Angry rant-I apologize up front
Comments
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Britt, your surgeons nurse does not know what the hell she is talking about. Once my scars fade, no one will ever know but me. My mastectomy was the nipple/skin conservation type. Right now in cloting, no one would ever know if I did no tell them. Talk to the surgeon.
Keep us posted. Lisa
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Hi, I am so thrilled to have read this today, I was feeling so guilty about hating the whole pink thing, I was diagnosed on Sept 22nd at the height of the Oct BC awareness month, so it was in my face like a horrible omen or something. I too have tried to remain positive throughout the bi-lateral mastectomy on Oct 29th, but sometimes you just want to scream so loud and punch something. Unfortunately with all of this positive thinking and like attracts like stuff going around such as The Secret, I sometimes get afraid that if I think negative for one second I am attracting bad stuff, so much pressure to be positive 100% of the time, its just not possible or realistic, I get more stressed out with the pressure of worrying about wishing bad stuff on myself because I am not being positive that I do from the BC that's just not right! I KNOW ultimately you feel better with a positive attitude but I have decided after reading this today that I can and will and its ok to have a case of the F---- its once in a while! Anyone who can get on this website and write honestly about what all this really feels like, balls out, no holding back, deserves a medal......rock on ladies, I love each and everyone of you.
DX-9-22-08 IDC 1.1cm 0/5 ER+ PR+ HER-2 1-
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britt --
I so agree with Lisa. AND you should tell the surgeon that his/her nurse is expressing her own opinions to their patients. I'm pretty sure that the surgeon would be shocked to hear that one of their staff is saying things like that. All of my surgeons' staff people were truly supportive and kind. I was very lucky. Kick ass, girl!
Fairy -- Welcome! Yeah, the pollyanna stuff gets real old, real fast. We just gotta do what we gotta do to get through this crap. There are times when people need support or more resources. There are other times when we just need to scream, and not into the wind. This is as beautiful place. Welcome!
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LOLOLOLOL!! Best thread yet! I was dx 2 days after my 52 birthday October 10th. with IDC Rt. breast w. planned bil. mast. w/ recon/tram flap 12/18. I try very hard to control my anger as I tend to misdirect it at people as it's hard to direct it at a thing like bc. October - bc awareness month sucks! Pink - pepto pink - sucks too! I hate those freakin' ribbons, bracelets, and everything else associated w/ bc. I'll do what I have to do to fight this thing but I too feel I don't have to like it one bit. We all know that our loved ones, friends, coworkers mean well but until you've walked in our shoes there's no way to understand how it feels when people say "just think, you'll have new perky boobs." or "depressed? Eat chocolate." I say drugs, lots of good drugs and more people like you guys to talk (and rant) with. Thanks everyone! Love, and Peace....Sue
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To all:
Nothing is more positive than wanting to FIGHT this scourge! It is a warrior attitude - that is the ultimate manifestation of positivity! I wish those who mean well with the "positive attitude" advice would understand that anger can be very positive if channeled properly!!!!
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I agree Britt! This fight is very much a warrior mentality, I would love to be known as a BC Warrior along with being a survivor! In fact I may just get a tshirt with that on it! I have also considered, once my boobs are finished, having tribal tattoos instead of the typical areolas tattooed on, what the heck, out with the old and in with the new!! I think they may freak out hubby a little but oh well they can be my badge of honor! LOL! This is such a great website, I was feeling very alone in all of this, but reading everyone;'s questions, comments, responses etc makes me realize that I am not alone, such a blessing....
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bee5467, thank you so much for the warm welcome!
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Your life will return to normal even though it feels like this will never end. I can remember a time when I was considering a double mastectomy just so I wouldn't have to deal anymore (I had a lumpectomy and radiation therapy, but for several years I had a lot of mammos and then there's all those doctor's visits). My surgeon talked me out of it.
Just remember - the cancer isn't you and your whole life is not about breast cancer. While you're undergoing treatment, it's all about the cancer, but eventually things will become normal again.
I'll tell you what burned me up is the war stories. What is the deal with people who think you want to hear about their mother's death from breast cancer 15 years ago and how she was paralyzed from the waist down the last few years, yadda yadda yadda? This is sympathy?
My next-door neighbor said that to me! I had been through hell for several weeks and was actually doing a bit better, learning to cope by staying in the moment, etc, and here comes this creature with her "sympathy". I felt like saying, "Well THANKS FOR MAKING MY DAY!"
