All Alone Husband divorcing me please help.

Meece

Go get 'em, Tiger!!!!

Yazmin

Go, Cinde, go. I agree with all these ladies: First, separate your funds from his. Second: GET A LAWYER. And come back soon to let us know......

Lindissima

Yay, Cinde!!! You've got fire in the belly now.

If you can afford it, get a good, KILLER lawyer.  Your husband isn't working, he's counting on that half equity from your house, and so is his new girlfiend.  That's why he wants a quick, easy divorce and to get you out of your own home when you are going through treatment to get half of the equity (or more) for himself. 

Discontinue all financial support to this guy, get your own bank account and move as much out of joint accounts as you can.

This man has no conscience and no heart. I know it's terriblely hurtful and disappointing to learn that, but you will get over it.  You will find someone much better when this is over. We are all rooting for you, Cinde.

edited for typos. 

pip57

This is the time that you are going to find out just how strong you are.  Please don't do anything without thought and legal advice.  Hopefully you can legally kick his butt out the door and down the driveway!!

Merilee

Standing ovation for Cinde Please!

manos

Cinde, Go get him.. What a lousy piece of work. Like everyone says stay and lawyer up. Bless you and stay strong. You have so much support here.

cka0706

Hi Cinde,

My heart goes out to you. My ex cheated on me while I was pregnant. Bastard. He did everything he could to ruin me financially and emotionally but I prevailed. Let me tell you that anger can be a very powerful and energizing emotion. Once I got angry and decided that I was not going to let the bastard get the better of me, I was strong enough to fight. That really pissed him off! He basically wanted everything -- house, savings, even the baby! He just wanted me to go away and let him have his life without me. He was nasty and underhanded. I believe he had a separate account for many years so I didn't get all the money I was entitled to, but hey, I got away from the guy. 

There's TONS of good advice here -- DON'T move out of the house; see a lawyer PRONTO; make sure your funds are secure from your "husband"; and keep any information you have -- phone records, receipts, photos, emails -- in a safe deposit box and stash them (mine came in handy many years later!). If you're not happy with the lawyer GET A NEW ONE (so DON'T give a retainer until you're really sure). You will probably want to get a legal separation as soon as possible just to protect yourself. I went to one lawyer who thought my ex was "a decent guy" (???) and was more interested in protecting him than me!

DO NOT let him rush you into a "quickie divorce". He's the only one who will benefit. 

As they say in other posts: "FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!" We're here for you!

Carolyn

Sue-61

Cinde, what wonderful and supportive advice you are getting here on this site. I have nothing to add. Just know that you need a lawyer and if the house is paid for free and clear, KEEP IT.  I think if he screwed you, you get to keep the house.  He really deserves nothing. I feel for you. I think I have seen too many men go crazy when the going gets tough. And I have seen lots of men with their mid life crises. I am a widow and I took care of my very ill husband and often wonder how he would have reacted when I was dx. I find a lot of men are very selfish and immature. Peter Pan syndrome.

Take care of yourself, Sue 

Bren-2007

Morning Cinde,

   I don't know the laws in FL, but in CA everything is 50/50 .. and what surprised me the most, is that the courts don't care about who did what to whom.  They work with numbers.  You'll need to fill out all kinds of financial info on the separation papers.  That's why I opened up a separate bank account first, to ensure I had money to live on until the papers were filed. 

   CA is a no-fault state.  You can check on-line to see what the laws are in FL.  My ex was a lawyer and didn't want to hire one, even though he didn't practice family law.  A dear friend always said to me "Secure your security".  During that time of betrayal and hurt, it was hard to wrap my head around that, but I went through the motions and did it anyway .. crying all the way.

Take care .. big bear hug for you,

Bren

kbram

Cinde,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  How much are you supposed to endure?  If your home is paid for, DO NOT leave or SELL it!!  Your husband is the one pushing for the change in the marriage, so let him make the changes by leaving.  Many divorces happen all the time and the wife and mother stays in the home.  Why should you be any different, particlarly if your home is debt free??  At some other time, at your choosing, the home can be sold and the proceeds divided then. 

