January Mastectomy

pbebow

Wow, Kat so happy that things are looking up for you!  Tell your DH not to order your Hooters shirt, you can have mine, I won't be needing it.  I seem to be right back where I started from, with droop B cups but this time with big nipples and lots of scars.  I am sooooo not happy with my unveiling, I have been crying all morning and I don't see an end in sight.  Every time I look down or walk past a mirror, I start crying again.  They are so small, I'd gladly go back to my coconuts, at least I was big, now I'm just as small as I was start with, only now my stomach is bigger from being so inactive all this time.  I'm changing my saying to just Squishy, there is no Yippee!  Sorry to be such a downer, I am just so sad, I so wanted a silver lining to all of this and I was so excited about having nice perky big boobs to fill out my shirts, and now I got nothing!  I do not understand why he went so small, he knew what I wanted, I literally told him Big boobs, small nipples and I want to look like I've had a boob job.  I didn't want a natural-I've had 3 kids- droop!  I had that before, so, yes I'm glad that I that the cancer is gone and that I made sure that it wouldn't come back, but I so wanted my silver lining.  I'm sorry, I probably won't be posting because I am feeling so negative right now, I dont' want to bring you all down....  have a nice weekend.

Paula

neversurrender

{{{{Paula}}}}  Don't give up Paula.  It is still so early, give them a chance to settle and see how you feel.  If you are not happy with them, make your PS fix it - or follow Kat's lead and get a new PS to fix it for you.  You deserve the silver lining, don't give up.  Please don't stop posting, we are here for you - - good, bad, mad, sad..that's why we are here.

 Love ya Paula,

Sally

pbebow

Thank you Sally, but I don't think settling will make them any bigger.  And I'm afraid that the insurance won't cover another surgery to make them bigger, that would be considered cosmetic.  I just don't understand what he was thinking.  I know that we discussed using 500 cc implants or bigger, and I was very clear that I wanted to be big and he went down to 450 cc's... I was expanded to 650 cc's, why he went down so much I just can't figure out.  I made it clear that I didn't want to be droopy, I wanted very perky and big.  I just don't understand...  I don't think there is any fixing it without replacing to a bigger implant and like I said, I don't know where the insurance stands on that...  He did everything else fine, took care of divet and other issues, the nipples seem a little low to me, but DH says they are fine, but he is trying to make me feel better so don't know how he really feels.  I guess I'll get over it and get used to once again to being flat and not sexy, but right now I am just sad.

Paula

binga

Paula,

I am so sorry you are unhappy with your results.  You deserve the breasts you want.  This journey is so hard and the least we should have is the size we wanted.  I have seen several posts on exchange city where the girls got new sizes because they weren't happy.  Maybe you can ask them if their insurance paid for it.  I know it sounds cosmetic but it really isn't.  We didn't ask for our breasts to be taken just so we could have larger breasts.  They were taken from us and we deserve a silver lining.  Don't give up and don't worry about bringing us down- we are here for you!

Becky 

faithandfifty

This is such a challenging journey.

Unforseen pitfalls, setbacks, detours..... all the while a complete future of unknowns.

I say we have a big boo-hoo, pity-party, fall down the rabbit hole, glum-a-thon.

Let's get some of this nonsense outta our system together.

You probably don't really want to get me started.

I had a call on Thurs from my 'breast-care-nurse' and as I told her my saga-of-woe she agreed, I had the right to be unhappy. It was nice to have confirmation that I'm not just a whiner.

xx00xx00xx00xx00xx

Strength and courage.

Strength and courage.

