All Alone Husband divorcing me please help.

kbram

Cinde.......you ok?

Meece

Calling, Cinde....

Let us know how you are doing, please????

Twinmom77

You've gotten so much better advice than I could ever offer, but I just wanted to say you're not alone.  My husband went to the divorce lawyer on the day of my third chemo.  Couldn't be bothered to take off work to take his wife to tx, couldn't be bothered to take off work to take care of his three year old twin boys, but he sure got out of work fast to go see a lawyer and have papers drawn up.  I, too, am stuck with him in the house because he's agreed to hold off for my health insurance reasons (he thinks he's a big man for stepping up to the plate on that one - whatever) and he won't move out. I'm lucky I guess, that he's not ever cheated on me, but I live for the day when he's out of my life and hope that he'll disappear from my children's lives as well before they learn to be emotionally abusive too.

Hang in there!  If we can get through cancer the rest is easy!  The Louise Hay books have helped me immensely.  They've made me see I am worth so much more, that I can do and have anything I want, that I'm not a victim, that I deserve the best of everything in life.  You may want to check her out - any of her books are great.

Stay strong!  You can do it!

Merilee

Bump for Cinde

Lindissima

Cinde,

Hope you will get back in touch and let us know how you are.

Running_Violet

It looks like you've received a ton of good practical advice so let me just add that one day you will emerge from anger and grief and realize that the best is yet to come!  In the meantime, count me in with the other women who are here to support you

amoccia53160

Cinde, You can do this girl!!  Look at it as a new start in life.  Yes it is hard and hurtful.  You will have many emotions to go thru.  I would not leave the house for financial reasons.  It may be looked at as abandonment.  I would make sure I got my half of the money for the house.  You need that money...do not leave and jeapordize it.  Spend your free time looking for a place and taking care of business.  Get your finances in order, pay down debt and start saving.  Let him pay for the lawyer if he wants a dicorce so badly.  Can you tell I have been through this?  I was left with 3 children under the age of 9.  I only worked part time and was BROKE!!  Thank God for family and my church helping me or I never would have made it.  I began to work full time and things got alittle easier.  That was 12 years ago and boy how my lifw has improved without him.  Why would you want to love a man who treates you so poorly?  Yes it hurts but trust me, you will be bettet off alone without the abuse.  You can do this. God bless you.  xxoo Annette

iamh

Hello,

I just found this site, I typed in a question and your post came up so I signed-up.

It's been months since you wrote this and I am wondering how you are doing. I understand the heartache you must feel. I wish you that you feel happiness again soon.  I've been told I have cancer and have waited weeks, tests and do not expect an answer to how long? what kind? how bad? etc. until the 15th of this month. I've cried more hours of each day than not. I am alone also. My husband left me after 21 years (that was three years ago). I have been hoping that somehow I could meet someone and start a new life. I am almost 49. Now that I've been told I have BC how does anyone find love? This is the most difficult thing for me. I was not ready to give up on finding a partner/companion and now........... hopeless. Will someone tell us something that will give us hope? Is there anything to say?

dreaming

I have a similar experience, he spoke about quality of life and that I did not have cancer, this way I would not have treatments, he went as far as leaving his job as an Executive with Exxon, this way I lost my medical insurance,but I got a job; I said amen to all, borrowed money got 2 lawyers,I was married 25 years,I lost the house, I won a large judgment in my divorce, had a trial, he refused everything, I found out there was a married woman involved, I called her and told her she was welcome to him, called the husband that did not have an idea and even had met my ex,I also sued her in her State ,won, it really helped my treatment, I could not think about cancer, I also won a judgment against her, she had to return every gift and monies spent on her, she lost her job,husband and my idiot ex, I was devastated with the betrayal I had met him at 17. never dated anybody else.

I and believe that when a door closes  many windows open.

I have a fantastic career,,my kids,our friends. The idiot has a judgment on his head,nobody wants to have anything with him.

