The dumbest things people have said to you/about you

MinnesotaNice

My older sister, referencing a neighbor who had been diagnosed with cancer,"Yeah, well we have kind of a mess here."  After I had finished surgery, chemo, hormone therapy.  Good to know I was no longer a "mess" in her estimation. 

NativeMainer

I stand corrected about cancer insurance.  I was wrong.  I'm sorry I offended anyone.  Please forgive me. 

barbe1958

janey, in my opinion you said EXACTLY what I would have wanted to hear!!! You did good. Short and sincere. I hate when people say 'everything will be okay' because they don't know!!

mrsb45

Nativemainer,

No need to apologize and no offense taken just didn't want others to think it would't help them    BTW, I love this thread because we all can relate to how only people who have walked in our shoes know how certain remarks or comments make us feel. I also got the comment from close friend about nice to be able to get news boobs and a tummy tuck.. I know she was trying to make me feel better but I just replyed that I never wanted new boobs because I always liked mine just fine. I think she got the message!!!

Jen42

mrsb45 - I really hated that comment too -- "well, at least you're getting new boobs out of this." Mine were fine, no improvements needed ! It just made me more upset to know I was giving up something that -- except for having cancer -- I wouldn't have changed in a million years. And certainly wouldn't have gone thru the trauma of surgery for !  AAARGGGHHH !

sas-schatzi

mrsb45---can you get that insurance if you've already had CA?

3 jays--------love the bus, it just seems that some people won't/ don't realize they should stay under there.

Janey I agree with Barbe your words were kind and thoughtful. And even if she wasn't a believer, I would hope she recognized your kindness.

Nm lets face it you always put one foot in the cowcake lol---joking----to an old friend, please no one else take offense at that

riley702

I've got a co-worker like that, too, Nancy. Shortly after coming back to work, I got bronchitis and when this coworker heard my hoarse voice, she exclaimed (loudly, in a crowded room), "What are you sick with now?!?"  Can't stand her.

Madismommy719

LOVE this thread....I'm gonna read a few pages a day to get thru it all.... And I too love the bus!!! Ha ha



Here's my worst thing so far (only been 2 months so far), this was in regards to my reconstruction and finding out I need chemo now too....



Friend of mine: "well at least you get new boobies from all this. Don't get them bigger than (insert his wife's name here) or she'll really be pissed"



Me: "well, it'll be awhile, I just found out I need chemo now too"



Friend: "well, you gotta earn the new hoots somehow"



EXCUSE ME??????

yellowdoglady

Been here before, but just so you know, we can say the nice things and nurture those coming along in our footsteps too.  We can prepare them for the inevitable rudeness and violations that come with being a cancer patient.  I was asked twice this week what that thing was on my arm.  I don't try to explain it much anymore.  I just say it's to keep my arm from swelling.  Is it hot?  Not really.

A friend from high school sent me a note not long ago.  She'd heard I'd had a bout of BC and her young DIL was just diagnosed and the entire family was panicked.  The son and DIL have two precious little ones, and it's a young family.

I sent some advice and a box full of headscarves and night caps and a note filled with hope, saying that these things were good luck for me and I hope they will be for her as well.  So far, so good for her.  We can actually empower others to deflect some of what will visit them as some will always run from disease of any kind, and often they are the same ones who have asked for assistance in the past.

Everyone raise a hand if a friend you'd helped in the past found you inconvenient when you learned you were sick, and has run for the tall timbers.

HAND RAISED!

Maybe this should be its own thread? 

     

Cyborg

Hand Raised.

travelgal6979

Gosh...has every one us gotten the "well, at least you're getting new boobs/boob job out of this" comment?  I got that comment too and I wanted to scream: "after a boob job you don't end up with boobs that are numb and have no nipples!"  The next time somebody says that comment to me, I just may say it.  Not the kind of boob job I would have wanted.   

o2bhealthy

Sadly, hands raised here too...

sas-schatzi

Two Hands raised----------one a freind for 31 years? The other 5 years and she was an ex Ca patient.

barbe1958

My 'best friend' never called after I let her know. Then she called all our mutual friends to have a fund raiser for an old lady in her condo that was diagnosed with cancer!!!!

Wa BAM!!!! Wa BAM!!!!

Double whammy!!

Jen42

Madismom:  "you have to earn the hoots somehow" ???? I cannot believe that came out of ANYONE'S mouth, let alone a friend's ! Bring on the bus, and then stop, reverse, and run back over that person again !

Just_V

I've had the 'boob job' comment too but from a friend with whom I'd been discussing a lot of the issues around this and when he said it, it was 'you might as well'.. not disrespectfully at all... but one of my good work buddies will make comments about how her big boobs are always in the way, and if I choose to go bigger (I was almost an a cup) that the boob would get in the way... whatever...

Then she asked why I chose a UMX rather than a BMX, and said if she got BC she'd just have them both removed... they (those not in the sisterhood) have zero idea - that comment about just 'getting them both chopped off' ... right - it is such a hard decision on what path to take.. so hard... and the cavalier comments - whatever.

Madismommy719

Jen42- I'm still dumbfounded that he said that to me, I honestly think he was trying to be funny but I failed to see any humor....and I was so disgusted I could barely say goodbye to him....conversation over!!!

His wife, who I think honestly would be mad if I end up larger than her, was my maid of honor 10 years ago.....just shows where our friendship is today....she even asked me 1 week post BMX "oh, you aren't back at work yet?". Um, NO...I still have my drains in and can barely shower and get dressed.



