fingers crossed for faith

Meece

Here is to accomplishing your new goal.  (((Faith)))

faithandfifty

I'm doing it.

I have strung two really completely acceptable days in a row.

My only panic yesterday was in getting my long sleeve t-shirt OFF at the end of the day, last night. It went on with 'relative' ease in the a.m. (Was attempting to dress normally for my parents) but by the end of the day I was tired, worn out, achie etc and removing it was a chore.

I started to melt-down, but DH saved me by helping me extricate myself, one limb at a time. LOL.

Seems funny this morning in the sunshine of a new day.

I've taken myself for my morning walk, a few minutes longer. Now walking 20 minutes at a time.

Still 'erpie' from the crazy Effexor on Sun, but less so every day. Nuts? You think I'm nuts?

Progress.

Progress.

Progress.

xx00xx00xx

konakat

Of course Faithie, we always thought you were nuts.  Nothing's changed. 

I got stuck in a top in a changing room once soon after my lumpectomy -- it was awful, twirling around, flailing about, trying to get out of the d*mn thing!  What an ordeal!  No one to help me.  Funny after I got out, but ouch!  Didn't buy it I was so p*ssed off!

Sounds like your body is slowing getting used to the Effexor -- finally!  You've had a terrible time!

Today's going to be fun -- I'm meeting two of the local BC ladies I met online here -- we're going for coffee and dessert!  If the afternoon stretches on, maybe wine too!  I love my non-BC girlfriends but it sure is nice having some friends that "get it" too.  Have fun in the sun!

Elizabeth

xoxooo

mumito

LOL Elizabeth same thing happened to me in a dept store dressing room.I was so panicked I almost hollered out for help. I was so upset and embarrassed just went home emptyhanded as well.

Faith we are all a bit nuts thats what gets us through it all.

marlegal

Elizabeth, I hope you enjoyed your gathering as much as I've enjoyed all the ones I've gone to with our sisters here ... treasured memories for sure.  Faith kiddo, glad to see you're getting your spunk back and the reaction is dimming more and more each hour.  Love, hugs and prayers.

faithandfifty

better by inches and inches

we went out to a movie this afternoon & then had a bite of dinner........................

felt almost like a normal person: LOL

we've been having lots of new "categories" to help my recovery along

more laughing at us

xx00xx00xx00xx

konakat

We had a great time!  A pic of us is posted in Canadian Forum in the Calling all Canucks thread.

Oh my Faith -- you have to post the categories.  Don't tell me...in the movie theatre???  Nah.

sheila888

Faith...Im happy for you that you are feeling better every day.

Are you going to write a book about categories?

Sheila

hollyann

Faith, so glad you are feeling better and can add more"categories" to Chapter 2.........Oh by the way, if in the movie theatre make sure you are WAY WAY WAY in the back and the theatre isn't crowded........LOL More room to maneuver that way......hehehehehheeee.........

And now that you are in Florida, the sand dunes are nice and soft......hint, hint..........LOL



.

cookiegal

Oh my...we are going to be writing lyrics for Ludacris soon.......

good thing Faith doesn't have an Escalade!

faithandfifty

I just put this up on the Jan. Mast thread. Thought it probably belongs here as well:

I could write a book, but that would take a tad longer......

Robin & Cathy & I are the three without recon. I am now 3 weeks out and just beginning to realize the road ahead as far as "acceptance". You may remember this is incidence #2 with BC for me. I thought that I'd had 'plenty' of time to make this decision, which is true, but the reality of the aftermath is indeed just 3 weeks old.

Today the sun is out, the sky is blue, I'm in FL and taking my second 20 minute walk has worn me out. Those are all facts. So is the fact that I am now flat.

Today I'm not sure if I'm outta my mind, or in-fact "brave"??? (as reported by my BC mentor)

When I take a deep breath, I will again remember that this was my 'informed' choice. That does not mean that there isn't grieving involved. I know intellectually that 3 weeks is not long enough for the grief to be expressed. This time next February I will reflect on these days differently, but today I'm allowing myself to feel the sadness, cry some tears and breath into the acceptance of the whole story. 

My physical pain/ROM creates the psychological pain -- for me.

My dear, dear DH wants all to be back to the happy-go-lucky and on-the-go-girl. He has stood beside my descision process, but wants the 'rest' of me to be whole: today. He doesn't care about fluffies or foobies or flat chested dingle-boppers, but he wants "me" to be ready & raring to go. Which brings me back to the tears of the healing process.

It is a process.

I've known the 'survivor-guilt' concept, and I'm simultaneously 'there' & aching over this new body. It is a bizarre set of circumstances to combine together.  

For today, I will content myself with "hiding" under the layers of camaflage (how do you spell that?) and have as my ONE goal for the day to go to our community building tonight for Karioke nonsense. Now, I do not plan to sing-from-the-stage, but I do plan to 'force' myself to be with people tonight -- for the first time.

