January Mastectomy

jizogarden

Control - bcincolorado and frosty1 .... Letting go of control was very hard but such a surprise when I loosened my grip  I have always been the caretaker in my home....when I allowed my husband to take care of me it was amazing to see how wonderful he was at doing everything....he even measured the fluid in my drains until they were removed =o}  I found out that he is a very giving man....and was happy to do the shopping, cooking, vacuuming, changing the bed, laundry and even scrubbing the bathroom....

We had a beautiful son named Graham who fought cystic fibrosis for 17 years.  I was with him 24 hours a day...I was his mom, his caretaker...his friend.... I never reached out to my DH to help with Graham's care...he was always there to support Graham and I in every way but I was always the one trying to control everything......in the end.....I couldn't control everything..... I wish I could have cut cystic fibrosis out of my son so he could be with us still, but that was not to be.  We lost him 7 years ago....but it seems like yesterday.

So breast cancer has demanded that I stop, let go and just get to the other side.  I think of my son's courage and grace every day...I hold on to his bright spirit that remains with me always.

Strength, courage and healing,

Laura 

ariesrottie

Happy Easter Everyone and who ever celebrates Passover enjoy these last few days with this beautiful weather... Going to the PS today for just a follow up... No more fills for me. Just checking and refining until after chemo is done.  Then I will make a date for the exchange...

Daughter is home for weekend and I am going to enjoy it...... Hope everyone is feeling great for the weekend... My thoughts and prayers are with all my January Sisters.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Donna

sunsnow

Laura: The way you speak of your son is so beautiful. Your artistic spirit allows you to paint with words as well. Thank you for sharing the strength and beauty of Graham's spirit with us.

My experience with my husband was also a revelation--a lesson in control. Things in my life were such that I had to take care of myself very early and I constantly felt the need to control things as well. When I was diagnosed and then lost my Dad a week later, I finally let go of the illusion of control that had been a part of my life since I was 8. What a relief...and my husband showed a nurturing side that I didn't know he had. I'm not sure he knew he had it either, but I certainly never gave him the opportunity to show it. 

I'm not going to say that BC was a gift, but that is one small positive in this dark period. 

My exchange surgery is in about 10 days, and I feel myself going into a tunnel again. It's not quite like the period before the mastectomy, but I have to constantly remind myself that this is different. My head knows this, but my heart is so scared of returning to the scene of the crime. It will be nice to have this behind me.

Enough reflection...time to get my youngest out of the shower before the hot water runs out!

Maura 

Lynbob

{{{{{Laura}}}}}

burley

Maura-yea for you!  10 days, that's awesome.  It will be here and over before you know it, then you can get on with the rest of your healing.

Control-ah, yes.  I will admit-I am still in control of most things around here, although my husband has taken some things away from me (everytime I ask him about money, he shuts me up and says don't worry about it...um, ooookay.)  I have still had to worry about almost all the dinners, other than when people have brought food over.  I still do all the grocery shopping.  The cleaning either doesn't get done, or I have to seriously get after the kids to help out.  And my beautiful yard looks awful-also something I have to get after the kids about, or it doesn't get done.  Chemo side effects or not, I'm still the one that feeds the 4 cats, makes sure the 4 dogs have been fed, and reminds someone to look after the tortoise.

I would like to throw up my hands and say enough, but that truly wouldn't be my life.  I always have more than I can handle on my plate, and seem to operate best that way.  So my house isn't showroom quality right now-so the weeds are thick enough that you could mow them and it would look like grass-LOL.  I'm still recovering from a double mastectomy, AND going through chemo for the next 4 months.  As long as my kids/husband/pets are o.k., I feel like I'm doing a good job.

frosty1

Amen to that, Kim!  I have dead flowers in vases and I can't bring myself to throw them out.  My husband looked at them when I pointed them out today and he said it reminded him of the Addams Family.  So I guess he won't be throwing them away.  I'm just wrapping up the everything tastes yucky and smells are horrible phase, so maybe I can get rid of the dead flowers.

bcincolorado

Maura & Laura: {{{{hugs}}}.

We just have to control what we can and let go of what we can't.  As women we like organization and of course we know "best" how to do things and aren't always happy if things aren't put where we would put them or clothes hung/folded the same way.  When my mom moved in with me a few years ago I had a very hard time to let her do laundry.  Then someone pointed out that it was her way of helpng and feeling needed and then I could do it.  I can't say I don't change somethings sometimes so she doesn't know, (the control thing) but at least if I can't do it, I know someone else can do it "good enough."

May everyone have a great weekend!

