**NEW** Starting Chemo March 2009

Dawnmrn1

Hi Everyone!  I miss you all too, and see some of your posts on other threads!! This is my home and I miss you guys, but I think we are all having a collective SIGH!!!! of Relief!!! What a time we have had!!! Now we are trying to put ourselves back together!!!! It has been a rollercoster of a year for us, and now we have to pick up the pieces and go foward!  Afriend of mine asked how I was today and I told her I am as busy as ever, and I am living my life not sitting home waiting to die!  that's just how I feel I rather be working and living than staying home and worrying!!!! This disease sucks but my mantra is I have Cancer it doesn't have me!!! Hang in there girls!  Luv ya!  Dawn

sakura73

Hello lovely warrior princesses all,

I too wondered why our thread was so quiet! It is lovely to hear all of your news. 

 I logged in just now and saw the October 2009 chemo thread and was so incredibly thankful that chemo is behind me. Can you imagine being at the start of that journey now? It is weird being on a radiation thread because to me it seems so minor compared with chemo and yet there are many women there who had no chemo, were only recently diagnosed and are much more concerned about things than I am - they are stressing about things that we all stressed about back when we were starting out. Cancer treatment is so normalised for me now that I have almost forgotten what it is like to be worried about it. I had radiation 17/30 today. Still have no burning at all - I am really lucky I know.I feel guilty that things have been so easy compared with the horrible burns I know some of you  got.

That said, I do have some treatment worries - have to make a decision about Tamoxifen and I feel sick about it. Have cancelled the oncologist appointment next week where I was meant to get the prescription  and am yet to reschedule. How are people going on it? I have started taking I3C and iodine and am so tempted to not take Tamoxifen at all. It is silly - I have had such an easy run with side effects from chemo and radiation that I shouldn't worry about Tamox side effects, but I do. As we've discussed before, for me  it is about wanting to put an end to the time in my life when I am a patient. I want cancer treatment to be OVER.

And here's a question - do you think of yourself as cured? On another thread I got a bit grumpy at women who were saying BC can't be cured. As far as I am concerned I am cured. I might get it again, but if you have flu and get better you don;t say your flu is in remission - you say it is cured! Even if next winter you get it again. I wonder why we treat cancer so differently. I know it is different for those with advanced disease but for  those whose cancer disappears entirely in treatment (as I know yours is going to with your Adriamycin, NYDeb) can't we say we are better? I would be interested  in what people's views are on this - and I don't want to sound like I am criticising anyone else's  approach.  Dawn it sounds like you still think of  yourself as having cancer. I suspect this is quite a personal thing and we will all have different approaches.

Happy weekend, everyone.

chick717

I've been on Tamoxifen for 2 months, and I have no SEs.  It IS a daily reminder - but I just take it along with my supplements every night and remind myself that I am healthy and I am doing this to maintain my health.  I HATE it when people say "oh, your cancer is in remission" as if it's a monster lurking under the bed waiting to grab my ankle.

Along those lines, it occurred to me the other day....my surgery was last January.  So technically, I have been cancer-free for almost 10 months, right?  That's almost a YEAR already.   Now there's something to focus on!  

Dawnmrn1

Hi Rachael!  You are right this cancer journey is highly individualized! I am an RN and have been one for 32 years and have seen alot in that time!!! I guess maybe that makes me a skeptic!  I was first DX last July with Stage 1 node neg,oncotype 18 no chemo no rads!!!! On Dec 18 my onc told me I was cured!!!!! No need to worry, my chance after my first mastectomy, which I elected to have because I did not want to deal with this again, was almost none!!! I was so happy and relieved! Then in 1/09, I went for my red on my left and my TE removal and implant on the right and my left breast was found to have Stage 3 24/24 nodes positive! I will never let my guard down again!!!! Yes, my scans were all neg, I did my 6 rounds of TAC and my 33 rads, am I cured I don't think so!!! I wll always have to live with cancer in my life.....I am on tamoxifen for 5 years like everyone else. No SE thank heavens!!!I am working, chasing after my teenage daughter, taking care of my house and husband, everyone says I am my usual self except for being bald!!!! The hair is about 1 inch long and UGLY!!!!The wig may never go!!!My onc says to be that this TX changes a person, and I know it changed me! I now live in the minute, worry little about the future and try to enjoy the little things!  Some of this is good and some of this is bad! Like I said I have cancer and always will, but it doesn't have me!!!! that is my way of coping I guess! Hope this helps and doesn't hinder. We are all individuals, and have histories and live experiences that have gotten us to this point!  Love and Luck, My Friend!  Dawn