Strength and courage.

faithandfifty

And then we can have a WAHOOOOOO we-did-it-celebration off in the future, when all of this has been such 'old' news that we have triumphed with flair and pizazz..... and our season of BC is a mere footnote in an otherwise delightfully full life,

Here's to the future..... a decade from now, when we look back at this and have put it into the perspective that a long, full life deserves.

xx00xx00xx00xx 

sunsnow

Oh, Paula. I'm so sorry you're unhappy. I know hard you've tried to remain positive through everything because of the outcome you've counted on. When is your next appt. with your ps? Maybe you could work with the women on Exchange City to come up with a list of questions for him, like what is reasonable to expect as far as changes, and what will he do to get your insurance to cover new implants if those changes are not to your satisfaction. I am not loving mine either, though I didn't love the originals, but the imperfections were remnants of happier things like good meals or nursing children, not cancer. While we won't ever look perfect, I do think it's important for all of us to feel that we have gotten the best possible outcome. I know how hard it is to hear this, but try to be patient. Don't I sound like the voice of experience a whole 4 days ahead of you? Mine have been getting "fuller" all week, and that's even with wearing an underwire bra 24/7. If you need to vent and don't feel like writing, just pm me your number and I'll call you or send you my number. But, please don't stop reaching out--we're all here for you. Maura

KatRNagain92

Paula,

I would think he can go back in and give you 600cc implants.  Since you have the nipples to contend with, I wonder if they can go under your breast to switch them out like an augmentation?  If he overfilled you to 650, you can accomodate a 600cc implant.  My new PS says that  the skin reacts like a pregnancy belly with the amount of shrinkage you go through when the TE's come out so you have a window here...I'm glad you're seeing him soon before it shuts!    

Maura's right...go over to EC or Sizing 101 and talk to Deborah (whippetmom)

Hang in there darling!
Kat

robinlbe

Paula....I'm so sorry...I can't totally understand your feelings, but I do understand down days...I went back to the fitters today to exchange sizes.  Took my husband with me this time.  I just can't seem to find the right size or the right fit or the right feel.  And those stupid mastectomy bras feel like straightjackets.  I move my arms up, and the whole kitenkaboodle rides up......it's so discouraging.  Then the fitter tried on one of the "stick to your chest wall" kind of forms....at first it felt okay, but after about five minutes, I couldn't take it any longer....I had to rip that $450 fake boob off!

I ended up in tears.....After Monday's fitting, I bought pockets to sew in my own bras...where they DON'T ride up on me when I move my arms (although the fitters say my bras are one size too big for me...hmmm).  But then, the weight of the fake boob, rubs the rib bones that stick out...so after wearing my forms for three days, my ribs hurt.  Today, I'm going flat again.

I ended up in major tears today......especially after my 12 y.o. son complained that my "short" trip over to the store ended up being an hour.  I had a complete meltdown.....like I asked to have my breasts cut off??????  Like I really wanted to have prosthetics!??!?!   Like I had a choice?!?!? Like ONE stinking hour of his life was going to make a difference.....

ok....I'm thinking of all of you guys....Do you think this is the three month "smack in your face", we've tried to stay positive this whole time, with only a few ups and downs, and now we're going to crash just a little time???  Think there's something to a three month discouragement thing??

Well, we're still hanging tough....we'll make it!  We will....we're more than survivors!!!!  We're conquerors   

blessings...robin

Pennyirene

Hello, I just signed up on this website, I hope I do this right! I was diagnosed 4-6-10 with ILC and have been told I have to have a mastectomy in a few weeks. Everythings going too fast for me. I am going thru a hospital clinic and do not have the option to get a second opinion. I have read so much about this disease, I guess they are correct. I am really afraid I will freak out when I see that boob removed. I will have delayed reconstruction (I have not seen the PS yet, so I dont know why he wants to delay). My boobs are small to begin with, so it may not be that different, ha. I am between and A and B cup. I envision myself looking at the incision for the first time and running out the house screaming like a psycho. Did you guys feel that way?

binga

Pennyirene,

It really wasn't like that for me.  I was able to look at mine the day after surgery and felt that it wasn't too bad.  I was afraid I would feel the same way you are imagining but it was not really like that at all.  I was small to begin with also but I was able to do immediate reconstruction.

Hope everything works out well for you- sorry you are having to join this group but you have found the right place to talk to people who understand what you are going thru.

Becky 

cornellalum

Pennyirene -

It will be ok.  I am 9 weeks out from my bilateral mastectomy, and didn't have reconstruction.  I am fine.  No screaming.  No psycho fits.  I look at my (very flat) chest as proof that I am doing all I can to win this war. 