You have to stand for yourself and get a lawyer that looks for you. My ex cleaned our accounts to prevent me to get lawyers, I would not accept nobody to step on my dignity,no matter how much I love him. Also I got his retirement and will get part of his SS.

Char2010

Cinde,

Tell us how you are doing?

 Char2010

angelsabove

DIDDO to all Lexilove said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

kcshreve

Cinde, Just read your thread. Hoping all is going well.  Please post.

Jack55ok

Dear Cindy and all other girls who have been betrayed,

I too was betrayed by my husband of 23 years. I had no idea that during my treatments he was out looking to fool around. As I lay sick from chemo he was having his fun. I had NO IDEA at all. I think I was too caught up in a chemo cloud just struggling to get thru it all. My devestation was beyond belief, I could not wrap my head around the fact that he could do this to me. He stayed in the home for about a year after until I finally told him he had to go. He has been gone for a year now and I am slowly getting better. I keep a journal of my progress, when I read back to when he first left until now I realize that I am so much better. My church offered a "divorce seperation care" class and that was a big help. Lot of places offer this class. It did not help that I lost all self esteem due to the hair loss and leather like skin. He rarely looked at me and never ONCE tried to touch me thru it all. I still struggle with low self esteem thanks to him, I am hoping that I will get better with that one day. I have learned to live without him and you will too, we deserve more. God belss you dear and stay strong and keep faith. 

dreaming

It was the best that happened, it is true when a door opens...... I never look back,it is his loss,I have a juicy judgment that will never get, but neither can he buy nothing that I can take or my heirs , I love not to have any responsibilities, my kids are adults,never lived alone,I love it, I kept all the friends and he is in a black list for business contacts. Love my work and it is liberating to just think and pamper ME!

I believe he helped me cope with cancer, I was too busy with my 2 lawyers and angry to think I had cancer, I am freeeeeeee!

BeenThereGuy

Cinde, and all other women,

 I'm the breast cancer husband. When my wife was first diagnosed I was probably as shocked as her, and certainly more confused about what to do. A colleague recommended Marc Silver's book, which I read and was shocked about his data on how some husbands (certainly more than a few) reacted. My wife had a mastectomy and chemo. Nowadays, as in my wife's case, you might be home within two hours after surgery, meaning the guy is the prime caregiver. I was scared to death, draining the fluid bag, bathing her (afraid I might do something to hurt her), making food, cleaning house, bucking up the daughters...I also went to the first two chemo sessions. Then she asked if I'd be offended if she had one of her best girlfriends go instead of me; I was a little offended but said no. I eventually had to shave her head, even more difficult than the post-surgery care. I am not bragging, nor looking for sympathy. I'm only trying to say that there are good men who don't define or identify with their wives or female friends as having two natural humps to make sweaters look better. On the other hand it is enormously difficult for the guy. Having sex with yourself becomes old very quickly. Many times I wished for a female friend who might have lent a hand, so to speak. But the idea of not supporting, let alone leaving or abandoning, one's wife because she gets sick may be the wimpiest, least manly thing I can imagine. Yep, the questions are, what about in sickness and in health, for better or for worse? So while I'm sure discovering you've married a turd at such a difficult time is terrible, you should also recognize there are good guys out here too. I'm also pretty sure you don't need to marry one to have one as a good, loyal, long-term friend. All the best to all you tough women. J

fire

I'm wondering, how is Cindy doing?

I hope she is good.

3jaysmom

cinde,don't you dare leave thus site, while you're going thru all this.. i've gotten so much support from these ladies, that i've never even met.. you said "have a good Christmas at the end, please stay here and let us all support you! Also, you've gotten great advise lawyer, roomate, etc.  I'm going to chime in.. with, get your dog certified as a service dog..then, if your house sells, or if you find it's not where you want to stay, there will be no question about your dog. i got my chiuahua certified thru SARA; which is the fed. agency that approves them. with your cancer, you should be approved, nio problem. put her down as needed for compainonship; your dr. can help with a note. mine watches me carefully, and knows when i'm off.. PM me if you gret this. i will have info for you then.   Light and love,    3jaysmom

dreaming

Personally ,even that it was painful and at that time seems to me worse than cancer, I am glad I divorced my husband of 25 years in the middle of my chemo, He was perfect till I got sick, then he would sit and sulk, I cook and cleaned  all during my treatments.