After that, every few months she'd walk up to me with this look on her face like I had one foot in the grave and say, "Are you alright?" YES, dagnabit!! I'm fine!! Quit treating me like the walking dead, already!!
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Fairy- This is an amazing group of women (and the occasional man), between the group there isn't much that someone can't speak to, offer advise, words of wisdom, offer hugs & prayers, a shoulder and ear..what a gift it has been to have a place to ask, share, rant you name it! I truly believe it is an important part of the healing process (always better to let it out that hold it in and explode at some poor unsuspecting family member
)Hope tomorrow will be a good day, sweet dreams
Elaine
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LOVE THE RANT. You GO GIRL.
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Hi Fairy49, I am thinking the same as you re: us being warriors. I have my surgery -bil mast 12/18 and have been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to get nipples or not; I'm leaning towards maybe tattooed areola's only and a warrior-like tattoo to celebrate my fight. If you'd asked me 2-3 months ago about getting a tatt I'd say 'no way!' But my perspective has been 'altered' and so has my thoughts about tatts. None of that pink ribbon stuff....we're tougher than that and we should show it! I can't wait for surgery to be over, recon too and then find out what next steps are in this fight. Most likely chemo and hormonals. Not sure yet. Anger can be good sometimes, especially if channelled in the right direction and/or verbalized in the right forum. Thanks everyone. What a unique group of women (and men.)
Sue
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You go girl, feel the same way...thanks for writing it.
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Sercsw! Best of luck on Dec 18th, I will be thinking of you, I know you will be just great! I will never forget the morning of my surgery, I was nervous but focused, I just wanted it out!! I said goodbye to my "girls", thanked them for all the good times, but told them they had to go as they were not good for me anymore, I had those 36DD's for a looooong time and we had had some fun LOL! I thought I would miss my nipples the most, but suprisingly I haven't at all, weird! I thought the shock of seeing my breasts for the first time after surgery would be a shock, it was a little but nothing like I expected, I was just happy to be through the surgery part. I remember waking up and the first thing out of my mouth was "how many drains to I have?" when they said 2 I was so happy because that way I knew they hadn't found anything in the lymph nodes, silly really but it helped me. The hardest thing about recovery for me was not moving my arms for 2 weeks, but my mum came over from England and waited on my hand, foot and finger 3 weeks, it was like being a kid again and it was a special time for us, so enjoy resting, rent movies, and eat well and just forget about the next steps until you are healed, thats what I did and I healed fast. Now I have had 2 expansions and am at a full B cup and my boobs are perky for the first time EVER!! you just don't get that with real 36DD's! I have never ever been able to go without a bra and now I feel like a teenager he he! I will get another expansion next week and will keep going until I am where I want to be, I have a lot of skin fo I will probably stop at a full C or small D, customized boobs, love it! Please please keep me posted as to how you are doing, I am sending you prayers and hugs!!
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You ladies are all my HEROES!!!
Britt, I will join the choir and say ask your bS for a referral to a plastic surgeon. I was under the impression that no matter how great a job they could do it couln't be THAT good- until I looked at his photo album and let me tell you, there are some real artists out there that have a great deal of respect for a woman's body and can do fantastic work.
My PS was in the OR during the mastectomy and put the tissue expander in at the same time the other surgery was done. This doc understands the importantance of coming out of this experience as a whole woman. All of the members of my team feel that way and if you have the slightest feeling of discomfort you need to get your breast surgeon or whoever is the head of your team on the phone or in a meeting to get things straight. You are going to spend a lot of time communicating with these people and you need to be all of the same mind.
I am putting off my expansion until after chemo but then I will get my reconstruction done. I am psyched that they have to make both breasts match so I will look pretty good at the end of this whole thing. And even though I have never wanted a tattoo in my life, a friend of mine is going to design one for me to get next to the scar because like many of you I beleive I deserve it for fighting and winning this battle. We are ALL WARRIOR WOMEN!!!!