You are only a few weeks into this battle.  Try to breathe.  You will get through this.  As a beloved poster on this thread says: Strength and courage.

PM me if you want to talk.

bcincolorado

Sally:  I am sooooo sorry about your abdominal pain!  I still remember the pain from my 2 C-sections.  With the first one I couldn't get out of a chair by myself so I couldn't be at home alone with the baby for several weeks!  I pray you heal soon!

Laura:  With the TE being so "up there" I once told my DH that if I was dead in the morning it was because my foob choked me in the night!

jizogarden

Dear Paula,

It breaks my heart to hear how sad you are with your outcome...I hope that some miracle has happened and your implants are beginning to take the shape you hoped for....but I know it's probably way to early for this.

I posted earlier that my own gp who had a DMX with reconstruction burst into tears when she first saw her breasts.  She said they were still so scared, and flat on the front like the TEs that she felt they would never ever look normal.  The first two weeks she was so worried that all that she had done was for nothing....why had she bothered with reconstruction at all.......  But in two weeks something amazing happened...I guess it's the "drop and fluff" and her breasts moved out of her armpits and her scar rounded on front of her breast and they started to look like boobs I'm not saying this will be true for you but it may be something to consider.   My gp now has beautiful boobs...natural and lovely looking (yes she has shown me

Now here's my second thought....I don't think changing your implant size is considered a new cosmetic surgery when it comes under bc reconstruction.  I believe that it is considered to be a revision to correct the profile of the breast.  I also think any revisions that are needed are the responsibility of the ps.  I may be wrong about this but I pretty sure I remember reading the reason ps don't like to do implant revisions is because it comes out of their pocket so some are reluctant to go further with a patient. Again I could be wrong and there are many on these lists with far more knowledge than I have......but please call your insurance company and see what their policy is with BC reconstruction and revisions....it is different than augmentation revisions.  Can you get a second opinion from anyone else?

I'm just so sorry that your so sad and I hope you find a way to get the breasts you want and deserve....wishing you all the best.

Strength and courage to you,

Laura 

robinlbe

Hoping everyone is feeling better - physically and emotionally- this morning...

I am   

thankfully.....guess a good night's sleep didn't hurt much.  Praying for each of you and your individual battles/struggles - because we each have our own, as our journey is leading down different paths. 

I am wearing my forms/foobies/bumps/curves for the first time to church today....I will be doing all kinds of stuff up front, too....playing flute, piano, etc....I'm hoping I won't feel self-conscious, but I'll be too busy and worshipping too much (hopefully) to notice myself (and hopefully) so will everyone else.

Still, though, this is another milestone for me.

blessings...robin

KatRNagain92

How are you this morning our dear sweet Paula?

I prayed you had a restful night's sleep and are able to see things today in a better light. 

Love,
Kat

jizogarden

Robin - you'll be beautiful today with or without forms/foobies/bumps....there doesn't seem to be and easy answer to any of this....uncomfortable bras....uncomfortable TEs....silicone....saline.... Getting back to life as close to our old normal life is harder than it seems.  Hope your and your bras come to an agreement that brings you a painless solution

Rebecca - welcome to this place full of wonderful ladies.  You have seen more of cancer in your short lifetime than anyone should have to endure.....strength, courage and healing to you.

Artsy - welcome....this is a safe and caring place to speak our minds, knowing that we are all going through this together.

I hope to work in the garden today.....and take Smudge for a long walk /'.'\

Healing and strength,

Laura - 8 days to my exchange!!!!!  

neversurrender

{{{Robin}}}, I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday.  I hope everything goes smoothly at church today.  Let us know how it goes.

I am feeling much better.  I only needed one dose of percocet yesterday, and that was close to bed time.  I see PS on Tuesday for follow up appt, and will find out why I have two drains and why he had to open the whole incision.  I was able to see my breasts today for the first time, not a lot of change there, bu he warned me of that.  Due to swelling, it will be a while before I see the new shape/size/contour of the breasts.  My hips, however are fabulous ! 

Paula, how are you feeling today?

Maura and Lyn, how are your recoveries going ?

Strength and Courage !

