MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

elimar86861

I am impressed with tales of working teens, baking teens, heck, I am impressed if you have a teen that rises before noon.  I'm enjoying the teen stories shared so far. 

Though I often write posts that have some humor in them, I find that I cannot put a humorous spin on what passes for teen behavior in my house.  The horrors are too fresh.  Maybe in a few years I will see the humor, but right now I am stuck in a warzone.  It's terrible.  I have two 18+ age sons that are disrespectful, shirk responsibility, and argue with me on just about everything.  The old-fashioned phrase "too big for their britches" suits them both to a T.  I know that, unfortunately, it can get like this around the time they should be leaving "the nest."  

Where is the other parent in all this?  Well, "buddy-Dad" is not a big help.  His laissez-faire attitude just enables their behavior. When I have tried some of the more dramatic solutions you all have written about (like bagging up everything laying on the floor in kid's room, or raking--yes, with a rake-- it into a pile) he shows no support and will undermine me instead.  Avid readers of this thread might realize I have never used the "DH" term for my husband, and I have my reasons.  So, unfortunately, I have no family support.  

I've heard that sometimes, through maturity, the teens actually become loving and responsible adult children.  Sometimes.  I can dream the dream anyway.

While I am here, I may as well solicit some advice:  

IF YOU are the family member with the highest standard of clenliness, how do you get other family members to pitch in when they are oblivious to the mess/filth around them and quite satisfied wallowing in it?  That is probably at the crux of my own problem here.  (All replies welcome, except any that turn me into a maid for three grown, able-bodied individuals.)

hobie644

hahahaha "junk drawer with a door"  that's now the new name of my husband and my bedroom, because that's what it's become!  I have friends who I'm sure think I'm annal because they only see my house when it's sparkling clean. I tell them to show up uninvited sometime to see the house in it's natural state!

KeepingtheFaith

OMG you guys are cracking me up. "Junk drawer with a door", now thats a new one. But I can totally relate. My hubby does the shopping and cooking too. He just like to cook more than me. I would much rather clean the kitchen afterward than have to cook the meal. Occassionally I have to cook but try not to if I can help it. Now baking is another thing and I enjoy baking occassionally. Not too often because I also enjoy eating it.

I am really bummed about all I've read about weight gain during chemo. I am already substantially overweight and have been trying to lose some weight. I was hoping I could continue to lose some during chemo and rads but now I'm reading that I will most likely gain. Ugh!

I have a Pampered Chef party on Aug 14th (booked pre-diagnosis) and so I have been making myself do some extra cleaning each day. Today I washed kitchen curtains and the windows (I didn't do a thorough job on windows, but cleaned the inside of the glass).

Well, think after an exhausting day I will relax with a book for awhile.

Hugs and best wishes to you all. Deb

KeepingtheFaith

Okay couldn't help it, just had to add another comment or two.  

Elimar    I once read somewhere that teenagers become so "difficult" at about the time they are ready to go out on their own, to make the transition easier for us Moms. My suggestion is go on strike. You could even put a big sign in the yard that I have seen on the news before, stating Mom on Strike. Have your zones, that are neat and clean, but don't lift a finger to pick up after them. I would even go so far as to chuck any of their belongings left in a "family" area into their room. Just open the door and pitch. Hopefully they will get sick of it and clean. If not, eventually you may have to hire a cleaning company....lol.

So happy mine are grown. Of course, now I have the grandchildren a lot of the time, but they are still pretty young and will usually do as told, I just have to stay on some of them. Although the 4 yo and 6yo granddaughters love to clean and will clean for me anytime. They even ask if they can clean. Hope they don't outgrow it....lol.

Eph3_12

Keeping the Faith-they will.

smithlme

OmahaGirl, Sending positive vibes to you for tomorrow. I have my 6 month check up on the 23rd and I'm already dreading it.

As for house cleaning....my mother has me brainwashed still. I make my bed every day, even when I was going through chemo. I only had one child at home during that time so I kept the dishes washed and the house clean. My former co-workers offered to hire someone to come clean my house and I was so freaked out that one of the housekeepers would come over sick and make me sick. I was determined to get through chemo as fast as possible and stay as healthy as possible.

I remember Saturday morning chores. There were 3 girls and my brother, the oldest. He never had to wash a dish or do any house cleaning. His chore was to mow the lawns. We did all the inside chores including dusting under the chairs. I had the joy of ironing my dads handkerchiefs and the scarves on the dressers. To this day I hate to iron.

hobie644

Deb:  You and I are kindred spirits, I too, would rather clean up after the meal than cook it!