Keep your fingers crossed. They will in essence be total strangers, so this is a practise evening, to reintegrate with the living..... while in the midst of my healing and grieving.

((((((((((((((((Robin & Cathy)))))))))))))))))))))

deborye

 ((((((((((((faith))))))))))))))) 

deborye

 Drove my Chevy to the Levy but the Levy was dry. 

Anonymous

Things will get better once you start to feel more like yourself again, and less like a patient. 

The difference between what you intellectually know, and emotionally feel can be worlds apart.  You made an intellectual decision after considerable consideration about the treatment that you believed to be the best choice for you.  It will get you back to your real life more quickly than the other options would have.  For you, getting back to real life quickly was and is an important consideration.  That doesn't mean that your emotions won't occasionally catch you by surprise and start the waterworks.  You wouldn't be human if that didn't happen, and you are definitely human!!!! 

Try to relax and enjoy the pampering while you can get it.  Have fun at karaoke tonight. 

Expand your wardrobe of forms and fluffies and other camouflage and try various looks on for size.  Find the combination that works for you over time, or maybe you'll find that you enjoy being able to switch the variety to match your mood.

If your emotions don't let you find peace over time, reconstruction is always an option.  It's not an easy option, but it is there.  If you find that you need to do that to feel like you again, then the recovery will be time well spent. 

I suspect that once you are feeling more like yourself again, and have fewer and fewer reminders of surgery as your skin heals and there are fewer and fewer twinges both physical and emotional, that you will again appreciate the choices you've made. 

hollyann

Ah, Faith...That was me nearly 3 years ago....Mourning the loss of the "old" me and trying to come to terms with the "new" me........As a recon girl I know it is different for a non recon gal but I DO have a sister who is a non recon gal and it took her quite some time to adjust......The mourning of what was and what is and what will be are phases all of us go through whether we do recon or not.....As for DH wanting you whole "now".....Hmmmm....Sorry DH but our Faithie needs time....It takes time to heal physically and emotionally.....This is a very painful and slow process both physically and mentally.....Have you checked out the forum for "flat" ladies?...There are pictures there of a chatter/poster who ia bilat mast with no recons.....They are beautiful pictures.......

You go right ahead and cry, get angry, stomp your feet, wail and nash your teeth...You have earned that right, dear Faith.........You have had to face this beast not once but TWICE!......If anyone deserves some ME time it is YOU........I pray for peace for you......And sweetie you know there is always recon if you change your mind.....And we have the right to change our minds too...We are after all WOMEN!......And we have the right to do what ever pleases US when faced with this awful disease...it is all about us...NOT our spouses, and not our children or our friends and family...It is all about US!........

konakat

Dear Faith -- 3 weeks out of a major surgery that is so emotionally draining -- not much time to recuperate physically or emotionally.  Your strength and joie de vivre have always made me sit back and say wow and smile with admiration.  Right now I want to come over to your place, sit you on a chair, and sit on top of you -- hold you down to make you slow down!  And give you a big hug.

Take the time you need.  You must do that.  Kiss your DH and then smack him with a foobie and say honey, let's slow down for a few more weeks (or whatever YOU need/choose) and then you'll be back in a bunny suit hopping around as usual, no doubt discovering another category to give us girls a good giggle.

I know it is against your nature to sit still (hmmm, sounds like I'm writing to Saint!), and it's probably driving you nuts.  It sounds like you're pissed at yourself too.  Don't be.  Good grief -- look what you've been through -- dx to mx!!!  You're still in that whirl of emotions just like when we're first diagnosed.  You've had to experience that nauseating whirl twice!!  The expression time heals all wounds annoys me to no end, but it is true.  You do what you need and want to do, everyone who loves you will be there will you.  Have a good evening.  Hope you're keeping a note book of all the categories so you can teach us a few things!  Mouhouhahahaha!!  Love you Faith,

Elizabeth

xoxoxoooo

mumito

Good one Liz you have said it all.((((hugs Faith)))

AnnaM

I'm a recon girl, a double one, but hey, I believe know exactly what you're feeling, Faith. It's just not the same. I'm not the person I used to be. But then I tell myself that I'm not the physical me anyway. That's just the shell. Thinking that way leads me to think it'll be okay to leave the shell behind one day. It still doesn't help with the grief. That'll never go away, or so I think.

For me the grief is mostly about missing the thrill my breasts used to provide me. Boy were they thrilling. These new ones are nice and all that, but they don't put me up there . . . Kinda like not having any at all.

Still, it's okay bec. I get to wake up from my sleep and experience a new day. Each day is a wonder. Even with the snow.

NancyD

Faith, I'm only recently reconstructed. I lived flat for 18 months, went through the whole debate the entire time, should I or shouldn't I? I got to the point where I felt really good and healthy, and it was only then that I allowed myself to make any final decision.

I will say, recovering from my bilat mx was easier than from the DIEP recon, at least physically. The emotional part is totally different.  When I had the mxs, I was sure that was right. I wanted the cancer out and would deal with the rest at some later date. 

