The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

orangemat

tinkertude - yes, I've used the term "Frankenboobs" too. All those scar lines, why not? Also, "cyborg Barbie", because the implant feels so fake, and way too large.

Do we make self-desparaging comments out of self-loathing? A friend of mine had a BMX and literally jumped at the chance to reshape herself, because she said she hated her boobs (an exact quote). Me, I always liked how I looked, small and serviceable enough, discrete but still there. Now I feel like some misshapen monstrosity. Oh, but I should be so grateful now that I'm cancer-free....

.... needless to say, I'm still having issues...

chabba

orangemat - You might want to check out the forum on here called "I'm bitchy, I moan, I groan....anyway"  It is a good place to vent and talk about issues.

Eema

My PS tried to tell me "I'd get used to them" yesterday.  My implants (which were supposed to be one-step but aren't) have taken shelter in my armpits and are waiting for the marines to lift them out.  Another one I love, "No one can tell  you'd had a BMX unless they look REALLY closely."  Seriously?  That's supposed to make me feel better?  I have a job where I am constantly in the public eye and I'm supposed to be OK with hamburger buns in my armpits?

orangemat

chabba - thanks. I'm barely three months post-op, and just found out I'm going to need a revision procedure. Which means my January marathon (my first!) has to be scrapped. Yeah, I'm not a happy camper in the least.

PLJ

Oh, Eema, you put a serious situation in a funny, light manner...hope your PS relocates the migrating foobs!

Kay_G

Wow, PLJ.  I can't imagine anyone saying that.  Very warm and cuddly indeed.

sas-schatzi

EEma --------you should not have to live with the foobs in the pits. Get a second opinion. in the meantime try a sports bra to keep them centered. Use at night too.

Orangemeat----------She can say what she likes , do it in reverse. Like "cluck you", she will figure it out.

mpeaches

I had a co-worker say to me - So, do you feel guilty that you have breast cancer because you weren't current on your mammograms? 

Yeah, I needed to hear that.  NOT!

lisa-e

mpeaches, your copworker is ignorant.  Mammograms do not prevent breast cancer.

riley702

You're right that mammograms don't prevent BC, but this belief isn't rare. And it makes me nuts! If they would just stop and think about it logically, it should be obvious that mammograms "just" find the BC sooner, which is good, but the belief that mammos prevent BC is just dumb.

GrinAndBearIt

A real witch of a woman who was fitting me for my first wig told me that no matter what wig I buy I am always going to look like a sickly cancer patient and I should get over it!

chabba

I would spell that description with a "b" but that would be an insult to dogs everywhere.

3jaysmom

omg!!sometimes i can't even believe i just heard thet.. i had a hairderesser like her said "when you no longer have (t***and long hair " what will be left? ... it hits home, a lot now. i got my hair back; now am losing it (permanently) from hypo thyroid ( they think chemo caused it ) sometimes, it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning, but the alternatives worse...

 im sending the bus, right now....stupid biatches!!!.............3jays

3jaysmom

always works for me.. now, if we just put it to back up over and over again!!.....3jays

Annicemd

I think we BC sisters all suffer badly from exposure to the idiot mentality. I try not to tell people now for fear of having to listen to the ridiculous comments. Recently I was caught off guard with a so called friend; I was having a dark day and told her so and she said

" Ah well you just have to be positive don't you! When do you get the all clear?"



How ignorant people are about this disease!!

Eema

I WISH I could wear a bra!  Even the sports bras hurt because of the placement of the girls.  Since one points east and the other west, when the bra goes on, they complain A LOT!  I even got one that is three sizes bigger than I am in the 'number', ie, I used to be 34 and I got a 38.  Still hurts.  But hey, I'll get used to them, right?  I'd like to see what these PS's (the male ones) would say if their precious testicles pointed in opposite directions!

I gotta laugh about it, because otherwise I'd cry.  I have to laugh with other BC warriors, because if anyone who had never been down this path said it, I'd come here and get the bus!

PinkShirtNow

I'm new to this thread but I can sympathize with everyone.  I saw an old friend the other day.  She was really freaked out by my BC and spent the whole time talking about how it made HER feel old.  Really?  Then she went on and on about all her friends who have died from BC.  I told her that I actually preferred the survivor-type stories and so she switched topics and told me about her cheating husband on and on and on...  I was exhausted by the end of the conversation.  Next time she calls I think I will be busy that day.