HI Fairy49!!! and anyone else I haven't officialy met yet! I love all of these women. There has always been someone here for me when I have had a tough time and I will do anything I can for them as well. Always feel free to PM me any time
Love to all
Robyn
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Hi Robyn! Thanks for the welcome! This website and discussion boards have made all the difference in the world to me, its such a blessing to know that I am not alone and even though, of course I know women get breast cancer, you never really know until your own diagnosis just how many and the magnitude of this disease, the numbers are quite staggering. Just know there are women out there going through the same thing makes the journey that much easier, never easy, but its a lifeline. I had my PS in my surgery too to put in the tissue expanders, the breast surgeon is just here to get out the cancer she (mine) wasn't all about what I would look like, however I am sure you did her best! But my PS is a women too and she totally gets it, thank goodness! I have seen photos of her reconstructions and I honestly couldn't tell they weren't "real" boobs! I think I will for sure get a special tattoo on either one or both of my boobs I think it would be quite fabulous!! Love, hugs and prayers to each and every one of you out there!
Lorraine ox
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I went to the onc today and her told me that I didnt need chemo but I would need to take aromasin and radiation. Has anyone got anything they can tell me about that? I hate this too. I feel like no one wants to listen to me when I want to talk . i went to a support group last night and that was great .. someone listens too me.
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I just want to add that I HATE when people who had no idea of BC are telling me that EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. How do they know that? Not EVERYTHING will be ok. This ugly beast had changed my life forever and not EVERYTHING will be ok anymore. It will be always with me no matter what I do - for the rest of my life I will have to do tests and scans and doctors visits just to make sure is not back. Every time the scare of having to go through this again will be with me. And when finally I will die - hopefully of old age - only then I will be able to say - YES back in 2008 they cured me of BC - but then it wouldn't matter anymore I will be dead anyway. How can this be "EVERYTHING OK"
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Robyn66
Please fell free to join us in Diary - Starting Chemo DECEMBER 2008 and Has anyone started a forum for Chemo in Dec 2008? under Forum: Chemotherapy - Before, During and After.
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I sooo know how much I sometimes want to rage on and kick and break things! I also have had so many people say such stupidt things to me. I have tried to cope with this by myself you know the "I am stronger than this!". Finally I have reached a point where I cant cope with any more of this. And when I thought I was drownding with no hope my cousin came to the rescure!!!! She has done things for me when I can't, she has made me do things that I thought I could not do but found I could with her help. I still cry easily and more often now. I think its because FINALLY there is SOMEONE who is there for me. There are angels in heaven but I think God has placed some on earth to help us when we are at the true end of the rope! I know I have mine now!
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Robyn, This whole thing sucks! Being cheerful and positive during chemo for other people is probably the thing I hate most. When you are diagnosed with breast cancer you basically have lost your health. My first diagnosis was 17 years ago and I cried and screamed and the whole bit for months. It was very difficult to be positive and then people say that being positive will keep you from getting cancer again! Give me a break!!!
I was diagnosed again this Sept. and still hate stuff about it. I hate that I have to depend on other people. I hate that I have to go through this again. I hate that my hair is going to fall out again.
But, I know from before the anger tones down a liitle over the years and you learn to live with the loss you've been dealt. You never really forget it though.
hope things are going better for you.
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What I don't get is why people keep giving me pink breast cancer crap? Like I'm not aware I have it?
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Hi Robyn. I just joined this chat room tonite and really related to your rant. I'm just starting this breast cancer journey, but pissed off is my predominant emotion right now (at least when I am not balling). I haven't even had my surgery yet, but already I want to smack the next person that tells me that I've got to have a positive attitude or that I just need to pray about this and God will heal me. I have also had 2 people ask me what I did that caused me to get cancer. That question just floored me. I'm fighting with my insurance company over coverage issues. I have no leave at work having just had knee surgery the month before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am currently living far from my family and now they seem almost irritated with me for being far away as that is causing a hardship on them in the situation. I haven't had a date in longer than I can even remember and now I fear that if I have mastectomy, I'll loose whatever sexual attractiveness I might have left. I just hate the whole damn thing. Hang in there girl. I hope things improve for you soon.
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Robyn,
I just saw your rant and it was the best therapy I've had since my diagnosis in September. I couldn't agree with you more about hating this beastly disease and everything that goes with it, including the pepto-pink that makes me want to puke. This is the scariest time of our lives and everyone looks to us for a "positive attitude". I like the idea of a "kick ass" attitude better and a good rant never hurts. Good luck and do whatever you need to do for yourself.
Bonnie
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"I HATE that I have to go through Chemo because TECHNICALLY there is no cancer inside me anymore! This is to be sure it doesn't come back. So I am volunteering to feel like crap for four months and look like hell for probably a year. I know the logic and reasoning and why I have to do it but that doesn't mean I have to like it or be happy about it."
