MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

justmejanis

Jo thanks so much for the update on Sherry.  Please send her my love. 

Marlegal, all my life I have been told how strong I am.  I have had a lot of sadness in my life.  Simple fact, but I always bounce back and forge ahead.  This time I am really having some coping issues which I am finally going to do something about.  I made an appointment with a therapist I go tomorrow.  I have had a rough couple of years.  We had to move here because Wyoming's elevation was too much for my husband.  He has emphysema/COPD and after so many problems his doctor told him either move to a lower elevation (we were at 6,000 ') or go on oxygen.  It was a horrible decision to make as he was forced to quit his well paying job and take SS at age 66.  We moved to Idaho because we wanted to stay in the west and have a similar climate.  The move was tough, so far from my kids and my only sister.  I coped.  I gained a ton of weight but I was okay.  Then last year the BC diagnosis.  I breezed right through everything.  Surgery, rads, piece of cake.  My sister kept telling me it was okay to cry.  I never did.  I am strong, remember?  So here I am now and realize I am really struggling emotionally.  I don't feel like I am coping well.  Mood swings, panic attacks, chronic insomnia, depression.  It is really true that with cancer you need to grieve.  I have not figured out how to do this.  I can't cry.......but I know I need help.  So this I am doing for myself, seeing someone.  I need to talk it out and grieve.  It is okay.  We shouldn't expect to be strong all the time.  It is perfectly okay to ask for a little help along this path.  Just felt the need to let this out.  I know so many understand!  I don't post much here anymore but i read and try to keep up.  You ladies have been such a rock for me.  Thanks for that!

cmbear

Jo--thanks for the update on Sherry, glad she's doing well. Send her our love. . .  and don't be such a stranger!! Haven't seen you on this thread for a VERY,VERY,VERY long time. Tsk tsk!

Janis-I totally get what you're feeling. Kinda like when TX all over, the curtain rises and you realize,"crap, what just hit me??" For me its trying to block out the thought that it might come back. Am I truly cancer-free now? Can I really start living my life normally again? Throw me that rope so I can get out of this hole. . .  

effcancer

Janis - I am reposting 2 posts of my own here for you. They have helped me and others, and you might not see them given where I posted them.

effcancer wrote:

I'm standing at the threshold of a door that I was told to stand in front of by those MUCH more knowledgeable than myself about my illness.  I have stage IV breast cancer.

The door is open, but I cannot see anything beyond the threshold, no matter how much I squint, peer, blink and then squint again. I stand at this nebulous threshold for a month at a time for right now before crossing, and have for the last three months. 

This next crossing, (visit to my oncologist) I know that things are going to be different. I'm not sure, though, in what way. I am having my first PET scan next week, followed by a visit to my oncologist, since my diagnosis three months ago. We are going to see if my current treatment (6 weeks rads, now complete; daily Tamoxifen; monthly Zometa) is working.

I feel GREAT compared to how I felt 3 months ago. My walker is put away in the closet as it is no longer needed, I only use my cane to go up and down stairs or a curb, and my pain is 90% better than it was when I was first diagnosed. Still, I feel as though I am faced with the unknown, looking across that threshold into the nebulous near future, and I am afraid. I am very afraid. I am afraid every time a joint cracks. I am afraid every time I feel my back pop. I used to live for my back popping when I would move, as it was relaxing. Now it scares me.

But as the tears run down my cheeks, sometimes uncontrollably, and I tremble inside, I know that I am going to keep crossing that threshold, looking straight ahead, prepared for tripping over things I cannot see, bumping into things that you can only see once you are right up on them. Although  I cry from fear and know I am afraid, I will keep crossing the threshold, for crossing the threshold despite the fear is COURAGE. Courage may be all I have, but I have plenty. I have it in myself and all of those in my support system that pray for me, send me wellness vibes, and many others. Courage leads to belief, in this case belief that I will make it, and so will YOU.

effcancer

Janis - Here is the rest of my post. I hope it helps you!

Beaverton, Oregon USAJoined: Jul 2012Posts: 45Post a reply

Aug 18, 2012 01:21 PM, edited  Aug 18, 2012 01:22 PM    by effcancer

@exbrnxgrl:

We DO have a choice. I am not talking about the choice to go or not go to treatments, but the choice to every day decide to what degree we are going to LIVE. The degree to which we decide to LIVE while being stuck with having bc follow us everywhere we go is what determines how much courage we have, and THAT'S what motivates us to go see our MO and willingly hold out our arms for the nurse to give us the flavor-of-the-month infusion. Or show up at Nuclear Medicine and willingly lie down on a table after getting some radioactive shit shot into our arms, and be there for half an hour while a big machine takes pics of our guts.  