The recons will be more "convenient"...no dealing with forms or worrying about appearance as much (will still have to deal with scars). But that's about all I can say for them at this point. Pardon my pun, but I guess they need to grow on me.

Anyway, my perspective is that is was easier to make the change from having breasts to not having breasts than from not having breasts for some time to having them again.

hollyann

(((Faith)))...Thinking of you this morning......Happy Sunday to you.........

faithandfifty

True story from this morning.

Saint has put me on a "program" for the next couple of weeks. I started walking 15 minutes, once a day. I am now up to 20 minutes twice a day. Have a regular little route. This morning it was a brisk 49 degrees when it was time for my first walk.

Good grief, I'm from the midwest! Forty-nine degrees should feel like a day at the beach.

So I got on my walking shoes, walking pants and zipped up my winter parka with hood and set out for my 20 minute path. It wasn't too windy, so I was toasty & comfortable.

I'm just about to the half-way point, when this woman/total stranger, pulls her mini-van to a complete stop, having driven up behind me. She puts her window down and says these four words:

"You are soooooooo courageous."

I am completely flabber-gasted. I think I must have a bumper-sticker on my back that says: basket case, double mastectomy, no recon, please pity in addition to some blinking lights over my head.

I stand there dumb-founded. Unable to speak. Thinking I will burst into tears at her supportive comment.

In my silence she then goes on to say, "It's sure a cold morning for a FL walk."

My mind goes cart-wheeling. She hadn't used her x-ray vision to see thru my three layers to comment about my scars and my healing process.

I was finally able to stammer something about recovering from surgery and needing the fresh air.

Out of the mouths of angels, unawares.

I nearly floated home.

I am indeed couragous!

xx00xx00xx00xx

Thanks team, for all of your support & insight.

karen1956

AnnaM...you said it so well....I too had a bilat with recon (implants)...yes, I'm not flat, but these are not my boobs....and never will be.....53 year olds don't have boobs like recon boobs....I think its all about all the losses that BC has brought to some many of us....and greiving....yes, grieveing....not sure that I have every full done that.....and this past Wednesday 2/3, was 4 years since I heard the dreaded words, "you have BC".

Faith.....great story.....

carolinachick

Love the story, Faith.  You are very courageous, indeed.  Give yourself time to grieve and mourn. 

faithandfifty

I can't remember when I started using my traditional 'sign off' of "strength and courage."

I do know that I type it three times, because our pastor always closes the church service with:

"Let there be peace. Let there be peace. Let there be peace."

Initially when I was introduced to her three-fold conclusion I was a bit put-off by the repetition, but over the course of the summer it became one of my favorite aspects of worship. A ritual.

So I started typing "strength and courage" in the three-fold manner, whenever it was that I started to do that. LOL. Doesn't matter...... but I would guess that it's been over a year or so??

Imagine the shock on my face when I opened my new little book of devotionals this morning and read the following:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."   --Deuteronomy 31: 6

Holy cow, Batman.

I guess I've been quoting Deuteronomy all this time, and just haven't given credit, where credit it due. So here's to our Feb unfurling with fewer & fewer fears.

xx00xx00xx00xx

Strength and courage.

Strength and courage.

Strength and courage

hollyann

Wonderful story, Faith...You know it IS true though...You are one of the most courageous ladies i know......You have this beast not once but twice with strength and courage......I am facing another demon and hope I can face it with strength and courage the way you have taught me......I have to see a specialist for my thyroid now.....US showed signs of either thryoiditis or Graves's Disease....Can't tell for certain which without further testing......I ampraying for thyroiditis because if it is Grave's then that means more surgery and RAI and being in the hospital under isolation for 4 days......Not something I really want.........But because of the strength and courage you have shown here I am able to face this with strength and courage too......Thank you so much Faith, for showing me how to calmly and faithfully face any adversity.........

hollyann

Now I am off for a nice long walk, too.....I have really neglected my walks and feel a strong need to do so this morning........Love you bunches, Debbie.......

EWB

Faith - as always you are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to treat yourself as you would treat one of us - gently, with kindness and patience, allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of your breasts, the loss of innocence, the loss of the world as you thought it was. Its ok to feel sad, angry, betrayed, anxious and anything else that comes up, Tears are a necessary part of the greiving and healing process, your body knows what it needs to do.  As hard as it can be, allow yourself to experience whatever comes, acknowledge it and let it go. For this to shall pass and the sun will shine and you will feel whole again.

mumito

Way to go FAITH can't believe it is that chilly in Florida.

shiny

Amen EWB, Amen.

big peachy hug Faith daaaling.

Shiny

hollyann

Faith I walked a whole 4 miles this morning!........2 miles to the gas station and 2 miles back!......Halfway up there I almost turned around but then I thought of you and how you just keep on trucking so I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and before you knew it I was there and back!......I had so much energy when I got home I cleaned my house!.....LOL......You are such an inspiration to me.......Keep on smiling, Faith!......It DOES get better..........