Luv2sing

Hey Everyone!

Haven't been checking as much due to being back in school and lurking in other spaces on the internet .  Finished rads on 10/7 and am in my healing stage, rad doc is keeping me out til after Nov. 3rd (follow-up visit) and I'm supposed to have a PET scan later in Nov.  Sakura your post caught my eye and I have to say yes ... it is a very personal thing.  I am one of those who agrees that cancer cannot be cured, it only goes into remission.  I've spent my entire life watching my immediate family all die from cancer.  My Mom was in and out of hospitals constantly.  The last time the doctors told her she had made a miraculous recovery and she died shortly after.  My father suffered terribly as did my two brothers.  I have two personal friends one of who is going thru her fourth bc diagnosis and the other her second.  Both came back more aggressive than their earlier cancers.  Again ... it's a personal thing and for me ... I know that I will always have this.

Anonymous

I went to see my onco yesterday, first time post surgery.  At 2 1/2 weeks out, I figured we could start chemo in a few weeks.  She blurts out, how about Monday?  Holy shit, either I look a lot better than I feel or she has a great sense of urgency to get going ( a question I decided to keep to myself) .  We compromised with starting next Thursday.  I'm really nervous at being so physically weak heading into it vs. last time.  Last treatment scheduled for Dec 3, fast and furious and hopefully finally done.

As far as the whole "cured" thing, I agree that it is highly individualized.  Had my treatments gone as planned, I would be on the "cured train".  Unfortunately, the twists and turns have beat down my optimism a bit.  I'll settle for survivor for now. 

Through this whole ordeal, I have found friends I never knew, many I had forgotten and a closeness with my family that I will never again take for granted.  I work hard not to sweat the small stuff, ignore peoples shortcomings and just appreciate whatever they bring to the table.  I have witnessed a strength in my DH that I never knew he possessed and have finally let myself  go and lean on him.  All in all, the BC has definitely taken it's toll physically, but has been a spiritual awakening.  Many months from now when I am feeling like a whole person again, I hope I never lose those lessons it has taught me.

ChrisC433

Deb:  Hang in there...this Christmas you will have a lot to celebrate!  I agree with the changes that the BC has made in my vision on life.  It is like I want to do something special everyday because I am so glad that I have it..don't want in wasted!

At this point, I feel that I am cured of the BC.  Don't get me wrong, I know there is a chance that it could come back or a new cancer begin.  I think after that 3-5 year mark I will be certain that this cancer was eradicated.  Unfortunately, there is nothing saying that a new cancer won't be found due to environmental factors being equal...who knows what started this one.  I am going to live as if cancer free and do what I can to strengthen the odds of not getting it again...

Hugs to all...what a ride this has been...I've seen more bad than I expected, but was surprised that the good outweighed it!

Chris

Alyad

Hi to everyone, I just got back from doing a Making Strides For Breast Cancer 5 k walk. It was cold and overcast most of the walk, but the sun did come out for a few minutes. I was part of a team supporting Carri, a friend of a friend- she just had her fourth AC tuesday and managed to walk a mile of it- I don't think I could have done that on day 5 most rounds. Go Carri!