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and let us know how you are doing.  You will get thru this, I know it!!

Hugs,  Kathy

cka0706

Cinde,

Here is a helpful link: http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorclaws/florida.shtm

It sounds like Florida laws will work in your favor -- it is an "equitable distribution state" ("fair rather than equal."). It also says "the court may consider the adultery of either spouse and the circumstances thereof in determining the amount of alimony, if any, to be awarded." Make sure you get a lawyer who agrees with the law, not a lawyer who wants things to be "simple." This is one time when spending the money on a good attorney will pay off for you (though money is not the sole indicator of an attorney's ability.)

Gather your facts, papers, anything you can get your hands on to prove this. At this time, it helps to be as objective and thorough as possible.

Good luck.

Carolyn

AnnNYC

Cinde, sounds like you're feeling better!  I agree that anger can be a strong, energetic force!

I just wanted to clarify, since I mentioned "divorce mediation", that I don't recommend it for everyone!  Given what Carolyn posted just above, about laws in Florida, don't hesitate to get a lawyer who will be a strong advocate for you.

Hugs,

Ann

Meece

Whoohoo.  It looks like you have hit the mother-load, Cinde.  Hope you are feelling better today.  You can walk around with a smirk on your face whenever your ^%# is around, because you now know some things that he doesn't.  Nanny-nanny.

konakat

Good Cinde -- lawyer up and protect yourself.  Don't let him off easy with a do-it-yourself divorce -- he's trying to pull another fast one on you.  Like someone else said -- go get him Tiger! 

NancyD

I will say one thing about him wanting a fast divorce...he may sign anything you put in front of him in order to get it over. My ex also wanted it done the "easy and fast" way. I agreed to an uncontested divorce, but only if MY lawyer drew up the agreement and he signed it without changes. I was fair, but that did not mean things were split equally.

Anyway, he signed, and we were divorced within weeks.

Edited to add: The referral program through your employer might be called something like Employee Assistance Program. I couldn't think of the term when I posted last night.

Sue-61

I was told by a lawyer that a woman should NEVER be the one to leave the home. Also, if someone is paying the mortgage, it should come out of the woman's checking account, not the husband's. I think this goes for all the bills. That way, as you are the one who is working, you might get a bigger piece of the pie.

So unfair what you are going thru! Sue 

mke

Yep, definately get legal advice.  And if you don't want to sell the house there are plenty of ways to delay putting it on the market and even more to discourage buyers once it is on the market.

Naniam

Cindi,  realize how strong you already are.  You were diagnosed with Stage 3 BC, have had chemo and rads.  That takes courage and strength - and you worked too. 

The ladies here have given some good advice - open an account in your name for your checks immediately, move any funds you can that are in joint accounts - clear them if possible.  Do this quickly as I don't want you to find he has already moved money.  Contact an attorney - ask around and get one ASAP.  The law moves slowly sometimes.  Do you have family close by?  You need some support also and I pray that you have that.

It makes me angry that this happens to women - as someone else said what a jerk.  You have traveled some difficult roads for months and you traveled without his support or compassion.  You can do this - just look at him and think "go to h#_%, don't need your sorry butt !! 

Meece

"even more to discourage buyers once it is on the market."  That's a sore spot with me, but it worked.  DH made our house worth over a hundred thousand less by things he did to it before the appraisal.  I was the one who lost out.

Lindissima

Cinde,

A bit more advice:  DOCUMENT as much as you can in writing.  You paid the bills, he was the adulterer during your illness, etc etc.