Kleenex

Elimar - have you ever called your husband out on being your oldest "son"? Sometimes I have to have a talk with my oldest "son" (husband who is acting like one of the children) just to make sure he knows I believe he is subverting my efforts and that once I've pointed it out, it is assumed that he is doing it on purpose if he continues. I HATE it when I'm the only adult. That said, I have taken down my "standards" overall, because no one will ever do things the way I'd like them to be done, and if I DO get things done myself, I'm a witch when they inevitably get messed up. So we live in this sort of not-too-clean, not-too-dirty limbo. I tell people I'm here to make their organization, cleaning and decorating efforts look better... CPS will likely not shut my operation down, and we're not going to be on Hoarders, but it's not pretty here.

Saw a funny cartoon one time - there were four people sitting around a table, apparently a mom, dad and two teen-looking kids. Only the mom had a place setting and food. "Oooops," the mom was saying, "Looks like I forgot to make dinner for anyone but myself."

Joni - what a cool thing! I don't think we have anything like that out here in "Every Child Left Behind" Land.

Deb - do NOT clean up too much before a Pampered Chef party. Unfortunately, the kitchen and possibly even the fridge will have to be fairly clean, but just spot clean floors and any bathroom the guests will use. Use candles and dimmers wherever people are sitting. People will be dropping bits of food hither and yon as they sample things and the consultant prepares things, and your kitchen and whatever room the guests are sitting in will be trashed in about five minutes. Save your efforts to clean up after they leave.

barbe1958

I read that in Dear Abby once. Have your house NEAT before a party; but do your cleaning AFTER the guests leave! You're going to have to do it anyway. That's my theory and it's worked for me all these years. I'm kind of wound up when people leave so I just go at it.

When we were moving years ago, my 21 year was still at home at the time and his room was a crap site. I put a note on the door "21 year olds' room" and closed the door. I let the house be shown. He was mortified. But not enough to clean it. When we moved I used a snow shovel and just shoveled everything into boxes. A year later he needed his passport. Guess what! hehehehehehheheheehhe He had to go through EVERY box to find it. But he did!

I DEMAND that "public" areas in the house stay neat. Do what you want in your bedroom, but don't expect me to look for anything or clean it for you. Now they are adults with their own houses and it's very interesting to see what areas they keep clean.....

Meece

smithleme, I like ironing the handkercheifs and dresser scarves a lot more than ironing anything with sleeves and collars!

barbe1958

My Mom used to dampen my Dad's hankies and when I ironed them I LOVED the smell!

elimar86861

Morning all!  Thanks Kleenex and KtF for the encouragement.  The strike does not work well because they all have a high tolerance for crap laying all over the place, yet it causes me the discomfort to live in an environment like that for weeks, months.   So my choices seem to be endure the mess and feel uncomfortable in my own home, clean up after them and feel like a maid in my own home, or nag (and who wants to be one!) my head off to limited success and feel like a witch in my own home.  Lose-lose-lose situation.  On the upside, I did go through the B/C ordeal, so I should make it through the teenage years eventually. 

But, Kleenex bring up another point that is so timely for us Mid-women...a husband who reverts to his pre-grown up ways.  Is that the second childhood?  How soon do they get to "second adulthood?"  Ever?   Women get a bad rap.  Everyone under the sun hears of the legendary horrors of a Mid-age woman going thru' menopause.  What about the guys and their Mid-age man-o-pause?  It's real.

Barbe, Snow shovel?  Oh, I hear that!  Hope you didn't throw your back out.

chrissyb

elimar, do you have enough room in your home to have 'your own space'?  If you do a good thing to do is have your space neat and clean and let the rest ...including the kitchen.....be their space to do with and live like they want to.   Do only your laundry and cook only for your self.........I doubt it would last longer than a few weeks before things begin to change.  Takes a bit of determination but hey, you're a survivor and remember the determination it took for that!!......You go girl...give 'em what for!!!

cookiegal

Hi! Back from glorious Wisconsin. (How I love that darn state).

OG good luck!! See if you can switch from MRI's to PEM's. MSK is getting one, though they say it's experimental. I'll recap my story with PEM's later on.

Reatreat was fun, but BUSY, for any of you in the Midwest, I recommend the program. 

I lost my keys while I was gone, and hubby is on epic 2 week business trip.