I consider myself cured. I think the language you use to describe your life has an impact. You make your own reality. It's really difficult to not have those thoughts- what if it comes back? at times I am just sure that it will. But since surgery Jan 28, I have ALWAYS said- I HAD cancer. Past tense. Chemo and radiation were just insurance to keep it from coming back.

all I can do know is cross my fingers, lose some weight, get in shape, eat healthier, look what  supplements might help, take my daily bone drug from the trial I'm in, oh and I started Tamoxifen a few days ago. So far no Se's. I know I can do all those things perfectly and it still might return but I am just going to live my life and hope for the best.

I really liked your post Deb- finding support in places you never expected- learning to lean on others has been a struggle for me. I had been married for 7 months when I was dx and my DH has been amazing through it all. I can't picture having gone through this without him. We will celebrate 5 years since our first date next month.It does seem soon to start your chemo after the TRAM- mine was just shy of 5 weeks. But in a way- I felt like the healing that happened weeks 3-5 or so kinda were reversed by the chemo anyway- I just hope it doesn't knock you down too hard. In the PET scan I had a  few weeks after my last chemo they said they could still see the increased metabolic activity in the surgery areas 7 months after surgery.

I wish there was something better I could say than Hang in There!

pickle

Deb: fast and furious.....Decemeber 3rd is just around the corner and with the flurry of activites I am sure you will find the time will go fast. You will head into the new year with all of your treatments behind you.

Luv2sing: Congrats on being done rads....heal up well

Dayla: That's great that you did the walk and holy cow....Carri....kudos to her. I don't think I could have done it during treatment

Dawn, I am sorry for all you have gone through. I can only imagine the lack of trust you must have felt after being told you were "cured" and then it not be true. It must have been a shocking blow and keeps you on edge. I hope that you continue to find joy in the little things and you will be able to ditch the wig one day....an inch is about the same as me and I know I have been impatient about it. I want it all back now too but at least our new growth is encouraging.  Thank you for all the great posts...always so knowledgable and encouraging.

I also agree that the cured thing is individual. I think of myself as a cancer free survivor and will continue to do so until they tell me otherwise. However when it comes to public awareness I think it's important for the public not be misled and think that "oh...breast cancer....surgery, treatment and you're cured" I would never want people to get complacent about the fundraising dollars that are still required so that we have an actual cure. A forever cure.

I also don't want to become naive or complacent. It may one day recur so I guess I will always have my guard up a bit and and get checked if anything out of the ordinary arises but in the meantime I continue to hope that I am cancer free.

I was really scared /worried when I had to have a biopsy last month but, like so many of you, I was  thankful for B9 results. I had a PET scan last Friday for my ongoing back issues. I'll meet my onc on Tuesday for results. Funny thing is...this time I am not even concerned about it....it just all seems so routine to me now. I have no control over what the results will be so I have chosen not to get myself stressed about it. I am surprisingly very calm about it all. I am certain that all is well.

Regarding Tamoxifen....I have been on it since July 1st. The first few weeks I was a bit down in the dumps about it....I saw it as a daily reminder that I have to take it... to ward off cancer's return. Now I just think of it as a daily pill that is necessary just like a diabetic has to take insulin everyday. I had been having stifness and joint pain (even my feet and hands) when I would first get up in the morning. It has gotten a lot better since I have been doing daily stretching. Other than that I have not had any other noticable side effects.

This has been quite a journey and I agree that there have been some blessings along the way. I have learned to let go of the reins and let my DH have the opportunity to step up and take over some things. I don't let the little things upset me anymore....my new saying is "I just go with the flow"! Everyday is such a blessing and the gratitude I feel is immense. I take notice of the small wonderous things of daily life and I think I'm a little calmer, and a little kinder...I have finally learned to even be kinder to myself.

I find that I spend less time each day thinking about cancer. In the beginning of treatment the thought of cancer was all consuming....then post treatment...the thought of recurrence and wondering if they got it all was consuming....now ..little by little ....each day is getting better.

The lessons learned are valuable and I too hope that I will always remember them.

Have a great weekend and bless you all.