I do not want anybody that stays with me because they feel sorry,or complains that sex is not the same. I rather be alone.

I am happy, free, independent,do not have to look after nobody except # 1, that is me, my kids are adults and loving. 

The rat is alone and sick, he lost his family ,friends even work contacts.

Medigal

Cinde what you have on your side is that, IMO, most men are STUPID!  You are already having to live without him and he has abandoned you in your time of need.  I agree with the advice you already have been given to take his selfish butt to court!  HE abandoned you in one of the most frightening times in your life.  You don't just have the flu, you have bc!!  I think a good lawyer could get such grounds on him that you will get the house and also be able to garnish his wages for support.  I would fix his butt so that he did not have one penny left to spend on his so called "girl friend".   He seems to be betting on the fact that you are too weak with your illness to battle him but the lawyer will do that for you.  Don't let him get away from abandoning you in your time of need!  Best of luck to you!

Fearless_One

I have never married, but I read that 50% of men leave their wives during or shortly after their BC treatment.   Makes me never want to marry. 

Cinde, he sounds like a lazy bum, anyways....is his gf going to support him?   How long has he not worked?

lago

I am shocked at how common this is. I just found out this gal I graduated high school with when through this during her diagnosis/treatment. She was married to a batterer. Her divorce was finalized just yesterday. It took longer than it should have because of him (and his need to control). She's 48 with 2 kids now working 3 jobs. She is so much happier to be rid of her ex. She feels like she's living again.

imbell

Aside fom the emotional the big thung I learned is that a person waits till they can't take it anymore and everything collapses around them and other people are making decisions rather than make some decisions to save themselves. They lose a lot, Talk to someone legal.or counsellor. Does your company have insurance for counselling, low cost lega help. Hugs and take care.

SheChirple

Beenthereguy:  if you are still out there....you are an inspiration.  It also helps us women to remember that our husbands are going through this too.  I pledge to do my best to remember HIM in this.  Thank you.

Kaara

I would wait until he went out on one of his "date nights" and have the locksmith over to change the locks on the doors.  He could pick up his clothes in boxes on the driveway the next day!  Of course, you probably need to run this by an attorney, but I think with you having had cancer and now having to deal with this, your mental anguish would be enough for any judge to rule in your favor that you get to live in the house without this jerk coming in and out as he pleases.  He can find another place to live until the home is sold...like move in with his girl friend...let her start supporting his sorry a$$!  Florida is an equitable distribution state which means that all assets are equally divided between the parties, so unless you can buy out his half of the home, it will probably have to be sold eventually, but you can still live there during that time.

I am so sorry you have to go through this during such a difficult time in your life, but you are well rid of this loser.  You will look back on this as one of the best things that ever happened to you...getting this guy out of your life!  Remember, karma's a bitch, and his day is coming. 

cb451

I found good company in this forum: I discovered during radiation therapy that my husband of 23 yrs was stepping out on me.  But the dalliance I discovered was just the tip of the iceberg.  Turns out he was NEVER faithful to me; in fact, he's a compulsive womanizer.  Or sexaholic, because his "casual encounters" involved women, couples, groups . . . too many people for him to remember.  We're in therapy and attend support groups.  He wants to make it work but I'm not at all convinced staying married is possible, let alone desireable.  I've gone through so much grief and agony that I forget that I had cancer!  We have children, so the decisions I have to make have to account for their best interests, too.  This has literally been the worst year of my life.

shokk

Cinde you had no idea your husband was being unfaithful?.........

I think the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.........and the second thing do understand that this really has nothing to do with you........

and please don't misunderstand me........yes it has everything to do with you concerning your life is now in free fall and besides the cancer dx a husband that you have now accepted cannot be trusted......