Sometimes people you cared about can really suck!

edwards750

madismommy7..I can so identify with the "you arent back at work yet" comment. What is with people? Its like BC is a cold or the flu. They have decided that okay you had your lumpectomy or MX so back to work you go. Really? Walk a mile in our shoes. Initially I found myself so defensive about why I was not back at work and then one day I was like okay this is really ludicrous. I dont owe anyone an explanation why I am not fully recovered yet. As we all know BC does a number on you physically and emotionally. Right now I am so tired. It is all I can do to make to my treatment and run a few errands. I try to do that in the AM so I can be out of the sun and take a nap in the afternoons. I really resent people expounding the dos and donts of BC treatment and recovery. I hope they never have to go through what we are going through because they would surely sing a different tune. And you are right some of the people I care about are concerned but so matter of fact. Like okay you will be done with RADS so are ready to run the marathon now...diane

Madismommy719

And the boob job comments are always non stop....I had someone the other day tell me "oh, i recovered from my boob job in no time, piece of cake recovery" and I looked at her and laughed and said "you put implants in what you already had to make them bigger and look better....I had both mine completely removed and I have NO NIPPLES"

3jaysmom

fortunately, i don't have to hear the "new boobs" comment, cause w/ my health, it isn';t an option. at 1st, i was really upset; now, i just pray for my sisters that the recon goes well.... it is def time for the bus....

    1st, Riley; thanks for the info on cancer ins.. we filed with my disability; but i dont hink my DH cked about "per tx..etc.." im gonna ck it out!!!......youre' right.. these ple!!! they just WON'T STAY under!!!!

t

3jaysmom

there ya go, ladies... chin up, and CHEST out!!!!!     3jays

annettek

just wanted to pop in and give ya all a big old hug:)

chabba

barbe1958

I only took 2 1/2 weeks off work. When I came back, the only female near my office had a horrendous cold. I told her she sounded horrid and wouldn't she be better off at home? She glared at me and hissed "You've raised the bar around here!"

Wow!!! So me returning to work to try to pay my mortage had reset the 'bar' in the office about how sick you had to get to be off work!!!!  Gee, how powerful am I??

lago

Haven't been here in a while but I have my first story to share

2 weeks ago I bumped into one of my old professors from grad school. He recognized me (we did see each other about 4 years ago because his daughter lives in my building). I was surprised since some people in my building have to look twice now that my hair is so short (from chemo).

Anyway he starts with "you changed your hair style." Me: Yes . Then he keeps going on about it without a compliment or anything so at that point I felt "time to make him feel uncomfortable. I said "well not by choice it fell out" He: "enough said" I'm sure  he saw my LE sleeve and he is in his 70's so I'm sure he knows a few women that have gone through this.

Then the entire time he is staring at my port as we talk. My port can be seen because I'm rather thin but it is a  juvenile port so it isn't that noticeable… granted we are both designers/visual people so we do notice stuff but the staring was getting a bit rude.

Then he finally says "You look really good considering everything you've gone through"

WTF! I look good even if I didn't have BC for a someone my age. What kind of "compliment" was that. Oh and he ever said anything about  "the short hair looks good on you." Guess he doesn't like short hair. Who knows maybe he is still remembering that 24 YO I was from grad school. Hello I'm 50 now.

--------------------------------------------------------

Barbe I hate when people come to work sick and play martyr. Seriously if you have a cold stay home. Don't get the entire office sick! It's just so rude and inconsiderate.

Silia

A month ago I told my next-door neighbor about my bc and getting chemo.  We're friendly with her/ her family and thought I'd feel better then about being on my back deck without my wig. Anyway didn't have a chance to speak with her again until recently.  She asked me how I'm tolerating chemo (while wearing a scrunched up face) then said "well how do they know if it's metastasizing?!  WTF?!?!  People are unbelievable.  I have one friend who chose not to tell anyone until after she was through it all.  I'm thinking she was on to something....

Jen42

Edward750 - you typed out my thoughts exactly on so many things ! I had a co-worker ask me , "what's the problem? seems like a no-brainer to have both breasts removed and get reconstruction" when I was trying to figure out lumpectomy or UNI or BMX. I tried to explain it's just not that simple of a decision, but she was clueless.

Silia - I love the Oscar Arias quote. It is so very true ! I just added a Plato quote to my signature line that I hope will show up (guess I'll find out in a minute). I have always thought it was very true, too. None of us knows what someone else is going thru. The person tailgating you on the freeway -- are they trying to get to the hospital? The grumpy check-out person at grocery store -- did she just get bad news but is stuck at the cash register with no way to deal with it? The mean-faced neighbor you don't know very well -- is he dealing with some life-changing disease? 

mrsb45

Sas, I don't believe you can get ca insurance once you've had a Dx. of cancer. It also doesn't cover Melanoma, skin ca ...I love to read all the comments on this board.. Hard to believe some of the stuff people will say.. I'm 1 1/2 yrs out from last chemo so have a head full of thick hair and look like I did Before Ca except for 5 + lbs.. I was recently at a family baby shower and my husbands cousins wife who I hadn't seen since Dx. says " Oh you look better than I thought you would". When we got in the car I said WTF was that suppose to mean and my sister-in-law just said she's and idiot.. But I know sometimes I probably have said stuff to people in situations that didn/t come across right because you get nervous and don't really know what to say so I try and not be to sensitive, Also Hand Raised!!!

mammalou

You can't get the cancer insurance once you have a diagnosis, but it is really good if you happen to have it when you get cancer. 

Silia

Jen42 - thanks - I love your Plato quote too!



This is a great thread. Love the bus - it helps. and yes, my hand is also raised...