Never Surrender !

Sally

Pennyirene

thanks Binga and Cornellalum. that helps so much. I will probably be on here a lot in the coming weeks! I am a big chicken. I think for me its not so much about having a flat chest (I have basically been almost flat chested my whole life until I started menopause then all of a sudden I grew , hahaha.) I think its a fear of seeing myself mutilated, I guess. I am so glad to have found this chat room.

cornellalum

Pennyirene - I sent you a PM. Click on the Private Messages tab on the top of the page to get it.

pbebow

Good morning ladies... well I'm calmer now and not crying anymore, but still not happy with the result.  I will try to be patient and let them settle but I will also talk to the PS tomorrow at my appt and let him know that I am not happy with the result.  I am also going to post my pictures on the picture forum and get opinions from others.  My sister said they look good to her and she thinks that they are a C cup and perky, but if they are they are not the shape that I wanted.  I feel like I am acting like a spoiled child though, others are having so much worse problems, chemo and rads and mets and stuff and having to find proths that fit right and just getting ready for MX and dealing with all of that seems so much more important, but I don't know, it's just how I feel, but I'll try to be more positive.  Robin, I hope all went well at church today.  Sally glad things are going good, let us know how your appt goes on Tuesday.

Pennyirene.... welcome.  We all know what you are going through right now.  The not knowing is so much worse then anythign that you are going to go through.  I know that I was so afraid of how I would look, as I'm sure you have read, I am a little vain and full of myself, so looks are very important to me.  I also did a lot of reading on this site before my Bilateral Mastectomy (BMX) and had a read that a few ladies, none on this thread, had never let their husbands see them after their BMX (not sure how they managed that) but that seemed so odd to me not to share that with the one closest to you, so my DH and I talked about it before my surgery and we agreed that we would look together for the first time.  He was my rock, he helped with my first showers and changing my dressings and emptying my drains.  And never once did either of us run out of the house screaming.  As a matter of fact, I never once cried after my BMX, I wasn't horrified by my chest, I did have Tissue Expanders (TE's) placed immediately and he put 250 cc's of saline in them so I had bumps to start with, so that might of helped.  Now my unveiling after my exchange surgery is a whole other story.  But all I can say is lean on your loved one and let them help you, and try to always have a positive attitude, that has helped me tremendously thought out this whole experience.  I have lost my way here the last couple of days, but am trying to get back to my positive attitude, I guess we all have to have down days, as Robin said, I guess this is mine.

Kat, I guess I'll keep my Hooters shirt and we can both wear them when we meet up!  I might not fill mine out as well as I did with my TE's  but I guess I can still wear it.

Bless and Release!

Paula

pbebow

Pennyirene, also, just wanted to say, you are your best advocate, don't let the doctors tell you what you can and can't do, go and see a PS before your surgery and find out what your options are.  There is no reason that you can't at least talk to him and find out why you have to wait for reconstruction, you have a right to know everything, and believe me, the doctors aren't going to tell you every little detail, maybe not because they don't think you need to know, but sometimes I think they just don't think to tell you the small details, it's old hat to them and they forget that we are just learning all of this.  So, please, push and study and ask questions!

Bless & Release!

Paula

neversurrender

Paula, You are not acting like a spoiled child.  You have every right to want the results that you want.  We all have that right.  None of us asked to be here.  Not having to have chemo or rads or any other treatment does not make your desired outcome any less valid. 

Let us know if you end up posting pics and want our opinions.

I was going to try to go to my DD's soccer game this afternoon, but just took a shower and it wiped me out.  I am going to take a percocet and watch/doze through a movie on my couch

Love ya ladies,

Sally

pbebow

Okay, I posted all of my pix on the picture forum, so for those of you that have access please go and have a look and see what you think.

Thanks!

Paula

Oh and Sally, I went to my kids' soccer games yesterday, I was out of the van for about 5 minutes and the wind was blowing and it was freezing and I started hurting so bad that I went back to the van and sat in there for the rest of the time.  Didn't get to see much soccer from there, but it was just too cold.  so, if it's cold there at all, don't try it!

neversurrender

Paula, I don't think they look droopy at all.  I think they look really good, but it all depends on how you feel about them.  Talk to your PS and see what he has to say.  I have to say, the last picture of you with the TEs...holy cow !  I see now why you ladies say they are like coconuts - Ouch !  That looks so painful. 