ReginaR

 Dear Jan Gals, Think of  each you all so much. I pray for you to get strenght  for Doc appt & treatments. I hope all are feeling stronger each day! I been busy this week,& I am sorry I havn't post but I been checking in & reading . I want to give all my Jan Sisters{{hugs}} for all the Healing ! Prayers to all!

Well after 3 months  1 week & 5 surgery most I started Back at American Red Cross this week. Was very Excited,But I am exhausted ,Taking it slow to get back in my routine again! But was a great week getting back to friends & Donors. I appreciate my warm welcome back!,  I am very Tired & will be so glad to rest tomorrow!  I am taking Vitamins & Iron & Just finsh up 2 week of Antibotics , I am still taking a mini Vac from Tamoxinfen,But will see My onococgist again April 22 for labs  & check up etc~!  I am frustrated with my energy Level, but I know I will get stronger every day! I appreciate all your Prayers ,Fianlly staring feel like me again, just want more energy!  Hope all  of you are well! Thanks again & Love ya all!  Hope you have A wonderful Easter weekend!! {{hugs}} Gina

All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny! Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Somebody parts should be floppy. Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans. Good things come in small, sugar coated packages. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey. May the joy of the season fill your heart. AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!  Happy Easter!!

Love Ya Pink Pals ! xoxx Gina

robinlbe

Gina....You forgot to tell everyone that you rec'd enough votes to be one of the 136 BC survivors to make the walk on the Oaks Day....the day before the Kentucky Derby!!!!   

January Team.....Gina and I live right across the river from Louisville, Ky...the home of the Kentucky Derby.  The day before the Derby is the Kentucky Oaks....the race for the fillies.  This is the 136th running.  Each year they have a victory lap walk for BC survivors......this year 136 women get to make that walk.  People nominate women, and then voting is done online.  The top 136 vote getters are able to make that walk....and GINA is one of them this year

GO GINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blessings....robin

Lynbob

Congratlations Gina! {{hugs}}

ReginaR

Thanks Now if I just have enough Energy to get around the track!

Next Year Oaks 137th will be you Robin !  

Hugs to all of my Jan Friends! Gina

bookart

Congrats, Gina; also, hang in there, you will get your energy back, slowly but SURELY.  So I know you will be great at the Kentucky Oaks walk!

bcincolorado

Gina:  Congrats to being able to get back to your important work!  I know the energy level will slowly increase as you heal.

Happy Easter and Passover to everyone!

Anonymous

Gina congratulations on the walk.  You deserve it.  And Robin thanks for sharing that with us.  It is always so good to hear the good, positive stories.

Laura I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  That must have been so difficult. It brought tears to my eyes when I read about you describing him and the precious 17 years you had with him.  It sounds like although you cared for and took care of him when he was here, now he is taking care of you.  He is helping you to get through this by showing you in his strength and bright spirit.  What a wonderful gift.

I just returned from having a wonderful Easter brunch with my family, parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws, neices, nephews etc.  This was our first family gathering since my BMX. So although I quitely tried to pretend everything is fine, normal and like any other family gathering, it is not.  Nor do I think it ever will be.  So much has changed for me in ways that I don't think anybody but you ladies could really understand.  Sure I wore the prothestics and everything appears normal to the average person, but nothing is normal any longer.

Well I just wanted to wish the January team a very Happy Easter.

I am thinking of you Faith.  Hope you are doing ok. It sounds like Saint was a really good friend to you.

Cathy

burley

Happy Easter to everyone!  I hope everyone is able to enjoy the day with family and friends.

Mellow day here-my 10 year old daughter decided she doesn't believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus anymore.  Sigh.  Less work for me, but it was always kind of fun sneaking around.

AND!  drum roll please...I found out yesterday that I'm inheriting $90,000!  No joke!  It should be here sometime between now and June after my uncle's estate is settled.  What a blessing.  It will all go to the IRS for back business taxes and current personal taxes, but that's o.k.  Amazing, huh?

I guess the year isn't turning out so bad after all.  What a huge relief this will be for us.  God is good!

jizogarden

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HAPPY EASTER 

Thank you Cathy, Mayra, Lyn and all for so much kindness...

Wishing everyone had a warm spring day today  

Laura 

pbebow

Cathy,

So, glad to hear that you had a nice day... but sorry to hear that it felt, off, or not normal.  I know that it is harder for some then others to get used to the new normal.  I pretty much feel normal most of the time, other than the rocks in my chest...  I occassionally forget about them but then am quickly reminded of them by weird things... like going to hug my daughter and bopping her head into one of them!  haha! LOL!  She always laughs.  Can't wait until they are soft and squishy again, so that I can hug my kids and cuddle with them without hurting them!  haha!  Every time I get a fill my PS warns me "Now, remember, you can hurt someone with these things!"  He always says it with a laugh.  