Hugs

Beth P

ccbaby

Hi girls!  have missed all of you too. We have been through so much TOGETHER. I agree with what everyone has said about being cured, but I guess I don't think of myself as being cured or even a survivor yet until I have my next Pet scan in a couple of months. I haven't had one since 5 days before my surgery back in February, so I don't know if I am in the clear or not. Since I just finished rads, I have to wait 2 months for the radiation to get out of my body before I can have my Pet scan. Right now I am just trying to heal from the bad radiation burns under my arm and my inner chest area. Dayla, next year I will do the walk with you and thanks so much for having my name on the back of your shirt for support! Your friend Carri is an amazement!! I couldn't have done it either after a chemo treatment and still can't now!  Take care everyone!

PattiB

My cancer center does not do Pet or Cat scans unless you have some kind of symptoms.  I do feel that I am cancer free, but will definitely be more convinced after my mammo, dexascan, and onc. appointment  in mid November.  The week before that I will be having my 1st colonoscopy and endoscopy of my esophagus since I am over 50 and have been treated for GERD the last 7-8 years.  I am also going to a dermatologist for a skin check the 3rd week in November for the 1st time.  So once all those things are taken care of I will definitely feel that I am CANCER FREE. 

pickle

Patti: Yeah....wishing you continued "Cancer Free" status.

Christy: Every time I see your picture "ringing the bell" it brings a smile to my face...so happy for you. I hope the rads healing is speedy for you.

Hugs

Beth P

ccbaby

Thanks Pickle!! I am still very red, but it is getting better. The nurse at Radiology said it would be a couple of more weeks before I will be healed. It is a slow process.

Well, I went in for my Herceptin treatment today and I am bummed now because my oncologist had to leave the practice because of personal reasons...I really liked him a lot too and have been with him now for 10 months. I will have to start all over now with a different oncologist. 

Mom_of_boys

Love it when I log in and see so many breast friends posting... PattiB, I'm with you.  I feel as though I HAD cancer; however, I will feel better when my mammogram comes around in December!

crusader1

Hi All,

Just returned from a really wonderful trip to Turkey with my husband. Great tour with many great people on it. WE saw many amazing sites both natural and historic. Pictures will follow.

I went with my own hair  and no wig. First time doing anything like that for quite some time. My hair is short but  coming in very nicely. During the tour no one knew about my cancer and it was never spoken of. I wondered did people wonder why my hair was so short. I can't say I felt really whole as I still have one prothesis and am awating my next surgery on November 11 to put in my third TE. I often wondered if anyone noticed that one breast is bigger than the other. But I don't think people actually look. BTW I do look at others breasts now. So much for my rambling.

I do consider myself as cured after my mastectomy and chemo. But I do realize that my other breast must be monitored very carefully. I also know that I had chemo to improve my chances of cancer  not coming back in the future due to a high oncotype score. I am also taking Arimidex with little side affects to improve my chances of a recurrence. But one never knows.

I do believe that all this will eventually be put in the back of our brains but it will never be forgotten.

My oncologist does not believe that I need any scans as I had a small tumor with no node involvement. She said at my age 62 there would be many false positives. So I must go along with her.

Glad to hear that Deb is on the road to recovery.

Dayla you seem to be getting back into all the outdoors stuff which you missed so much during your treatment.

Pickle- always glad to read your words of wisdom.

One other comment -- can I just continue with my life as I was living it before. I had always ate right, exercised a few times a week and tried to live a "healthy lifestyle".Now I will continue doing the same but really don't know if I will make any other real changes at this point.

I guess until I have two "real" breasts I will always feel a little different than I did before.

It has been over a year for me in the cancer mode and I am still not done with surgeries even though I had my mastectomy last January.

Well I did have really great time on our two week trip to Turkey.

hugs,

Francine

pickle

Francine: Sounds like a wonderful trip. Looking forward to pictures. I'm sure no one associated your short hair with cancer. That's the stage my hair is at...people just think I like it short and I must admit that I like the low maintenance part of it. As far as changes go...I am eating better...but I always ate pretty well. I have a personal trainer to help with my back and I am getting back to what I always did. I am returning to my old self and I like it. Francine I know this has been a long haul for you with multiple surgeries etc but you seem to be really back into a full life....travelling etc. You are doing great!