This is EXACTLY what I cannot get MY brain wrapped around!! I am technically cancer clean...no lymphnode involvement...cancer went with the lump...but I am triple negative on receptors, so my cancer is genetic..meaning it is at a very high risk to come back again. I am mad that I have to go through chemo and radiation as "insurance"....nothing in this life is insured..especially when it comes to CANCER!!!!
I worry that all of the SE from the chemo drugs will damage more then it helps...and yet..what can I do?? I try to stay focused on one day at a time....try to put on a happy face when I walk into work a week from now with my "new look" on my head. I do have to say..I work with a great bunch of people at the school... outside of my hubby...MOST of my emotional support has come from my co-workers.
Usually it's the 5th, 6th and 7th day after chemo that the emotions hit hard....I HATE that I feel so wrung out and unable to do the smallest task without getting winded. I HATE the pitying stares..but you know what? I posted a pic on here and myspace of my "bald look" and also with a wig....I WANT my family to see and know what I am going through. We all correspond through a family forum online and we all have myspace profiles.. but NOT ONE of my sisters or brothers has ever CALLED me on the phone to just ask how I am doing....I KNOW they love me..but sometimes I NEED more from them... my 4 grown children do keep in touch(three of them are out of state) but I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers that I could use more support from. I dont know if it's because I am technically "cancer clean" so they think I am gonna be ok......well you know what?......Maybe I NEED more input from them!!!! No one even asked what I wanted and needed.
People tend to think because I "appear" to be strong and confident that I am handling it ok.. and really..I am... through my wonderful husbands support and my faith in God I am....BUT... I still could use more emotional support. Others get tired of hearing about the cancer...for some it hits to close to home(my mother died of breast cancer 35 yrs ago)....they just do not want to put themselves out of their comfort zone so it's easier to send "love you" messages online and never have to pick up the phone and hear how I am REALLY doing!!
Robyn THANK YOU for saying what I have been feeling....I do not feel the same rage as I did a few months ago..but I DO get fed up with all of the crap that goes with the "recovery". I get tied up with all of the research crap....wondering if cancer has been around so flippin long why have they not come up with a way to wipe it out with an easier method... I have become a skeptic of all research and wonder if it's just not easier to rake in money for cancer research and keep telling us "they are discovering more and more"....YES... I know great strides have been made in cancer research...YES... I know many lives have been saved....All I am saying is "Is there REALLY an answer"?
It does get mind boggling.....and mine needs to rest. Hard to put a thought pattern together some days....and then by next week.. I will be back to ME again.....and then it will be time for chemo round 3. It's the bouncing back and forth that wears me out!!
Anyway....thanks for letting it all out Robyn.....we DO understand how you feel!!!
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Hi -
I have not yet had my surgery either, but I am angry, frustrated, annoyed that my life is "on hold" and the constant waiting for the myriad of additional tests to be done and then waiting for the results of same is totally wearing me down. How dare people who have never been through this persist in the "virtues" of a "positive attitude" - I wonder how they would feel if they were in our situations! And those alleged "friends" who tend to avoid some of us due to our diagnosis - perhaps they don't know what to say - feel awkward - or just don't want to deal with it?
Lately I am so depressed I don't want to leave my home. The enormity of this ordeal completely overwhelms me. I am sure many of you can relate: pre- BC, I was fine, feeling healthy, full of energy. Then the Black Hole swallows one up and it is such an onerous fate to deal with.
Forgive me - I am having a bad day. And I am beginning to doubt my doctors - all of this emphasis on chemo chemo chemo - so Snappygoddess I totally commiserate with you on that one. I know it is suppose to save our lives, but . . .
Again, all, please forgive me. My surgery is 1/9 and I have a few more tests to go through this coming week. Sometimes I just want to call my BS and tell her I have decided to terminate all treatment and just let this progress naturally. Has anyone else felt like that during what Scott Fitzgerald referred to as "three o'clock in the morning" thoughts? "The dark night of the soul."