 Have you ever noticed the look on your friends' faces when you tell them about your BC?  Most of the time, there is initial shock and sadness and then you can see in their eyes that they are trying to figure out when they last had a mammogram.  After this happened a frew times, I actually said to one "you are trying to remember when you had your last exam, aren't you?"  She thought I was psychic.  Nope, if I were psychic, I would have caught my BC a lot sooner.

 Hang in there, everyone.  Hugs to all.

NativeMainer

Orengemat--you do have the choice of scheduling the revision surgery AFTER the marathon.  Unlike lumpectomy or mastectomy, timing isn't critical with recon and revisions. 

orangemat

NativeMainer - thanks for asking. Yes, of course I could wait... but I feel like all I've been doing is waiting. My initial surgery was scheduled to accomodate another race I was doing, so that probably set me back a good six weeks into the process to begin with. And honestly, I seriously thought that after I healed from July's surgery, I'd be DONE. I suppose I should've given more weight to the PS's words when he said some tweaking might be necessary... honestly, I think for my peace of mind and sanity, the sooner I get all these procedures behind me, the better. Sure, I'm disappointed about my first marathon, but because that means so much to me, I really would like to do it RIGHT, or not at all (if that makes any sense).

PinkShirtNow (and everyone else, actually), I think the main problem is that, in spite of meaning well (most of the time), other people just don't know how to speak to us. When my husband's work associate lost her husband in a tragic accident at the shore several years back, a grief counselor was brought into the office to teach all the co-workers how to speak to the woman once she would return to work. And what was the one thing that they learned to say to her? "I'm so happy to see you here today!" That's it. Don't ask how she's doing, or if anyone can do anything for her... just state the obvious that it's good to see her that day. Seems like common sense, right? Too bad there isn't a common sense class everyone in the world could take, so that common sense would actually be COMMON.

NativeMainer

orangemat--I hear you about not wanting to wait.  I just wanted to be sure you knew you had the option.  So often people don't realize that they can put off a surgery or procedure because no one tells them that they can and it drives me mad!   Love the common sense "Glad to see you today" approach.  It is too bad that such common sense has become so uncommon. 

AStorm

A guy who works for my client approached me the other day to say how sorry he is that (he just heard) I have cancer and he is praying for me and did I know that there is a special diet that prevents cancer. Don't even know his first name, so I started by asking. Then told him that I am cancer-free and have been for over 2 years. Wasn't sure what to see about the diet thing but was tempted to tell him that the best way to avoid breast cancer is to not have breasts... which I don't but am glad I stopped myself. 

Eema

I looked in my Blackberry and see I have a mammogram scheduled for next week--since I don't have breasts any longer, that's going to be a very short appointment!

Orangemat, I love the, "I'm so glad to see you hear!"  I'm going to use that.  A teacher at my DS's school recently went through something so bitter sweet--her husband of many years went to get a disposable camera because their daughter was having a baby.  He dropped dead at the store.  Three hours later the baby was born.  I've been looking for something to say to her, I think I'll use the "so glad to see you here!"  Thanks!

sas-schatzi

Well to all that thinks" so glad to see you here" versus "I'm so sorry for your loss" regarding someone dying has their head up their analpore---------My Dh and I were dx'd 3 months apart----He died, we were married for 38 years and I not only loved him, I liked him too.------the hell we went through--------no one should have to go through. It took me a clucking year to stop staring at the ceiling. Getting out of bed was a major effort and every time I tried to move forward some frigging calamity struck. That grief counselor may have had years of training, but I question that she has actually experienced grief. It's power is overwhelming. For anyone that has not first acknowledged the death, either at the funeral or by coming to the house should first acknowledge the death. If that has been done then it MAY be appropriate to say "so nice to see you here". I would first say" I care for you and if there is anything I can do in you're returning that will help, I'm here and it's so nice that you are back"". There as been nothing worse since his death were someone effectively blew his death off b/c they didn't know him. WTC

A Storm- If you had BC 2 years ago and a total stranger comes up and offers condolences and then starts talking diet----------Whomever told him breached your rights to privacy under HIPPA-----------Not only are they stupid -they clucking broke the law

 Orangemeat----get a second opinion before you let that sqaushhead touch you again. Foobs falling into the armpits is not the normal outcome of a good implant surgery. 

