hear what he wants. He's just not good with confrontation. ALhusband your wife is very very lucky!! Thanks for your insight! I'll keep you all posted. Please keep praying. Thanks so much for the support everyone! Love you guys!!

Tobycc

Definite smart move taking some time to cool down. my weapon is to A_{lways start with "I feel" -- I have been frustrated with DH as we bought a tiny house in TN when I got diagnosed. Yes, fixer upper, but no where near ready. And I am concerned on some level how long I can enjoy it.}

_{You may feel the same. You are finally at peace , and this is where you want to be. Simple as that.}

_{Will he meet with a counselor?}

_{I know my values have changed so much: so much less stress, less bitching, less worry, faith stronger than ever. I just want my little peace of country for respite.}

_{Write down some I feel statements: ie I feel sad that you want to leave here, because I feel so happy here, finally. etc.}

_{Hugs, love}

_Kath

Cocker_Spaniel

Well I finally got my computer back all well again and the bill wasn't half as much as expected which was a bonus. I even sent in my laptop for a tune up as well. But geez you ladies have been busy.

Cassylou I agree with adarkadapte the best thing to do is to contact your onco if you haven't already done this as you may have some inflammation in the breast that requires antibiotics. Hugs to you.

WNYMom I can understand your "what ifs" they are so debilitating and causes such anxiety especially as your mom passed with TNBC but try and stay positive, keep busy and try not to go there. Everyone is different and you can beat this. Sending hugs.

Curly you are right cancer sux big time but you would have had a huge shock with your dear friends liver mets diagnosis. Crying is not wasted as you are hurting for her but there may be some treatment she can have because I have often heard of liver mets disappearing with some types of other treatment. Try and stay your usual positive self for her and you. In your pocket.

Another what can I say that the other ladies haven't said. I am over the moon about your "Normal" liver enzymes. I don't think the nurses and docs ever put themselves in our place when it comes to getting back to us with results but I am joining Shofi in doing the happy dance. Hope your tummy troubles clear up soon as well. Do they know what is causing the trouble.

Hi to you Meadow. Good to hear from you and hope you are doing well.

wendeeB anxiety is the killer for us. It manages to creep into our thoughts every time until we can't think straight. In your pocket for a clear mammo. In the meantime stop keeping pushing your boobs around you will make them sore. lol.

Welcome Xjerseygrl. So glad you have stopped reading the doom and gloom and have come to us for positivity. Hang in there and take one step at a time. Hugs

greenae your summer felt long and my winter felt long and I am so over it. I can't wait to shed some of these winter clothes and spring is only a month away. Don't think about BC every day, think about how you will soon be able to enjoy your weights and spin class. They will soon come.

Toby so glad your hair is slowly coming back in. I was auburn with way hair now it has got silver tips and is dead straight, such a bummer. Yay to going wigless you brave lady.

LUV what can any of us say to make you feel better. Some men just can't take the long term route (not you AL). He was awesome to you whilst you were undergoing treatment but as far as he is concerned that treatment is now over and done with and its, right, ummm where shall we move to, not taking in the fact that you are happy where you are and want to put down some roots. Maybe he thinks your anxiety will be less if you have a new town or home to think about or maybe he is just a wanderer and expects you to keep up with him whenever or wherever he wants to go. Would he be able to get another job easily. Why is he always so discontented and not happy to make a forever home with you. Would he go to couple counselling with you. Maybe you both need to sit down together without anger, and say exactly how you feel without interrupting each other and if you feel you are unable to talk to each other without anger creeping in then write it all down and give it to him so he can read it and take in how you feel just for once. Every marriage needs compromises from both parties not just one. Do you feel you could follow him to the moon and back and if not, why not. Has your marriage reached its expiry date or how would you or he feel if you did separate. You have a lot to think and talk about my friend but I hope it all turns out good for you and you are happy whatever the outcome.

AL, I thought your initials meant you were called Alan as my hubby is. But from a male perspective you hit the nail on the head with your post. Well done you wonderful man.

simplelife4real

ALHusband, thank you for your great explanation and perspective. My husband is a great guy and has supported me every step of the way, but I know the way we think about my cancer is different. He's a "fixer" by nature and he doesn't tend to dwell on the past. Both of those aspects of his personality are very desirable as far as I'm concerned, but it does help explain our different reactions to my cancer. Your concept of the "rear view mirror" and the differences in our new normals makes a lot of sense.

PeggySull

Hi everyone! I have not been on BCO for about 6 months. Before that i was quite active on various threads. The 6 month time out was devoted to getting our 15 year old house ready to sell (a lot of major renovations to a small house) in Northern Virginia. The move was necessary as my really supportive husband had turned 71, hated his job and commute and really needed to retire. We couldn't afford to live in NoVA on retirement income so we found a home in Wilmington NC that we could afford. We are now located there. I am suffering terrible homesickness!!! I lived in NoVA area all my 64 years.

In December I will be 3 years out. I really put BC on the back burner since March--no exercise, now very poor eating habits. I didn't even keep my 6 month follow up with my oncologist whom I like (Dr. Denduluri). I think I just didn't want to say goodbye. Having lived here about a month, I'm finally getting my priorities straight. I'm looking for a good TNBC specialist and am willing to travel several hours from here (UNC?) I've read a few comments on the board this morning that mentioned UNC. Could anyone weigh in on this? I am looking for someone who is not only up on TNBC but also has a good bedside manner.

Thanks so much,

Peggy

6feetover

ALHusband: Thank you so much for that perspective! No, you're FAR from a moron, and I understand your "rear view mirror" analogy. You seem like a wonderful guy–no "blame the victim" stance/vibes, which is commendable. Glad to know that there are guys like you supporting their wives through this hell!