It takes a LOT of courage to choose to reach out and grab huge gobs of life after being diagnosed with such a piece of crap disease. It takes a lot of courage to do this knowing that over time, the quality of our lives can diminish, but being willing to experience this anyway. We can do this, or we can retreat from the life we love, so that it won't hurt so much if the quality of our life changes. You may ask "who would do this?" Many people do. I retreated for a few weeks. I did need some space to start getting well, and to let my diagnosis sink in, but I was also afraid of how people were going to react and I was afraid of the quality of my life beginning its downslide then and there. I was scared to keep loving my people and wanting my life.

I don't have to bungee jump (eff THAT). I don't have to climb Mt. Everest, eat a grasshopper taco or dance with an aboriginal tribe before I leave this life. I just have to figure out who and what blows ME away (in a good way, LOL), and based on my possibilities, grab big gobs of THAT, and embrace whatever/whoever it is on my terms, DESPITE my fears. THAT is what I think keeps me, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, etc., going. What also keeps me going is the following, that I read on this very site. It is from an online conference from August 1, 2008, given in part by Larry Norton, MD. It is powerful, and I read it several times a week, especially if I feel down. It is not the full quote, just the part that makes me cheer inside:

"One of the major changes in metastatic breast cancer over the years is conversion from an acute fatal disease to a chronic one that people can live with. I have people with metastatic breast cancer that I've cared for for 25 years. I expect that we're going to see more and more people with long survival with this disease, which is always a prelude towards disease cure. I've seen cures over the years I've been involved in cancer medicine. It's always a chronic disease before it becomes a curable one, and I suspect we're in that transition now."

EFF cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catnz

Thanks for the welcome everyone. Today my bb (bosom buddy) is having her reconstruction surgery so I am anxiously awaiting news of how it went. She got her lump checked after hearing about my diagnosis so we were on the journey together, although she didn't need chemo and I did. We would joke that together we would make a matching pair! I have been suffering from headaches a lot in the last week so that has had me concerned. I had an eye exam today and need new glasses, but have also been wondering about the Tamoxifen effect - anybody here had this issue? When I googled it there was info that indicated it was a lesser side effect and given that hot flushes reared their ugly head again around the same time leads me to wonder if it's all hormonal. Yay for hormones!! I'm only six months in to this Tamoxifen phase so hope it settles. Thanks, Cath

effcancer

Cath -

I am on Tamoxifen. My eyes sometimes get a little wonky where they didn't before, so yeah. And, lucky me, just when I think the hot flushes are over, I scare the shit out of DH by having the worst I've ever had and he's watching it happen, LOL! He watched me turn red as a tomato from chest up, ears included in a matter of seconds. My skin was hot to touch, and this crap lasted like 20 minutes! I haven't had it like that before or since. The look on DH's face was priceless. He wanted to go to the ER, but it turned out to be fine. My MO wasn't concerned.

So, when shit happens that I am not used to or that throws me for six, I check to see if it is a SE of what I am taking. Funny enough, usually Tamoxifen is the culprit. If it persists, I call my MO nurse.

Eff cancer!

juneaubugg

Sherri; good luck with your exchange. I have an annual membership for the gastroenterologist due up my Crohns disease. Every October I dead it. Its my DHs birthday, colonoscopy, wedding anniversary (got married on Halloween). now this year we can start it with my last chemo treatment. Oh joy!

elimar86861

effcancer,  Your second repost was very aptly put. 

IMO:  Whatever stage you have to deal with (and I do think IV would be the biggest challenge,) it kind of is up to the person to reconfigure their own lives at that point.  Shock, anger, fear, withdrawing, are all normal responses and are neither "right" nor "wrong" but if you feel that the "B/C experience" is taking away things from your life that you don't want taken away, then it IS time for some action.  I say DON"T GIVE IN to it.  Dom't let cancer take your spirit.  Mastectomy is bad.  Spirit-ectomy is worse.  We don't automatically know how to navigate thru' all this, but we have a very good chance to figure it out for ourselves, or in asking for some assistance along the way.  (Janis, you go girl!)  Also, don't be too hard on yourself if you do backslide into B/C moodiness now and then.  It happens to us all.

Dakota212

I am not one to post much but sometimes I feel like I am soooooo sick of people saying ur strong u will get thru this..... I haven't even had surgery yet and I am sick of it. I want to say shut the f*** up. I don't want to be strong I want to lay down and cry.

elimar86861

Oh, look here...our cute little thread is getting so big.  How old are you now, little thread?

I'M THIS MANY! 

Yes, the thread is three years old today.  The celebration will be up to you for now.  I've decided to mark the occasion by having some dental torture today.  Not really torture, but I will be A.W.O.L. for a couple hours.  CU soon.  

olgah34

Dakota, I am so with you. I did say them: I am not strong, sorry. Strong person is who jums into the fire to save somebody or goes somewhere to protect somebody ... I just have no choice...I did not choose this disease... So after that they did not talk about it anymore...

olgah34

Odie, how are you?