You said in your original post that your husband wants a divorce.........and in your last post you said your husband wants to make it work.........

 You can go to all the support groups in Florida it is not going to change your husband's behavior.......the worse thing you can do is try and pretend that he really wants to change anymore then how dangerous it is to pretend that you don't have breast cancer.......

your husband is exhibiting all the signs of sexual addiction...........and of all the addictions it is one of the worse in controlling........

for most people that suffer from sexual addiction very rarely do they ever get it under complete control.........

first of all you need to be sure and be checked for all std's.......pronto.........

second of all never have sex with your husband without protection......

third you are going to have to decide if you are going to be willing to live with your husband for the sake of your children.......there are many things to consider such as how close they are to him.....how much time does he spend with them, etc........

emotionally you have got to make a decision............if you decide to maintain your marriage until you are stronger or until the kids are older be sure and not say bad things about your children's dad etc......don't think for one minute that you will be able to control your husband through guilt........

I know that you will think this next sentence is stupid but your husband feels bad enough about it already.........he already knows that he is a heel..........and in the process of destroying his marriage and his children.....no one will come out of this situation in tack......... but he believes he has no control which may or may not be true..........

I know you have had treatment and not sure how far out from radiation you are so I know you have no energy but one thing many people that have spouses that are sexual addicts to consider the finances.........

to be a sexual addict like almost all addictions are very expensive.......you need to try and find out what your husband is spending.........one of the best ways is to request a credit report.......if he has any secret credit cards or bank accounts almost all things will show up........also look for charges on credit cards that are for things or places you don't recognize......many call girls agencies will take major credit cards but use unassuming names like Sally's Flowers.....etc....you may need to decide regardless of your current life that it is going to be in your best interest to divorce.........before he bankrupts you.........and the kids......

Ok the last thing I am going to say..........and I want you to remember this...........I want you to understand your husbands addiction........

It really has nothing to do with the actual sexual act in and of itself........in fact in interviewing most sex addicts they will tell you that the actual sex act is "disappointing"......that is because they are not addicted to the actual act itself but the ANTICIPATION of the act .......sexual addiction is the high these people get in setting up the rondevu and the rush they get in thinking about the act.......when they carry out these acts they never live up to what they believed in their mind it would be......then they are disappointed.......the guilt sets in for the people that actually love them......and the money it costs them......and that rush of endorphins is gone.......

 it is just like people that are addicted to "falling in love".........those butterflies in the stomach.....waiting for that phone call......that rush of endorphins in seeing your love from ac cross the room.........but that "new " love fades.......so you may have a friend or a sister that has relationships that last for a few months but then there always ends up being something "wrong" with the new boyfriend........which is true.....the newness has worn off..........

Cinde I am so sorry that this is so long.........and I am not sure you are going to believe me or not but you can survive this........I am not sure your marriage can.........but you yourself can.......and I know this is going to sound harsh but you need to let go of your husband emotionally........and remember hating him is not any different then loving him.......when I say let go of your husband emotionally is let go of your love and hate......he is flawed.........not saying it is anyone's fault.....this behavior has been going on I would imagine for most of his life.......but your children are going to need you like they never have and on top of it your are dealing with cancer.......but it is time for you to put on your big girls panties.........dust yourself off and figure out where you stand.....mostly financially........remember knowledge is power......

good luck.......I will keep you and your children in my prayers.......

shokk

cb451

Shokk, thank you for your long and thoughtful message.  Please know that I am not Cinde.

I have been living with this reality since July.  I know more about sex addiction and codependence than I ever imagined, having read extensively on the topic since discovery and immersed in expensive, specialized therapy and 12 Step support groups.  There is no need to gentley nudge me into self-examination; I am already there!  And yes, all my physicians know of our situation so I have been tested.