Good luck! 

spar2

You have got some very sound advice here.  I was one of the dumb ones, my husband had affair after affair and I had a 2 year old and a 6 week old baby when I came in and caught him in our new house we just had built and realized he would never change.  We had been together since we were 14, married at 18 in 1970.  I was so dumb and hurt, I moved out. He put the house up for sale for 5000 more than we built it for so all i got was 2500, never received child support, when I would file charges, he would quit his job and even though the kids are grown now he still will only  work for cash.  When I was 40 I finally found the love of my life.  Please be smarter than me.  Lawyer up fast.  protect you and your child

diana50

Cinde

Fists Up**** we are all here for you....get the Legal Aid...never never give up your home with no mortage.  you have a long future ahead of you....remember that. your life is precious . as i said; Fists up" and be glad you now know this about him.  you can now walk away FROM him.

diana

debbie6122

Cinde- Sounds like your hubby wants to stay there just so it dosnt look like he abandoned you and thats why he is staying, the courts dont like it when there is adultry involved- You should not tbe the one to leave your own home, i would throw his clothes out on the lawn, change the locks and tell him to go live with his girlfriend, he is trying to get as much out of you as he can not even caring what you are going thru, sounds like a real pompus ass to me and he dosnt deserve you, stay strong and make sure he dosnt get a penny, (((((((((((hugsssssssss))))))))))))

moogie

Sometimes getting angry is a powerful medicine: Don;t let his bad behaviour be rewarded. A good lawyer will help you. He does not seem really savvy to me from what you have posted, and being a full frontal heel should work in your favor. You deserve better, and losing him is your opportunity for better. If you muster up your inner MARINE, and go all legal on his ass...he probably won't know what hit him!!! It will be a karmic whack to the forehead he has had coming.

Not everybody can deal with illness. But cruelty is another thing altogether. Don;t let him shorrtchange you

Moogie

musiclovermom

Dear Cinde,

I started reading this thread with the hopes I could help. You have gotten so much advice that I could never have given you. What I can say is that the anger you feel is a good sign you are moving through the stages of grief. I was smiling for you when you posted the anger and crying for you the whole time I was reading your story.

I am living alone after 23 years of marriage. Last week was my 24 wedding anniversary - not very happy. I can say I am a better/stronger person now.

My husband took a job out of state, told me to sell the house, my daughter graduated from HS as I was diagnosed with BC, I had to show the house during many procedures but thankfully some one bought it!

I bought a new house in my own name! I am getting through reconstruction slowly. I live alone, eat alone, sleep alone, and wake up alone. All that being said, I do not worry about his girlfriend - I don't even think about that crap. I will drive myself crazy if I focus on what he does, so all my energy goes into myself and making it through this difficult time in my life.

Last Christmas were were a family, this Christmas I have gained freedom over my life.

The lawyer I talked to told me to practice thinking of myself first. This was very hard. He suggested that I go to the mall and window shop. The purpose was to only think about what I wanted or liked. It sounded stupid to me, but I gave it a try.

As I walked around I saw many things for all the people in my life and even things I would have gotten for my husband. After a while, I realized that I had not singled anything out for myself. This blew me away! I was always putting myself last and forgot what I wanted.

I have not found much that I want or need. BC seems to have put material things into perspective. BUT - I am learning to choose things I like - not what others would like.

I went through empty nest, end of marriage, being basically evicted from my house, and breast cancer diagnosis and surgeries all at the same time and I am glad each one distracted me from focusing too much on one issue. I am thankful that these were not drawn out over 3 years of stress.  I got it under control in a 6 month window.

There is a big picture here and we just do not know what it is. Time will tell and when you look back you will be amazed at how far you have come.

I hope this helps you move forward. I felt like my life was in pause for too long.

Big Hugs!

Kimberly

Sue-61

Kimberly, you are a very wise woman and have offered such wonderful advice. Sue

hlya

This thread makes me feel that there are so many brave women in the world than men.

Lindissima

I agree! 

Thanks to all for sharing your stories.

Anonymous

  Kimberly, That was a very moving email. I think your experience and the fact you now have your life under control is better than any advice we could give.  Have a happy holiday and do something for YOU for Christmas. 

Merilee

How ya doing Cinde?