Dakota212

Olgah-

Exactly I will do what I have to do but not because I am strong it's because I want to live hello. I have two kids 11 & 8 and I have to be around for them. Just don't tell me I am strong. I am a mom.

justmejanis

effcancer thank you for the cheer!  I am really doing well most of the time, but know that I need a tune-up basically.

dakota....I understand that strong thing.  My brother committed suicide many years ago.  We were very close.  So many people told me how strong I was and that would help me get through it.  I put up a pretty tough exterior, but I was dying inside.  When the BC was diagnosed, I heard much the same.  So many people told me I was strong and would get through it.  Of course I did.  Like you, I want to live!  We can be strong but fragile as well.......

Eli....thanks! 

Dakota212

Justemejanis-

Exactly. I will not show my kids that I am petrified. My not so DH and I are separated and I just want to shout shut the f up. It has to get better. There has to be a pot of gold somewhere for us!!

justmejanis

Dakota you have a very full plate being separated and going through BC.  I am really sorry.  I never lose sight of the rainbow but have come to realize I am vulnerable.  As are you.  It will get better, I promise.  Keep talking here...everyone understands.

Dakota212

Justemejanis-

I know. I saw a quote

Sometimes u have to hit rock bottom before u see what is above. I keep saying this is the third thing in my life I have to be done. In a year maybe...... Faith

cmbear

HAPPY THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!! KICK YOUR HEELS UP!!! 

cmbear

ok this is just much better to look at, better than seeing double!!! 

Sherryc

Eli your new avatar is a bit freaky. But the three boob lady is more freaking made me tak a peak at my new foobs making sure I still had two,hehe

Thanks all for the pocket party.  All went well with my exchange but PS had to do quiet a bit of pocket work on my radiated side so I was in pain, it was a three hour surgery.  I also was nauseous even after getting the patch behind my ear.  Of course they had to get all that under control before i could come home.  So surgery was at 1pm and i did not leave the hospital until 8pm.  I live 1 hour and 15 minutes from the hospital so made for a long day and crashed when I got home.

The picture of the flowers are beautiful.

Janis good for you to go to therapy.  I am sure they will be able to help cope better.  You have had too many life changing events.

elimar86861

Sherry, Sherry, Sherryc, What is so freaky?  That is my own eye, giving a sidelong glance.  Is it the under eye luggage I am carrying?  Well, George and Brad (but not the genetically perfect Johnny) are sporting eye bags too.  Now you made me self-conscious.  I knew I should have stayed a little pink dog.  But that is not my habit on the anniversaries, and I am a creature of habit, so I will post another pic soon (even tho' it makes me look bug-eyed.  Why go for just a bit freaky, when I know I can do better.)  I'll have to post the pic of my "oh, really?" eyes.  In the spirit of freaky forgiveness I will post some hooray, happy dancers (three, of course) now that you are home from the surgery.

                                                                              

cmb,  George, Johnny and Brad...eenie, meenie, minee...all of them!  Triple hotness!!!  You had better help me out with the thread hospitality today.  You know how people just like to stop by for an anniversary open house.  Made a huge batch of Cheetos/Marshmallow Treats.  Don't knock 'em til you've tried five or six.

                                                  

                                        

Eph3_12

lovin' the triplets-especially the boys!! Congrats for the thread Elimar...it truly is one of my very favorite places to go & hang! 

elimar86861

It's noon somewhere...time for the 3-hour happy hourS 12-3 p.m., not to be confused with the happy hourS from 3-6 p.m, or the evening happy hourS.

                                                

Chin chin!  (I've always liked that toast.  Best double chin you can have.  Today it's chin chin chin!  Maybe even in the Japanese slang way--Google it!))

elimar86861

Care to join me for some fancy-schmancy "crostinis."  Honey/Pear/Gorgonzola...my favorite!  Or would you prefer provolone w/garlic and roasted red pappers?

                                           

Eph3_12

I spy with my own little eyes E eyes!!!!! Drinks & pupus look divine!

effcancer

I'll take three of everything, please! Losing my marbles today, as my MO appt is tomorrow, and we're going over first PET scan results since dx. So, scared shitless. I know, I know, being scared does not change what is on the scan. But I'm still terrified if what's on the scan is not good news. And because I take stupid Oxycontin, I can't have a drink. Sigh. But I can eat stuff...

Dakota212

Count me in on the drinks!!! Need them today!!! Cheers

cmbear

Ok Eff what you have to remember is when we cyber party, there are no calories, no hangovers, no nasty side effects from stupid drugs we have to take. so ENJOY!!!!m Let loose, and forget about. . . what I already forgot!!!

 

effcancer

Thanks, Claire! I just want this week to be over and for it to end with good news...

cmbear

Ok its not always about the hot bods. . .