My Pet Scan results were clear. Degenerative disc and some increased uptake on the tibia but they don't think it's anything to worry about.(don't you just love the "we don't think".) Not as reassuring as I'd like but hey....I'll take it.

I don't need to see my onc again for a year or more. I asked her to give me the staright facts on all the stats. It seems that everything I read relates to 5 years and no one refers to breast cancer as cured. She said they really never know who and why some people will get recurrence even 15 or 20 years down the road. She said to just live everyday and don't get consumed by "what if's". At first I felt like saying "yeah right lady...easy for you to say" but then she looked me right in the eye and said it may or may never recur....we just don't know. Finally I feel like I am being given the whole truth and it somehow that made me feel better . It took the fear away. She has many patients that have never had a recurrence and many that have. There is no rhyme nor reason to it.  She said that a favorite patient of hers was diagnosed with a recurrence....stage IV after four years. The patient was so upset and she said she was just soooo mad at herself for spending 4 valuable years doing nothing but worrying. I think I really needed to hear that today... so going forward..... I vow that I am going to make the most of every single day and I am going to live like I am cancer free! 

F@&K You Cancer.....I am so over you!

Hugs to all

Beth P

Dawnmrn1

Beth!  Congrats!!! what a great attitude!  i love it face the truth head on, but live your life!!!! We can't live in fear all of the time, hense my I have cancer, it doesn't have me!!! it is my mantra! So happy about your scans, you go girl!!I agree F@#k Cancer!!

Francine! I am so happy you had a great trip, looking forward to some pictures! I am so jealous, you were topless, I will wear this wig forever!!! I look like my grandfather, and he died when I was 9!!! Love hearing from you guys!  Dawn

ChrisC433

Francine...I need pics of that trip!  I am stuck here in PA with cold nasty weather...take me away girl!

Beth...congrats on the clear scan.  I don't get another one unless I have symptoms.  If I start with the anxiety of wondering if it is lurking somewhere, I might just have to have some symptoms!!  I take Arimidex and it is taking a toll on my joints.  Can't sleep well...ache at night.  During the day is better as long as I am moving.

Glad to hear all are doing well....hugs all around!

Chris

crusader1

Ladies,

Here are some photos of me and my DH taken in Turkey.

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Did you see me in the Trojan Horse..on the Dardenelles..at the Mediterranean, at Effesus and with the Turkish bagel vendor?

Hope you can all have fun looking at my photos.

Hugs,

Francine

ccbaby

Beth....Congratulations on the clear scan! I will have my next scan in December once the radiation gets out of my body.

Crusader...Great pics, looks like you had fun!

sakura73

Francine  I certainly had fun looking at them, though I am also deep sea green with envy. I have had my holidays vicariously through you and others this year! Your hair looks great, no  one would think it was anything other than a cute short hair cut.

Pickle  glad to hear your  scan was pretty clear -  I agree with you that it is actually more calming when doctors are completely honest about the uncertainties that we face.

Dayla  I so agree with you about the language we use mattering.

It is really interesting to read people's different attitudes and perspectives. Though we have shared so much, the reality is that each of us has had our own personal journey and so of course we each see cancer slightly differently for that reason.

Thank you too to those who commented on Tamoxifen. My copy of "What your doctor may not tell you about breast cancer" arrived today and I will be reading the section on hormonal therapy with great interest.

Alyad

Francine,

your pics are great! I especially like the one with the kitten!

I have been on Tamoxifen for about a week now- so far no se's I can tell. I have joint pin, but I had it before the tamox- it has gotten worse, but I also started working out recently, so its hard to know what its from.