Luvmydobies

I spoke with him last night and he said he just wants me to move on. He says he would like to find a place in the country here if not TX. So he is willing to compromise I think. If we find a place in the country here I'd still be able to see my docs here. I'll keep you all posted though. Please keep praying though.

I do have a new worry though. I've been having more vaginal discharge and hopefully if it is anything it's just my period trying to come back. More of a worry is that I feel what I think is a lymph node in front of my ear! I had some decent sized red bumps in my hairline above the ear. They never hurt or itched but were red. There's still some redness and it looks a little flaky/dry in that spot. One fear is infection because I'm scared of antibiotics due to my CDiff history. Of course the other worry is cancer. They say nodes swell either from infection or cancer. Does anyone know if anything else can cause them to swell? I can't see it but if feels like a small pea.

Peggy, you asked about UNC. I was treated there and my Onc is Dr. Muss. He's not a TN specialist but he is one of the top cancer docs in the nation. However I think Dr. Lisa Carey at UNC is a TN specialist. I've heard good things about her. I love Dr. Muss!! He has great bedside manner as well. His nurse navigator is a gem too!

ALHusband

Cocker...ha ha! I guess I've never posted it but my name is Mike!

relocatedtarheel

Peggy-I loved Dr Dendeluri too# she recommended Dr Anders. She is super smart with great bedside manner

anotherNYCGirl

Luv, - Dont let everything make you think cancer!! Yes, - your hormones are probably trying to bring back your period, - and a bump by your ear could be an insect bite, or a cyst, etc! Check with the dr if you are concerned, - but don't let your imagination run away with you!!

Sounds like your husband is wiling to compromise! That sure sounds good!!

Cocker_Spaniel

LUV you are so dear to our hearts and I hate what you are going through but your post said it all. Your hubby wants you to move on because as Mike said "he can't fix it". He can't fix your worries or your anxiety because he just doesn't know how to. Some men just can't do this and it cuts them up. Keep that compromise going and even if you move to the country you will still see the same doc's. Perhaps you may even get your hubby to agree to stay somewhere for say ten years with a bit of luck. Saying many prayers that you both can work this out. xxooxx.

kal52

Hi, am wondering if anyone could give me some advise. As you can see below I have just had my second primary removed, though first TN. I am a stage 1 so mastectomies are not being recommended as I have no known family history, though I am one of very few females in my family. I am having genetic testing done just in case. I am very unsure how to proceed here as don't want to find myself with a third primary or recurrence of this TN. I am due to start chemo in the next couple of weeks. There are so many posts to run through here so thought someone who has a similar diagnosis to me may be able to help.

6feetover

kal52: I'm also TN and waiting on (more) genetic testing to determine how to proceed, re: surgery. Right now I'm an "uninformed negative" with regards to BRCA1 and BRCA2; in a few weeks, I'll find out whether there's something else going on–in other words, a possible familial cancer syndrome–or I've just got "bad luck."

JAN69

Luv I've been thinking about you and your situation about your dh wanting to move. I hope by now you and dh have found a compromise. I think I would just unglue if my dh came up with such an idea. We moved here with me kicking and screaming all the way. I'm happy now, but wow, what an adjustment. So have you been able to ask him to explain why he believes the move would be beneficial - to him or to you? Does he have real facts that life is better elsewhere, or does he simply get restless? Would he compromise to make a plan to wait to move in 5 or 10 years so that you can continue with your current medical team? Or simply tell him you simply are not moving and see what happens. So sorry you have this frustration. I've been thinking about what I would do in your situation and sure hope you can find a happy solution. Love ya, Jan

Luvmydobies

Cocker thanks so much for the kind words and prayers! XOXO! You're all dear to my heart too!

Jan, my husband says he wants to move to the country so he can have some acreage and grow some stuff like table grapes, strawberries, etc. He has always been restless, so this potential move isn't because he can't fix me. He wants to build a tiny house and is also wanting a place in Myrtle Beach. When I say tiny I mean like a house under 1000 sq ft. Our current house is around 3200 sq ft. Now I don't mean I want a big house, but I have no clue where we will put everything! He's already scheduled a realtor to come over Wednesday night! I secretly hope it doesn't sell. I hate the hassle of trying to sell because you never know when they may schedule a showing and it's just a pain because I'm the one who deals with all of it and it's not even my idea to do this. It wasn't the previous three times we've had it up for sale either. I had to cancel many showings because I was at the rescue on the days they wanted to show it or was out running errands and the dog's were in the house, etc. At least he's willing to stay close to my doctors so I can't complain too much I guess. Thanks for thinking of me. I love you too! XOXO!!

One other concern is the thing I'm having checked in front of my ear this morning. I don't know if it's a node or what but I'm nervous! Then there's the vaginal discharge that's increased the past week. So I guess I'll see if she will send off a sample of that to check for infection. Ugh!!! Thanks again everyone. You ladies and gentsare the bomb!!! Sorry about mentioning the discharge Mike. I know you won't have any idea about that since you don't have that issue. Haha!! You men are lucky to not have to deal with that!! Well, unless of course you have some kind of crotch critters! Ha!!

Love all of you so much!!!

Luvmydobies

kal52, if I'm not mistaken recurrence rates are pretty much the same whether you have a mastectomy or lumpectomy, unless stats have changed the last two years. My breasts were so small so mastectomy was my only choice. I did the double mastectomy and don't regret it. Take some time to think about it and get another medical opinion if need be and make the decision that you are most comfortable with. Some more folks here should be along with some advice too. Hang in there and welcome to the group. We are sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful group. We lift each other up and will lift you up and hold your hand too. XOXO!!