New job in 6 DAYS!!

Insurance approved contraption, their salesman is in town today.

Hugs,cookies, and curds!

(Think very chewy, chedder, mozerella sticks)

(Faith, try them pronto, at a bar, with a little tiny beer chaser, you can bike there to burn off the calories)

elimar86861

chrissyb, I used to have a formal living/dining area where I could relax in a quiet, sun-filled room and just sit amid cleanliness or read.  Well, you know how the stereotypical mid-life crisis male gets into his "sports car phase?"  Mine opted for his "mancave with rockin' guitar collection and 14 speakers cranked to 11; also hooked up for home theater war movie bomb-dropping sound phase" and, guess what?  That is directly below my sunny nook of solitude.  Did I mention my eldest son plays bass?  The vibrating floorboards just wreck the peaceful mood. 

Yes, I do most of the cooking, but my husband is capable to do that for an extended time, so augmented with him giving the teens money to go get some burgers, the cooking strike could go on a very long time.

The laundry... they do their own clothes now.  It's another bone of contention.  The clothes are often left in the machines in the way of the next person coming through.  Also, even when the clean clothes make it up to their rooms, they sit in the basket for days while a pile of dirty, smelly clothing accumulates on the carpeted closet floor.  That is a pet peeve of mine, because that carpet picks up a sweaty odor and soon the room has locker room smell.  That's probably why Febreeze was invented.  Is getting two laundry baskets the answer?  Oh no!  Then it will be two baskets of clean clothes and dirties still in a pile in the closet (at least that how my husband interpreted the two basket method.)

At this point, I have tried many of the obvious ploys, nothing worked.  What they have over me is what I call "democratic rule of the three little piggies."  Which means there has to be a big bad wolf in there somewhere, and it's me, of course---when I would rather have the role of benevolent queen.

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam here on the thread.  I know I am not alone.  It's not like I don't have girlfriends who struggle in the same or similar ways and vent their frustrations to me.  Whether the kids are girls or boys, the teen years are still a struggle.  People either have the clean-freak in them or they don't, but woe is the couple that has one of each.  That is not working so good for me right now.

p.s.  cookiegal, love cheese, but right now it's what is melted all over the microwave plate because someone fixed themselves a late night nacho snack.

NativeMainer

Elimar--now I remember one of the reasons I'm gald I'm single!  My entire house is MY space, and has just exactly as much quiet or noise and I choose to fill it with.  I can't imagine how it feels to lose your little retreat.  When I was growing up, if my clothes were in the washer or dryer when Mom wanted to use it they got taken out and dropped on the floor.  Since the washer and dryer was in the dirt floor basement of the house that meant I would have to start over when I did remember my laundry. It didn't take me too long to learn to remember when I was doing laundry!  Have you considered taking up the carpet in the closets?  Probably won't phase the teens any but it would make you feel better.  If cooking meals isn't an issue for your family, I'll bet there is something that you do that is important to them.  If you can figure out what that is and use that as a bargaining chip you may get further.  Maybe trading favors--one ride somewhere costs one cleaned up and FeBreezed closet floor, payable in advance.  If all else fails, time will fix the problem as the teens become adults and move into their own places.  

cookiegal

Must admit I have had the occasional bout of Ambien-induced cheese melting!

faithandfifty

Cookie. I'd love to hear "more" about the retreat.

I have been reading along with the "teen-age" stories...... trying to pick just one or two from my ample supply of tales that become funnier as time marches on. LOL.

Elimar, I have absolutely no insight into your being out numbered & frustrated. Just wanted you to know I care.

The only insight that I have is a bumper sticker I have in my collection that I use for other situations, but might give you a wry smile, "When all else fails, lower your standards."

I don't know that offers any actual support, but rather might help you keep some shred of sanity.

Kleenex, as usual you bring perspective & wit: drawer & door! Funny gal..... all too true as a description for my work space.

Hugs to all of middies -- caught between real life & the vision of commercials & magazine spreads. Where the rubber meets the road.

Eph3_12

{{{Elimar}}} I feel parts of your pain!  I solved the "oldest child" problem by kicking his ass out 6 yrs ago!  2nd or 3rd best thing I've ever done!

elimar86861

My household has reached a detente (make your brain go back to the 70's for that one.).  There has been a de-escalation.  The missiles are back in their silos.  Realistically, it will most likely be a few more years until a true accord is reached.  Thanks again, peoples!