We spent the day with my in-laws... the only joy was that my son and his family came too so I got hold my precious grandson all day.  My MIL & FIL are okay, althought my FIL is a little dimwitted and drives me nuts sometimes with his stupidity... but my Sister in law is the one that usually ruins my day for me.  I can be in the room with her for 2 minutes and she annoys me.  And since my dx it has gotten worse.  Like yesterday, she comes up to me and says in this really serious, curious voice, "So, how are your breast implants?"  It so floored me, most people just say, "so, how are you doing?  Everything going okay with your fills?"  But no, not her, she always has to put the word Breast in everything she says to me.  It's really weird.  I told her that I don't have my implants yet, that I have to have another surgery for those, and that totally confused her.  I know that she meant my TE's, but she just annoys me, so I didn't feel like explaining the difference to her.  When I first got my dx she sent me a card that said "I'm sorry to hear about your breast exam"!  WTS!!  She's an idiot.  Before she left yesterday, she said "I'm glad your breasts are doing okay"... I refrained from telling her that I no longer had breasts, I just looked at her and walked away.  Some people really are idiots!  Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to vent!

Have a great day!

Paula

jizogarden

Morning all,

Hope your weekend went well....reading your post Paula, I guess I should be happy I have no family near by  

Congratulations Kim!!!!!!!!!!!! What a great gift!!! Nothing feels quite like getting a leg-up on debt and dreams

Congratulations on your walk Gina....a nice honor, well deserved  

Andrew and I spent all weekend working in the garden.....cleaning up the winter leaves that have lined the dormant flower beds and planting some early perennials.  The weather here in NY has been like a dream...beautiful and warm.  It's the first real garden work I've managed since my dmx. I had to do less than I would usually do but it still felt good to be out in the sun with dirt under my nails.  I almost forgot about my TE's for a happy moment.

Hope you all are having a some lovely spring weather to warm your shoulders and give you some comfort and healing.  

Strength to all,

Laura 

binga

Good morning  Jan gals,

Hope everyone had a Happy Easter.  We had beautiful weather.  We had two great church services yesterday and although I have had some rough times I love being reminded still of just how blessed I am in life in general. I went to my family's Easter lunch and we had a big hunt even though the youngest was 24.  My mom and aunt still get a kick out of it and since all the little kids were either at in-laws or out of town we still did the Easter eggs and it was kinda fun.  They had corny prizes and everything! 

Paula- I hear you on the sister-in-law thing.  Sometimes I really just have to bite my tongue when she is around but since she is the mom of my young niece and nephew I try to hold it in.  She is on the large size (body and breasts) and really that is the only thing that she has even said about my whole ordeal was telling my brother, while I was on the phone with him, that at least now I can get some boobs since I have always been small.  I really wanted to scream back how it's not worth having cancer and I have always preferred my size boobs over hers any day but it just ain't worth it.  We had it out one good time a few years ago and generally have a mutual relationship of I can be around you but I don't have to like you.  I feel for you.

Two weeks away from my exchange and I am counting the days! Hope everyone has a great day.   

Becky 

pbebow

Becky, I know, it isn't worth it most times, because for me, she is too stupid to even realize when I make digs at her and it just upsets my mother in law and husband, so mostly I try to hold it in.  Then I fantacize later about what I wanted to say!  I know what you mean about people thinking getting bigger boobs makes it all worth while.  I have a friend that I used to dream about getting boob jobs with, we both kept saying we wanted to get one, so when she found out that I had BC she was like "You are so lucky, now you get a boob job" I kept telling her that it isn't the same thing.  That my breasts will never look totally real and there is no feeling in them now and that they won't be as nice as a real "boob job", but she just doesn't get it.  I almost felt like whipping my shirt up and showing her my scars and TE's so she can see just how not cool it is, but again, I just let it go and let her think it's cool... sigh....  I guess I really don't want her or anyone else to really "get it" because if they do really "get it" that means they've experienced it first hand and I don't wish that on anyone.  So, I come here because you all "get it" and I can deal with the other people, and most of the time I just go along with them and act all happy with getting my boob job, and go and buy a Hooter's tank top and show off these bad girls! And be happy that I am ALIVE and cancer free!!!!!

Happy day!

Paula

burley

OWWW!  Fill today...my skin feels like it's going to split open.  Came right home and took a pain pill  I keep bumping into them since they're sitting into my armpits.  I have a wide breast bone (sternum?) so they sit far apart too.  She's going to try to get them closer together with the implants, but they'll still be farther apart than most women's breasts.  Getting closer to a C!

pbebow

Try stretching and a warm shower!  and maybe if someone can give you a massage on your shoulder blades upper back area....  but mostly repeat after me "This too shall pass"!!!

robinlbe

What is it with SIL's???    I have two really great ones (my husband's sister and the wife of his one brother), but my brother's wife...oh wow.  When she found out I had cancer, her only response was, "what is it with your family and cancer???"  Then she freaked out for her own two daughters!!!!!    My other sisters-in-law (the ones mentioned above) have been loving and supportive all along......(I have another sister-in-law, too ....wife to my husband's other brother, but haven't heard a single thing from her...on well...she's the one -that when she found out that my dad had cancer - asked me if he was going to make it....ha!)

sigh....