Sorry for the anger , but Analpores do set me off on a rant

Starak

3Jaysmom:  I thought I would add this little item I found to our arsenal along with the bus.

"Some people just need a kiss.. on the side of the head... with a bat."

Barbara

NativeMainer

I don't think any one statement can fit all circumstances.  "I'm glad to see you here" is good for co-workers who were not especially close.  "I'm sorry for your loss." is good if the situation is one that allows expression of grief (crying, for instance).  I also use "I wish I knew what to say (or what to do) that would fix this."  All these phrases do is open the door of communication by letting the ohter person know that I know they are in a hard place, that I am present and willing to listen or help (or both).  Mostly what we can do is listen, but we have to let the stricken person know we are ready and willing to listen.

orangemat

sas-schatzi, of course "I'm sorry for your loss" is the most important thing to say FIRST. I was unclear with my story. This was advice for how to speak to my husband's co-worker once she returned to work, and in day-to-day matters. There had been mention in other posts about people alienating and even ignoring those who've suffered losses, and that was what I was addressing. It would never be INSTEAD of specific wishes of condolence. I'm sorry if I got you unduly upset with my suggestions.

And.... I am TRULY sorry for your loss, and am so sorry for all the horrors you've experienced. You're absolutely right: I don't know what it feels like and can't even begin to imagine. I'm very new here, as well as new to the feelings of having BC. I've been very matter-of-fact with myself about it for the six months since my DX, because I didn't know how else to be. Only now I'm starting to learn I'm entitled to my feelings. You women here are way more enlightened than I am I've been an idiot to just trudge through whatever I've been experiencing and just pretend nothing life-changing has gone on for me.

I have my consultation with the PS in two weeks, and my husband will be with me for this appointment (for a change). He was only there for the initial ones; I had gone to all the TE fills and subsequent appointments on my own. Pragmatism rules, once again. But yes, we'll see.

Hugs to all.

NativeMainer

Sas--didn't mean to minimize your rant, you are very, very correct.  Acknowledging the death IS hugely important, especially the first time you meet a survivor.  "Glad to see you here" would not be a good way to greet you when you returned to work if the person hadn't acknowledged the death first.  That's why I say that no one statement will fit every circumstance. 

NativeMainer

This doesn't exactly fall into this category, but thought you'd all appreciate it.  I went into Sam's Club to pick up my membership card the other day.  The clerk looks at my driver's licence, looks at me, and says "This picture doesn't look very much like you at all."  Being distracted by car trouble and rental car juggling and other money matters I wasn't monitoring my mouth and came out with "That picture was taken before breast cancer and 4 years of treatment."  The poor lady went dead silent for a moment, then said "I'm sorry.  May I ask if you are OK now?"  I have to give her points for apologizing.  I know she didn't mean anything, and I'm mildly appalled at myself for saying what I did, but it ended well. 

sas-schatzi

Orangemat---------sorry--------Bummer--------hope I didn't hurt you-----I just felt that grief counselor was way off base. ---------Well out of the ballpark.---------Reread her comment multiple times, still don't get how stupid she was.  -----------------------Welcome to BCO. ---------I didn't find BCO until way to much had happened that I could have gotten great advice on.

Please look at all the types of surgery sites that may apply. Also look at Sizing 101----Whippetmom aka Deborah is the Guru for implant sizing and products. Sure wish I'd found her before it was over and done. I trusted my PS to much. If I'd talked or read Deborah's thread, I would have been much better prepared. When it comes to surgery time have all agreed things written on the consent form.

Doc did a 180 degrees difference from what we talked about right up and into the operating room. If it was on the consent form, he couldn't refute what we talked about. He choose to make me the size he thought I should be versus what I asked for. As a result, to correct the differences and problems, I'd have to undergo surgery , may be more than one. I won't risk that b/c I did get through 4(1 more than usual) without and infection.  Good luck.

cooka

I was looking through posts on here (not this particular thread) for support one day and a woman was talking about how she "looked like a lesbian" after tx with her chemo hair and flat chest. I am a lesbian, so this cancer gig must not have changed things for me at all I guess? How lucky am I to be a lesbian with cancer so I can just keep rocking my lesbian style and no one will be the wiser. Annoying and definitely not what I needed that day.