I am having a minor surgery tomorrow- having a dog ear removed from the hip scar and a xanthalasma removed off my eyelid. (sounds horrid doesn't it? - a fancy schmancy term for a fatty deposit)

 weather is cooperating and due to bunch of rain, DH is off work tomorrow for my surgery. I had a friend on call to bring me home, but it will be nice to have him there when I walk out.

  

Dawnmrn1

Francine!  You look wonderful and your pics are great!!! Good luck on your upcoming Sx so glad you got away before it!

ccbaby

Dayla...How did your surgery go?

Alyad

Surgery went well.  The shots for the local stung like the dickens, but I'm not really in any pain after it wore off. It was itching pretty bad until I took some B vitamins. I took the dressing off to look at it- I 've got about a 6 inch incision and no more dog ear on my left hip. It looks good.

 I have a steri-strip on my eyelid which is pretty uncomfortable. I probably could have worked  part of today- no ill effects- but I took it off- will go in tomorrow for a half day. I go back next wed to have the eye stich taken out and hip incision checked.

How are your rad burns healing ccbaby?

ChrisC433

Dayla..happy to hear things went O.K.

My nephew just had surgery for testicular cancer and is beginning chemo on Monday.  His is only 34.  I feel so bad for him.  He seems very upbeat and ready to get this part of the process going.  I remember that feeling not too long ago!  His name is Mike...please keep him in your prayers!

 Chris

crusader1

Hi,

Dayla, Glad things went well for you. All this must seem like a piece of cake after what we have all been thru. Our perspectives do seem to change.

Chris- Mike will be in our prayers.

Dawn, Sakura...thanks for the nice comments re my trip.

Ladies today I am officially giving up my wig. I am going to see my 98 year old friend this morning and I will tell her that I cut my hair short for the trip to Turkey. I will also tell my granddaughter the same story tomorrow. Both never knew of the chemo , hair loss etc..

Hurrah for me....

Hugs,

Francine

ChrisC433

Francine...I am so glad for you.  Getting rid of that wig and just being who you are is such a great step.  You will be surprised how little it seems to effect everyone else.  I had a few kids mention that I got my hair cut...that was 2 weeks after ditching the wig and only a few out of 350!!  I think we are more worried about everyone else than we are about how WE feel.  Good riddens to that wig!!!

pickle

Francine: The pics are wonderful.....wow it is beautiful there. Your hair looks great....goodbye wig!

Dayla: Glad that your surgery went well. I may have missed a prior post....why the steristrip on your eyelid?

Chris: Your nephew is in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure you will be a wealth of good information for him on his chemo journey. Thinking of you and wishing you well.....don't forget to take good care of yourself along the way!

Rachel: Where are you at with rads? I just want you to know that I think about you daily as you continue on with rads. I think...not sure...that you were the last gal in the bunch for rads. Keep us posted....we're here for ya!

Deb: What's happening with you? Have you started your new chemo regimen? Hope you are continuing to heal well from surgery....gosh Deb you have been through a lot and I am sending you daily prayers and positive vibes. I hope the SE's are minimal. I think you mentioned that you are doing 4 x AC. That's what I did. Follow all the instructions....don't overdo....be well Lovely Lady!

Dawn: Love your mantra!!!! You go girl!

Chick: Love your attitude....almost a year cancer free.....yahoo!

Patti B, Luv2sing, MOB,  didle20Diane, nasharayne , GymMom, jdeking, Maidmarion, Nadine, Ann Idiot, Arnie, Beth R, Buddy, Bunny, Michelle x 2 , NanaA , Kim40, BethR, Gina and all of our other Warriors.....Miss hearing from all of you. Hope this is a sign that everyone's lives are getting back to a schedule and a new normalcy.

I wish all of you dear March Warriors the best.

Hugs to all

Beth P

ccbaby

Dayla...I am healing slowly....I went in to the rad today to have him look at me again. He wants me to come in weekly to keep a watch on it. Oh, and Helen told me that he is leaving in November! He is moving to TX!  So, that menas I lost my Onco and now my Radiologist in a weeks time!!!  WTF??