Sally

pbebow

Sally, thank you.  Actually my TE's the last month or so weren't that painful, my first 2 fills hurt bad but the last 2 didn't hurt at all.  But they sure did look like coconuts, maybe that's why I'm having the hard time with the adjustment... I don't know.  I know nothing will be able to be done right away so I'm trying to just give them a chance.  I see PS tomorrow, so will talk to him about it then.

Paula

Pennyirene

I read the responses and am very grateful, thanks. I go to the PS Monday (tomorrow) for my first consultation, and I will ask a lot of questions, even if they seem trivial. I think you are right about the docs being so used to all of this that they dont think to tell us some things.I heard from some ladies in the support group I just visited, that the PS I am going to is wonderful and very kind. So that is an answer to prayer.

jizogarden

Pennyirene - welcome to the group, so many good people here to talk to, to learn from...

I had a good weekend....gardening, walking Smudge, spending time with DH  Working on color theory for an upcoming class.

A week from today I'm going to have my exchange surgery and I find I'm full of mixed feelings. The BMX was about getting rid of the cancer.....it was something I had to do to survive.  Now I find my fear is about the future....about going under anesthesia and waking up hoping my ps and I have been on the same page...hoping that I will feel comfortable with my new boobs.  I think knowing that the choices I make now will be with me for a very long time are raising my anxiety levels a wee bit.  I feel like I want to sit down one more time before I go under the knife and just have my ps say "Laura your going to be fine...your going to be happy when you wake up."  I know this is normal...but it doesn't make it any less real.  I find I'm not sleeping very well, waking up early...arggghhhhhh....deep cleansing breath....deep cleansing breath......phew!

Not looking forward to being restricted again....I finally feel like I can do just about anything without worrying about it.  Ah well....got through healing the first time.....at least this time if all goes well the recovery will be much much less painful and faster  My ps said he feels like I will have a very straight forward exchange without extra work done.  I do trust him and I have seen his beautiful work.  It's a huge leap of faith that has to be embraced...sometimes I feel full of trust and then I will become worried and then trusting and then worried...you get the picture =o\

Thanks for listening...just need to vent some fears....I'm really fine...just pre surgery jitters....

Strength and healing,

Laura 

pbebow

Laura, I hope that I haven't added to your worries.  All I can say is please be sure that you and your PS are on the same page.  I didn't want to push him too much, I told him what outcome I wanted and we discussed 500 cc's but we didn't go into style, high profile, moderate profile, anything like that, even thought Whippetmom told me to ask for HP, I figured that he was doing a great job with everything else, and he knew what I wanted and he would choose the right one for the job.  But I was wrong, so please do discuss specifics with him and take in pictures of what you'd like your outcome to look like.  Because apparently for me saying "I don't want the natural droop, don't want saggy, want big perky, I want to look like I had a boob job"  I really told him all of these things, I thought they were pretty self explanatory, but I was wrong, because I have a very natural looking result that I am not happy with.  I so wish that I had taken in pictures, but I didn't want to insult him, now I have to worry about going in and telling him that I am not happy with the result without insulting him.  I have pictures this time and Whippetmom's advice, let's just hope that I can get him to redo it and have insurance cover it.  So, please please please everyone, talk to your PS!!!  I know that you have seen my pix and you think they look good, so it's not like he totally deformed me, he did do a nice job, but that wasn't the look that I was looking for.  I was looking more for something like Whippetmom's results.  So, anyway, just thought that I'd give that little bit of advice, didn't mean to go off on a tangent.  I'm off to see my PS, wish me luck!

Paula

neversurrender

Good Luck Paula.  I hope you and your PS are able to work it out.  Let us know how it goes.

Laura, if you are feeling anxious and like you need to see your PS again before exchange, do it.  I had a few unanswered questions prior to my phase 2 surgery, so I  called and went in.  It really set my mind at ease.