Britt/Xena the Warrior Princess
Dx 11/24/2008, IDC, 3cm, Grade 2, ER+/PR+, HER2- -
I was just diagnosed on 12/4 and am currently undergoing more testing: MRI (12/23), another biopsy and titanium clip placement on 12/30, and sentinel node biopsy on 12/7. I basically know NOTHING except I have "invasive mammary carcinoma"--that's it. I am a high school teacher and have not told my students yet because I don't know enough about this crap to even tell them anything yet. I told a few of my colleagues, and am getting the "Oh, you're so lucky (yeah, right) that "they" ("they" did nothing--I found it myself--have been pointing out the lump to my idiot doctor and radiologists since 2003) caught it early. There have been so many advances in recent years. You are a fighter, you are strong, you will be fine." I don't feel so fine right now. I am so angry I can hardly keep myself under control sometimes. I guess I need to find some cheap glass at garage sales or at Goodwill like some people on this site suggested. I have been known to throw things in the past for different reasons
(not at my students!).Any suggestions for what to tell my students when the time comes to have to tell them why I am missing so much school for these @#$&* tests?
What I am really having a hard time with is that I am going to have to accept help from people in my department, and I am one of the ones who usually provides help and support for others who need it for whatever reason. I just feel like I am imposing on people if I accept their help even when they ask if they can make copies of worksheets, etc. I just feel powerless and like such a slacker, especially since there is someone in my dept. who has a history of faking personal illnesses and illnesses of her own kids, missing days, weeks, even months at a time and leaving others to do her lesson plans, use their planning periods to teach her classes, grade her papers, etc. I know what an imposition that has been, and I don't want people to think of me the same way. I realize this is irrational since I am not faking having cancer, but the result is the same in my mind.
After I tell my students about this, I am going to write on the board: I HATE the color PINK! The last thing I want is to be flooded with pink trinkets and to have my dept. design and have pink t-shirts with my name on them made and wear them every time I have chemo like another dept. did for a teacher last year. How do you keep people from doing stuff like this without offending them when they are trying to do something they think will be "supportive"?
Thanks for listening to my rant. I love this thread.
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Britt...posting on this board means never having to say "I'm sorry..or forgive me"....it is what it is and we ALL have the right to our various emotions and NO ONE is going to fault anyone else for getting pissed off and letting it explode!! This is the ONE place we can do it and get by without having to feel sorry for letting it all out!! We are ALL in this together and we will support each other and see each other through.
I LOVE that I can say what I want here and not hurt anyones feelings because we all have very similiar emotions. I do not have to worry about my hubby or kids getting "worried" if I decide I want a "bitch" day and not have to be sweet to anyone that comes around. Ain't it great?
Then I can go back to my usual self(once the chemo crap works through my system) and its ok .. for another week or so 
Take care
~Belinda~
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sjp, I hate pink too. I hated it b4 b.c. and now despite it even more so. I can understand why you rant. Hugs.
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Hi Snappygoddess (LOVE your name!) -
Thanks for the comisseration and you are entirely correct!!!! We can't be sunshine and roses every day - not with this - and I am EXTREMELY annoyed that certain volunteers from a certain national association that shall remain nameless call me at least three times a week to see how I am "coping" - how I am doing on my "journey" (damn! this is not a journey! this is an ordeal! to me a journey is a trip to Paris at the Plaza Athenee!) - I know they mean well, but I was so incredibly annoyed the other day that I responded to the volunteer's unctious and pitying inquiry as to "coping" with: "I can't talk right now. I am getting ready to fly to Lourdes tonight." Click. Needless to say, they never called again! I don't mean to be sacrireligious (and I am a Catholic), but I got such a kick out of doing that! And, Sharon and sjprofe, I used to like pink, but no longer!!!! It is far too wimpy a color for this disease - how about a deep, deep, shiny burgundy - suitable to match my favorite wine! Thank goodness for this thread!
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Britt..not to take away from your annoyance at how much people call.. I WISHED someone would call and ask me how I am doing. Other then 3 of my 4 children...NO ONE has called to just see how I am doing.. if I need anything.. etc. You either have those who want to help too much.. or those who are so afraid to "bother" you or they really do not know what to say.. so they say nothing... I dont want to "pour out" all of my emotions on the phone with family.. I just want to KNOW that they care enough to pick up the phone and just say.."Hey.. I am here..do you need anything?"... but... you can't make people not even family try to see what they dont want to.
Most mean well.. and most just do not have a clue how to talk "normal" to someone with a "temporary setback"( i hate that word cancer)
Ok.. enuff from me for a bit..LOL
Hope the day finds all of you resting, laughing, loving and feeling better!
HUGS
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