                                -------------------------------------------------------

In the newfound spirit of harmony, this is for all the "weather-lovers"out there:  "La canicule" is the way the French refer to the scorchingly hot "dog days" of summer, like now.

                        

While I was out at 6 p.m. tonight watching a summer soccer game (poor kids, it was 95 degrees) I played with my friend's new puppy.  They brought her water dish since it was so hot, but all that little lab wanted to do was stand with her two front paws in the bowl.  La canicule...oh-la-la!

OG56

You make me wish I had a teenager again NOT!  I remember when my daughter was in college and got an apartment she would tell all her friends that I had overtaken her old room in less than 10 seconds. I was so ready to be "alone".. that I adjusted much better than I thought I would.

I saw the BS yesterday and had my MRI. While I was speaking with her I brought up an old pathology record I found from my initial diagnosis and was so unhappy to find that my original BS had only achieved "close" margins after my lumpectomy, leaving me with multifocal DCIS in one area. I don't think she knew what to say except that she would have went back for better margins, however, I did receive radiation so that is another insurance policy! Well I guess whats done is done but it makes me unhappy! Won't have any results for a few days so on to thinking about better stuff like how quiet and lazy I can be if I wish and that I don't have to cook or clean unless company is coming, which means I have to do that tonight!

Thanks for the support! 

Meece

We average about 38 days over 100 degrees each year, and this year we are at half.  We either have a couple of months of La cunicule, or we have just been blessed this year.

cookiegal

Native Mainer, I walked by this little lobster place last night and it is so cute, they put up a sign with what town that day's catch is from,and some history and information about the town. I think it was millbridge, that night. What a nice way to teach the customers a little about Maine, and make it more than a caricature.

I am starting my new job monday, (me and the puffy arm), and I have been thinking about Maine a lot. It was the most spiritually profound place I ever lived.

karen1956

elimar....My now 21 year old son, never put his laundry away, so years ago (he was maybe 14 or 15), I quit doing his laundry....he now does it all and so as its out of the dryer, it goes in his hamper and back to is disaster messy bedroom.....but its his room......yes, once in a while he leaves a load in the machine or the dryer, but he has gotten better about finishing before he leaves or asking us to finish....but then again, I also leave stuff in the dryer or machine that he has to help with.....I am lucky that hubby does help with the housework and laundry...no real divsion...we both do whatever we can.....I prefer to cook...so hubby does the dishes...we decided when we were first married that whoever cooked the other did the dishers....soon I learned cooking was more fun.....hubby has been telling 12 year old DD that she is now old enough to put her dishes in the dishwasher....she does need reminders to put her laundry away but it does eventually get done....her room is also a mess.....that is another whole arena.....once in a while I will vacuum the parts of the floor that is not covered with stuff....but I don't clean her room or do her linens unless she puts them in the laundry.,......the rest of the us is fairly tidy, but I am guilty about leaving stuff around......btw....as much as hubby helps, I don't put his laundry away either....washing it is one thing....folding socks and putting laundry away is totally another!!!  One person to do (mine) is more than enough!!!!

PauldingMom

UGH! 105 heat index today and I have a group of bored and sweaty kids here. Thank goodness it's nap time I put on a Christmas movie with lots of snow. I hope their tiny little brains can go to that happy cold place and cool down. 

Hope everyone is having a great day. I keep telling myself it won't be long before I can start complaining about the cold and ice. 

cookiegal

The contraption has landed!!!

faithandfifty

(((((((((((Cookie))))))))))))

For Pete's sake, they got that to you & can't get the sleeve/gauntlet figured out?

Wishing you the best.

NativeMainer

Cookie--that's pretty cool! 

elimar86861

What is the contraption everyone is writing about, cookie?

Kleenex

Wasn't Cookie's contraption a shoulder mobilization device that doubled as a medieval "rack" torture device?

Re: laundry - I don't put my husband's laundry away. Even my girls' ends up stacked on the stairs, waiting for them to take it up. Ostensibly this is so they all know what they have and where it has ended up. Realistically, though, I'm "displaying" it to demonstrate how productive I've been. It's important to make sure to take credit for these kinds of things. It also keeps me out of the loop on "Where's my _____?" Although I'm really good at that game. I should've been a forensic scientist. I can find almost anything, and I can tell you exactly what my family has been up to, right down to the smallest snack and briefest activity, by using a variety of tiny clues. It's a special skill I'm very proud of. I annoyingly make my kids respond to "Who's the Mom?!" "You da Mom!"