Glad that warm showers help you all!  Do you know that warm showers make me feel tighter now???  Isn't that odd?  Warm showers used to make me feel better, but they haven't in the last month....it's as if my chest shrinks three sizes. 

This is going to sound really silly, but I would love to feel what your TE's feel like....I can't imagine how hard they must feel.  I'd let you feel my bumpy, lumpy flat chest ...<grin>

blessings...robin

frosty1

Gotta love that fixation on breasts.  It is like she is totally depersonalizing the whole experience.  I agree -- what an idiot!  I did have a day at a store the other day when I noticed how overly large breasted all the women were.  And I don't mean just large, but LARGE.  I mentioned it to my DD and she just looked at me.  I told her it was because I was now a uniboober that I notice these things. 

I'm HAIRLESS!  OMG.  My hair has been slowly drifting away, kind of like a dog or cat shedding.  Then this morning in the shower both hands came away full of hair.  And more chunks on my shoulders.  And it kept coming off and coming off.  The whole top of my head came off, down to just over my ears.  It was rather shocking.  I came home and buzzed the back and sides.  Now my scalp just hurts.  And it is cold!

Best to all my January sisters!

pbebow

Oh Frosty, I am so sorry, can't imagine what that must be like....  I guess at least it is getting warmer, so you shouldn't be cold for long, but then you'll need sunscreen. hmmm, was that insensitive, I'm sorry, always trying to make jokes.  I love what you said about noticing the large breasted women.  I told my husband when we were at Great Wolf Lodge (indoor water park) that I hope all of the ladies didn't notice me staring at their breasts!  I was just noticing all of the different shapes and sizes and he was like "I know, me too, I used to just think they're either big or small, but now it's like there are so many different sizes and shapes".  It's funny, your whole perspective changes when you go through this.

Robin, if you were close I'd let you feel my TE, it really is amazing in a hard sort of way.  I am actually surprised that none of my friends or family have asked to see or touch.  My sister kind of poked at it one night and was shocked at how hard it was, but no one else has besides my DH and kids.  Wierd...  Anyway, about your tightness, and I'm sure this is a stupid question, but have you talked to your doctor about it?  It just seems like you shouldn't have so much tightness anymore, mine is sooo much better even with the TE's, it's like my skin finally just gave in.  Or maybe I'm just used the feeling, IDK...  Maybe some physical therapy or a massage therapist would be beneficial to you.  Have you talked to your doctor about either of those?  I know that after I started having weekly massages is when my fills stopped hurting so badly.  Worth a shot, and heck, who doesn't want a massage!  right?

Night ladies!

Paula

jizogarden

I have my exchange date!!!! April 26th  Yippeeee Squishees coming soon

I will not be missing these coconuts on my chest! I am officially finished with fills

Frosty my heart breaks hearing about your hair.....it must be so hard when it happens. I hope you grow back the most beautiful hair when you have gotten to the other side of all your treatments.

Strength and healing,

Laura 

Lynbob

 Mornin' glories {{hugs}}

I hope this beautiful April day is blessing to everyone no matter where you are or what you are doing. Big hugs for all who are struggling emotionally, going through treatments, suffering with set backs and side effects. My prayers are with all of my January sisters. {{hugs}}

Brenda, I bet you are fierce, beautiful, courageous, bald woman!

 

Tomorrow (Wednesday April 7) is my exchange surgery. It doesn't feel real that it is here already but I did all the pre op testing last week and spent the morning off and on the phone with the surgery center discussing my latex allergy. They were wanting to cancel the surgery and move it to the hospital. This of course would mean rescheduling, waiting for an OR opening and screwing up my time off work I have already put in for. I don't understand this because they knew back in early March about the latex allergy, so frustrating. Finally they agreed to do the surgery so I am on for tomorrow. Phew!

jizogarden

Lyn wishes of a perfect day for you tomorrow

Strength and healing on your big day,

Laura 

ariesrottie

Lyn- Congrats on your exchange and you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.... I am excited for you... Please lets us know how it goes.... Strength and Courage...

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Donna

sunsnow

Lyn: Sending you wishes for smooth sailing tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to hearing your report when you feel up to it. Drink plenty of water today and remember to breathe!!

Maura