I reached out on the board because I am not simply the codependent wife of a sex addict; I am also a cancer survivor.  I will have to live with both realities for the rest of my life.  (In fact I often wonder if my cancer wasn't a manifestation of the rot in my marriage.)  I chose this forum with hopes of connecting with other survivors whose siginificant relationships exploded during treatment.   Sexual addiction is not something that can be discussed with friends, ergo my anonimity. The stress, grief, and anger have been unimaginable.

shokk

(((cb))).........just want you to know that I am keeping you in my prayers......

 and like many addictions sexual addiction is a very private and humiliating world to be involved in......

I do hope you seek and it sounds like you have support groups not for you and your husband but for you.......there are thousands of other spouses out there that feel lost and alone in trying to deal with their spouse's issues...........

I know that you feel like the stress from dealing with this situation may be at the root of your breast cancer.........I felt the same way at one time......now I come from the camp of genetics as far as our breast cancer is concern but that really is not important.........the fact is your husband has a sexual addiction and you have a spouse that you cannot rely on for your own issues in dealing with breast cancer.........

one thing about addicts and very much so for sexual addiction is that the addicts thoughts are never about their significant others or their children or any of their family including parents, brothers, sisters, etc.......

 but I want you to remember one thing as your trudge on this horrible journey that there was something in you that your husband saw that he thought you had the power to save him whenever you two were courting..........sexual addicts really want to be saved from themselves and reach out to people that they consider strong or very intelligent or very nurturing........whatever your husband saw in you you still posses........that strength, intelligence, that caring personality you need to direct inward and save yourself and in the process save the children........

and I want you to remember something else........this is not your fault in anyway shape or form......many spouses believe that if they had been prettier or thinner or more sexual adventurous that their spouse would not need these out side activities.........

that could not be further from the truth.......your husbands behavior started in childhood......probably just before puberty........ and more then likely he has been acting out since then.........

you take care........I am going to assume that you know that there are support groups for spouses of sexual addicts........that can be of tremendous help.......to know that you are not alone in dealing with this behavior........and you never can tell there may also be a breast cancer survivor in that group as well.......because you have been dealt a double whammy......

cb you take care.........

shokk

pinkribbon56

Cinde,

I believe you posted your board in 2009, and by now, I pray that you divorced that idiot that you married.  Hopefully, you have forgotten what he meant to you in the past, as my husband now is doing the same thing to me.  I have been married for 35 years with one 19-year old daughter.  My husband was not supportive at all during my treatments and I opted for a double mastectomy in December 2008.  I had lobular breast cancer and usually only about 20% of BC is lobular, mostly  ductal.  Lobular flares out like small sparklers and what was supposed to be just a lumpectomy with radiation, ended up being a total mastectomy with chemo and radiation.  My husband did not go to any treatments with me, and just recently, I found out he has been having an affair with a woman 13 years younger for at least 8 months and what do you know, she has big breasts and they are real!!!.  You see, at first I was shocked, hurt and then very angry!!!  Then I realized that if my husband was so shallow and selfish to think only my breasts made me the person I was before my surgery, than who needs someone like that.  Our husbands will have their day, as who knows what dreaded disease may come their way, and I hope they are treated just as badly as they treated us.  We need people in our lives that love us for the people we are, not for who they want us to be.   Do you know that after my mastectomies, the man would not even hug me let alone have relations with me.  I would say in 3 years time, we probably had relations maybe 4 times.  I knew it was because of my mutilated chest, but he would never admit it.  When I confronted him with his affair, the first thing he said was "it's not what you think".  I knew he was guilty of having sex with her but didn't want to admit how disgusting a person he was.  He fell in love with someone with "real" breasts and did not care that I had given him 35 years of my life and he tossed me away like I was some rag. 

Well my dear, you are still a young person and deserve much more in life than your thoughtless, selfish husband gave you.  I'm sure that one day, you will meet someone that will love you, truly love you, "warts" and all.  I believe we both married "losers" and they deserve to be given the same treatment they gave us.  Who knows there's always Karma, right?

Chickadee

Cinde hasn't posted since 2010. Wishing the best for her